RE: Emotional S&M?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Emotional S&M?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Emotional S&M?

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 4 5 next > >>

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Emotional S&M? - 6/20/2008 3:49:21 PM

BossyShoeBitch

Posts: 3931
Joined: 1/13/2007
From: South Florida
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: charlotteS

Softness, I definitely was NOT thinking of you when I said that. I know your idea of a sadist is someone who ties you down with scarves and makes you drink tea and pet bunny rabbits all day.

Actually that probably WOULD be the worst thing someone could do to you because you wouldn't be being hurt enough. Oh the tortured and confused life of masochists!

And don't worry about repeating that quote over and over. I love it.

charlotte

*edited for grammer because somehow when softness is around I find myself watching grammer even more and can't just leave a "your" as "you're."

now that you have your homonyms down, maybe it's time for a little spelling?

_____________________________

A clever man can get out of situations a wise man never gets into...
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

(in reply to charlotteS)

Profile

Post #: 21

RE: Emotional S&M? - 6/20/2008 3:52:05 PM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

You'd never have known that I taught English.

slave, expect to be beaten for poor spelling.

Stephan

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to BossyShoeBitch)

Profile

Post #: 22

RE: Emotional S&M? - 6/20/2008 3:56:05 PM

charlotteS

Posts: 203
Joined: 3/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BossyShoeBitch

now that you have your homonyms down, maybe it's time for a little spelling?

I blame my dad. He's dyslexic. I swear that explains it.

*edited to add....Does this count as a mind fuck? Because I'm feeling all embarrassed and loving it!

< Message edited by charlotteS -- 6/20/2008 4:00:36 PM >

_____________________________

"When you are your freest self, who are you?" Jack Rinella

(in reply to BossyShoeBitch)

Profile

Post #: 23

RE: Emotional S&M? - 6/20/2008 4:00:13 PM

softness

Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Stephann

slave, expect to be beaten for poor spelling.

Stephan

I didn't think you were into rewarding bad behaviour .... what would really work is an intensive residential course with a qualified English teacher .. one that specialises in pupils with "special needs"

I have the number of one if you would like it *helpful smile*

< Message edited by softness -- 6/20/2008 4:04:38 PM >

_____________________________

proudly wearing the blue collar of consideration to DK Leather, Leatherdykeuk, and LeatherEagle of the UK KRueL Leather Family

veritas, respectus honorque in corio

(in reply to Stephann)

Profile

Post #: 24

RE: Emotional S&M? - 6/20/2008 4:16:37 PM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aestus

The broken heart thing was just an example. I'm not able to explain the whole concept that much, and I can't think of that many other examples. Oh, and thanks to you both, sounds encouraging so far

I am an emotional masochist. I was the same during all of my vanilla relationships. Indeed those were the relationships (rather than fantasy or porn) which allowed me to understand how I could utilise my emotional masochism rather than be a victime of it.
I think the term broken heart is a credible metaphore for an emotional masochist to understand. To feel so 'broken' by the actions/words/intentions/ of another as to feel it deep in the centre of the body so that breathing the next breath feels almost inpossible and wishing one were dead rather than alive to have to cope with the emotional trauma. Yes I've been there.
to those who are NOT emotional masochists it seems as strange to want this trauma as much as it does to a vanilla person who cannot understand the need for physical pain.
There are many, many forms of emotional s/m. Might I suggest a few more terms rather than broken heartedness?
The 'punishment' might also include:
abandonment
jealousy
withdrawal
loneliness
longing
waiting
separation
humiliation
disclosure
fear of failure
triggering
denial
waiting
exclusion
and many other forms of bringing-to-tears.
Emotional masochism is like a roller coaster ride. The part of the ride I love the most: that deep sadness, that point of almost walking away, (equivalent to a stop signal or safe word) but the going through with the stages of the emotional trauma that inevitable follows.....THE EXCHANGE.
He says thank you baby, he says I have never told anyone that before, he says there's no one like you because you can take it, he says I don't play games and I say neither do i as he accepts my tear stained face, he says get out and call me when you want more of that, he says you really are the lowest of the low and will never find anyone who's as low as I am, he says I don't do love. But then of course an emotional masochist knows that ALL emotional pain is the only way she can really feel anything at all.
Prin.

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to Aestus)

Profile

Post #: 25

RE: Emotional S&M? - 6/20/2008 6:03:03 PM

agoodgirl4Daddy

Posts: 336
Joined: 10/25/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Stephann

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

As you state, any clod can break a heart, most guys could make a woman tremble in fear, that IS the easy part. The hard part is bringing it full circle and bringing her BACK from that stronger, happier, more secure than when you started. The biggest hurdle is grasping that concept. The difference between A slut and MY slut. The difference between cuckolding someone you have no respect for and cuckolding someone who at the end of the day is the only one you truly desire to wake up to. To molesting the "inner child" of a mature woman and having her wake up next to the Knight In Shining Armour who would slay anyone who attempted to harm her.

