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Safe Word a Deal Killer? - 6/13/2008 9:37:29 PM

SnowRanger

Posts: 503
Joined: 5/25/2008
From: Sinsinnati
Status: offline

Hello Mistresses,

This question may seem stupid; but, here it comes. If your submissive uses his safe word; does that put an end to your relationship with that person? A Mistress recently told me that she uses a "green, yellow, red" code system with "orange" thrown in for extrem situations. Use of the word "red" stops the scene. It will also probably kill the whole relationship. It seems like a powerful way of ensuring that I use the word "red" judiciously. On the other hand, I might not want to use it at all!.. No matter what.

Sincerely, Mike
SnowRanger

Post #: 1

RE: Safe Word a Deal Killer? - 6/13/2008 10:00:24 PM

khem

Posts: 300
Joined: 8/8/2005
Status: offline

So what does Orange mean?

Maybe she wants you to use yellow to slow/stop a scene instead?

It's all very confusing the way you've asked the question...

(in reply to SnowRanger)

Post #: 2

RE: Safe Word a Deal Killer? - 6/13/2008 10:09:11 PM

boyforyouruse

Posts: 36
Joined: 1/21/2008
Status: offline

My assumption of the "you're nuts" comment would be that adding the caveat of "It's okay if you red, but we're done" changes the safeword into a threat, not a way for the sub to communicate to the dominant that the scene has gone too far. This is a subject that has much argument potential, of course.

If the submissive is not willing to go where the dominant wants, they may not be the right match for the dominant. That said, if the dominant is psychotic and not just dominant, it could mean real damage, physically or otherwise for the submissive.

Let's say you ARE using the safe-word method. She's got you all tied up, and then steals your clothes and your wallet and starts walking for the door and you say "Red!" and she laughs and keeps going.. you're safeword now means dick. This of course leads to the "you only play with those you trust" side of things, but what if they kept up a good act up until that point? Eventually it comes down to trust, safewords or not.

SSC / RACK etc. is relative to how honest people are ultimately. To truly play safe you'd have to be around others you trust, like a dungeon monitor situation or something. Makes you wonder how much this comes into play with men paying professional dominatrixes.. dominatrices? .. What's plural for dominatrix? Or is it like deer? IE, an established dominatrix has a reputation to upkeep, and she cant go around cutting of nut sacks and stealing wallets and still hope to get clients.

(in reply to SnowRanger)

Post #: 3

RE: Safe Word a Deal Killer? - 6/13/2008 10:18:23 PM

BotanicalMiss

Posts: 82
Joined: 11/19/2006
Status: offline

Short answer: no, it doesn't kill the relationship. Longer answer: I also use the "stop light" colors with orange thrown in right where it belongs, between yellow and red. I'm still learning the new boy I have, so the words are a better indicator than "ow, that really hurts!" My goal is to expand his pain threshold, not take him past where he can really go, which just puts up mental blocks for next time. He was told up front before we even started our first session that the only time he would be in trouble for using his safeword/s would be if he called out "red" without using the others first. And that wouldn't be because he used the word, but because he didn't communicate his condition long before he got there. For me, it's a matter of wanting him to grow into what I want him to be, to be able to enjoy or at least enjoy enduring the things that I enjoy doing. At yellow, I can give him a caress and a few words of encouragement which makes him reach down inside himself to give me more. End a relationship because my sub used his safeword??? Not gonna happen here.

(in reply to SnowRanger)

Post #: 4

RE: Safe Word a Deal Killer? - 6/13/2008 10:33:18 PM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

I wouldn't say you're nuts, I might be tempted to say She is though!

For one thing, I've not seen people differentiate between yellow and orange ... they are used as different descriptions of the middle traffic light as used in different countries! Some even call it amber! Given that the colours are taken from the traffic light analogy, green is go, red is stop right now and the other colour, whatever name you agree to call it, is the "slow down, get ready to stop, this is approaching my limit" signal.

Yes as a Domme I prefer a sub to call "yellow/orange/amber" before calling red. I specifically tell new subs that I will intensify the play until I hear him call that (partly to get over the male machismo "I can take anything" crap!). I like to have that warning that I am getting near his current tolerance levels. This leaves the control in My hands as to what I do about that. I could choose to:
* keep going anyway and continue to intensify the sensation till he calls red
* maintain the intensity at the orange level and see if the effects accumulate till he calls red
* back off the intensity a bit ... and then I can choose to back right off and cool it down, or try reintensifying it again and see if the safeword is called at the same level as previously or whether it is called sooner or later than before.

However, I can think of any number of situations why he might call red without previously calling "yellow/orange/amber". This could be as varied as a sudden unexpected blow was much harder than the rest (might not have been deliberate by the Dominant either ... getting distracted might alter the aim or cause wrap of the flogger tails which can cause extreme pain) to a sudden cramp, feeling of dizziness or faintness or to a sudden emotional response to some sort of trigger that the sub didn't know existed etc. There is no penalty from Me if a sub calls red. If anything I feel badly if it's due to something I should have controlled or detected earlier eg My aim, and concerned and immediately responsive if it's due to some medical or emotional issue. I've experienced all of those scenarios and NEVER have they brought about the end of the relationship. Someone who says it would is, in My opinion, guilty of emotional blackmail and I wouldn't go near them, let alone play with them.

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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RE: Safe Word a Deal Killer? - 6/13/2008 10:50:55 PM

DreamyLadySnow

Posts: 359
Joined: 1/23/2005
Status: offline

I've only ever heard one Dom say that before - use the safe word and the relationship is over. I found him to be controlling (in a bad way),disrespectful, dishonest, a liar and a dangerous player...
Needless to say, it makes me a bit nervous to hear there are others like that out there.
You do what feels safe to you. If you are not comfortable with the arrangements and she won't change them, walk.

