Trashed reputation

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trueshadow -> Trashed reputation (11/3/2005 3:59:14 PM)
I've finally encountered something I've heard about, but, thankfully (until now), never experienced first-hand. I have been participating in munches, parties, demonstrations et cetera for twenty years or so. I primarily identify as a sub/slave. I've served several mistresses over that time, almost always have sex as a submissive/bottom. In other words, I think I know myself pretty darn well. I attended a local munch a few months ago. After the munch, a few of us went out to a local restaurant. In the middle of our nice meal, a Domme announced to all present that I was NOT a submissive! I suppose I did not meet HER definition of a submissive. However, we all know there are as many flavors of the type as one can imagine. Long story short, this woman has proceeded (for some reason) to spread lies about me (apparently, since she doesn't have the courage to discuss this with me personally). She has had me booted off local lists, has convinced other Dommes that somehow I'm a monster, et cetera. I guess this all arose from the fact that I interrupted her (once) when she was talking. I do admit to a 'type A' personality, but she's not MY mistress, and to me she's just another kinky person. Apparently (and inexplicably) she is popular in the local FemDomme scene. So what do I do about this situation? I don't feel I have to prove myself to anyone, but this is all so stupid.

mnottertail -> RE: Trashed reputation (11/3/2005 4:06:53 PM)
if this is as you say it is do absolutelyfuckingnothing......... To idiots it will appear as tho you are submissive. To anyone it will appear like you may have a handle on a little class. go as you have been going, to munches parties and so on. If you defend yourself, do it minimally, find a way to say to her when challenged publically, well that might be ONE alternative. So, not everyone has the same world view. Who gives a rat's ass? You can be you with honor and dignity and have you to go to bed with right now. If she confronts you, be polite and if she brings it up you could say, As you are pleased Ma'am or my lady........ Then fuck it. There are billions and billions of people in the world, you got one pissed off at you so what? Maybe that's how shes making her play? Now you know why some men ignore what's written on profiles........ But I am serious, Ron

JohnWarren -> RE: Trashed reputation (11/3/2005 4:08:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: trueshadow So what do I do about this situation? I don't feel I have to prove myself to anyone, but this is all so stupid. With a twenty year reputation, I'd say you could just laugh at this. Anyone who knows you and believes the lies isn't worth knowing and those who don't will probably find out the truth pretty quick. If it helps, just about every significant figure in the scene has had at least one bad-mouthing attack

LadiesBladewing -> RE: Trashed reputation (11/3/2005 4:16:06 PM)
From having much experience with this (courtesy of being involved in a -wide- variety of alternative communities, rather than from any one community in particular), the very best advice that I can give you is to be absolutely true to yourself, stay visible without feeling the need to justify yourself in general, if individuals -ask- about the situation, explain yourself and the situation with as LITTLE inflammatory language as possible while still retaining your dignity and your honesty, and be patient. Over time, the situation will resolve itself. One thing that is very beneficial (if you have it available to you) is a dominant who is willing to speak for you without inciting further trauma. Even better is if there are a -number- of individuals, both submissive and dominant, who would be willing to go to the mat on your behalf whenever they hear untrue remarks. I would ask for a reason why you were booted from the list you mention, and ask why you were not given an opportunity to address any charges levied against you. Lists are lists, but unless you have violated TOS, having you booted off a list is inappropriate for an "outside entity" to impress on you. The one thing I am strong about, though, is that you don't let this woman keep you from going out and being a part of the community. The more visible you are, and the more you show your true self, the more difficult it will be for any lies being spread about you to catch hold. Lady Zephyr

LordODiscipline -> RE: Trashed reputation (11/3/2005 4:24:45 PM)
Listen to what the first two who have posted after your original entry have said - they are absolutely 'right on' about this situation. No concerns and no retribution. It would only serve to muddy the issue of her personal vindictive idiocy. ~J

Chaingang -> RE: Trashed reputation (11/3/2005 5:12:21 PM)
Yeah, everyone has already said it... All you can do is justify her actions by either positive or negative reinforcement if you respond at all. Do nothing instead. On a side note: From what I have experienced myself firsthand and from what I hear about most munches, email lists, etc - such organizations are little better in many cases than high school socials. There are little cliques and in-fighting and all manner of nonsense. You may find it a necessary evil to participate in those networking schemes, but you don't have to succumb to the bullshit yourself. Engage but be aloof. From how you described your relationship to this woman it sounds like you do not care for her very much at all. So fine, don't care - put her right out of your mind. You win when she fails to ensnare you in her BS.

angelthighhighs -> RE: Trashed reputation (11/3/2005 5:17:49 PM)
be yourself and confident in who you are.....i firmly believe that always the truth shows. if you continue to show yourself as you have been others will see it and start to see her for what she is. actions speak louder than words and don't stoop to her level. she's not worth it.

