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I need Structure ! - 6/15/2008 8:07:00 AM

brattybrandi

Posts: 31
Joined: 7/8/2007
Status: offline

    This is kinda gonna be a rant with a question at the end. I've put myself into a situation with a man, a Dom, who I know cares deeply for me, who wants to be my Dom. He has stated so several times.

   Now here is the problem, I don't think he understands the dynamics I need. The type of submissive that I am. He gives me a ton of freedom. Freedom to do as I please, what I please, anytime I please. But then he then gets angry and upset with me when I do something he doesn't necessarily like, mostly revolving around jealousy issues. I give him the power to tell me what he wants. But he doesn't take advantage. I've told him I will respect what he say's. He say's "do whatever you want".

    I've told him in plain English what it is I need. I need him to take control. Use his Authority that I've given him. Say No if he means No. Yes if he means Yes. I want to have guidelines. I need to have rules. Without them I'm wandering around aimlessly, destined to fail him and upset him. Because I'm not a mind reader & I get confused.
     I'm a very intelligent woman. But when it comes to interpreting other peoples thoughts, when they don't say anything, it get's me into trouble.
    I am feeling like a part of something dire is missing in my life. I don't feel like me without the structure I need. It's very unsettling. I feel as if I'm screaming from the inside out.. "Tell me what to do.. Please!!!", " Guide me". I just want to make him happy. I'm tired of feeling like I'm failing.
     Ok that's the end of the rant. Now I would like opinions. Why can't he just take the upper hand. And why must I feel like I'm a failure with all this freedom.

Post #: 1

RE: I need Structure ! - 6/15/2008 8:17:20 AM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

I'd say he wants YOU to submit. He wants you to CHOOSE to put his wishes first. If you just want him happy, put what you know about him ahead of your ideas of what you want to do and act accordingly. If the things he gets upset about revolve around jealousy issues, then I'd suggest that you don't put yourself in those situations.

I'm thinking he's going to give you all the freedom you need to brat yourself (referring to your name as a possible reference regarding how you approach relationships) into no relationship.. or choose to stop that behavior and move forward in your submission to him.

This isn't rocket science.

juliet

< Message edited by julietsierra -- 6/15/2008 8:20:06 AM >

(in reply to brattybrandi)

Post #: 2

RE: I need Structure ! - 6/15/2008 8:18:46 AM

Sabella

Posts: 265
Joined: 7/26/2005
Status: offline

Sounds like a compatibility issue to me. He isn't your dom (tho he wants to be) so this may be the reason for him not taking control yet. Perhaps. But more than likely you aren't a good fit for each other if neither of you are happy with the status quo. JMHO.

_____________________________

“The giant Grof was hit in one eye by a stone,
and that eye turned inward so that it looked into his mind and he died of what he saw there.”
From The Forgotten Beasts of Eld, by Patricia A. McKillip

(in reply to brattybrandi)

Post #: 3

RE: I need Structure ! - 6/15/2008 8:27:26 AM

brattybrandi

Posts: 31
Joined: 7/8/2007
Status: offline

I understand this isn't rocket science. And I've removed myself from those jealousy situations the best I know how. And I do believe that I have shown him my sense of submission. My question is why can't he show me the Dom side that I need. It's not that hard. I've given him everything willingly to establish trust. And yet there is still doubt on his end it seems. I'm at a loss.

(in reply to julietsierra)

Post #: 4

RE: I need Structure ! - 6/15/2008 9:03:03 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Why can't you show the submissive side he wants? Stop blaming him for being who he is. You aren't at a loss, you just want him to dom you the way that makes you feel happy.

There's nothing wrong with that, except you can't really expect it to happen. See things for what they ARE and decide if THAT is what works for you or not. People always say women try to change men- ths is sounding like a classic example.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to brattybrandi)

Post #: 5

RE: I need Structure ! - 6/15/2008 9:30:18 AM

XxSpiderxX

Posts: 12
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline

See, I find it strange that the situation you described is the same as what I began with my slave. I told her she was free to do what she wanted for the day. She spent the entire day with me in mind. Everything she did, she did so that I would be proud of her. She did research on shabari techniques, as she knows I enjoy that in our playtime. She cleaned out her car, because I had mentioned in passing as we were getting out at a SubWay that I was getting tired of stepping on shit when I got in and out of her car. She went and bought a copy of the satanic bible, because I am a LaVeyan Satanist, so she would have a better understanding of how I think. One of my friends observed her being confronted by a male who had romantic interest in her. She said, "I'm sorry, you aren't my master, if you're interested in me you'll need to speak with him" as I had instructed her to do. I have pride in my property, because she makes me proud in everything she does. She does this by putting me first in her thoughts. She always acts as though I am standing right there next to her, even when I am miles away.
Perhaps this dom of yours hasn't layed out the foundation of how he expects you to act, but is any man really all that different? They want to know how important a part of your life they are. A dom just adds his unique rules, maybe this one just cant think of any yet, give it time. I know I didnt really say anything in this post, but I hope to add food for thought to your reading.

