RE: Giving up (Full Version)

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MrADude2004 -> RE: Giving up (11/8/2005 7:58:17 AM)

Honestly, like I've stated in every letter I've written and in my profile, what I want most is to meet someone that I can just talk to and share our experiences about the lifestyle together, and hopefully that someone might be rather new like I am so we can become comfortable with it together. Here is an example of one letter I wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi Christys,

Just sending a note to say hi and see if you'd care to chat some time? I'm a 24yr old man from Indiana. At the moment I'm trying to meet and talk to a lot of new people in search of the right girl to become master to. This would be my first serious, live-in bdsm relationship, but I am ready for it and wishing to get started now. If this sounds good to you, please write me a reply, however if you're looking for more experienced or specifically trained masters, I will understand that.

Thanks for reading, hope I'll hear from you real soon!
Andy
-----------------------------------------------------------------

That is the sort of letter I try to write, to which I seem to get very few replies. Most of the replies I have received have either been three lines long and ending by asking me to describe what we'll do our first night together, which just seems to be a way to get a cheap thrill without even taking time to get to know the person...or stating that she's not interested in someone with my appearance. If you think I'm making this up I'll be happy to produce a few letters.



MrADude2004 -> RE: Giving up (11/8/2005 8:10:38 AM)

Thank you to those willing to take the time to listen to my rants and try to understand my feelings. What I don't put much stock in is those few who assume that I've been just "waiting" for something to happen without taking any action. If you knew me, you'd know that I've written a personal letter to every person I've tried to talk to, always wishing to really find a good friend here and then see what comes out of that.

After thinking about it, I've decided I will no longer email anyone I've never talked to. If we talk, it will be because we met in chat or the forum. This goes against my beleif of creating every opportunity you can, but I'm starting to beleive that 90% of the profiles on this site were done on a whim, or by someone like me who isn't involved in the lifestyle in RL and as such isn't necessarily sure what they want. This site will be for me to talk to people only, and I will not meet anyone from online, only RL. I hate to do that, seeing as how many newcomers stick to their profile and don't use the forums or chat, but I have to put my time and effort to better use than writing tons of letters.



MrADude2004 -> RE: Giving up (11/8/2005 8:12:59 AM)

Where's everyone getting this "one year" thing from anyways? I've had a profile on here for at least three years if not longer? :/



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Giving up (11/8/2005 8:14:58 AM)

It says on your profile when you joined......... for you, 7/18/2004. So perhaps you just used different profile names?



themischievous1 -> RE: Giving up (11/8/2005 8:25:33 AM)

quote:

MrADude2004This site will be for me to talk to people only, and I will not meet anyone from online, only RL. I hate to do that, seeing as how many newcomers stick to their profile and don't use the forums or chat, but I have to put my time and effort to better use than writing tons of letters.


Respectfully, Sir, I think the beginning part of your statement here is a mistake. I've been real time for approx five years now. Of that time, the last 2 and a half has been spent on my own after the ending of my last D/s relationship. I've just recently met someone who had an ad up from this site about three months ago. He's local to my area.

In the past before meeting Him, I can't tell you how many emails I have written, responded to, and waded through, including scanning profiles in order to connect with someone. This simply isn't going to occur quickly. It rarely does. It takes time to meet someone to have a serious relationship with. If you're new it might take longer. Instead of giving up, educate yourself about what it is that we do, attend munches and play parties with your local BDSM community group, and be open and patient. There is no telling exactly where your submissive/slave is hiding right now but she'll appear when the time is right. There's no guarantee that you'll meet her through a real time setting first either. If you refuse to explore the possibilities of meeting her from an online avenue like this site, you seriously limit yourself. I would not have met the Man I'm seeing now without this online site. No matter how this turns out with Him, I wouldn't have missed this for the world. Best of luck and keep searching..

mischie



MrADude2004 -> RE: Giving up (11/8/2005 8:28:23 AM)

Well, I guess I was one of those rare people then who'd actually read a profile and understand the fact that you're not interested in anything with me. I always read through the profiles before I decided to write a letter (or not write!). But I rant because this philosophy seems to have failed, and as disappointing as it is I feel I must no longer spend valuable time in writing letters to strangers whose self-description and viewpoint catches my attention.



