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A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms - 6/20/2008 11:52:26 PM

pinksugarsub

Posts: 1224
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i used to frequent a chat room on another site, and i made good F/friends there. Some i've met in real life -- O/others i have plans to meet.

A Man became a regular in the Room and caught my eye. He was witty and bright and kind, and i was a bit charmed. Eventually He emailed me and W/we quickly went to daily phone calls and several IMs a day.

He asked me if He could come see me for the weekend, and i said no, please can W/we wait a few weeks till i feel better. He mentioned meeting me often...i felt confident that He really did plan to come see me.

Well, so i allowed myself to 'invest' in Him emotionally. He's a criminal lawyer, and i found myself hoping He'd get an acquittal when He had a trial. If He said He wasn't feeling well, i found myself worrying about Him.

You get the general idea.

So, as time goes by, i become frustrated over s'thing He does repeatedly. He never listens to me, ever. All O/our convos are me serving as an audience for Him -- there's no reciprocity.

So i tell Him -- on the phone, in IM, and finally by email, that i have a concern i'd like to address with Him when He has time to listen.

In the email, i tell Him my concern is the lack of reciprocity. It didn't seem like a big deal to me -- i figured He was just a chatty Person and hadn't noticed He wasn't giving me any 'air time'.

Well, wrong-o.

He obviously read the email, because He stopped contacting me in any way immediately after i sent it. It's been several days now -- i know i'll never hear from Him again.

In a way i'm relieved -- He has shown His 'true colors' and didn't waste any more of my time. Now i know He's not really a Dom -- a Dom does not run and hide when a submissive says 'i have an unmet want/need, Sir'.

*Sighs* When will i learn?

Never make an emotional investment -- no matter how modest -- in a Man you've never met in real life.

pinksugarsub

< Message edited by pinksugarsub -- 6/20/2008 11:54:21 PM >

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RE: A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms - 6/20/2008 11:58:35 PM

Skully7000

Posts: 377
Joined: 7/22/2007
Status: offline

Well, wrong-o.

He obviously read the email, because He stopped contacting me in any way immediately after i sent it. It's been several days now -- i know i'll never hear from Him again.

not to plant false hope:
if I've thought things were going splendidly (especially if they were going good enough tobe talking every day several times a day) and all of a sudden I got that.. i would be taken back quite a bit... and probably take a step back to re-examine... thinking about how true your "criticism" was...thinking about how thoughtless I was being...if it was true.. wondering if there was any way of working around it...

and probably write you a nice response... perhaps even adding a day or so to re-edit it.

***********************************************************
or the guys and WANKER and your lucky you got out now with minimal scaring and a lesson learned..

either way good luck.
Skully

(in reply to pinksugarsub)

Post #: 2

RE: A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms - 6/21/2008 12:05:21 AM

shivermetimbers

Posts: 2060
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quote:

ORIGINAL: pinksugarsub

Never make an emotional investment -- no matter how modest -- in a Man you've never met in real life.

pinksugarsub

As opposed to what? Some guy that smiled at you in an elevator?

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(in reply to pinksugarsub)

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RE: A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms - 6/21/2008 12:15:30 AM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
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I don't know that I'd call it "the perils of dating doms", but the perils of internet chatrooms, or the perils of not keeping to your own rules that protect you... but I don't see what is specific to "dating doms".

Cali

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RE: A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms - 6/21/2008 12:19:50 AM

adrian28

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Joined: 3/8/2008
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What annoys me most about these threads is that they are neccesary. Too many predators, I guess.

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Post #: 5

RE: A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms - 6/21/2008 12:22:53 AM

azropedntied

Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
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Ditto : when your dating someone you have met them at the very least .thats is a new one dating through IM , cyber .at least you wont get pregnant or is that where the Iphones come from , shrugs ..

quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

I don't know that I'd call it "the perils of dating doms", but the perils of internet chatrooms, or the perils of not keeping to your own rules that protect you... but I don't see what is specific to "dating doms".

Cali

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 6

RE: A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms - 6/21/2008 12:33:44 AM

DarkVictory

Posts: 247
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predators? oy.