SirSix72 -> RE: Trashed reputation (11/3/2005 5:40:50 PM)
Well the hard part is to see through the muddy water that has been placed before my eyes...ive seen dozens of posts like this one......ive told a few that they arent a slave r submissive...so what....all I see is one side of the story..........maybe the group you were participating in had some protocols that you hadnt followed...this is neither here nor there.......whats the other side of the story ? What lead up to this event then I think we can all see what "the rest of the story" is Master Six

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Trashed reputation (11/3/2005 6:26:21 PM)
I think the best way to respond would be to laugh and then say "Yes maam, now can you pass me the salt?" I agree with John, reputations speak for themselves. People who make a show out of talking about others reps have a good audience for about six months, tops.

candystripper -> RE: Trashed reputation (11/3/2005 7:22:07 PM)
Well, though no one will endorse this course of action, including me, i will tell you that if you can prove (1) what she said was a lie -- a statement of fact which you can prove is untrue, not an opinion alone -- and you are willing to also try and prove (2) as a direct result of the lie(s), you have been blacklisted from a place you enjoyed for "leisure"; you have a potential lawsuit. Slander, if spoken; libel, if written. i cannot imagine damages awarded would be anything more than a modest amount, so filing against her in small claims court is probably your best option. Bear in mind, most people do not pay judgments voluntarially; you will have to report the judgment to credit bureaus; send a collection letter; etc. And this may still not be sufficient if she owns no asset you can execute judgment upon. Automobiles are generally available assets, but DMV is a royal pain. In small claims, you can represent yourself; and it is possible (always assuming you win) that a judgment in your favor might establish in the minds of other people that you were the victim of a campaign of lies, etc. On the other hand, it might only signal that you are a litigious person whose feelings are easily hurt...there's no assurance what the result would be insofar as your reputation is concerned. i thought i'd present you with this option, so at least you feel you "don't have to take it" if you don't want to. However, this is a poor second to the advice given you by others on this thread. Please note: this post provides some general information, and cannot nor does not replace legal advice from your own lawyer. candystripper

Chaingang -> RE: Trashed reputation (11/3/2005 7:34:19 PM)
Yeah, because that wouldn't be overkill or anything...

sub4hire -> RE: Trashed reputation (11/3/2005 7:59:53 PM)
People call me a dominant all of the time. It is a compliment to me. Those who do, I know I could dominate quite easily. After all they already see me that way. People are going to view you in whatever fashion they want to. You know who you are and that is all that matters. Behaving like a child and banning you from group's is a bit much. Though what can you do?

MastersPet46 -> RE: Trashed reputation (11/3/2005 9:04:44 PM)
I feel for you in this situation.. and I dont think I could have expressed it more clearly than the post by mnottertail. Recently the same thing happened to me to some degree. And at first my feelings were hurt but.. when i sat back and saw how affending her reflections were to other people. I said to myself.. Aww the work of Kharma in progress. Some people that have been LIVING the life and not playing games . Seem to be confused when we are first judged (ironic comming from people who proclai not to judge anyone) People in all realms of life will manipulate and harm to get what they want.. but in the end... its who you spend time with and care for that matter.. I could ramble on this subject until i give myself a headache.. because i feel its all such a waste of energy by trying to hurt someone.. ok im done.. had to put my 10 cents in

ExistentialSteel -> RE: Trashed reputation (11/4/2005 12:58:39 AM)
It sounds like she pulled the classic, self-revealing line on you when she judged you "not to be submissive." I'm sure that bells rung with the others present. When anyone is presumptuous enough to publicly pronounce that they know the "true" definition of what a Dom or sub is and can distinguish it in someone regardless of that person's own opinion , they are in their own world.

NYDiscipline -> RE: Trashed reputation (11/4/2005 5:23:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: candystripper Well, though no one will endorse this course of action, including me, i will tell you that if you can prove (1) what she said was a lie -- a statement of fact which you can prove is untrue, not an opinion alone -- and you are willing to also try and prove (2) as a direct result of the lie(s), you have been blacklisted from a place you enjoyed for "leisure"; you have a potential lawsuit. Slander, if spoken; libel, if written. i cannot imagine damages awarded would be anything more than a modest amount, so filing against her in small claims court is probably your best option. Bear in mind, most people do not pay judgments voluntarially; you will have to report the judgment to credit bureaus; send a collection letter; etc. And this may still not be sufficient if she owns no asset you can execute judgment upon. Automobiles are generally available assets, but DMV is a royal pain. In small claims, you can represent yourself; and it is possible (always assuming you win) that a judgment in your favor might establish in the minds of other people that you were the victim of a campaign of lies, etc. Didn't I see this on an episode of Boston Legal?.... If not, the writers should forward candystripper royalties when it airs. While it seems legally correct, I'd pay to see the look on the judge's face. Just remember- if you do decide to go to court- make sure you wear all the fetish garb you have- just for effect...

