RE: Stop it or back off....that's too intense...

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Stop it or back off....that's too intense...

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Stop it or back off....that's too intense...

Page: << < prev 1 2 3 [4]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Stop it or back off....that's too intense... - 6/17/2008 9:38:20 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Thank you for this owned. One of the things that I was pondering is that on those occasions where I was hanging on that edge, just as you said...... whether it be a physical edge or an emotional one, if I had not suppressed the urge to assert some control or "yellow"....how much growth might I have lost? how much could I possibly have lessened the resulting bond? Can saving yourself some discomfort in the short term carry a heavy pricetag in the long term?

In my case Erin, the lost growth would have been immeasurable. I don't have the authority, however, to decide how much growing I do or don't do. And we are both confident enough to know he can pull me out of any horrible headspace. After all this time, my trust in him is pretty damn solid, so when he says "let go", I do, completely.

This took working toward, though. I used to mentally hang onto myself, totally overwhelmed with my circumstance. Later I would cry to him that I felt like I was falling apart and couldn't let go and totally give over. He would always assure me that I would never come apart as long as I was in his hands. Over time I have come to realize that, trust that, and count on that. It's important to note, however, that this didn't happen overnight. It took a long time for me to trust him like that, and only after time and again he proved that he knew both me and himself well enough to deal with what may come.

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Profile

Post #: 61

RE: Stop it or back off....that's too intense... - 6/17/2008 10:44:21 AM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin
if I had not suppressed the urge to assert some control or "yellow"....how much growth might I have lost? how much could I possibly have lessened the resulting bond? Can saving yourself some discomfort in the short term carry a heavy pricetag in the long term?

This is why the answer to your question depends on your dynamic, even if it is a M/s one. To suppress my behaviors during play is disobedience for us. For other people/relationships it is not.

This is also one example of why I do not like to use the word 'control' in referencing D/s or M/s relationships; I find it to be misleading. Alandra and I have quite a bit of control over many things in our life and play. What we do not have is the authority to exercise that control in any manner that we wish. We must exercise that control in the manner he dictates.

Controlling our hand to give the signal that indicates an equivalent of 'yellow', i.e. this is getting to much, is not an exercise in authority. His authority, has dictated that we will give this hand signal when we think we need to. It is then his authority that decides what will happen after the hand signal is given. Withholding the hand signal because I want play to go a certain way, is me exercising my own authority. It is his decision how far to take play and whether it is going to be an interaction that we both are physically gratified from or an interaction where I will be miserable and he will receive the gratification.

This is not a pitch to change your opinion about using yellow's equivalent in your own play, but how it isn't always about exercising authority. The behaviors do not dictate who has authority in a relationship; the motivation for those behaviors do.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to mistoferin)

Profile

Post #: 62