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What is cheating? - 6/26/2008 4:47:45 PM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		He and i were talking a while back about His promise to me to never cheat on me....And as i was just about asleep He said to me, "of course at some point we are going to have to talk about what exactly cheating  means in a 24/7 TPE relationship." 
Luckily for me, we are not there yet.....  But, in all honesty, the more i think about this, the more confused i am...

Anyone have any ideas?
Thanks,
Kali

< Message edited by Kalista07 -- 6/26/2008 4:48:20 PM >

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RE: What is cheating? - 6/26/2008 4:56:07 PM   
christine1


Posts: 6155
Joined: 12/15/2007
From: i'm headed to HIM...
Status: offline 		to me, anything that needs to be "hidden" from a partner isn't good, and if it's an outside relationship that is hidden,  that constitutes cheating in my book.

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RE: What is cheating? - 6/26/2008 4:56:18 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		I would think before I got too much further into the relationship, I would want to know what it means to HIM.

To me, it is very black and white.  You either keep the promises you make (stay faithful) or you do not keep them (you cheat).

The contents of those promises are what is most often difficult.  For example, does he promise to never have contact with another person that involves genital contact? Does he promise to never allow someone else to think he is available (meaning, not lead them on)?  Does he promise to tell you first before he has sex with someone else? Does he promise to tell you afterwards instead?

Cali


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RE: What is cheating? - 6/26/2008 4:56:43 PM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
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From: Maui
Status: offline 		you might want to get that on the table as soon as possible....

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RE: What is cheating? - 6/26/2008 5:00:01 PM   
katie978


Posts: 352
Joined: 7/21/2007
Status: offline 		  In BDSM-type relationships, more frequently than in vanilla ones, play outside the two involved happens, either through three-ways, cuckolding (or whatever the male female equivalent is), etc. etc. etc. Your dom probably has a fantasy about having two women serve him at once (I mean, who doesn't?) Many here think that play with others is not considered cheating in their relationship as long as they're informed, have veto power, etc.
    If you're seriously against this idea, you need to clear it up with him. You seem to be a bit afraid of his possible "wiggle room" here, so you would need to clarify that monogamy was a non-negotiable requirement for your relationship (if that's the case). If he's the type that's "'twue slaves have no limits'", well, you need to decide if his slippery definition of cheating is going to work for you, or if you're going to keep getting more and more upset over the possibility of playing with others.


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RE: What is cheating? - 6/26/2008 5:01:56 PM   
DisenchantedLife


Posts: 193
Status: offline 		Cheating - imo - is anything dishonest. 

Whether it be they lied to you about having sex with another
or simply having a friendship with another. 

Cheating is many different things.  Emotional, physical, spiritual, etc.

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RE: What is cheating? - 6/26/2008 5:05:21 PM   
Usako


Posts: 697
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline 		I think that would be one of those things talked about BEFORE signing up for a relationship at all.

To me, cheating is anything ya do behind your partners back with another person. Be it sexual or "emotional" cheating. Of course I'm not in any poly either so if someone suggested that I'd kick em to the curb in a heart beat. Don't want cheaters nor sharing in my world.

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RE: What is cheating? - 6/26/2008 5:10:23 PM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		Damn.....i hate when i start a thread that was really well worded and insightful in my head....  :P

i suppose some background information might be helpful......  He is such an honest, open and caring guy that He tells me before He begins chatting with someone new on YIM. Don't get me wrong, He does not ask my permission, but because i have some issues regarding trust He prefers to take the road of doing things up front. i'd be lying if there were not times when i wanted to run in the bedroom when He's on the computer to look at their conversation.  But, the reality is He has told me He will NEVER EVER cheat on me.  In fact, He has gone so far as to tell me there are very few things He can or will promise me (because...well...shit happens in life), but this one He knew He could make certain never happened.
Lastly, when i initially entered into this relationship i agreed that it would be poly...i'll admit to being a stupid fool, who really believed that i could change Him.... Where we are at currently, however, we both know that we are no where near being ready for poly...
Kali


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RE: What is cheating? - 6/26/2008 6:40:02 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		If someone said that to me... I would think they were ready to redefine cheating... and that couldn't be good!  There would be a serious talk now... not later, when I am more involved and less likely to resist a new meaning to an old word, that needs no new meaning unless someone is looking for a way to get their will despite agreements or a dictionary and call it TPE which was agreed to.  In other words... we would talk or I would walk.

But then... he might be being nice, considering you agreed to poly and then tried to change him.  He might be easing you into what you agreed to.

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RE: What is cheating? - 6/26/2008 6:49:34 PM   
Daddystouch


Posts: 162
Joined: 10/20/2006
From: South East England
Status: offline 		I'd define cheating broadly as anything of a sexual/romantic nature, with another person, without the other partner's consent. What they consent to will obviosuly differ from person to person. Some people will let their partner sleep with other people, others will let them kiss, whilst others won't let them dance ot flirt. In BDSM there's just more things to add to the list, what we call play. I think he's right to want to define what cheating means. Whilst we assume sleeping with someone else to be cheating unless the couple agrees otherwise, there is arguably no such assumption or 'default' for, say, clothed spanking or indeed for dancing etc.

