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RE: When to give it up - 6/30/2008 12:40:55 AM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
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quote:

And you are correct, that makes you a not master.

Leatherist

Absolute bullsh*t.

Anyone can be lured into a destructive or abusive relationship. Men are not immune. Masters are not immune.

There's no loss of self-worth for having been run over by such a person any more than there would be if someone rear ended you at a red light.

He may or may not be a Master. I don't know him. Presumably you don't know him either, Leatherist.

I generally shine you on when you make your pronouncements about how everyone 'should' do things, but I cannot let this pass. The Op is vulnerable now -- if we take what he's written at face value. The last thing he needs to hear from you is a judgment that 'he's not a Master'.

Who appointed you judge, jury and executioner?

candystripper

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 21

RE: When to give it up - 6/30/2008 1:00:21 AM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
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And who appointed you my critic? Is something in my manner telling you that I need your approval-or care?

I'm basically advising the guy that there is only so much crap you have to put up with-and you have the option of making changes.

< Message edited by Leatherist -- 6/30/2008 1:05:14 AM >

_____________________________

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(in reply to candystripper)

Post #: 22

RE: When to give it up - 6/30/2008 1:19:26 AM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

And who appointed you my critic? Is something in my manner telling you that I need your approval-or care?

I'm basically advising the guy that there is only so much crap you have to put up with-and you have the option of making changes.

Might have been nice to just say that, rather than to add a negative judgment of the Op to your post.

No one appointed me your critic; disagreeing with you reassures me I'm on the right path. I just took exception to your attack on a vulnerable person. It was IMO mean and self-serving.

Chances are if you have to keep reminding evryone on a web site how Domly you are, you aren't..but that's JME.

candystripper

< Message edited by candystripper -- 6/30/2008 1:26:39 AM >

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 23

RE: When to give it up - 6/30/2008 1:21:16 AM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: candystripper

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

And who appointed you my critic? Is something in my manner telling you that I need your approval-or care?

I'm basically advising the guy that there is only so much crap you have to put up with-and you have the option of making changes.

Might have been nice to just say that, rather than to add a negative judgment of the Op to your post.

No one appointed me your critic; disagreeing with you reassures me I'm on the right path. Ijust took exception to your attack on a vulnerable person. It was IMO mean and self-serving.

Chances are if you have to keep reminding evryone on a web site how Domly you are, you aren't..but that's JME.

candystripper

pot, kettle.............

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

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Post #: 24

RE: When to give it up - 6/30/2008 1:28:02 AM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
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Suffering from 'gotta have the last word' itus, Leatherist?

candystripper

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 25

RE: When to give it up - 6/30/2008 1:36:19 AM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: candystripper

Suffering from 'gotta have the last word' itus, Leatherist?

candystripper

no. Do as you see fit-I'm just losing interest.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to candystripper)

Post #: 26

RE: When to give it up - 6/30/2008 1:42:43 AM

DarkVictory

Posts: 247
Joined: 8/7/2004
Status: offline

Take the collar off. Immediately. Declare the M/s relationship at an end, and go take a break, a day, a couple of days, a week, whatever it takes. Then come back and talk. Find out what the fuck is really eating at her, and see if there's a relationship there to be saved.

You have to recognize that she is not acting as a slave at all, and you're not acting as a master. End that part now.

From there you can control the damage and repair things, or move on. But that dynamic is dead. Put a fork in it.

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 27

RE: When to give it up - 6/30/2008 1:44:29 AM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
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Hmm, much better idea than mine.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to DarkVictory)

Post #: 28

RE: When to give it up - 6/30/2008 2:30:34 AM

Knight0Errant

Posts: 32
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

OP: You are hurting right now. And the uncertainty is plainly eating at you. Many have given you good advice here. Options to consider. Paths you could take. Some great comments and valuable insights. I don't know which will feel right to you. Only you can know that. I have only two things to add.

1) Believe in yourself. Forget what she thinks about you. Pull out your soul and feel around inside and ask yourself: Are YOU proud of yourself and how you do things. Of yourself. For yourself. I think you will be.

