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Is It Time to Seek a Restraining Order? - 6/21/2008 7:17:05 AM   
pinkieplum


Posts: 84
Status: offline 		i'm posting on this board because IMO, Masters and Doms generally have a strong protective streak, and i need some advice on protecting myself.
 
My sister in law is an odd duck.  She's a rabid Catholic; homophobe, bigot, control freak, liar, and several other unpleasant things.  (My brother has really terrible taste in women.)
 
My brother and i are unusually close -- we lost our parents at a tender age, and while living in the orphanage, or the group home, or the foster homes, we relied on one another.  Not another living soul loved us.  We attended the same college, and for four years i cleaned his apartments, did his laundry, typed his papers...and he dated all my girlfriends.
 
Time and distance changed our relationship, but we always knew the other was only a phone call away.
 
More time has passed, and i am now living in the same city as he for the first time in almost 20 years.  i never had an opportunity to get to know his second -- present -- wife until i moved here.  i chose to move here entirely to be near my brother and his family -- i felt he'd support me, and i was too afraid to move to Miami without knowing anyone there.
 
Well, at first, my sister in law welcomed me.  Then she learned i don't obsess about food; i loathe bigotry; i don't attend Mass every Sunday; i am close with my UM but i don't run her life; i have Men Friends of long standing who are married; etc.,etc., etc.  In short, she came to dislike me.
 
Then we had a terrible argument.  i wanted to bring a date to a party i had been invited to at my brother's.  My sister in law found out my date was African American and gay.  It was one of those epic fights P/pl s'times have.  Even now i could repeat most of what was said -- it left an indelible impression.
 
i am not innocent as a new-born lamb here -- i called her a bigot and a homophobe and told her these were mortal sins -- that she could go to hell for commiting them.  However gratifying it may have been at the moment, it was a dumb thing for me to have done.  She's not normal; provoking her that way was very unwise.

At this point, she and i entered a 'no fly zone'.  i stopped attending any family event; i missed my niece's wedding and my g'nephew's Christianing.  i missed every Xmas party.
 
i continued to see my brother regularly.  He'd run errands for me and we'd stop and chat; or we'd have b'fast out together; or i'd drive over to his office and take him out to lunch now and then.
 
That has been the status quo for about 2 years now.
 
This week my sister in law sent me a series of 'hate emails', demanding i cut off all contact with my brother.  i have no doubt she'd already tried and failed to force him to cut off all contact with me.
 
As it happens, i have several rather pressing reasons why i need to see my brother now.  For example, he writes himself checks on my account when he buys me anything. i never use checks; i pay my bills online and what little shopping i do, i pay for with my debit card.  Now, 7 checks are 'missing'.  i'm a little stressed about the risk of bouncing checks.  i really need him to help me find out what amounts he wrote these checks for, and why they haven't cleared.
 
More importantly, i have fears about what may be happening to my brother's health.  He can no longer comprehend a simple sentence; or retain any info in short term memory; or drive quite as well; etc.  i'm worried -- i'd like him to get a complete neuro work up.
 
So, this is my question:
 
Assuming my sister in law continues to harrass me, i have already warned her i would apply for -- and damned well know i'd be granted -- a restraining order against her.  She holds a professional license which is required for her current position.  If she were the subject of a restraining order, it is possible she might get some unwanted attention from her licensing board.
 
i cannot block her email; she and my brother only have the one master account. In one of my replies to her, i explained how to contact ATT and get help setting up subaccounts, and gave her the phone number.  i don't hold out much hope she'll do this.  

i haven't been able to find any clear limits on how far she'll go when she's angry or frustrated.  i've watched her scream at the top of her lungs for 45 minutes straight; jump out of a moving car; throw things; punch holes in the wall, and so on.
 
If it isn't already abundantely clear, please just assume for purposes of advising me that i cannot allow her any access to me.
 
Under these circumstances, if nothing else worked, would You advise getting a restraining order? 
 
If so, why?
 
If not, why?
 