LS

(in reply to MaamJay)

Post #: 6

RE: Safe Word a Deal Killer? - 6/13/2008 11:01:22 PM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
Status: offline

I'm a bit lost on the difference between yellow and orange too.

I'm not a sadist, so don't need to use safe words really, but I can't imagine anyone ending a relationship for using safe words. Everyone has limits and we must respect that, unless we intend to kill the person, there will come a time when something is more than the other person can bear.

If I came across someone who ended a relationship for that, I would actually be running away from them very quickly.

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Post #: 7

RE: Safe Word a Deal Killer? - 6/14/2008 12:25:15 AM

littlesarbonn

Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline

It depends on what your safeword means. When I first became an owned slave, my Mistress at that time negotiated a contract with me where there was a safeword that was a relationship safeword. In other words, she could do ANYTHING she wanted to do, and I trusted her enough to give her that power over me. However, if we were having a relationship problem, THAT was the safeword she allowed me to have. It would serve as a "let's stop right now, take a break and see where we are" sort of thing. We never needed it. I almost called it a few times, but she was always attentive enough so that it never happened, even when things got really difficult at times.

So, in that context, I guess it could be seen as a relationship stopper, but it doesn't have to be a relationship ender. Personally, I don't think I'd ever be in a long term relationship with someone if I didn't trust her enough to do what she felt was the right thing to do.

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(in reply to SnowRanger)

Post #: 8

RE: Safe Word a Deal Killer? - 6/14/2008 1:49:39 AM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

WTF???
Using your safeword will likely end the relationship? Sounds like to be safe, you should use it now.
RED, RED, RED FLAG, snowranger! From what I know of you, you deserve so much better. Be picky! Don't settle. Find One who's crazy about you.

If My boy ever uses his safeword, everything will stop while I attend to his needs. His safety and well-being are PARAMOUNT, over mine.

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Post #: 9

RE: Safe Word a Deal Killer? - 6/14/2008 2:57:26 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

Safe words are short cuts for good communication. They are necessary only when good communication techniques CAN'T be used.

My opinion.

But to answer the core of your question...it's about being well matched. If you are a light masochist and she is wanting a heavy one (thereby giving a situation where a safeword would be used in the context you put forth), you're not a match anyway. COMMUNICATE with her better FIRST to see what she's wanting.

Master Fire

< Message edited by MasterFireMaam -- 6/14/2008 2:58:18 AM >

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Post #: 10

RE: Safe Word a Deal Killer? - 6/14/2008 3:04:46 AM

SpiderInWaiting

Posts: 39
Joined: 10/17/2005
Status: offline

If she is saying that using your safeword will end the relationship it is very possible that she was already wanting to end the relationship but using the safeword as a way to blame the slave for the failed relationship which is juvenile and deceitful. It is also possible that she is either stupid, irresponsible, mentally unstable or all three. Any or all of those three will make it impossible to trust your Owner. As previously mentioned it goes to trust and communication. I have also seen many dominants who don't have any sort of long term plan for their slave. If the dominant doesn't know what he/she wants then this will also make it very difficult to maintain any sort of stable and continuing bdsm relationship. Aside from the dominant acting poorly by making the slave feel threatened just for using a safeword, I have also seen quite a few slaves and subs who abuse safewords making it very hard to take them seriously.

(in reply to SnowRanger)

Post #: 11

RE: Safe Word a Deal Killer? - 6/14/2008 5:31:48 AM

DominantJenny

Posts: 645
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline

Pretty much what they said. Now, I MIGHT say to someone that if they are safewording right and left, it could lead to the end of the relationship since it would be obvious we weren't compatible, but that's it. Anything else is just not cool.

(in reply to SnowRanger)

Post #: 12

RE: Safe Word a Deal Killer? - 6/14/2008 5:42:03 AM

Lynnxz

Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline

That seems suspicious... From what you've told us anyway. If the sub is safewording left and right, not trying to put forth any effort, and only submitting to activities that he finds most enjoyable, I'd think it would become old very quickly.

I can also see her wanting them to use Orange/yellow before actually calling red... communication ect ect

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Post #: 13

RE: Safe Word a Deal Killer? - 6/14/2008 5:50:56 AM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

sounds manipulative to me... and frankly, that many variations is too complicated for me... and likely for my boi...

keeping things simple is always a good idea

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You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

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Post #: 14

RE: Safe Word a Deal Killer? - 6/14/2008 6:41:02 AM

TNstepsout

Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

Not to change the subject, but does anyone really every use "green"?

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RE: Safe Word a Deal Killer? - 6/14/2008 7:03:06 AM

MamaDomme1

Posts: 377
Joined: 1/12/2008
Status: offline

lol-- I can just hear it now at the dungeon....... all these subs hollering "Green, green, green......... please green!"

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Post #: 16

RE: Safe Word a Deal Killer? - 6/14/2008 7:04:46 AM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

emerald, khaki or daddy green?

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 17

RE: Safe Word a Deal Killer? - 6/14/2008 7:13:21 AM

MamaDomme1

Posts: 377
Joined: 1/12/2008
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kelly green might be fun also~~~

(in reply to Madame4a)

Post #: 18

RE: Safe Word a Deal Killer? - 6/14/2008 7:18:24 AM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

how about girl scout?

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to MamaDomme1)

Post #: 19

RE: Safe Word a Deal Killer? - 6/14/2008 8:00:04 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

Lime green for me!

And yeah, I have had the green call, after we were in the yellow zone! As for ending the relationship for safe-ing out in a *scene*? LOLing 4 eva! RUN from that person, who obviously has no clue that even a supermasochist can have a bad day.

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Post #: 20

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