Phoenxx -> RE: Giving up (11/8/2005 8:40:01 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MrADude2004

Been on this site for three years. Haven't met one person who's really interested in taking BDSM to real life. You've all soured my enthusiasm for this and I have no interest in the lifestyle anymore, so thanks.

OK silly question, if you have no interest ... why are you still here?
Next .. look at your profile and you will see it says you joined 7/18/2004 and that you are as I write this at 5 posts to the forum

Next claiming we ALL have... means your giving us way too much power over you.
And let's face it submissive women are not often attracted to men they can have power over, top from the bottom etc...

Your very first post under this profile is the one above. How would that strike you if it was the 1st thing you read from someone?

It’s almost 2 years for me and we haven’t met anyone to fit with our relationship yet. BUT it may take another 5 years anyway. If it’s worth having, it will take time. We have already had relationships with several women and not had them work out. So, we try again. And again and…

If you give up and then come running back you look weak. Rather then vent on the forums, find a friend or 3 and whine and bitch to them… it’s what I do LOL…..
Tony



MrADude2004 -> RE: Giving up (11/8/2005 8:41:32 AM)

What I said to someone else in reply to their post (which I emailed personally to thank him for his advice, I didn't post that one), is that if my initial post had any purpose it was to let all the people who either didn't bother to reply to my letters or replied rudely that I had previously been very passionate about reading the profiles of different people and writing to say I'd enjoy talking to them sometime...it seems to be a rarity for someone to do this instead of just wanting to hook up once he/she saw his/her picture.

I may have hoped that my rant would lead some to realize that they may be too often ignoring the ones who really do want to have a conversation and just maybe become a friend. Of course the ones that is most directed at will probably never read that post, or give it any deeper thought. Unfortunately its the ones who don't listen that you can never reach.



darkinshadows -> RE: Giving up (11/8/2005 9:00:23 AM)

quote:

Of course the ones that is most directed at will probably never read that post, or give it any deeper thought. Unfortunately its the ones who don't listen that you can never reach.

Then they are not worth reaching anyway.

quote:

Where's everyone getting this "one year" thing from anyways? I've had a profile on here for at least three years if not longer? :/

Your 'one year' comes from your profile. It tells the date you joined. So unless you have had multiple profiles, you have only been on this site just over a year.

Your post example has flaws, which, if your willing, can be improved with constructive critique, if you are open to that.
Are You?

quote:

Just sending a note to say hi and see if you'd care to chat some time?

Fair, basic. But is a little too 'I don't care if your not bothered'.
quote:

I'm a 24yr old man from Indiana.

Again, fair, but predicable and unnecessary. Your profile will give all the information.

quote:

At the moment I'm trying to meet and talk to a lot of new people in search of the right girl to become master to.

Maybe you could ellabourate on it a little - the statement itself leads to questions.

quote:

This would be my first serious, live-in bdsm relationship, but I am ready for it and wishing to get started now.

Too assuming. To much information.

quote:

If this sounds good to you, please write me a reply, however if you're looking for more experienced or specifically trained masters, I will understand that.

Again, too 'If your not bothered,then don't bother' and it also sounds too self destructive. If you cannot trust and shine your own abilities, why would anyone want to communicate to you.

In all, its a negative, weak letter. If you are that concerned with your 'lack of knowledge' how can you possibly expect a s-type to wish to communicate with you? Why are you searching for a submissive, instead of yourself and trying to improve your knowledge. Can You slow down?

I am hoping you feel able to respond. It will be interesting to gain a response.

