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Lifestyle double standard? - 6/20/2008 7:26:48 AM   
KinkeeCpl


Posts: 4
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline 		In My/Our experience, the acquiring of male subs is much easier than of female subs.  Wondering if any have an explanation as to why,  even in an alternative lifestyle, this is so. Ideally, if those here and at other lifestyle places are more open-minded than the vanillas, then it stands to reason that the female submissives wouldn't continue to behave the same as females in the vanilla world.  For instance, the obtaining of sex/play,  or even so little as a phone number or email addy SHOULD be easier, but it's not.  Any advice is appreciated. Not trying to be critical of those here, there are exceptions to everything.  Not "whining" either lol.  Frankly have had better luck with vanillas, who can then be trained, than those with experience.

< Message edited by KinkeeCpl -- 6/20/2008 7:45:59 AM >
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RE: Lifestyle double standard? - 6/20/2008 7:53:33 AM   
fluffyswitch


Posts: 1108
Joined: 9/29/2007
From: Buffalo
Status: offline 		i'm only going to talk from my own experience but here it goes. i get SO many emails from guys who show up on my viewed list who blatantly only looked at my pics. i get a lot emails that talk about me as if i'm single, or into something that's a hard limit, or talks to me like i'm stupid. i don't like being called little or such but i don't mind it, but i get emails from guys demanding contact info and to set my schedule around them (not so much from women). i'm a grad student, engaged, and under consideration. it's not something i'm interested in doing.

i think i disagree that it should be easier (if i read you right). if anything it can be more dangerous just with the physicality of it (but then i've ran into trouble before). and you're also looking through a high demand group of people. it's possible you're not looking for the right group of women, women who are interested in the same thing. like i said i get a lot of email from guys even though my profile says that i'm taken to the point where i had to put a filter question up. no one has succesfully made it through the filter, so i only answer if i know the person.


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(in reply to KinkeeCpl)
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RE: Lifestyle double standard? - 6/20/2008 7:56:40 AM   
MrRandallspe


Posts: 110
Joined: 1/1/2008
Status: offline 		Being a male, I know that I have readily done things without much hesitation and forethought.
I have talked to many sub females and they are needing a good deal of reassurance before they enter into something of this sort where they have to feel that they can trust someone/a couple before they commit.
Yes,some are willing to jump right in,,yet many need that "warm cozy" feeling first.

(in reply to KinkeeCpl)
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RE: Lifestyle double standard? - 6/20/2008 8:01:36 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KinkeeCpl

In My/Our experience, the acquiring of male subs is much easier than of female subs.  Wondering if any have an explanation as to why,  even in an alternative lifestyle, this is so. Ideally, if those here and at other lifestyle places are more open-minded than the vanillas, then it stands to reason that the female submissives wouldn't continue to behave the same as females in the vanilla world.  For instance, the obtaining of sex/play,  or even so little as a phone number or email addy SHOULD be easier, but it's not.  Any advice is appreciated. Not trying to be critical of those here, there are exceptions to everything.  Not "whining" either lol.  Frankly have had better luck with vanillas, who can then be trained, than those with experience.


Why do you think it should be easier?

Personally I think it should be more difficult. At least I expect it to be. After all, you are asking someone to give you far more control over their life and well being than most any vanilla type relationship.

If I was a sub/slave I would have the prospective dominants/master/mistress, jumping through more hoops than a circus dog.


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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Lifestyle double standard? - 6/20/2008 8:06:09 AM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Something we hear the male subs bemoaning constantly.
Supply and demand.
The number of male subs looking is far greater than the number of Dominants looking for them. Therefore, they are far quicker to accept the advances of an interested party. There are fewer femsubs looking, and a much greater demand for them, and so they can be picky.
Why should that be any different than in the vanilla world? Why should men and women behave differently in our lifestyle than they do anywhere else? They are still men and women, they just have different mindsets when it comes to behavior within their relationships. You still have to get them INTO that relationship before there is a noticable difference, for the most part.

DV


_____________________________

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VampiresLair

(in reply to LaTigresse)
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RE: Lifestyle double standard? - 6/20/2008 8:17:12 AM   
TwoNYCDommes


Posts: 237
Joined: 1/14/2007
Status: offline 		I don't know if this is the explanation or simply a restatement of the problem, but (in my experience) there seems to be a supply-and-demand imbalance with regard to male subs.  Quite simply, there are more of them available than there are dominants interested in them.
I think this is true in vanilla circles as well as in BDSM communities.  Even before I discovered the public scene, I never had any trouble finding "vanilla" guys willing to do whatever I wanted.  However, I suspect that dominant men probably have more difficulty convincing vanilla women to submit to their kinky desires.

(in reply to KinkeeCpl)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Lifestyle double standard? - 6/20/2008 8:24:09 AM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		another factor that may weigh in could be that that female Sub's are looking for `their` One while male Sub's may not be. 