This is a fairly serious matter to me, as You can imagine.  i really appreciate any advice You give.
 
pinkieplum

< Message edited by pinkieplum -- 6/21/2008 7:36:51 AM >
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RE: Is It Time to Seek a Restraining Order? - 6/21/2008 7:21:37 AM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline 		I would worry more that he is incompetent and may be in need of an assessment.  But, her being next of kin (because he chose her) is what you really have to fight.

See an attourney.  Her being a pest to you should be of less importance than his health, no?

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RE: Is It Time to Seek a Restraining Order? - 6/21/2008 7:25:49 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U

I would worry more that he is incompetent and may be in need of an assessment.  But, her being next of kin (because he chose her) is what you really have to fight.

See an attourney.  Her being a pest to you should be of less importance than his health, no?


I agree

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RE: Is It Time to Seek a Restraining Order? - 6/21/2008 7:32:44 AM   
SeaDogret


Posts: 50
Joined: 2/17/2008
Status: offline 		I agree, as former cop and his wife has control, see a lawyer


quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U

I would worry more that he is incompetent and may be in need of an assessment.  But, her being next of kin (because he chose her) is what you really have to fight.

See an attourney.  Her being a pest to you should be of less importance than his health, no?

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RE: Is It Time to Seek a Restraining Order? - 6/21/2008 7:34:05 AM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline 		First...i would not allow this witch to keep me away from family functions. I would go, head held high. If she is treating you like this other members of your family have no doubt tasted her venom as well.

Your brother is an adult and makes his own choices, If he ALLOWS her to dictate his level of communication with you there is not a whole lot you can do about it. As to his neuro status..(and btw,,,my first thought is she is drugging him)..again..he is an adult and your hands are tied. The only thing you can do is to let him know you support him. Since the lines of communication seem limited to ask him about the missing checks i would close the account and open one in your name only.




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RE: Is It Time to Seek a Restraining Order? - 6/21/2008 7:52:55 AM   
pinkieplum


Posts: 84
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

First...i would not allow this witch to keep me away from family functions. I would go, head held high. If she is treating you like this other members of your family have no doubt tasted her venom as well.

Your brother is an adult and makes his own choices, If he ALLOWS her to dictate his level of communication with you there is not a whole lot you can do about it. As to his neuro status..(and btw,,,my first thought is she is drugging him)..again..he is an adult and your hands are tied. The only thing you can do is to let him know you support him. Since the lines of communication seem limited to ask him about the missing checks i would close the account and open one in your name only.





Yr quite right, sirsholly. She acts out towards anyone who thwarts her in any way.  i think she may batter my brother.  i've seen her treat her son -- the black sheep who also doesn't attend Mass regularly -- in ways that shocked the sh*t out of me.
 
i want to keep my brother in my life.  i want to help him now. i need him to do some things for me i'm unable to do.  And i need him to help me straighten out the mess he's made of my acccount.
 
At the same time, i need the security of knowing she will not target me when she's angry or frustrated.  In fact, what i really need is the peace of mind of knowing i won't have to have any contact with her.
 
i appreciate the advice as to seeing a lawyer.  Even though i am a lawyer, i don't feel i can handle this alone.  i'm completely broke, but i bet i'd qualify for legal aid.  i'll call them Monday and make an appointment.
 
i'm beginning to see i may not be able to 'have my cake and eat it too'.  There's nothing i can do to persuade my brother to see a neurologist.  i cannot protect him from my sister in law.  i may just have to find a way to absorb a loss in the matter of the missing checks.
 
It's possible i may lose my relationship with my brother altogether -- but i have faith that will never happen.  Still, it'll be hard to watch his health decline and not be able to help in any way.
 
i'm a bit distressed by all this.
 
pinkieplum

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RE: Is It Time to Seek a Restraining Order? - 6/21/2008 8:06:42 AM   
angelic


Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline 		I am not going to reply to the entire thread and I suck at quoting.  So, I am going to respond about your account issue.  If your brother is unable to help you in straightening out your account and if you are able to, go to your bank.  They have folks there that can help you get your account back on track.  Also, they may be less inclined to 'bounce' any checks if you have made the attempt to work with them  in getting the account straightened out. 