(in reply to azropedntied)

Post #: 7

RE: A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms - 6/21/2008 12:39:16 AM

everhope

Posts: 2179
Joined: 8/19/2007
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investing emotionally in an online encounter is not wise, but i do it. doing it now. i am pretty confident absolutely no one can bankrupt me emotionally. anyway, it's all in how you pick up the pieces and move on. never thought of this before, but maybe i am an emotional nomad searching for the place to park my emotions. transparent a little at a time yes...but there comes a point when you either decide to give it over or not. intuition ..a strong sense of self ...a knowing i will be ok, no matter what....all helpful.
ramblings of one who wishes to find her bliss and is willing to be emotionally uncomfortable to find it.

< Message edited by everhope -- 6/21/2008 12:47:27 AM >

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may we all find our bliss

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The goal isn't to live forever.
The goal is to create something that will.

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RE: A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms - 6/21/2008 12:44:46 AM

adrian28

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Joined: 3/8/2008
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Oh yes, the predators are out there, watching for any sign of weakness.

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Dragon of Lust- Adrian
True to my own sense of integrity - Adrian Hayes

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RE: A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms - 6/21/2008 12:48:31 AM

everhope

Posts: 2179
Joined: 8/19/2007
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boo

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may we all find our bliss

Resident VWB

We all die.
The goal isn't to live forever.
The goal is to create something that will.

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Post #: 10

RE: A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms - 6/21/2008 1:30:31 AM

NorthernGent

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Joined: 7/10/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: pinksugarsub

Never make an emotional investment -- no matter how modest -- in a Man you've never met in real life.

pinksugarsub

True....and don't be reeled in by superficial charm...actions speak louder than words.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to pinksugarsub)

Post #: 11

RE: A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms - 6/21/2008 2:57:54 AM

DomAviator

Posts: 1253
Joined: 4/22/2008
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Holy crap! Imagine that a guy who doesnt call! Thats unheard of....NOT! Just FYI, there are three things that come out of a mans mouth that should be considered a lie unless proven otherwise...

1) Ill call you.
2) I wont cum in your mouth.
3) Im not interested in any other women!

It has nothing to do with whether hes a dom or not or whether hes online or not. I dispute the validity of you assertion "Now i know He's not really a Dom -- a Dom does not run and hide when a submissive says 'i have an unmet want/need, Sir'." He may very well be a dom, and hes neither running nor hiding he is just "blowing you off" as men will do when you have either pissed them off or they have lost interest or decided that "colatteral drama" exceeds the value of the pussy offered.

Sorry but as Im sure any guy with the balls to admit it will tell you, thats the way it is. We have been doing it from middle school onwards... Men unexplicably blowing women off is what keeps Haagen Daz in business... LOL

(in reply to NorthernGent)

Post #: 12

RE: A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms - 6/21/2008 5:06:13 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
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I don't see it as perils of dating doms for a few reasons. Chatting and im'ing someone is not "dating". Dating is when you meet in real time. The behavior he exhibited is the sort of behavior anyone can exhibit, it's not because he's a dom. As far as getting emotionally invested on-line, I understand it can happen, but how useful is it to become invested in someone whom you may never meet? It's nice to have feelings of attraction and excitement, but remember that it doesn't really mean much until you actually meet in real time and experience it for real. As far as him being a predator? Please, he's not a predator; he's a poor communicator.

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Post #: 13

RE: A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms - 6/21/2008 6:45:31 AM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
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From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
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quote:

ORIGINAL: adrian28
What annoys me most about these threads is that they are neccesary. Too many predators, I guess.

Predator? - - Would you be kind enough to explain where the victim is? I might have missed something but, I think this “dating” post is about a cyber, no contact event. And… it is not about something someone “did”, it is about something someone “didn’t” do. I’m having trouble seeing a victim in that.

Necessary? - - I found Pinky more appealing when she was fascinated with her own font and having emotional issues about slashy speak.

