Owner4SexSlave
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Joined: 4/4/2007
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Mental S&M and Dysfunctional Behavior.
This topic is not one I often engage in on the message boards.
First and foremost to the OP, you can do mental/emotional S&M without breaking anothers heart completely. Remember it's about the experience of mental or emotional pain. As everybody has said, you can break a person mentally.
I'm debating about what to share or not to share on a personal level. If I can even write about this topic and personally remove myself.
First and foremost, I tend to view mental S&M as being pretty common in society. This is regardless if people are in "the lifestyle" or not. Guilt trips, mind fucks, verbal humilation and such. Be it for control, enjoyment of pain, endless list of personal reasons.
There is something to be said for cliches centered around the concept of Good Girls ending up with complete assholes, and Great guys ending up with complete bitches. Every cliche or a good joke is centered around some element of truth.
People in a relationships can treat one another like shit to unbelievable levels, in ways that any stranger would get handed their ass for trying in 2.5 seconds flat.
The word dysfunctional comes to mind, however many people in these so called dysfunctional relationships tend to stay together, unless some breaking point limit occurs. Some people stay in so called dysfunctional relationships for years. A dysfunctional relationship does not automatically imply that there is a total lack of love, caring or understanding either. dysfunctional is a word that is somewhat subjective, as is the word abuse.
According to some people's POV, all of us BDSMers are dysfunctional.
I think one clear advantage about this "lifestyle" is that we can simply agree that we enjoy, want, need and/or desire specific and certain things in our life. Freedom of choice regarding how we live. Use BDSMers, simply are more attuned with ourselves and our partners. We are in more in control and aware of our so called dysfunctional dark sides. Some of us have Mastered many aspects of the darksides. In many ways, we are more sane and ethical because we openly admit to needs,wants, and desires. Find partners with similar needs, wants and desires. We are not out looking for innocent unware people with little next to no darksides to get involved with.
Pain from a flogger is fucking real, it's not some nice warm and fuzzy erotic story. It's real pain! Mental S&M involves real pain as well. Like anything else.. there are many different levels of pain.
Now, since I'm sadomaso. Mentally I can totally connect and relate to both the sadistic and masochistic sides of the camp.
I can totally relate to Prinsexx in her post, in fact 100% totally understand it. I made a post not long ago about Maso Reset Buttons. This was centered on physical pain. However, I have enjoyed Mental pain in the past. I have had partners with similar needs as Prinsexx. Dysfunctional? Yes, in a degree. Then again, who is truely 100% functional anyways. I have yet to met a single person free of some form of dysfunctional behavior.
I almost feel like I'm in an Advocate mode for dysfunctionalism this morning. The thing is this, it's about being tunned into and understanding one's own sense of self and your own dysfunctional behaviors. In many regards BDSM is and can be very therapeutic process. In fact, many people turn towards "this lifestyle" because we are too damn dysfunctional for so called "Vanillas" to cope or deal with. In fact many of us have decided to embrace who and what we are, verses trying to spend endless hours of Therapy and treatment that basically does not really change who we are.
BDSM is something that is so deeply woven in our own persona's. We simply have learned how to adapt and manage our dysfunctionalism and try to keep it under control. Minimize true harm to ourselves and other people. For the most part, we have some form of ethics, human compassion, and abide to the law of society. We have all simply banded together to become a sub-culture in society. With an indentity, a voice, we are a slice of society.
Face it, not too many fathers would feel comfortable letting their daughter go out on a date with some guy that will bend her over, fuck her up the ass, piss in her ass, called her a dirty fucking whore, pull her hair, and spank her ass until it's welted blue. Even worse, is the fact his daughter enjoys it. If this was all brought out into the open! The dysfunctional RED FLAG would be thrown. Her ass would be grass, chances are Daddy would be forking out the money to get his little girl proper Mental Health treatment.
Anyways, so many of us, BDSM is not a matter of want, or an extra add on in life. It's more of a Need, because we are who we are. I failed to trying to become vanilla!! I mean I managed to learn a lot of things about myself. I also figured out how to be more adpative to a degree. I also figured and learned a lot from my Twisted Kinky Vanilla relationships. I grew as a person. I had to deal with a lot of internal battles and mental struggles. I'm certain anybody who's attempted to swear off BDSM and change has gone through this living Hell. It's not completely bad, but it's not being completely true to yourself.
Also you end up in a relationship with somebody who feels at a lost as to how to completely satifisy you. Then they gain the higher understanding of what it takes, and they know they can not go there. Now that's simply heartbreaking. I was with somebody for 7 1/2 years, over time she started to understand more and more about me. Things that made me tick, my desires, needs, wants and kinks. The more she came to know me, the more she realized she could never be the ONE to truely please me. It made her very sad, and it made me very sad as well. I can not begin to express the Love and yet pain involved at these revelations and openess towards the end.
However, yes I did engage in Mental S&M with her as well. At times I had a clear method to my madness. A few of the areas PrinSexx posted in her list, in fact were the same of my partner for 7 1/2 years. I tend to pick up and get attuned with another persons desires and needs for emotional pain. Why because I'm both sadomaso. I myself understand the driving forces behind Mental/Emotional pain.
I also understand how the experience of mental pain, helps a person to become stronger. However, you have to actually get to know the person first. I refrained from causing her any mental pain for the sake of it. But, I did take pleasure or allow myself to take pleasure when I inflicted pain for a specific reason. With the intention to help her become stronger. Before me, she had experienced nothing but true abusive relationships. Where as Mental pain was inflicted to damage or lower her sense of self esteem.
In many regards I would not pull any punches with her, I would inflict mental pain at things she was having a difficult time dealing or coping with. Sure, she would be reduced to tears and on the edge of loosing it. However, I was not going to spare her of the pain. I knew she could handle it because she was used to Mental Pain Bad, compared to Mental Pain Good. Paradox of words I know.
SimplyMicheal has been making some posts lately that well, hit on the truth of a few things. Think he nailed it right here!!
quote:
It is the duality of the process that tricks people up. Breaking someone is simple and fairly universal, knowing how to bring them back safely requires an intimate understanding of their psyche and a fair bit of hard won (read: mistakes) experience and skill. For me, I won't do it unless I know my partner has the ability to work with me and communicate with me if I fuckup and we have to work together to find a way out of the abyss I pushed her into.
I'm well aware of the impact mental pain can have on somebody. With it you can totally Distroy a person's sense of Positive self worth and value in 2.5 seconds flat. You can also equally Distroy there negative sense of self worth and value.
I tend to shoot for ripping into anothers negative sense of self worth and value first with mental S&M. I tend to make them want to face and deal with shit they would otherwise advoid. I tend to not rush into doing this either. I want to know that I'm going to be hitting the MARK or the right Spot inside their soul, mind or spirit.
I'm totally keeping the play aspects of mental S&M out of the picture right now. In many regards even the play aspects are actually not so much play. For mental pain to occur it has to be real and legit pain.
I have made girls break down and cry, actually screaming at me things such as "why are you being so mean to me", only to have them come back and thank me very deeply for the experience, and share with me warm and fuzzy things. I honestly, do think I'm out to lunch in my posting here. If I am well, gee... some of my past partners in previous relationships are equally out to lunch. Got to love how Tripped up and Dysfunctional some of us human beings really are at times.
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RE: Emotional S&M? - 
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