RE: Do you ever get tired of being understanding?

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RE: Do you ever get tired of being understanding? - 7/6/2008 5:51:59 PM

XaviersXian

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greetings to all,

I've tried replying to this twice. I just cannot find the right words.

well wishes,

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RE: Do you ever get tired of being understanding? - 7/7/2008 3:56:58 AM

lally3

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I have been thinking about this since I read this thread and posted last night.
Simply my personal opinion now, but I see the communication between Doms/Masters or subs/slaves the same, as I would consider a family would be.

If said Dom/Master had (not certain if I may use the word children here, hope so) to care for would they ignore them? Even ‘if’ they were not the ‘primary’ care givers…would they ignore said family member? (quote jade)

to quote, on the top right of every post there are three options 'reply' 'quote' and 'fwd' - just press quote on the post you want to respond to and it will set it up for you. when youve finished typing and you want to change anything, go back to the top right of your answer and there will be the option to 'edit', but its only there for about an hour.

and to answer the above. i actually see it as any relationship with anyone, if its supposed to be a committed relationship, and maybe more so with two adults, because one can only hope that the people involved are mature enough to consider the other person sufficiently and treat them with some basic consideration.

just because its D/s doesnt mean that somehow because youre the sub you should be treated like a dumbass. youve invested time, energy and emotion into a person, short or long term, the investment has been made. its still an adult relationship, the dynamics might create a few confusing grey areas, but communication and respect for each other remains a constant theme whatever the dynamic.

noone under that premis should be ignored - if things arent right for the other person then the other person should have the character to say so, not leave a person dangling, dwindling and feeling bad about themselves.

Please tell me I am not the only one who has internal arguments with themselves? Show of hands now

yup! - you can count me in.

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RE: Do you ever get tired of being understanding? - 7/7/2008 5:58:31 AM

VioletAshes

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Sympathy has its limits, understanding takes patience. All of which I lack and take significant effort to maintain.

My Husband who is the Dom in our relationship (most of the time...) is quite often ill and it is at these times that we are unable to connect in our usual ways. He sleeps a lot of the time so I am left alone and unable to communicate with him. Although I care deeply and I understand his illness and need for rest I do find myself selfishly frustrated by it - I am learning that this is just part of our life together and my deep feelings and respect for him over-ride my needs for his 'dominance'.

He also works significantly longer hours than I do and again, it can be very frustrating when I have been dying to see him all day only to find out he will be late or not home at all. These are just challenges we all face in our real lives. It can't be all rainbows and cable ties all of the time...

< Message edited by VioletAshes -- 7/7/2008 5:59:44 AM >

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RE: Do you ever get tired of being understanding? - 7/7/2008 7:09:40 AM

jade01

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Thank you tally, will try the quote button the next time I need it...after all it is here near the reply button, just was not paying attention.

Yes this is true, that persons 'should' treat each other respectfully who are in said type relationship...

But think this is alot my fault.

I did not do, ask, or may be check that in which I should have before hand...simply trusted, believed, for the sake of something I have so long desired.

Thank you for the understanding and you are correct.

Sincerely,
jade

< Message edited by jade01 -- 7/7/2008 7:18:11 AM >

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RE: Do you ever get tired of being understanding? - 7/7/2008 7:19:17 AM

chamberqueen

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I've been working on this response for close to an hour. : )

It is good to know that others understand. There are simply times when the flotsam of life gets in the way of a relationship moving ahead smoothly. It happens to most of us from time to time.

One of my favorite quotes is: A diamond is a piece of coal that did good under pressure. My Master told me once that I was like a diamond to Him that just needed a few polishing touches. We even exchanged diamond earrings to keep this in mind and to carry a piece of each other with us at all times. Like the advertising line, diamonds are forever. I can hang in there until the situation is dealt with. I just felt lonely, and I figured that there must be others in the same boat. I know it is only temporary; it's just that the days seem so long and empty while I'm waiting.

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RE: Do you ever get tired of being understanding? - 7/7/2008 3:22:41 PM

sujuguete

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Thanks for all the replies posted here. They have helped me see the handwriting on the wall, so to speak.

About 4 weeks ago D and I had an incident that upset us both, and during an IM conversation a few days afterward I told him I realized how little he understood about how I thought and the way my mind worked, and that I was looking forward to seeing him and explaining things from my point of view. He agreed that we needed to discuss it face-to-face. He couldn't manage to make time to see me in the subsequent weeks.

He went out of the country last week and told me he would be back in town Saturday (two days ago). I haven't heard from him since he left, and he hasn't responded to any of my messages. Until today I have tried to keep things positive and upbeat, but guess who was online right here on CollarMe today? Yup, my D, so I know he is back in the country with Internet access, and he must have gotten my messages. I guess I'm an option, not a priority, and the positive feelings have flown out the window.

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RE: Do you ever get tired of being understanding? - 7/7/2008 9:01:10 PM

briarrosethorne

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OMG yes i feel that way sometimes....like...currently...im totally frustrated these days...
we are currently 2500 miles apart and it may kill me lol.

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RE: Do you ever get tired of being understanding? - 7/7/2008 9:13:44 PM

bbwsubnnorcal

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quote:

ORIGINAL: chamberqueen

Right now I just feel sad and discouraged. I was married (vanilla) to a man who always had excuses, or else I found myself making them for him. I know that my Master has real and valid reasons - he's not lying to me.

Hate to burst a bubble here, but YOU picked a husband "who always had excuses". And it looks as though YOU have picked a Master who shares the same trait. The question one should be asking herself----

"Why do i alway keep picking the same type of guy??"

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RE: Do you ever get tired of being understanding? - 7/7/2008 10:14:39 PM

goodgirl85

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sujuguete
But at what point do we get to say, "Look, I need some of your time. I know you have stuff going on, but so do I, and as my Master/Dom/Lover/Friend/whatever I need to turn to you for support."