When I saw the title of this thread “A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms” I was concerned she had actually thrust herself upon someone in the real world. Thank God this is just another one of those cyber crisis’s.

The last thing we need is someone posting yet another whining thread under false guises warning about cyber dating. I used mod a hackers forum and when ever someone got caught cheating, they almost always blamed something other than their own dumb ass. The same is true on these forums. Many of these type of threads are just someone posting a thread trying to illicit sympathy and support for their own lack of accountability.

Necessary? - - I think not.

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I give good thread.

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RE: A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms - 6/21/2008 6:55:52 AM

sirsholly

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i am not sure what the problem is. You started to chat, found out you were not right for each other, and it ended. It happens all the time.

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RE: A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms - 6/21/2008 7:11:54 AM

Bethnai

Posts: 492
Joined: 11/8/2007
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I wouldn't call it a date either. I wouldn't go so far as to say he isn't a Dom. A mis-match perhaps. I am not negating your red-flag.

I think chatting on line offers some valuable insights that one can get from another. We'll pretend that the person is real and male and all of that. Never the full picture, but had you met in person it might have taken twice as long.

So, maybe you need to just pat yourself on the back. I wouldn't say that you failed by investing a little emotionally. If you risk nothing, you get nothing. Maybe your at a point at your life where you can say to yourself that you recognize that some things may be fine for you now in a person but not so much later on down the road. Good for you. Some people would prefer to repeat the same mistake over and over again. Not you, you were able to withdraw before hand. If I was deeply into cosmic crap, I would say maybe it was a test. Maybe its key to wonder if a good portion of your personality and your life is visible (sp?). I dated a man that talked all the time. Initially, I thought it was great because I didn't have to try to find crap to talk about-then he wouldn't shut up. Ever. The curb.

I would never say this was your thing or problem but for me, I used to never discuss family matters, work or the hundred and one "impolite" things one does not discuss. What I learned over time is that people do not like empty spaces and they will fill it for you. I graduated last year and got so drunk that I got a ride home from a friend of mine and he had been drinking so it was decided that he would sleep on the couch. In my living room are pictures of my family but because they live in other states nobody sees or knows the relationships. He was shocked that I had a family. Apparantly, I was hatched. With some people it isn't on the radar until you interject with something or anything. Is there anything that you could have done differently, forget "polite" but not"rude" that said "HEY-I AM"? You were fearless emotionally. Were you fearless with portraying yourself?

< Message edited by Bethnai -- 6/21/2008 7:15:04 AM >

(in reply to pinksugarsub)

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RE: A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms - 6/21/2008 7:26:11 AM

NorthernGent

Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: pinksugarsub

He never listens to me, ever. All O/our convos are me serving as an audience for Him -- there's no reciprocity.

So i tell Him -- on the phone, in IM, and finally by email, that i have a concern i'd like to address with Him when He has time to listen.

In the email, i tell Him my concern is the lack of reciprocity. It didn't seem like a big deal to me -- i figured He was just a chatty Person and hadn't noticed He wasn't giving me any 'air time'.

Well, wrong-o.

He obviously read the email, because He stopped contacting me in any way immediately after i sent it. It's been several days now -- i know i'll never hear from Him again.

You want to be understood. Now, as it's fairly standard practice for human beings to communicate and understand one another's position, perhaps he's aware of the 'frustration' his actions are producing. On your e-mail, he proceeds to ignore you, perhaps fully aware of the feelings this will generate. Don't be surprised in the event he reappears.

quote:

ORIGINAL: pinksugarsub

In a way i'm relieved -- He has shown His 'true colors' and didn't waste any more of my time. Now i know He's not really a Dom -- a Dom does not run and hide when a submissive says 'i have an unmet want/need, Sir'.

In the event he does reappear and charms you, please post your response - it will be interesting to see if you maintain your present "true colours" attitude.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to pinksugarsub)

Post #: 17

RE: A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms - 6/21/2008 7:33:05 AM

hizgeorgiapeach

Posts: 1672
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

quote:

ORIGINAL: adrian28
What annoys me most about these threads is that they are neccesary. Too many predators, I guess.