sweetpettjenny -> RE: Trashed reputation (11/4/2005 5:29:22 AM)
How about simply , just accepting others choices and not being so judgemental. how can you judge someone without knowing them or there behavior??? quote: ORIGINAL: SirSix72 Well the hard part is to see through the muddy water that has been placed before my eyes...ive seen dozens of posts like this one......ive told a few that they arent a slave r submissive...so what....all I see is one side of the story..........maybe the group you were participating in had some protocols that you hadnt followed...this is neither here nor there.......whats the other side of the story ? What lead up to this event then I think we can all see what "the rest of the story" is Master Six

thetammyjo -> RE: Trashed reputation (11/4/2005 6:12:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: trueshadow I've finally encountered something I've heard about, but, thankfully (until now), never experienced first-hand. I have been participating in munches, parties, demonstrations et cetera for twenty years or so. I primarily identify as a sub/slave. I've served several mistresses over that time, almost always have sex as a submissive/bottom. In other words, I think I know myself pretty darn well. I attended a local munch a few months ago. After the munch, a few of us went out to a local restaurant. In the middle of our nice meal, a Domme announced to all present that I was NOT a submissive! I suppose I did not meet HER definition of a submissive. However, we all know there are as many flavors of the type as one can imagine. Long story short, this woman has proceeded (for some reason) to spread lies about me (apparently, since she doesn't have the courage to discuss this with me personally). She has had me booted off local lists, has convinced other Dommes that somehow I'm a monster, et cetera. I guess this all arose from the fact that I interrupted her (once) when she was talking. I do admit to a 'type A' personality, but she's not MY mistress, and to me she's just another kinky person. Apparently (and inexplicably) she is popular in the local FemDomme scene. So what do I do about this situation? I don't feel I have to prove myself to anyone, but this is all so stupid. HUG I'd say that if others are believing her after you've been around for 20 years then they are likely newbies who don't you, don't know her, and who somehow think that "dominant" person must be a loud-mouthed, aggressive wanker. Anyone who feels the need to try and destroy another person's reputation publically isn't worthy your time to counter. Continuing attending events, talk to those you know and attend events with them. If you confront her you are playing into her fantasy. If no one supports you, walk away. Those types of communities aren't really communities at all but merely venues for the needy, the greedy, and the unsure to strut because they couldn't strut in a real BDSM situation or relationship. HUG

Phoenxx -> RE: Trashed reputation (11/4/2005 7:54:38 AM)
Different people will handle what has happened to you in different ways. Having just gone through two separate spats of this myself I can only tell you what I did. When someone went out and started spreading a rumour about us, I picked up the phone and called those I knew mostly likely to be involved with it’s creation and spreading. And warned them off in a very friendly manner… I said something about knowing where the bodies had been hidden since I helped move them… And in the last case, where it was said that I had went past limits, I apologized for accidentally crossing the line, and let my reputation speak for itself. Those that know me, will figure out what happened. Those that don’t will be happy to jump to one conclusion or the other. Funny thing is that after all the times this sort of thing happens to those involved in the public scene, the ones who make the accusations generally disappear, and the people who the stories are made up about are still around…. Tony

OscarHargraves -> RE: Trashed reputation (11/4/2005 7:58:59 AM)
Have you considered hiring a nice little Italian gentleman to break both her legs and remove her tongue? Seriously, the best thing is to do nothing. Actually the best thing is to laugh about it in front of your other friends in the community and play it up. Let THEM decide who is real and who isn't.

WickedKev -> RE: Trashed reputation (11/4/2005 8:13:57 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mnottertail if this is as you say it is do absolutelyfuckingnothing......... To idiots it will appear as tho you are submissive. To anyone it will appear like you may have a handle on a little class. go as you have been going, to munches parties and so on. If you defend yourself, do it minimally, find a way to say to her when challenged publically, well that might be ONE alternative. So, not everyone has the same world view. Who gives a rat's ass? You can be you with honor and dignity and have you to go to bed with right now. If she confronts you, be polite and if she brings it up you could say, As you are pleased Ma'am or my lady........ Then fuck it. There are billions and billions of people in the world, you got one pissed off at you so what? Maybe that's how shes making her play? Now you know why some men ignore what's written on profiles........ But I am serious, Ron I so agree with this statement. I have had a few try to ruin my reputation in our community over the vast number of years, I just ignored it, I would never say if whatthe person was talking about was true or false, and I would never bad talk the person spreading the lies. In effect my reputation (or so I was told) went up, theres dropped like a stone. One submissive who after meeting her I decided we had no future together. When I told her this she threatened to tell the community what a Bastard I am. Years later I still have yet to find the downside to this threat.....

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