Peace and Love



MrADude2004 -> RE: Giving up (11/8/2005 9:03:40 AM)

With all respect... I disagree that being inexperienced and letting that be known should steer people away from you. That suggests that you begin talking to someone with the definite intention of hooking up at some point. The letters I have been writing have been offering myself as a newbie looking to befriend those who are just getting started as well, someone that she can talk to without having to be pressured to start anything. As I said to someone else, I will not "hide" the fact that I'm inexperienced, or try to posture myself as someone I'm not. If my being a beginner is inconvenient or uninteresting for those I try to talk to, then I cannot change that. But it's not like I'm asking them to, say, meet me tomorrow so I can practice on them with all my new toys.



MrADude2004 -> RE: Giving up (11/8/2005 9:18:45 AM)

Hi angel,

I sorely disagree that those people 'are not the ones worth reaching anyways'. That doesn't mean they're not still good people, and that they would get much more satisfaction out of paying attention to the qualities that matter, not hoping to be zinged by some memorable line in the email or be instantly put off by the fact that someone is new. It is too easy to be swayed by posturing and all the pretty tail feathers, and I'd hope that some would realize that by actively listening, they can seperate the good from the bad.

I still don't know what this 7/04 thing is about. I must have changed my name at some point and forgotten I did so...because I just realized that MrADude2004 would've been a name I created in '04. Hmm.

I still don't intend to do any more emails. It's annoying to think that whatever I write gets scanned in the space of about 10 seconds and then put aside, and that in that ten seconds I have I must do something to be impressive and memorable. That may work if you're actually experienced, or else blowing yourself up to be someone more than you are, but I don't pretend to be that person. I want to get to know someone over time, get comfortable with each other, and if few people are interested in taking the time for that well I'm not going to change who I am.

I am myself, not an image I put on to impress someone. If I can't meet good people under those circumstances, then I simply won't.

Hope I gave an interesting reponse. ;)

Andy



perverseangelic -> RE: Giving up (11/8/2005 9:32:50 AM)

I often scan through profiles when I'm bored.

I admit, I've come accross many profiles that say NO MEN in big, bold letters.

HOWEVER, those profiles generaly (as in almost always) go on to say that they are looking for long term partners that are female. Not that they hate men and don't want to be with them. Rather, than they prefer to be with women. Even sexism-sensitive me wouldn't call this man-hating or sexism. It's simply sexual preferce, or, if you will, gender preference in one's partners.

There are other profiles that say NO MEN that are profiles of individuals who -already- have male partners and are seeking female ones. Again, not sexism, rather, preference in partners.

There -are- profiles that go on and on about how men are evil. HOWEVER there are at least as many profiles that go on and on about how women are lying, cheating, peices of crap. ~shrug~ So, yeah, I'd call that sexism, but it's far less prevelant than some posts would lead individuals to believe.

Also, some of the profiles that talk about how men are dirt are -clearly- playing into that particular female superiority fetish. Is -that- sexism? Maybe in the strictest sense, but to me, it's a particular type of fetish expression.

Yes, we on the boards -are- harsh, and we do tend to come accross as not so nice to people who's first post is "you'v emessed up BDSM for me, I'm taking my ball and going home."

Overall, though, it seems that we do pretty good at civil disagreements. Recently, I've been invovled in several fairly heated discussions. In no case have they devolved into name calling or personal insults. We -have- exchanged some strident words, but at least in my experience, if one is willing to present what one has to say as a thinking person, one doesn't get called names or insulted. One just gets disagreed with.



MrADude2004 -> RE: Giving up (11/8/2005 9:33:25 AM)

Mischie,

That was a wonderful reply, I can't possibly log off without responding to you. You are describing the optimism I felt when I first came here and I went through tons of profiles, wanting to talk to so many. You're very lucky to have found what you want in the speed-dating gallery that is the email approach on here. Honestly, didn't you feel at times, when you were wading through those emails, that you had to hurry through many of them, often having to rely on gut feeling or particular lines to decide whether or not you'd like to talk to this person?