Predator? - - Would you be kind enough to explain where the victim is? I might have missed something but, I think this “dating” post is about a cyber, no contact event. And… it is not about something someone “did”, it is about something someone “didn’t” do. I’m having trouble seeing a victim in that.

Necessary? - - I found Pinky more appealing when she was fascinated with her own font and having emotional issues about slashy speak.

When I saw the title of this thread “A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms” I was concerned she had actually thrust herself upon someone in the real world. Thank God this is just another one of those cyber crisis’s.

The last thing we need is someone posting yet another whining thread under false guises warning about cyber dating. I used mod a hackers forum and when ever someone got caught cheating, they almost always blamed something other than their own dumb ass. The same is true on these forums. Many of these type of threads are just someone posting a thread trying to illicit sympathy and support for their own lack of accountability.

Necessary? - - I think not.

Sometimes, ya gotta agree with someone that ya don't necessarily Want to agree with. This is one of those times.

There is no Preditor mentioned in this. And it's not about Dating - it's about self imposed delusions concerning someone that's never even actually been met. People quit talking to those they've "met" online all the time. Big whoopie. Learn from it - actually Stick to your apparant resolve not to repeat the mistake of emotionally investing in someone you've never Actually met - and let it go.

_____________________________

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Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Essential Scentsations

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Post #: 18

RE: A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms - 6/21/2008 7:35:45 AM

lronitulstahp

Posts: 5392
Joined: 10/17/2007
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quote:

In the email, i tell Him my concern is the lack of reciprocity. It didn't seem like a big deal to me -- i figured He was just a chatty Person and hadn't noticed He wasn't giving me any 'air time'.

Maybe he doesn't particularly care for chatty subs...it's his right. Part of the training i've received in the past was in this regard. For instance, i needed to learn not to speak when a Dom spoke...sounds easy...hard for a native New Yorker. (we tend to all talk at the same time, and yet clearly understand the other 3 people speaking) i needed to learn some speech restriction because i'm generally talktative, and for some, that interferes with training...with getting headspace, and relational roles settled. Maybe this guy thought you were too far gone, and that you weren't compatible based on your email. Just the "air time" comment is enough to make some guys get a case of the "fuckits" and let you be. It actually sounds quite the opposite of a 'predator' to me.

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Post #: 19

RE: A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms - 6/21/2008 7:38:33 AM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
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From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
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Dear Pink…
I love your new font and color… it’s very easy on the eyes and I read your post in comfort. In fact, I will respond to it with sincerity and share what I see from my narrow perspective and limited knowledge of the event.

Your story describes a clear chain of key events and is well told. I think you may have overlooked his “Domly” point of view and underestimated his Donly talents at retaining control.

After he invested “daily phone calls and several IMs” he “asked” to meet with you in person. You denied him. He “mentioned meeting [you] often” and you repeatedly denied him. In effect, you ‘took control’ of what it was you guys would exchange and when you would exchange it when you said, “wait a few weeks.”

He's a lawyer and it is his profession to decipher events and the truth from the evidence. After repeatedly trying to get what he wanted from your exchange, he failed because you refused to reciprocate. You obviously weren’t going to fuck him or meet him in person… at least not within ‘his’ desired terms or conditions. But he was obviously attracted to you enough to modify his goals and retake control of the relationship because soon you were only “serving as an audience for Him” without “reciprocity”. He allowed you to serve in the only capacity you were willing to, as a voice.

Then when you told him “on the phone, in IM, and finally by email” that you wanted more and wanted him to serve your needs too, he denied you just as you had denied to give him more of what he had requested.

There isn’t a Domly type guy in here that doesn’t want to be in control… some people might even say we all have ‘control issues’ to some degree. You said, “now i know He's not really a Dom”… to contrary, you show that he remained in control and even allowed you to continue to serve him under his conditions until you demanded he start serving you with reciprocation. Although you were the first to limit the relationship and deny his desires, you did not retain control.

Just saying…

[edit: type-o]

< Message edited by ResidentSadist -- 6/21/2008 7:42:49 AM >

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

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