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Someone judged me/my relationship/my kinks - 6/20/2008 4:54:15 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		Yup. You put it out there and I hate to tell you this but EVERYBODY who read it or responded judged it. Just because someone responds that they are opposed doesn't make it any more a judgment than those who responded in agreement. Like in the old RUSH song...."if you choose not to decide you still have made a choice". So why is it that so many people hurl the "judgmental" label like a weapon....which, by the way, is also just as "judgmental". Do you really think that your particular situation will be favorable or understandable to EVERYONE? Did you not expect that there would be some who were NOT in agreement?

When we post intimate or personal information about ourselves on here we are painting a picture and holding it up for others to see. When you look at a piece of art you either like it, hate it...or it just doesn't really do anything for you one way or another. Sometimes you need only see a glimpse of that picture to decide if it strikes your fancy...or not. Sometimes you need to look at every brush stroke it took to create it. We all are not going to find the same picture appealing and want to hang it on our wall.

Just boggles my mind that some folks on here seem to think that when someone doesn't agree and posts an opposing view that they have then sustained some kind of injury as a result.

I've been judged on here many, many times...both positively and negatively. I've even been judged for being judgmental. I don't feel injured by it....as a matter of fact when I put the words down and hit the "submit" button....I expect that everyone who reads them will form some kind of judgment. To expect any other result would just make no sense.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"
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RE: Someone judged me/my relationship/my kinks - 6/20/2008 4:59:29 AM   
kittinSol


Posts: 16926
Status: offline 		Many reveal their intimate lives under the guise of seeking advice or opinion, but really, in the hope of gaining validation. When they don't get the validation they expected, they whinge that other people are judgemental, unfair and mean. It's a recurrent theme - and sometimes, a very entertaining one, in a sick talk-show kind of way.


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(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Someone judged me/my relationship/my kinks - 6/20/2008 5:10:27 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Misty I go thru that a lot with my post. I look at it this way. If you don't want to be judged then don't put it out there. Besides it is only my opinion. You can give a shit about it or not.  

(in reply to kittinSol)
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RE: Someone judged me/my relationship/my kinks - 6/20/2008 5:15:22 AM   
DominantJenny


Posts: 645
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline 		I think what really matters is HOW the judgement is handled. Saying, "Not for me, but if it works for you" is judgement most reasonable people can cope with. Saying, "You are a sick fuck who should dwell in the seventh level of hell"...not so much.
I suppose a more correct term would be "respectful judgement" vs. "disrespectful judgement"...but most people just use the shorthand that has evolved naturally.

(in reply to Dnomyar)
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RE: Someone judged me/my relationship/my kinks - 6/20/2008 5:21:45 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DominantJenny

I think what really matters is HOW the judgement is handled. Saying, "Not for me, but if it works for you" is judgement most reasonable people can cope with. Saying, "You are a sick fuck who should dwell in the seventh level of hell"...not so much.
I suppose a more correct term would be "respectful judgement" vs. "disrespectful judgement"...but most people just use the shorthand that has evolved naturally.


You don't even have to go to the seventh level of hell to offend people here. All you have to do is give the reasons why you are in opposition....sometimes all you have to do is say you are in opposition. People say they post for opinions or advice...and if everyone who was opposed said "not for me but if it works for you"...would they really get an opposing view point which to consider and make their own decisions from? A message forum would be pretty damn boring if everyone on it were either saying..."you go girl"....or "not for me". Why would anyone even bother to post anything if they were not looking for the actual opinions of others....positive and negative? If all I ever wanted was validation that I'm right I could stand in front of a mirror and talk to myself....I know the person looking back agrees with me.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to DominantJenny)
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RE: Someone judged me/my relationship/my kinks - 6/20/2008 5:31:47 AM   
TNstepsout


Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline 		Well the "judgement" insult is used a lot to try to win an argument without actually backing up one's argument. For me the difference in judging others in a good way, vs. a bad way is that in "good judgement" I'm deciding if another person is someone I want to hang out with or be around, or to have as a part of my circle of friends. I really only want people of good character close to me. Anything else is dangerous.  In this case I judge people based on how they treat other people and conduct themselves.