2) Everything that ends (or starts to end) will start a grief process. If you end the relationship, give yourself time to grieve. We often need to grieve, even if 'that-which-is-ending' was bad/unpleasant. Don't confuse that natural grief process with self doubt. Remember you are who you are, no matter what she thinks or says.

Drop me a note here if you need someone to talk to.

< Message edited by Knight0Errant -- 6/30/2008 2:31:44 AM >

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 29

RE: When to give it up - 6/30/2008 5:56:22 AM

TysGalilah

Posts: 589
Joined: 11/21/2007
Status: offline

{So for 8 years now I've tried to stick it out and do everything I can to make it work but it continues to get worse. I'm to the point that, while I can still do wonderful scenes with others, I can't take a single stroke at her without thinking of every time she turned around and critisized every aspect of my technique. With her I'm so unsure it's as if I've never held the toy in my hand before. }

I think the above highlighted part says alot towards finding your own answer.
Are you letting THIS relationship and how she responds to you and you respond ( or cannot ) to her, define or negate how you truly feel about yourself and what you desire ?

Why is this your failing? Perhaps it is a mutual failing and the relationship has run its course...
Perhaps her "desires and needs" have changed...even her role preference ( and she is just not aware of it yet )......
people evolve... I have.

We move on, we don't stop dead in our tracks...or at least I don't feel that is an option .

_____________________________

galilah

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to anotherwouldbe)

Post #: 30

RE: When to give it up - 6/30/2008 7:45:23 AM

Sabella

Posts: 265
Joined: 7/26/2005
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It doesn't sound like there is much joy in the relationship anymore, from either side. Possibly ever? if this has been an ongoing battle for 8 years? It sounds to me like you're still trying to "win" and she's determined to win also. A failed relationship doesn't mean either of you are a failure - keep that in mind.

_____________________________

“The giant Grof was hit in one eye by a stone,
and that eye turned inward so that it looked into his mind and he died of what he saw there.”
From The Forgotten Beasts of Eld, by Patricia A. McKillip

(in reply to TysGalilah)

Post #: 31

RE: When to give it up - 6/30/2008 12:06:43 PM

MasterDragon1963

Posts: 51
Joined: 10/2/2005
Status: offline

As I was taught, and to which is that which I express to others, one must learn to control ones self, before they can hope to control another. And remember, doubt is the mind killer. If a slave serves well, then she need not to speak out of place, for if she does, then her merrits best be well placed, for if not, then so too shall she be miss placed.

Master Dragon

_____________________________

It is not enough to walk thru the fire, but to embrace it, the flesh may be burned, but the pureness of the spirit shall endure forever.

(in reply to anotherwouldbe)

Post #: 32

RE: When to give it up - 7/3/2008 2:33:02 PM

nhite

Posts: 85
Joined: 8/28/2007
Status: offline

its painfully clear that the current situation isn't working... but that doesn't mean you're washed up as a master. if that logic held no one would have ever had a second boy/girl friend

(in reply to anotherwouldbe)

Post #: 33

RE: When to give it up - 7/3/2008 5:46:53 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

You sound like i did towards the end of my marriage - not knowing when it was time to leave. The fact that you have to ask the question is a pretty fair indication that things are bad. It may help clarify things for you if you see a therapist. A completely unbiased person can be very helpful.

(in reply to nhite)

Post #: 34

RE: When to give it up - 7/3/2008 9:04:09 PM

darkpassenger434

Posts: 138
Joined: 1/1/2008
Status: offline

I would say, If you aren't happy, you aren't happy. Why confuse the issue with overanalysis? Make a decision.
-R

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"The man who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the man doing it."

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 35

RE: When to give it up - 7/4/2008 2:53:03 AM

Tormentise

Posts: 27
Joined: 2/24/2008
Status: offline

I can truly relate to this OP as it nearly mirrors the situation i've described in my post in Ask a Submissive: Criminally Violent Sub... minus all the bipolar dianosis' and believe that MasterFire
maam and Leatherist have given some good advice on this topic, along with the suggestions of passive/aggressiveness..