Oddly this is not my only recent experience of this kind. Last year I went to an event sponsored by a local radio station, a singles night for the VIP listeners of the station. It turned out to be a circus of 5-minute conversations about meaningless small talk, followed by an excuse to get away and chat up someone else. It was one of the most demeaning and also ridiculous forays I've ever been a part of. The easy way is always to be efficient, wring as much information as you can out of 5-10 sentences, which are usually written in uncertainty and showing little of their full personality. As I say I think you're one of the lucky ones who managed to see the one she was meant to find before he whizzed by and out of the picture at light speed. I was very excited about contacting all the people I could whose profile really touched me in some way, but I'm afraid I must step back a bit and let someone try to find me as well, or else at this rate I'll just burn out completely. I'm only excluding myself from emailing people I don't know...those I meet in chat, or forum, or who contact me then I will give a lot more attention to, since I'm not spending hours each day writing letters no one will actually read.

Would you mind if I put you in my faves list? I'd enjoy talking to you more.

Andy




KCMOLucky -> RE: Giving up (11/8/2005 9:42:49 AM)

To the OP:

I've been a member here for (checks profile) 7 months as a Domme. Before that I was here a little over a year listed as a submissive, because I was just starting out, and didn't know my potential and direction.

I have to say in the year and a half that I've been on here, I have met some of the nicest people. No, I don't have a slave yet. Does that get frusterating sometimes? Absolutely! I've started and maintained several relationships that, for one reason, or another, they don't come full scale. However, that is no reason to lash out at the people around me, throw what, in my mind, was a temper tantrum, and threaten to leave.

If you're unwilling to post in forums untill you get angry, and you refuse to send emails out, and you take your frusterations out on people that you don't know, how can you blame anyone but you for your isolation? A dog, one of the most loyal creatures, will refuse to come to it's master if he's beat long enough and hard enough.

You seem to have quite an abrasive personality. Of course this is only my suggestion, and you're welcome to take it or leave it, but I'd seriously suggest you do some soul searching before you take on the responsibility of collaring a submissive.

Should you choose to leave, I wish you luck in any endeavor, but, as a couple of others here were wise to point out, quitters never win. Maybe S&M was only a passing interest for you, because, in my experience, the things we want most we don't tend to give up on.

Mary



darkinshadows -> RE: Giving up (11/8/2005 9:46:47 AM)

quote:

I sorely disagree that those people 'are not the ones worth reaching anyways'. That doesn't mean they're not still good people, and that they would get much more satisfaction out of paying attention to the qualities that matter, not hoping to be zinged by some memorable line in the email or be instantly put off by the fact that someone is new. It is too easy to be swayed by posturing and all the pretty tail feathers, and I'd hope that some would realize that by actively listening, they can seperate the good from the bad.


When I said 'not worth reaching' - meant for you. It means that you shouldnt become to effected by people who have no desire to know you. If you cannot reach them, then don't try - just be yourself. A person will be reached only when they want to be. You cannot force or make it happen. For you, they are not reachable and are therefore, not worth reaching.

quote:

I still don't intend to do any more emails.


Then you will be the one losing out. But that is a choice you have to make.

quote:

It's annoying to think that whatever I write gets scanned in the space of about 10 seconds and then put aside, and that in that ten seconds I have I must do something to be impressive and memorable. That may work if you're actually experienced, or else blowing yourself up to be someone more than you are, but I don't pretend to be that person.


In life, we make impressions on everyone we meet. In jobs, in school, and walking down the street. What you say, what you do, how you speak, and the way you dress all relates to how people perceive you. Now, constructive critique in the letter you wrote from myself says that its not your inexperience that is offputting, its the lack of esteem and the 'i don't care', attitude. THAT'S the way I perceive your writing. If I do, then so will some others. You do not have to be memorable, you don't have to impress, but trying to find something positive from the negativity is very difficult.

quote:

I want to get to know someone over time, get comfortable with each other, and if few people are interested in taking the time for that well I'm not going to change who I am.


