AAkasha
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Joined: 11/27/2004
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quote:
ORIGINAL: perverseangelic
What people are saying, that you are disregarding, though, is that safewords -can- make a situation easier for both parties.
Yes, things can go wrong, of course. However, it's another line of defense. Say, for example, you know the pesron you're playing with pretty/very well, you believe you can judge their reactions with fairly good acuracy. Say that while you are playing, something happens that is unforseen. A combination of words you use recalls past abuse, for example, and the bottom in question freezes up. Or, hell, say the bottom gets a leg crap that you simply don't notice. It happens. Safewords make a nice backup security method. One doesn't have to remember or be able to say "please stop something has happened." ONe only needs to be able to get out one word.
They aren't my first choice line of defense, and I can count on one hand the times I've -used- safewords, but it -is- a nice backup to have. You're disregarding that there -are- benifits to safewords, when used as a precautionary measure and not as the be-all, end-all of communication.
Of =course= things go wrong with safewords, but things go wrong with close partners and open communication as well. I'd rather be familiar with all three in case, for some reason, my partner misses a signal, or someone we're playing with misses a signal.
It does worry me to see how many people think that if one has a safeword one is protect from all evil, bad, people. It worrys me that individuals forget that safewords mean nothing if the person you're playing with chooses to disregard them, but inthis converation, we're talking about a situation with partners that care about, or at least know each other well and play within each other's lines.
People get a huge hardon for safewords and often completely ignore the concept of direct communication. Someone who is too "gone" to use direct communication is probably too "gone" to remember what code word means what. How reliable are safewords anyway? As reliable as the person using them. If a person is more comfortable speaking in code than spelling it out, how reliable are they?
Where did safewords come from, anyway? I used to use safewords before I even know what sadomasochism was. I used safewords when I would tell my boyfriend (who was tied up and could not get away), "I want you to pretend you don't like this, I want you to struggle, I want you to resist, I want you to say NO. But if you ever really do MEAN it, here's a code word so I don't have to keep stopping you and asking, "are you just faking it, or is it real this time?"
But the word "roleplaying" offends a lot of kinky people because they don't like to feel like what they do isn't "real". I would argue that in most cases the appropriate use of safewords is in ROLEPLAY, when a real message can be mistaken for "make believe" because both people are playing make believe. Or, when a person is gagged, and can only communicate "stop" by a signal. Otherwise, good old fashioned, "oh, shit, I have a leg cramp!" is more effective than "RED".
Safewords when used to REPLACE communication only HINDER communication. They also add a whole level of drama -- the sub that "never safewords," the dominant that prides himself in "never had to make a sub red but got them to yellow again and again" or whatever.
Worse, they make partners lazy in communication. Imagine if in a relationship instead of having to tell your partner what was *really* bothering you about them, you only had to "yellow" and then'd tone down whatever it was they were doing. What if your relationship was considered really fluid because you could convey stop, start, and slow down with code words when making love?
Safewords were created so that people who were playing make believe resistance games could effectively say "STOP" and have the other person understand. Safewords have now become "cool" and something "scene people" think are a must, to the point that they replace real words that communicate much more complex emotions and roadblocks.
People that really like to use safewords do so because talking like two normal human beings somehow takes the 'edge' or 'cool factor' out of bdsm, or ruins their headspace perhaps. I don't feel "less domly" if my partner says "I need to pee." I also have no problem telling him to use codes if we are playing "make believe" (I LOVE roleplaying). Or is it that a dominant feels threatened by words like "stop," or "slow down," or "ok, this is getting too be too heavy for me, I need a second to breathe" because they suddenly feel this direct communication is a sign of their lack of control? Like they are being directed?
The other thing that bothers me about safewords is that it's one more level of "drama" that makes BDSM clunky, uncomfortable and foreign to vanilla women who are trying to get comfortable with dominating their male partner. Telling them they have to learn codes to find out what their man is saying in the middle of BDSM makes it seem even more goofy or awkward. Does anyone remember the scene in "Desperate Housewives" when Rex tried to explain to Bree what a safeword was? How did that go over? Just how it does in a lot of bedrooms, I think.
Safewords serve a VERY important purpose when CLEAR communication might be skewed. But BDSMers who are all about "the protocol" use them, talk about them and defend them like they are the end-all, be-all to BDSM. They aren't. COMMUNICATION is. The old fashioned kind -- with sentences and meaning.
Akasha
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