-Master Spider

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 6

RE: I need Structure ! - 6/15/2008 9:34:56 AM

Quin

Posts: 37
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I would have to agree with the others. You want a Dom who will tell you when to sit, when to stand, when to eat, when to shit, when to breathe, etc. and he's not giving you that. You need to decide how much you want to be his sub/slave. When it comes to consideration of a girl, I tend to give her all the rope she needs to hang herself with...I want to find out how in tune with me she is. I would suggest that, if you really want to be his, sit down and ask him what his expectations are as a dominant. He should be able to tell you that...then live up to those expectations. Sometimes a dominant wants to determine how ready the girl is to receive that level of control, it's up to you to set some limits on yourself to start with, to show him that you are...then, I suspect, he will give you more.

Some might even see what you're doing as a form of "topping from the bottom", inasmuch as, since he's not giving you the amount of control you want, you become a brat and keep on pushing till he does...that's only going to exasperate him. Set your own limits in accordance with his expectations and stick to them...show that you're ready to be his.

_____________________________

"It's my job as a Master to teach you how to serve me.
It's my job as a sadist to completely screw that up."
~FifthAngel~

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 7

RE: I need Structure ! - 6/15/2008 9:35:57 AM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: brattybrandi

I understand this isn't rocket science. And I've removed myself from those jealousy situations the best I know how. And I do believe that I have shown him my sense of submission. My question is why can't he show me the Dom side that I need. It's not that hard. I've given him everything willingly to establish trust. And yet there is still doubt on his end it seems. I'm at a loss.

I'd say he's told you EXACTLY what you need to do. You're simply not listening. He wants a grown woman who looks at her man and makes the decisions necessary on her part for the relationship to continue. When you stop trying to manipulate the situation to get him to "perform" for you, you'll see that he's been telling you all along.

Stop attempting to manipulate events
Start listening to him
Start thinking about what he's been telling you
Start using that brain, not to be defensive about what he's not doing, but about what YOU are and are not doing.
Mostly, stop attempting to manipulate HIM
Show him what you're capable of
Quit holding back until he has to tell you
Decide if you REALLY want to submit to him, and then...
SUBMIT

That's about it in a nutshell. He sounds like he wants things to develop naturally - or not.. and he's not going to be bullied into doing what you want him to do simply because you're unwilling to think for yourself.

juliet

< Message edited by julietsierra -- 6/15/2008 9:39:59 AM >

(in reply to brattybrandi)

Post #: 8

RE: I need Structure ! - 6/15/2008 9:36:37 AM

MstrVik

Posts: 122
Joined: 3/31/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: brattybrandi
Now here is the problem, I don't think he understands the dynamics I need.

Maybe it could be useful if you would be willing to simply forget about your own needs in that area for a while, and rather try to see his needs more clearly. - You don't say anything about how long you have been together; it could very well be that he simply wants to know even more about you and your personality before imposing any restrictions and creating a definite structure.

quote:

ORIGINAL: brattybrandi
I've told him in plain English what it is I need.

You say nothing about his response to that, and it could be that he has a perfectly good reason for not giving it to you - and at least not yet. Would you say you need structure more than you need him? If your answer to that question is yes, then you might indeed be uncompatible; and if it's a no, then you should be able to work it out. It seems to me also that some kind of structure is being created, allthough slowly - so work with what you've got already. - And he might be giving you a lesson in patience also - perhaps you need that as well; or even more...

_____________________________

~ sometimes a spanking is just a spanking...

(in reply to brattybrandi)

Post #: 9

RE: I need Structure ! - 6/15/2008 9:38:27 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

See I say the opposite- never forget your needs or desires. But find someone who works WITH you, not someone who is hot and available and you hope to change.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MstrVik)

Post #: 10

RE: I need Structure ! - 6/15/2008 9:41:06 AM

celticlord2112

Posts: 5732
Status: offline

There's a communications gap here.

Every dominant will handle matters differently. Some dominants micromanage, others want to manage as little as possible. The majority fall in between. Ditto for submissives, on the other side of that coin.

My method is a simple structure of ten rules, or ,as I term them, Precepts. They are general guidelines around which my slave is expected to orient her life.

So long as my slave stays within the boundaries defined by the Precepts, she can never displease me--by definition.

_____________________________

(in reply to brattybrandi)

Post #: 11

RE: I need Structure ! - 6/15/2008 9:44:47 AM

slavejale

Posts: 174
Joined: 9/22/2007
Status: offline

Greetings to All and all,

greetings to the OPoster,

as others have said, read the post that you posted here. check how many times you have said "I", "I", and "I". its not about you, its about "Him". i,too, had that problem (still working on it also), its not about you its about Him.

thats basically all that needs to be said i believe.

i wish you well in your relationship.

well wishes to All and all.