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RE: Lifestyle double standard? - 6/20/2008 8:24:32 AM   
NeedingMore220


Posts: 615
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline 		I can't quite figure out if you think that submissive women are easier lays than vanilla women?  Open-minded doesn't mean having lower standards.  I'm not sure I'm understanding the point of your post, except the part about there being more submissive men than dominant women, which I believe is the case. 

(in reply to KinkeeCpl)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Lifestyle double standard? - 6/20/2008 8:32:22 AM   
Lynnxz


Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline 		I've heard this argument before.... "You're submissive! You should submit to me without question, and give me all of your info because I say so!" Demands that I fly to other states for random threesomes with aging couples, and greasy wankers demanding dirty pics are a weekly irritation.

And yes... you are whining. Everyone has every right to withhold information from anyone,  I choose to be extraordinarily picky with sexual partners... In fact I haven't had sex in 7 months now, and it's not because I'm not a twue whateveritis, it's because that's the way I chose to live.

Being a dominant does not guarantee you a bucket of sluts. Yes, you will have to work at your relationships just like in the *gasp* vanilla world.

< Message edited by Lynnxz -- 6/20/2008 8:33:04 AM >

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RE: Lifestyle double standard? - 6/20/2008 8:32:31 AM   
charlotteS


Posts: 203
Joined: 3/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

Something we hear the male subs bemoaning constantly.
Supply and demand.
The number of male subs looking is far greater than the number of Dominants looking for them. Therefore, they are far quicker to accept the advances of an interested party. There are fewer femsubs looking, and a much greater demand for them, and so they can be picky.
Why should that be any different than in the vanilla world? Why should men and women behave differently in our lifestyle than they do anywhere else? They are still men and women, they just have different mindsets when it comes to behavior within their relationships. You still have to get them INTO that relationship before there is a noticable difference, for the most part.

DV





That about sums up what I was going to say. 

charlotte


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RE: Lifestyle double standard? - 6/20/2008 8:35:57 AM   
NeedingMore220


Posts: 615
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lynnxz
Being a dominant does not guarantee you a bucket of sluts. Yes, you will have to work at your relationships just like in the *gasp* vanilla world.



bucket of sluts ... lol!

(in reply to Lynnxz)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Lifestyle double standard? - 6/20/2008 8:37:54 AM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		The sub women on here are very picky.
 
They want what they want-and if you cannot deliver-bye bye bothersome.

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I'm not taking custom orders.

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Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Lifestyle double standard? - 6/20/2008 8:40:24 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		I have observed that more female sub/s;afves seek a potential life partner than males sub/slaves do. (However I have only observed first hand and on line a very few of the sub/slave population world wide). I have found from experiejnce which is supported by many Dominants I know and talk to face to face or on line, tht the more specific you are as to your requirements the harder it is for you to fine someone who is suitable for you even if most could relocate to your area.

Example: I am married which reduces the amount of people who want to have a M/s relationship with me. My wife is also dominant which again reducing my chances with females (unless they are bisexual) but increased the field with malke sub/saves. I/we seek slaves in preference to submissives whih again reduces those who may have been considering a relationship with me.us. Our preference and prome requirement is for service oriented slaves (male and female). reduces the prospects again. I require that they live within a reasonable distance from is as we do not at this time have live in facilities. This reduces the dwindling prospects to next to zero... 

When we made our choice of lifestyle and opend it to BDSM we knew our chances of finding suitable collar material would be slim and yes, we could have still enjoyed out Voctorian Lifestlye as being sepoerate and jhust looked for sub/slaves as play partners.

Iron Bear
(Incorrigible, irrepressible and irreverent)
Master of Bruin Cottage
(A Victorian Lifestyle poly home)

The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all your Tears wash out a Word of it.

Omar Khayyam 1048 CE to 1123 CE (Persian Mathematician, Scientist, Astronomer, Philosopher & Poet).





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RE: Lifestyle double standard? - 6/20/2008 8:42:55 AM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline 		because i am a submissive i should not be picky? I should settle for any doof that comes along? I should be more "open minded" than someone with a vanilla lifestyle and risk my safety?




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RE: Lifestyle double standard? - 6/20/2008 8:52:52 AM   
LadyKatija


Posts: 6
Joined: 6/16/2008
Status: offline 		Dont blame the lifestyle, that is way too easy, and you wont learn anything....look at yourselves, what are you offering? in what way are you offering it? how are you communicating? what do you hear back from the femsubs that do talk to you?

One thing that just has to be said, if you have not figured this out yet, is that what you have to offer is a committed relationship, as a female sub i would always know the pecking order, and although that can be fun every now and then, most female subs dont want to compete for thier doms attention, long term.......I say most because there still are plenty that do want exactly that, but as you are finding out, they are harder to find.