Taking time is postive - but thats not how you initially come across. Its my (and others) perception that you expect something. Also, making a statement like 'I'm not going to change who I am' is a very negative statement. You will change and believing you won't is naive. Everyone changes and alters. Circumstances change us - we as people evolve. Its called maturing and growth. Each experience alters us. We can only be who we are, and be true to ourselves, but we will change. And lying to ourselves and thinking we can't or wont - is a very negative response and shows little self realisation. Realise yourself first and everything will come much easier...

Peace and Love



Cloudz -> RE: Giving up (11/8/2005 10:02:00 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MrADude2004

Been on this site for three years. Haven't met one person who's really interested in taking BDSM to real life. You've all soured my enthusiasm for this and I have no interest in the lifestyle anymore, so thanks.


I am sorry to hear about your loss of enthusiasm. That must be painful. I personally have had wonderful experiences on this site, both intellectual and physical. Perahps if you had posted your concerns in the form of a question you would have gotten some helpful suggestions.

To blame us "all" seems a bit of a stretch, but I understand/assume you were frustrated when you posted. May you have better luck in the next 3 years.

~Cloudz



Marquisd -> RE: Giving up excellent (11/8/2005 2:26:25 PM)

yup, and there goes another on-line prince suffocationg in front of the screen.

ummmmmm..................first thing to do GET OUT OF YOUR FREAKING HOUSE AND MEET PEOPLE

secondly......if I where a sub and look at someone that has been "on-line" for three years and now he is loosing his manual during say something harmless to YOU "waxing" - I'd run as fast as I can......

see in real LIFE unless you have a reputation as a SSC player with a respect for limits and passwords and someone actually knows that you know what you are doing .................guess what......

NO ONE WILL PLAY WITH YOU..............

so why would the computer world be different........it isn't in that respect

so sulk away and don't let the door hit you on the way out

cheers

Marquis



Cloudz -> RE: Giving up excellent (11/8/2005 2:29:46 PM)

Marquis,

Nice tag line... I love it!

Cloudz



Marquisd -> RE: Giving up excellent (11/8/2005 2:41:44 PM)

thanks very much indeed.

[:D]



FTopinMichigan -> RE: Giving up (11/8/2005 5:52:11 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MrADude2004
Here is an example of one letter I wrote:
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi Christys,

Just sending a note to say hi and see if you'd care to chat some time? I'm a 24yr old man from Indiana. At the moment I'm trying to meet and talk to a lot of new people in search of the right girl to become master to. This would be my first serious, live-in bdsm relationship, but I am ready for it and wishing to get started now. If this sounds good to you, please write me a reply, however if you're looking for more experienced or specifically trained masters, I will understand that.

Thanks for reading, hope I'll hear from you real soon!
Andy
-----------------------------------------------------------------

That is the sort of letter I try to write, to which I seem to get very few replies.

Here's my own take on this "introductory" e-mail. Nice enough, but I have to say that the comment about a "live-in relationship" and being ready for it "now," can be a bit scary to anyone.

I find this type of very first contact, without ANY real personal information included, to be more of a fantasy ploy than anything. <not judging...just sayin' how I view it>

As an example, if I get an e-mail with a man telling me that he wants to "submit to me," or "serve me," before he even knows a single thing about me, then I know he has no interest in "me"...but only in what he can enjoy...with "anyone."

Giving no info, about yourself, is not a good introduction, IMO, and not enough to peak any lady's interest. Age, location, and the fact that you're a new Dom isn't enough from someone to immediately consider if they want to pursue further contact with you, let alone a "live-in relationship" idea.

You might try telling the lady about yourself. You also might tell her why you're contacting her...like maybe what caught your eye about her profile. It's really not as simple as "I'm looking for"...

Try to be more personal, if that's in you. It might work better for you.
K



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