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RE: Is It Time to Seek a Restraining Order? - 6/21/2008 8:13:47 AM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
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Status: offline 		~FR~
 
Definitely get an attorney.  Having experienced a similar situation with my great-grandmother, I don't think a restraining order is really what you need.  From your description, the first thing you're going to have to do is have your brother declared legally incompetent.  Then you'll have to have a guardian appointed to him.  You'll also have be able to prove your SIL is abusive to him so that the courts will not appoint her as his guardian.  That means you need to be in a position to witness any abuse she might inflict on your brother.  If you have a restraining order on her, you can't do that.
 
I would encourage you to stand up to her, but carefully.  You may want to get a digital camera and a micro-tape recorder you can carry in your pocket.  Attend any and all family functions and document any signs of abuse against your brother.  Also, record any erratic behavior he displays.  Give it to your lawyer.  Good luck.

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RE: Is It Time to Seek a Restraining Order? - 6/21/2008 8:58:13 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I'd focus on the checks. It sounds very probable that she's been writing checks on your account. I'd tell the bank they were stolen and that you to change your account number because of this. Find out what was written and to whom and for what. If it's obviously not his handwriting or things he would buy, then I wouldn't bother with a restraining order, I would have her arrested for theft.

At that point with her in jail for embezzlement you could contact their children and insist one of them gets your brother the treatment he needs and that their mother refused to authorize.

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RE: Is It Time to Seek a Restraining Order? - 6/21/2008 9:22:16 AM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		the simple solution would to be close the checking account and open up another new one with a new account number; if need-be, file for being his legal guardian based on his physical/mental health...

instead you choose to do everything like a drama queen; why is that again?

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RE: Is It Time to Seek a Restraining Order? - 6/21/2008 9:25:54 AM   
Maya2001


Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline
quote:



This week my sister in law sent me a series of 'hate emails', demanding i cut off all contact with my brother. i have no doubt she'd already tried and failed to force him to cut off all contact with me.


quote:

As it happens, i have several rather pressing reasons why i need to see my brother now.  For example, he writes himself checks on my account when he buys me anything. i never use checks; i pay my bills online and what little shopping i do, i pay for with my debit card.  Now, 7 checks are 'missing'.  i'm a little stressed about the risk of bouncing checks.  i really need him to help me find out what amounts he wrote these checks for, and why they haven't cleared.


quote:

He can no longer comprehend a simple sentence; or retain any info in short term memory; or drive quite as well; etc. 


quote:

continued to see my brother regularly.  He'd run errands for me and we'd stop and chat; or we'd have b'fast out together; or i'd drive over to his office and take him out to lunch now and then.



i need him to do some things for me i'm unable to do.  And i need him to help me straighten out the mess he's made of my acccount.
 


First off I am really ..really puzzled as to why you posted a personal family problem under "ask a Master"    Off topic probably would have been more appropriate since this is not a BDSM  topic
Somehow I very much think that there is a very different side to this story  if one spoke to his wife.
the descriptions you give of your brother are extremely conflicting... you state  he has no short turn memoy or is able to understand a simple sentence  but  at the same time want him to help you with bank accounts.. run errands for you... he is still capable of working in an office and he is according to you able to get under the control net  of his wife.  If he is so dysfunctional  as your claiming how can you be expecting him to help you or want to make demands of him ???

It sounds more like you would like to find a way to destroy his marriage  so as to get her out of the picture ...simply because you do not agree with or like her and the fact she is more an important part of his life than you are..... that is his life...his choice  not yours  by trying to bring a gay black man to a family function she was hosting, knowing how she felt  would appear to me as though you were intentionally trying to goad her and when she  got  upset you ,   you started insulting her  basically instigating the trouble  and I am assuming by what is written  you are still trying including  using her job  to destroy her ...do you not realize by hurting her ..you are also trampling on your brother's life.... maybe his health problems are related to stress ...which you are adding to with crap like this   ....of course this is just my opinion based on my interpretation  of your comments here and how you have responded in other threads



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RE: Is It Time to Seek a Restraining Order? - 6/21/2008 9:33:10 AM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		Take him to a doctor. His wife doesn't have to be there.  All you need is his insurance card and there is a good chance its in his wallet.
If you don't have any physical contact with his wife, why do you need a restraining order? Just delete her emails.
Go to family gatherings - as one poster said - the rest of the family knows what she is like, so what the hell.
Go to the bank. I'd say cancel the checks, but that would cost a butt load of money. Don't give your brother access to your checkbook. If he is really acting "off" he doesn't need to be doing anything with your money.