As one poster said...they have thier pick, there are a lot of single doms out there...where they can be the center of attention.

(in reply to NeedingMore220)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Lifestyle double standard? - 6/20/2008 8:54:31 AM   
faerytattoodgirl


Posts: 5824
Status: offline 		males think with their...you know whats....and are more attracted to the thought of 3 somes and poly.

plus there are 10000000000000000000000000000000000000 more male subs than anything else.


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I did not reply to your cmail.
I am flawed.
Imperfect.
MUST SPANK!!!
SPAAAAAAAANK!!!

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RE: Lifestyle double standard? - 6/20/2008 9:02:11 AM   
Lynnxz


Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

because i am a submissive i should not be picky? I should settle for any doof that comes along? I should be more "open minded" than someone with a vanilla lifestyle and risk my safety?





Yes, now get in the bucket with me and Faery.


< Message edited by Lynnxz -- 6/20/2008 9:08:08 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Lifestyle double standard? - 6/20/2008 9:02:56 AM   
pinksugarsub


Posts: 1224
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KinkeeCpl

In My/Our experience, the acquiring of male subs is much easier than of female subs.  Wondering if any have an explanation as to why,  even in an alternative lifestyle, this is so. Ideally, if those here and at other lifestyle places are more open-minded than the vanillas, then it stands to reason that the female submissives wouldn't continue to behave the same as females in the vanilla world.  For instance, the obtaining of sex/play,  or even so little as a phone number or email addy SHOULD be easier, but it's not.  Any advice is appreciated. Not trying to be critical of those here, there are exceptions to everything.  Not "whining" either lol.  Frankly have had better luck with vanillas, who can then be trained, than those with experience.


Please bear with me -- my pc is a bit FUBAR and i cannot reach Yr profile.
 
i have some questions.  i honestly want to know; i intend no disrespect to You by aking.
 
i gather from Yr nick & avatar that Yr a couple.
 
Why are You still looking for a submissive?  (Pardon me if i misunderstood the Op; i inferred You were expressing Yr experiences in searching.) 
 
Aren't You done 'searching' now that You've found O/one A/another?

How many submisssives are You looking for?  Two?  Three?  More?  Would they live with You?  Is this just a version of 'poly' i haven't learned about yet?
 
Are You looking for both females and males?  Do You have any preference? Would these submissives be sexually involved with either or both of You?  Is this some version of 'bi-sexual' i have never heard of before?
 
i can give You some general insight into the behavior of females (of all stripes) and males (of all stripes). 
 
As a rule, women are much more safety-concious; they tend to pay attention to their surroundings, avoid crime-ridden areas, remember to carry their cell phones, etc.  This has been my experience, in and out of D/s.
 
Men, on the other hand, seem much less concerned about safety.  They can 'handle Themselves'. They generally believe only a female can be raped. They tend to feel pretty okie-dokie with any environment They happen to find Themselves in, from biker bars to a strange girl's apartment.
 
i would imagine this generalisation partially explains Yr experience in pursung females vs. males.  There may also be additional concerns by females because there are two of You -- thus twice the potential for harm.
 
Thank You in advance for allowing me to ask You questions.
 
i love these boards; i learn from them all the time.
 
Best wishes.
 
pinksugarsub

< Message edited by pinksugarsub -- 6/20/2008 9:06:20 AM >

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RE: Lifestyle double standard? - 6/20/2008 9:08:55 AM   
agoodgirl4Daddy


Posts: 336
Joined: 10/25/2007
Status: offline 		I don't think I can add anything new here.  What I would express to the OP has already been stated and re-stated.
 
However, I do believe that perhaps it won't hurt for the OP to hear it again, after all repetition helps drive it home.
 
As a single (for 20 months now) female Daddy's girl (who is also a masochist), I am EXTREMELY choosy about who I communicate with, and even more choosy about who I opt to meet in person.  Being in the "BDSM lifestyle", there are farrrr more elements to consider when choosing a partner or partners than in the "vanilla life". 
 
I am a Daddy's girl who is not interested in sharing my Daddy with anyone else, and I have many, many other preferences that I am not willing to compromise.  Most of the D-types that contact me do NOT meet most of the requirements, and I've met a few that seemed to meet most and ended up being major disappointments.  I haven't given up on meeting my Daddy, but I do know that what I'm seeking isn't easily found. 
 
Why should I compromise and SETTLE for a relationship that is, from the start, less than fulfilling? 
 
 

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RE: Lifestyle double standard? - 6/20/2008 9:12:12 AM   
faerytattoodgirl


Posts: 5824
Status: offline
quote:


Yes, now get in the bucket with me and Faery.


dont forget matlock. 


_____________________________

I did not reply to your cmail.
I am flawed.
Imperfect.
MUST SPANK!!!
SPAAAAAAAANK!!!

(in reply to Lynnxz)
Profile   Post #: 20
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