The bad kind of judgement is to declare that another person is wrong or bad because of of things they do that you don't agree with. You don't want to have them around you because you can't tolerate their views, life choices, actions etc...

A good example is cheaters. There are people here from time to time who attempt to justify cheating on one's spouse. When they don't get support they call other posters "judgemental". For me, cheating goes to over all character. Someone who I know is lying and deceiving the person closest to them, is displaying characteristics that in my mind, tells me they might do the same thing to me. So I wouldn't want them close to me.

At least that's how I separate the two.

(in reply to DominantJenny)
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RE: Someone judged me/my relationship/my kinks - 6/20/2008 5:33:36 AM   
NeedingMore220


Posts: 615
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin
You don't even have to go to the seventh level of hell to offend people here. All you have to do is give the reasons why you are in opposition....sometimes all you have to do is say you are in opposition. People say they post for opinions or advice...and if everyone who was opposed said "not for me but if it works for you"...would they really get an opposing view point which to consider and make their own decisions from? A message forum would be pretty damn boring if everyone on it were either saying..."you go girl"....or "not for me". Why would anyone even bother to post anything if they were not looking for the actual opinions of others....positive and negative? If all I ever wanted was validation that I'm right I could stand in front of a mirror and talk to myself....I know the person looking back agrees with me.



A really good point ... what a boring message board this would be without the give and take of opposing judgments.  I don't mean the ones which insult while judging.  I mean the ones that either oppose and explain their POV or the ones that agree and explain why they agree.  Why it works for them. 

I've learned so much from the boards, which I've taken and used to formulate my own opinions.  I'm rarely above thinking 'huh, hadn't thought of it that way'.  There are some very well-spoken and insightful posters on the boards and I'd hate to lose that for political correctness.

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Someone judged me/my relationship/my kinks - 6/20/2008 6:02:31 AM   
Deliena


Posts: 623
Joined: 6/16/2007
From: Darlington, United Kingdom
Status: offline 		To be honest I find that the distance between a well worded post which disagrees with the original poster / flow of the current thread and a flame is very short on any board where the main topic is a subject of emotional investment.

I have moderated internet forums for years and one of the best 'bare knuckle' boards I've moderated was the Open University's Beliefs forum.  For a bunch of mature students apparently supposedly debating any form of belief system it was surprising how often it came down to "God hates gay people and the bible says so" vs "you're a closed minded wanker".  Shrug.  People can and do get their hair messed up by people who only know them through a computer screen apparently making judgements about very personal feelings.  Whether that's their religious beliefs (or lack of them) or whether that's how they like their kink.  The best way to take the temperature of posts is to think to yourself before clicking on the OK button "if this was my OP and I got this response would it piss me off?"  If the answer's yes and you don't want to piss the OP off, consider rewording what you've written.  It's not rocket science.

(in reply to NeedingMore220)
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RE: Someone judged me/my relationship/my kinks - 6/20/2008 6:08:47 AM   
EvilGeoff


Posts: 523
Joined: 8/24/2005
Status: offline 		I'll be the first to admit I can be judgemental. 

I don't like people that make illogical, irrational choices in their lives.
I don't particularly like people who won't accept personable responsibility for THEIR choices and actions.  Helloooo... when you jump out of an airplane you make bloody damn sure you have a parachute.  You don't whine on way down that no one told you you might hit the ground HARD.
Just because there is no One True Way doesn't mean that there aren't any bad or wrong ways.    There are LOTS of ways to fuck up an omellete.  When you do fuck up an omellete and put it out there for everyone to see, don't expect everyone to agree that your omellete recipe was peachy from the start.