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 36

RE: When to give it up - 7/4/2008 6:56:46 AM

deliciousmorsel

Posts: 153
Joined: 9/22/2007
Status: offline

This isn't about bad Master, this is about absolutely Toxic Relationship!
Take the collar and get away from her. Rest, drink, whatever- but it sounds like rest, peace, quiet is the thing. Maybe a beach...

I know this woman, or the vanilla version of her. Passive aggressive is an understatement. Who's Dominent in the household? It's too much topping from the bottom at y'alls house and it's also sounding mean as well.
There are plenty of capable submissive women who can run a Fortune 500 company without demanding instructions from anybody. Nitpicking over the house is just a way to jerk the chain backwards. Leave, take some time, and when you've healed from this you can find somebody who understands everybody feeling good about themselves. It'll take a while, but can you live like that?
Eight years of manipulation and power struggle is exhausting! And she's won her little game if you doubt Yourself so much. But there's no winners in this- it's sounding abusive on a very subtle but powerful level. Move on, find happiness.

(in reply to Tormentise)

Post #: 37

RE: When to give it up - 7/4/2008 10:11:44 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

The only thing left to add is that just because you're a great top as shown by how many people want you to top them, that does not translate to being a great dominant or any kind of dominant at all.

One of the best rope tops I know of is totally uninterested in a power relationship. His relationships are equal but his partners bottom in bed. The two are not equivalent and from the stress you put on your topping ability makes me wonder if you haven't focused on that instead of learning how to dominate.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to deliciousmorsel)

Post #: 38

RE: When to give it up - 7/4/2008 4:05:36 PM

SayaNereida

Posts: 152
Joined: 7/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: anotherwouldbe

In the beginning it was a great relationship.

But as the years went on, she was able to find my weaknesses and exploit them, over and over again until it has completely destroyed my confidence. But with the way she does it, she's always able to find the one way that makes me believe it really is my fault.

I can't take a single stroke at her without thinking of every time she turned around and critisized every aspect of my technique. With her I'm so unsure it's as if I've never held the toy in my hand before.

And I'm not sure that even given time I can salvage this relationship. I guess I feel I'm at a crossroads and I'm not sure what to do next. Because of my life with her, I've become thoroughly disillusioned with this lifestyle.

I'm not sure if it's her or if maybe I really am a failure at being a master.
Is my own self-doubt enough to say I'm not really a master?
Is my inability to control someone who claims her lifelong dream is to be a slave mean I'm a failure?
Are my thoughts of giving this whole thing up a sign that I'm weak and not up to the challenge of the responsibility of a slave?
Should I stick it out even though I'm pretty sure I probably won't be able to make this thing work?
Should I just accept the fact that maybe I am a failure at this and move on?
I'm not sure I want to go on to another relationship. After a bad first marriage, I was actually taking a risk in this one. I'm not exactly old but I do feel I'm old enough that I could easily spend the rest of my life on my own.

I just know I can't continue with the life I'm leading now.

What do you think and feel as you read just your own statements and questions? What would you respond if someone else wrote these words?

Truthfully, I want to tell you to leave and leave quickly (but I don't want to sound too harsh). But perhaps if the 2 of you separate for a time, with the idea of evaluating alone what you each want out of the relationship and how you each feel that is best accomplished.

After a time, meet for an undisturbed weekend to discuss things.

IF one continue to focus ones energy on a negative situation, there will be no room for something positive to enter ones life.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. "

Wishing you positive thoughts,
Saya

(in reply to anotherwouldbe)

Post #: 39

RE: When to give it up - 7/4/2008 4:27:33 PM

Battleflag

Posts: 37
Joined: 7/1/2008
Status: offline

In matters of sexuality, ethnicity, religion... it doesn't matter. Abusive is abusive. If reconciliation is not an option Walk Away. Relationships are not supposed to be full of regret and resentment and certainly not after eight years worth.

_____________________________

"Anyone who hasn’t experienced the ecstasy of betrayal knows nothing about ecstasy at all." ~ Jean Genet

"Even Christ could only get 11 of 12 right." ~ Unknown

"After all these years I'm still haze grey and underway..." ~ Me.

(in reply to SayaNereida)

Post #: 40

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