It is the duality of the process that tricks people up. Breaking someone is simple and fairly universal, knowing how to bring them back safely requires an intimate understanding of their psyche and a fair bit of hard won (read: mistakes) experience and skill. For me, I won't do it unless I know my partner has the ability to work with me and communicate with me if I fuckup and we have to work together to find a way out of the abyss I pushed her into.

Michael,

Simply a fantastic post. In fact, a lot of your posts have been really impressive lately. Thank you, and I look forward to meeting you & BSB next weekend!

Stephan

I completely agree with what Stephan says about your post, Michael. Very well said.

Anyone can destroy a person's heart ... but only a very skilled & compassionate person can go to those depths and bring the person back, knowing and feeling that it was a positive experience that affirmed her or his inherent worth and filled her soul with goodness.

I'm not a big fan of this being done between people who aren't emotionally-connected in a positive way already. Emotional pain is not something that heals easily for many of us out there.

If the one inflicting the emotional pain (i.e., humiliation, degradation, etc) is not willing to provide the appropriate aftercare, he or she is doing a major disservice to the inflictee and is the type of DSM-IV Sadist that gives BDSM a bad name (IMO).

_____________________________

~We do not see things as they are - we see them as we are.~ Anais Nin

(in reply to Stephann)

Profile

Post #: 26

RE: Emotional S&M? - 6/20/2008 7:09:32 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

When I do a typical bdsm/sex/play scene I rarely have any idea of what I am going to do, I just let it flow and sometimes it is amazing and other times merely hot.

When I do this sort of stuff and I combine humiliation in with this, I DO have a "map" for how to bring her back, how after undermining some aspect or pillar that supports her image of herself. For example, one of the many women I have been with had a thing about the size of her clit and so I might have done a scene with the slow build crafted around "your pathetic little clit, so small I should just cut it out and be done with it" for example. Throw in a little knife play, some reminiscing about what some of the hotter women in my life had for clits and how much more fun it was to make them cum because it was so easy. Perhaps a little "you are just too much work to bother with" in there somewhere.

So, for her, I hung her over the cliff of "gee this is hot" and dropped her into that pit. Then I hung her over another darker cliff of "gee, does he really mean this? I think he is letting slip his real feelings" and for her, that was a cliff I only dangled her over, someone else I might just let go but for her, that was as far as I could take her and bring her back.

From there, I would slowly start adding things in that made her hot without quite changing the mood, so she became aroused without quite realizing it was happening so she was still in that dark place. I wanted her dark but aroused for me to bring her back, then I would start talking TO her (the switch from you are just a slut to being MY slut) rather than about her.

Then when she was hanging on the edge of orgasm I would play with her there, keep her there while I switched from MY slut to MY GLORIOUS PET and how the sounds she made turned me on, and how I loved being the one to find her tiny treasure and other sweet cheesy things but that was what worked for her.

I didn't go there on day one, it is like exploring, you have to know how their mind works, what pillars you can play with and which ones are third rails and can't be touched. You have to understand the duality of how these things work for her and that isn't something you can do instantly unless you are playing with some rather standard archetypes like beauty and such.

(in reply to agoodgirl4Daddy)

Profile

Post #: 27

RE: Emotional S&M? - 6/20/2008 7:15:47 PM

HornyToadsMI

Posts: 287
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline

I agree with tread lightly. You have to know your "victim" well before administering the emotional. Mind Fuck can be a very intense thing. You can bind and blindfold a person, and use her mind against her - make her think you are letting all your friends have their way with her, pretend knife play (use an item that wont cut) fake "branding".

Good luck.....

_____________________________

i have the best job in the world - my Boss whips me!!!

Go with your gut - yes, I am being a Smart Ass!

(in reply to softness)

Profile

Post #: 28

RE: Emotional S&M? - 6/20/2008 7:19:05 PM

NeedingMore220

Posts: 615
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PrinsexxBut then of course an emotional masochist knows that ALL emotional pain is the only way she can really feel anything at all.
Prin.

Hey, Prin. I wonder if you could expand on the above sentence. I'm trying to wrap my mind around why someone would be into emotional S&M, and it seems like this might be a key to my understanding it. Is it because positive emotions have been closed off, therefore only negative ones make the person feel alive and connected? I'm at the opposite of that spectrum, I think, and thrive on positive emotions - negative ones make me want to turn hide and run. I know there's no one 'real' explanation for this, and I'm interested in hearing all points of view.