I try to be reasonable.  I try to practice tolerance.  I try to accept others for who and what they are.  But dayum, there are some stupid people out there who make screwed up choices, and sometimes my inner sadist makes it impossible to not say "You are a fucktard". 

YIK,
- Geoff

(in reply to NeedingMore220)
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RE: Someone judged me/my relationship/my kinks - 6/20/2008 6:24:23 AM   
MasterHermes


Posts: 136
Joined: 5/23/2008
Status: offline



I hate it when these people , sorry emoticons are so judgmental.

Short answer is , its a mixture of posters expectations and responders attitude. Sometimes poster starts a thread for getting confirmation or attention and doesn't want to hear otherwise. Sometimes its the responders who add some insult in their post while saying "I dont agree" .

Hermes

(in reply to Deliena)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Someone judged me/my relationship/my kinks - 6/20/2008 6:29:09 AM   
Usako


Posts: 697
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline 		I always find it amusing when people post info about their lives and then get mad when they either don't get the resposne they want or, as you said, people don't agree with them. Asking for help on any internet forum has many pros and cons. If you're not ready for the cons then might as well not post at all.

(in reply to MasterHermes)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Someone judged me/my relationship/my kinks - 6/20/2008 6:34:49 AM   
Lynnxz


Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline 		Everyone judges, no matter how openminded you think yourself to be. I do it all the time, from making fun of the steriod whores at the gym, to being less than supportive of the blonde who can't figure out how to push her broken down car out of the middle of the road in rush hour.

There IS a difference between posting your views on something in a courteous, well thought out manner, and being obnoxious and rude.

On the other hand, this is the internet, and certain people tend to take themselves too seriously...


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HBIC



(in reply to MasterHermes)
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RE: Someone judged me/my relationship/my kinks - 6/20/2008 6:36:00 AM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline 		I think its rediculous how people can develop hate for those on the boards. So you had friction, so what. In time, people who have said something I didnt like orthat irritated, I like them, I respect them. Alot of people dont know how to not take things personally. I can disagree, argue, debate but still like and respect people. I dont think everyone is like that, though.

_____________________________

Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to Usako)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Someone judged me/my relationship/my kinks - 6/20/2008 6:38:26 AM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		I tend to keep the intimate details of my life.. personal and otherwise, within my close circle of friends.  I don't need the scrutiny of a bunch of people who don't know me...

I'm careful about how much I put out there.

Its a personal choice.

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Someone judged me/my relationship/my kinks - 6/20/2008 6:44:54 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: EvilGeoff

I'll be the first to admit I can be judgemental. 

I don't like people that make illogical, irrational choices in their lives.
I don't particularly like people who won't accept personable responsibility for THEIR choices and actions.  Helloooo... when you jump out of an airplane you make bloody damn sure you have a parachute.  You don't whine on way down that no one told you you might hit the ground HARD.
Just because there is no One True Way doesn't mean that there aren't any bad or wrong ways.    There are LOTS of ways to fuck up an omellete.  When you do fuck up an omellete and put it out there for everyone to see, don't expect everyone to agree that your omellete recipe was peachy from the start.

I try to be reasonable.  I try to practice tolerance.  I try to accept others for who and what they are.  But dayum, there are some stupid people out there who make screwed up choices, and sometimes my inner sadist makes it impossible to not say "You are a fucktard". 

YIK,
- Geoff



This pretty much sums up my feelings on the subject. Toss in my obnoxious sense of humour and some days I just sit here reading and laughing. Thanking god my life is not that fucked up and filled with stupid drama. God bless the fucktards!


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to EvilGeoff)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Someone judged me/my relationship/my kinks - 6/20/2008 6:47:08 AM   
DominantJenny


Posts: 645
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominantJenny

I think what really matters is HOW the judgement is handled. Saying, "Not for me, but if it works for you" is judgement most reasonable people can cope with. Saying, "You are a sick fuck who should dwell in the seventh level of hell"...not so much.
I suppose a more correct term would be "respectful judgement" vs. "disrespectful judgement"...but most people just use the shorthand that has evolved naturally.