(in reply to MstrVik)

Post #: 12

RE: I need Structure ! - 6/15/2008 9:47:39 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

You're not compatible.

You want someone to tell you what to do. Nothing wrong with that except it isn't his style.

He wants someone to volunteer to do what he likes and ask if unsure about a situation. Nothing wrong with that except it isn't your style.

The truth is that it's a lot easier to wait for him to give an order and then follow it. It's a lot harder to control yourself first, and ask him about his feelings before you do something.

An idea, from now on whenever he gets upset about something you've done, remind him that he said you could do what you wanted. Then ask him what he would prefer you to do in such a situation. If he steadfastedly refuses to tell you ahead of time what will or will not anger him, move on. If he can only tell you what to do after a situation occurs, chalk it down to him not being an imaginative type and write down the situation and his approved action. Soon enough you'll have that list of rules you're wanting.

But better if unsure is to call him up and say "this is the situation, I don't want you to get upset with me again and I don't know what you want me to do. Please tell me what will please you in this situation". Either he will tell you what to do or he will keep setting you up to fail.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 13

RE: I need Structure ! - 6/15/2008 9:52:04 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejale
as others have said, read the post that you posted here. check how many times you have said "I", "I", and "I". its not about you, its about "Him". i,too, had that problem (still working on it also), its not about you its about Him.

thats basically all that needs to be said i believe.

i wish you well in your relationship.

well wishes to All and all.

Actually relationships are about everyone being fulfilled by being together.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to slavejale)

Post #: 14

RE: I need Structure ! - 6/15/2008 9:52:24 AM

brattybrandi

Posts: 31
Joined: 7/8/2007
Status: offline

Ive done very simillar things. I've taken interests in things he likes. I've learned & researched things I didn't know prior so that i would be able to have informed conversations. I have placed limits on myself because he wont.

(in reply to XxSpiderxX)

Post #: 15

RE: I need Structure ! - 6/15/2008 9:54:13 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

So you've decided how you should be dominated.

That's fine- now go find someone who wants to dominate you in exactly that way.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to brattybrandi)

Post #: 16

RE: I need Structure ! - 6/15/2008 9:56:41 AM

slavejale

Posts: 174
Joined: 9/22/2007
Status: offline

Greetings to All and all
greetings to Ms. (LA) if i may call You that?

yes that is true, however with her situation, i believe that if she starts thinking of Him, that may help her....though if what He wants is really affecting her where she cannot physically and emotionally handle the demands, then she may want to extract herself from the the situation. (did i use extract right *soft chuckles*).

that is what i believe, i am trying to say.

well wishes to All and all.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 17

RE: I need Structure ! - 6/15/2008 9:57:56 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Jale- yes LA is great. And thanks for clarifying, I agree with what you say here.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to slavejale)

Post #: 18

RE: I need Structure ! - 6/15/2008 9:59:02 AM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: brattybrandi

Ive done very simillar things. I've taken interests in things he likes. I've learned & researched things I didn't know prior so that i would be able to have informed conversations. I have placed limits on myself because he wont.

The point is that those folks who did that did it because it was paramount in their minds that they do this for their Masters. They had no ulterior motives, no grand design. They simply served. And along the way, they felt joy in doing so (so their needs were met as well)

From what it sounds like, you're doing this so that you can convince him that you're worthy enough for him to place limits on you. When you do that, there is no joy because you can never "measure up." You see, the yardstick is in your own head and you've decided that you can't be all you can be without him performing his role in the way you see fit.

What you fail to realize is what he's attempting to teach you...that a) you can't "buy" other people's affections with behavior designed to acquire for yourself something they're unwilling to give and b) you can't rule them into caring enough to do what they need to do. He's allowing you to choose your own path - either to him or away from him.

This is Your choice... and interestingly, these are also HIS rules for making that choice...except that you can't, or won't see them.

And DesFIP said it exactly right... if you can't do things that way and what he does isn't fulfilling you, then your decision isn't how you can get him to do what you want. Your decision is whether you want to stay with him exactly the way he is - or not.

juliet

< Message edited by julietsierra -- 6/15/2008 10:05:20 AM >

(in reply to brattybrandi)

Post #: 19

RE: I need Structure ! - 6/15/2008 10:00:18 AM

brattybrandi

Posts: 31
Joined: 7/8/2007
Status: offline

No "I" don't want to be micromanaged. Don't want to be told when to shit, piss, eat & breath. It would just be nice to have a little bit of D/s structure. His expectations ... are that of no expectations.

And yes you're right "topping from the bottom" I do it sometimes and I'm not even aware of it for the most part. Thank you for opening my eyes to it. I't seems I'm the problem.

(in reply to Quin)

Post #: 20

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