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Profile

Post #: 29

RE: Emotional S&M? - 6/20/2008 7:23:26 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

NeedingMore,

What Princess is speaking about is dysfunctional behavior that requires long term therapy, not bdsm play. That route does not lead to happiness, it leads to misery or at least it sure doesn't lead OUT of misery.

What I and other's are describing involves play between mature and mentally healthy adults who love and care for one another AND want to explore emotional pain.

A world of difference between the two.

(in reply to NeedingMore220)

Profile

Post #: 30

RE: Emotional S&M? - 6/20/2008 7:41:12 PM

NeedingMore220

Posts: 615
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

NeedingMore,

What Princess is speaking about is dysfunctional behavior that requires long term therapy, not bdsm play. That route does not lead to happiness, it leads to misery or at least it sure doesn't lead OUT of misery.

What I and other's are describing involves play between mature and mentally healthy adults who love and care for one another AND want to explore emotional pain.

A world of difference between the two.

Thanks, Michael. Then may I ask ... what do you get from exploring emotional pain, and what does she get from it? I'm trying to understand the draw. I think I can understand it from the D's POV - it's a very powerful position to be able to handle someone with that much care and be able to bring them back and have them be positively affected by the experience. I guess what I'm missing is ..why would that be a positive experience? Is it as freeing as, possibly, I enjoy impact play to be?

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Profile

Post #: 31

RE: Emotional S&M? - 6/20/2008 8:12:34 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Done badly it can destroy a relationship and or deeply damage someone. I speak from personal experience on that score.

What CAN a bottom get from it if it goes well? Lets say you have a woman who feels dirty and "bad" for some sick fantasy, too shameful to mention to anyone. Somehow her partner finds out and "takes" her there in some way, laughs at her for being such a bad sick fuck.

If he leaves her there and doesn't have the luck/skill/timing to bring her back, he just made her feelings about herself worse.

Now imagine if every time that same woman mentions some sick fantasy, her partner not only accepts that but GOES there with her, sometimes beside her and sometimes as the person telling her what a sick twisted disgusting freak for wanting something...

BUT

in whatever way works for her, he sort of throws the emotional curtain aside and says the equivalent of "I am here with you and gee isn't this hot/fun/okay to do and boy am I lucky to have such a sick twisted DELICIOUS woman to be with"....chances are she is going to feel safer with him than anyone she has ever been with. Make a submissive feel emotionally safe with you and you just got an E ticket ride (and yes, I am old enough to remember what those were) and for the rest of you that would translate as "oh shit, hold on"...

We spend a lifetime hiding who we are on one level or another and then suddenly we find BDSM and we are home but there is still plenty of dysfunction and judgemental crap to keep us in our shell. To find a partner who LOVES us because we are sick and twisted and who VALUES that part of us is liberating in the extreme.

< Message edited by SimplyMichael -- 6/20/2008 8:47:24 PM >

(in reply to NeedingMore220)

Profile

Post #: 32

RE: Emotional S&M? - 6/20/2008 8:24:41 PM

NeedingMore220

Posts: 615
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline

That was a very illuminating explanation, Michael ... and semi-hot. lol I find sometimes there are concepts that I just can't wrap my mind around, but this has helped. I'll be thinking about this for awhile.

Thanks!

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Profile

Post #: 33

RE: Emotional S&M? - 6/20/2008 10:02:14 PM

devoutHeretic

Posts: 59
Joined: 3/26/2007
Status: offline

I do want to point out that this wasn't the first, or even the 20th time, me and her played like this. Verbal humiliation was this girls mental clit, as it were. So we weren't in uncharted waters, not by a long shot.

It was, however, the first time I called her "pig".
And that was the trigger.
Scene, clearly, over...and with a bullet.
Over the next few hours, I talked, hugged and wiped away tears.
I listened as she described some of the horrible things her father did to her.
I did know she had a abusive background, and I knew her father was responsible.
What I didn't know was that her father had a "pet" name for her.
Care to guess what it was?

(in reply to TheGaggingWh0re)

Profile

Post #: 34

RE: Emotional S&M? - 6/20/2008 10:06:32 PM

Griswold

Posts: 2739
Joined: 2/12/2007
Status: offline

I actually don't all that much care what you responded to, or for that matter, what your side of the discussion was....with a screen name like "TheGaggingWhore"....I'm fairly certain I'm in love with you.

(in reply to TheGaggingWh0re)

Profile

Post #: 35

RE: Emotional S&M? - 6/20/2008 10:08:46 PM

Griswold

Posts: 2739
Joined: 2/12/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: devoutHeretic

I do want to point out that this wasn't the first, or even the 20th time, me and her played like this. Verbal humiliation was this girls mental clit, as it were. So we weren't in uncharted waters, not by a long shot.