You don't even have to go to the seventh level of hell to offend people here. All you have to do is give the reasons why you are in opposition....sometimes all you have to do is say you are in opposition. People say they post for opinions or advice...and if everyone who was opposed said "not for me but if it works for you"...would they really get an opposing view point which to consider and make their own decisions from? A message forum would be pretty damn boring if everyone on it were either saying..."you go girl"....or "not for me". Why would anyone even bother to post anything if they were not looking for the actual opinions of others....positive and negative? If all I ever wanted was validation that I'm right I could stand in front of a mirror and talk to myself....I know the person looking back agrees with me.


I was attempting to suggest a continuum. Disagreement can be put in a respectful, calm way or not. Respectful, calm disagreement...yeah, people getting their panties in a twist about that aren't being terribly reasonable or mature. It's very often about the language used and the way things are phrased, ime, however.

As far as validation...self-validation is sometimes not enough for people. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I think people who are looking for validation should say so, but I accept that many of them are not aware that that's what they're actually doing (mostly because no one really teaches them about it), or don't realize that it's okay to look for that.

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Someone judged me/my relationship/my kinks - 6/20/2008 6:47:13 AM   
Deliena


Posts: 623
Joined: 6/16/2007
From: Darlington, United Kingdom
Status: offline 		Just to clarify my post is meant to say "it's ok to disagree but the style in which one disagrees can good, bad or indifferent".  I also didn't state that it isn't ok to piss someone off if that is your intention, just to own that intention and deal with the fallout.

Shrug, other people will have different ideas of what is and is not good "nettiquette" on this one.  For me personally getting a thoughtful response on why someone disagrees with what I've posted and the opportunity to respond to it either to clarify my position (as above) if I think my meaning has not been taken (probably as the result of wording my post ambiguously) or to further debate the difference of opinion is useful, and probably why I've posted in the first place.

I tend not to put anything on a board I wouldn't be able to cope with someone dissecting and potentially disagreeing with vehemently because, frankly, that's what often happens <big grin>

Edited to add the end of a sentence so that it actually made sense (DOH)

< Message edited by Deliena -- 6/20/2008 6:49:02 AM >

(in reply to MasterHermes)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Someone judged me/my relationship/my kinks - 6/20/2008 6:50:16 AM   
DominantJenny


Posts: 645
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Deliena

To be honest I find that the distance between a well worded post which disagrees with the original poster / flow of the current thread and a flame is very short on any board where the main topic is a subject of emotional investment.

I have moderated internet forums for years and one of the best 'bare knuckle' boards I've moderated was the Open University's Beliefs forum.  For a bunch of mature students apparently supposedly debating any form of belief system it was surprising how often it came down to "God hates gay people and the bible says so" vs "you're a closed minded wanker".  Shrug.  People can and do get their hair messed up by people who only know them through a computer screen apparently making judgements about very personal feelings.  Whether that's their religious beliefs (or lack of them) or whether that's how they like their kink.  The best way to take the temperature of posts is to think to yourself before clicking on the OK button "if this was my OP and I got this response would it piss me off?"  If the answer's yes and you don't want to piss the OP off, consider rewording what you've written.  It's not rocket science.


Very true and well said.

(in reply to Deliena)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Someone judged me/my relationship/my kinks - 6/20/2008 6:51:31 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Of course people hate being judged, most people like truth like vampires like sunlight.  Only problem is sorting out the truth from the mere insults.

(in reply to Madame4a)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Someone judged me/my relationship/my kinks - 6/20/2008 6:56:41 AM   
Deliena


Posts: 623
Joined: 6/16/2007
From: Darlington, United Kingdom
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
Only problem is sorting out the truth from the mere insults.


That's a very good point Michael!

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 20
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