< Message edited by Daddystouch -- 6/26/2008 6:50:19 PM >

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RE: What is cheating? - 6/26/2008 6:54:46 PM   
CruelDesires


Posts: 824
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07
Lastly, when i initially entered into this relationship i agreed that it would be poly...i'll admit to being a stupid fool, who really believed that i could change Him.... Where we are at currently, however, we both know that we are no where near being ready for poly...
Kali



How do you define "Poly"?

CD

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RE: What is cheating? - 6/26/2008 7:01:57 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Define it for yourself. Because the limits you need to stay healthy are the ones you need to present as non-negotiable.

Can you handle him cybering two hours a day and closing the chat windows whenever you enter the room? Phone sex? Having multiple profiles on all different sex sites?

Only you can decide what would be hurtful for you.

I'm entirely monogamous. No cyber, no phone, no trolling. No excessive porn use, defined as preferring porn to being with a real live woman.

The only thing is, why ever did you wait until now to discuss this? This should have been defined upfront.

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RE: What is cheating? - 6/26/2008 7:11:04 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Cheating is the act of sharing intimacies with another person, without the knowledge of your partner.  Those intimacies may include physical, emotional or mental aspects.  Cheating is also behaving in a manner that is at odds with the agreed upon parameters of your relationship.

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RE: What is cheating? - 6/26/2008 7:42:08 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

He and i were talking a while back about His promise to me to never cheat on me....And as i was just about asleep He said to me, "of course at some point we are going to have to talk about what exactly cheating  means in a 24/7 TPE relationship." 
Luckily for me, we are not there yet.....  But, in all honesty, the more i think about this, the more confused i am...

Anyone have any ideas?
Thanks,
Kali


For me it's really simple. In regard to personal, intimate relationships, cheating is lying about fucking. If it's not about fucking, then it's plain old lying.

MMV

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Rock, paper, scissors."

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RE: What is cheating? - 6/26/2008 7:44:41 PM   
blackbeard519


Posts: 19
Joined: 6/8/2008
Status: offline 		Maybe the wrong question is being asked.  Maybe the question is "How far does a 24/7 TPE really go?"
It implies that what the dominant says goes.<---note the period and lack of qualifers.
But, is that really the case?  Hard limits can be set, but we all live and grow, and so do our desires.  If his fidelity is important to you, you have to get that out front and center and make it clear that you'd like your own qualifiers in the  "T".

I hope that made sense. 


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RE: What is cheating? - 6/26/2008 7:55:31 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07
Lastly, when i initially entered into this relationship i agreed that it would be poly...i'll admit to being a stupid fool, who really believed that i could change Him.... Where we are at currently, however, we both know that we are no where near being ready for poly...


Why on earth would you agree to something with the intention of changing it/him? Too often I see women agreeing to things that they know in their heart of hearts they will not be able to accept in order to "keep" someone. Things move along just fine....right up until the moment that the things they agreed upon come into play and they have to actually live up to their word.

It would also be very important to define what was meant by "poly". Does it mean that he can have a line of multiple partners, can you have a line of multiple partners...or does it mean that you will eventually seek out another partner to add to your family/household that will be an equally committed partner?  

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RE: What is cheating? - 6/26/2008 7:59:39 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		I'd like to also add that in a situation such as this, it really doesn't matter if it meets the classic definition of "cheating" or not. He could be very upfront and give you full knowledge of every detail...but if you can't handle him being with someone else and in YOUR head it is cheating....it won't matter what you call it...it will still make you feel the same inside regardless of what you, anyone or everyone else calls it.

< Message edited by mistoferin -- 6/26/2008 8:23:00 PM >

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There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

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RE: What is cheating? - 6/26/2008 8:13:57 PM   
Evility


Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07
i'll admit to being a stupid fool, who really believed that i could change Him.


I'm surprised they have not come up with a 12 step program for this affliction.

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RE: What is cheating? - 6/26/2008 8:21:33 PM   
WhisperSupremacy


Posts: 74
Joined: 4/7/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

For me it's really simple. In regard to personal, intimate relationships, cheating is lying about fucking. If it's not about fucking, then it's plain old lying.

MMV


That's always been my way of looking at it. 

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RE: What is cheating? - 6/26/2008 8:34:13 PM   
Lynnxz


Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

And as i was just about asleep He said to me, "of course at some point we are going to have to talk about what exactly cheating  means in a 24/7 TPE relationship." 


Talk about a mood killer... I guess it's possible that he just phrased it awkwardly, but I'd have asked him exactly what he meant right there.

To me- cheating is screwing around on me behind my back- but that wouldn't exscuse sneaking around with IM's and phonesex. If he does it- I want to know about it- that's all. I'm never going to tell him to cut off all interaction with females in his life, but he knows not to be sneaky about things. :)


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