It was, however, the first time I called her "pig".
And that was the trigger.
Scene, clearly, over...and with a bullet.
Over the next few hours, I talked, hugged and wiped away tears.
I listened as she described some of the horrible things her father did to her.
I did know she had a abusive background, and I knew her father was responsible.
What I didn't know was that her father had a "pet" name for her.
Care to guess what it was?

Hmmmmmm......

Lemme think here.....

Boar.....no.....wait......bacon.....wait, hold on.....p.....no....wait, just a second.....uhhhhmmmmmm......

Pig?

(It's just a guess).

(in reply to devoutHeretic)

Profile

Post #: 36

RE: Emotional S&M? - 6/20/2008 10:15:39 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: devoutHeretic

I do want to point out that this wasn't the first, or even the 20th time, me and her played like this. Verbal humiliation was this girls mental clit, as it were. So we weren't in uncharted waters, not by a long shot.

It was, however, the first time I called her "pig".
And that was the trigger.
Scene, clearly, over...and with a bullet.
Over the next few hours, I talked, hugged and wiped away tears.
I listened as she described some of the horrible things her father did to her.
I did know she had a abusive background, and I knew her father was responsible.
What I didn't know was that her father had a "pet" name for her.
Care to guess what it was?

Emotional landmines is the term for this...if you haven't stepped in one, ya aint trying....sounds like you handled it beautifully!

(in reply to devoutHeretic)

Profile

Post #: 37

RE: Emotional S&M? - 6/20/2008 10:21:01 PM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

quote:

He says thank you baby, he says I have never told anyone that before, he says there's no one like you because you can take it, he says I don't play games and I say neither do i as he accepts my tear stained face, he says get out and call me when you want more of that, he says you really are the lowest of the low and will never find anyone who's as low as I am, he says I don't do love. But then of course an emotional masochist knows that ALL emotional pain is the only way she can really feel anything at all.
Prin.

I think the above statement is HOT!

yet,

Why are posters now assuming that this kind of relationship is considered for someone who is in need of therapy?

If that is a relationship I want, for example (and I would)why is my need and eventual enjoyment of such a situation a mental health issue and whips and chains isn't?

If one chooses not to be loved, they choose so. If the situation arises where they are merely used and left heartbroken, where do some get off on subjecting 'bad' as a label to a situation like this?

Aftercare? lol. I am not 5, I haven't skinned my knee in approx. 38 years and I certainly do not need some 'hugs and cuddling' after someone were to emotionally abuse me. I perhaps may be happy with a 'see you next time'.

To some (who can handle emotional pain such as this) a whip seems dull and ridiculous. Who is anyone here to judge these feelings (or lack of, as kink).

What next? "oh baby, I want to whip you all night,...but I hope I don't hurt your feelings???" lol

< Message edited by came4U -- 6/20/2008 10:23:39 PM >

(in reply to Griswold)

Profile

Post #: 38

RE: Emotional S&M? - 6/20/2008 10:26:24 PM

devoutHeretic

Posts: 59
Joined: 3/26/2007
Status: offline

Yea, i don't know how well i handled it.
I talked her out of a panic attack, but it pretty much ended the relationship.
It certainly would have been nice to know I should perhaps avoid zoological appellations.
Not that I'm blaming her.
But the whole episode has dampened my desire for play of that nature.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Profile

Post #: 39

RE: Emotional S&M? - 6/20/2008 10:37:29 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U

quote:

He says thank you baby, he says I have never told anyone that before, he says there's no one like you because you can take it, he says I don't play games and I say neither do i as he accepts my tear stained face, he says get out and call me when you want more of that, he says you really are the lowest of the low and will never find anyone who's as low as I am, he says I don't do love. But then of course an emotional masochist knows that ALL emotional pain is the only way she can really feel anything at all.
Prin.

I think the above statement is HOT!

yet,

Why are posters now assuming that this kind of relationship is considered for someone who is in need of therapy?

If that is a relationship I want, for example (and I would)why is my need and eventual enjoyment of such a situation a mental health issue and whips and chains isn't?

If one chooses not to be loved, they choose so. If the situation arises where they are merely used and left heartbroken, where do some get off on subjecting 'bad' as a label to a situation like this?

Aftercare? lol. I am not 5, I haven't skinned my knee in approx. 38 years and I certainly do not need some 'hugs and cuddling' after someone were to emotionally abuse me. I perhaps may be happy with a 'see you next time'.

To some (who can handle emotional pain such as this) a whip seems dull and ridiculous. Who is anyone here to judge these feelings (or lack of, as kink).

What next? "oh baby, I want to whip you all night,...but I hope I don't hurt your feelings???" lol

For the very same reason that people who cut themselves need therapy. Just because you want it doesn't mean it is good for you.

(in reply to came4U)

Profile

Post #: 40

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 4 5 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Emotional S&M?

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 4 5 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Spam Policy

0.107