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RE: Is It Time to Seek a Restraining Order? - 6/21/2008 10:03:36 AM   
GreedyTop


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Status: offline 		Maya.. you are my new hero:)

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RE: Is It Time to Seek a Restraining Order? - 6/21/2008 10:10:39 AM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Id suggest taking your checkbook away from a brother who has no memory and has problems functioning. You are asking for trouble there. Delete emails from her if they come in. Let he and she worry about his medical problems, and make the suggestion that he see a doctor. If you decide tou need to take him ebcsue she isnt going to, then do so. She only has more say than you if he is declared unfit, which right now if he is holding down a job and bale to manage he wont be.
Stop the drama and try to get along with your brothers wife. Dont be friends, just be civil enough to attend functions and stay away from her. You are putting him in a bad position having to piss  one of you off to make the other happy.

DV


< Message edited by DiurnalVampire -- 6/21/2008 10:11:06 AM >

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RE: Is It Time to Seek a Restraining Order? - 6/21/2008 10:15:53 AM   
SeeksOnlyOne


Posts: 2012
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline 		id say some psychiatric help is in order here for sure...........seek that out first

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RE: Is It Time to Seek a Restraining Order? - 6/21/2008 10:30:56 AM   
camille65


Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline 		You say that you do all of your banking online. Why not just go to your banks website and see if the checks have cleared?

I imagine it is difficult for you to be feeling like you are losing your brother especially since the two of you have been each others focus for so long. Without going into any physical or psychological problems he may have, if you force him to choose between you and his wife then any problems he has will probably be compounded by that.
Placing him in the position of having to support you or his wife may backfire on you.

Now on his possible other problem, why can't you put your dislike of his wife aside and talk to her about it?
If she won't talk about it then meet your brother for lunch and flat out ask him if he is okay while he is at work.

I wonder if she is demanding you cut ties because so much of his time is being spent concentrating on you and not their marriage? If he is running errands and taking care of stuff for you it may be cutting into her time with her husband.


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RE: Is It Time to Seek a Restraining Order? - 6/21/2008 10:51:01 AM   
Level


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A restraining order may be fine to keep her away from you, but would be worthless in terms of having access to you brother, I would think.

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RE: Is It Time to Seek a Restraining Order? - 6/21/2008 10:55:53 AM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline 		"She, she she.."?

does this have anything to do with your brother at all? really







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RE: Is It Time to Seek a Restraining Order? - 6/21/2008 11:00:12 AM   
kinkypuppy2


Posts: 345
Joined: 11/4/2007
Status: offline 		Restraining order ? no and you probably would not get one.

Cut the ties between them andyou ? you must do.
Close the checking account- change it.
Get your own phone.


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RE: Is It Time to Seek a Restraining Order? - 6/21/2008 11:22:34 AM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		I agree with most of the others, talk to a lawyer.
Restraining orders rarely work and they can often push a "crazy person" over the edge. Your sister in law doesn't sound too "stable."
If you're in Miami there could be 50,000 restraining orders outstanding and how many cops on duty at any one time, 500?
It's a piece of paper that's all. You could have it in your hand while she kills you, not saying that she would.
It's just a false sense of security.
And, you don't need her "permission" to interact or communicate with any other adult in your family like your brother or neice.
Don't let her "control" you.
I don't know about you but I just don't listen to crazy people.
I just block them out and go about my business.
If they persist then I make them suffer.
If she persists ask her why she's been seen going into lesbian bars.


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