We both work, I have kids at home (he doesn't), and I'm in school. As a sub, I make time for him whenever he wants me to. Why wouldn't I be able to ask him to set aside time for me? I get tired of being way down the list of his priorities.

When it starts to interfere with the relationship. When you feel like you are being nelegcted. I just had a huge fight with my Sir... a few weeks ago.. to the point where I asked Him to release me. I was tired of finding small subtle ways to try and make him see that I needed more of his time, and that other things about us were bothering me and this fight put me over the edge. In the end with knowing only a little of how I felt He responded with a no im not going to we'll work it out.

SO when I got home that night, I wrote him an email. I told him I was tired of only seeing him on Saturday night, was tired of also doing the same thing, and wanted to do something fun like he had been promising me for weeks.I told him I was doubting his interest in me. I was tired of Him saying it will be different after a fight, and only being different for a week or so. I simply told him I was feeling hurt, sad, and neglected. I wasn't disrespectful, and wasn't bratty. I simply told him that I needed things to change.

The next day he came to my place out of the blue, brought me chocolate milk and a breakfast sandwhich (along with some munchkins in case I didnt like the sandwhich) from Dunkin Donuts, and brought me to the zoo, (something i've been wanting to do, but he's really not into it) and told me that in addition to our weekends, we will figure out a day during the week to get together before I go to work.

and thus far things have been great.

What we sometimes forget as subs is that our happiness does matter to. Our feelings do matter. And that our Doms do want us to be happy. Communication is key to any relationship. Even if you can't tell him in person, email him, write him a letter. It may annoy him that you had to rely on those methods, but hopefully he will understand. Trust me I know, it bugs my Sir that I have such communication issues, and can't actually talk about certain things with him, though I am getting better, most of the serious issues get discussed thru emails... but it still gets discussed. If you're feeling hurt, or nelgected he needs to know or there's no hope for it change.

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RE: Do you ever get tired of being understanding? - 7/8/2008 6:56:40 AM

lally3

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Perhaps others ought to bring this question up for discussion. Because when we assume we know what's best for them without bothering to ask, we take control away from them. And that's not being very submissive.

this sowed a seed in my brain, and other comments through the thread and i got thinking and had a slight eureka moment, for me anyway.

i suddenly realised that actually what ive been doing hasnt been submissive, ok, yes, ive been understanding and patient during a time of stress for him, but actually what ive been is stoic with a dash of martydom thrown in for good measure. deep down i wasnt feeling submissive, i was feeling insecure.

i havent been there for him in the sense of remembering my rules that he painstakingly wrote out for me, ive allowed my insecurities to get the better of me when he has told me not to and i havent trusted his position in my life and remained submissive to his expectations.

i still maintain that my approach was the right one, but i could have done more. instead of just being understanding, i should have been proactively submissive - instead of getting all proud and not asking him for a certain priviledge, feeling stubborn and not ending our telephone conversations with a little endearment he asked from me and generally hiding behind the 'understanding' card in order to short cut through to a private gratification i should have extended anyway, i would have been happier and so would he.

darn - and im going to have to admit all of this to him too.

so my thoughts have shifted. not that i think understanding and being patient isnt something that isnt obvious sometimes and just boils down to one of those basic, intuitive things people have to do sometimes..

being understanding on its own perhaps isnt enough sometimes, particularly when in my case anyway, it came at a price. i stopped turning to him as my M and when i did everything went into neutral. i was miserable, he was ... whatever he was.. and the dynamic faltered.

today i sent him an intimate text, i knew he'd be in a meeting and it would interrupt his train of thought for that moment, but i took a risk that it would also make him smile and that maybe he would respond this time. and he did.

so yes, Dessy (may i call you that, probably not!) and thanks. x

< Message edited by lally3 -- 7/8/2008 6:57:24 AM >

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RE: Do you ever get tired of being understanding? - 7/8/2008 7:12:44 PM

chicagoswitch

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Softness--what you said is true, a vanilla wife or girlfriend would throw it in his face.
We are different and pleasing and special because we won't. That is why we were chosen.
I think I will repeat those words in my mind the next time it happens to me.

"I am different and pleasing and special"

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RE: Do you ever get tired of being understanding? - 7/9/2008 7:56:32 AM

windchymes

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My ex-husband did those very things the first year or so that we dated. No, it wasn't a d/s type relationship, this was way before that entered my life. But anyway, I put myself in "understanding and sympathetic, good little girlfriend who'd make a great wife" mode. I hung in there, fought for the relationship at times, eventually "got" him to come around and we got married in time for his job relocation to another state.

Well, it was a disaster from the outset. I realized that all that showing up late all the time, not calling, not being available because of family emergencies were one, excuses for maintaining control in a passive way; two, excuses for not wanting responsibility, only getting laid whenever he wanted; three, excuses for just going on a drinking binge without repercussions. Yes, alcoholic.

When a guy's really into you and really wants contact with you, he finds time amidst the crises for a quick phone call. He shows up on time, except for the occasional problem, and he at least tries to call if he's going to be more than a few minutes late. There is no excuse in this day and age for communication to be totally cut off and unavailable unless they're rafting down the Grand Canyon....and they probably have towers out there now, too. Or unless they really want it to be. Think about it.....can you think of any scenario involving an emergency in your own family where you were TOTALLY cut off from communication with those close to you for days or weeks at a time? Even if you were out of cell phone range, could you not take a short drive to someplace where you at least had a couple bars of service? Does he feel that the idea of talking to you at all because a family "emergency" is going on that repulsive?

If I had the opportunity to go back and know what I know now, I would have kicked his sorry ass out after the first bout of game-playing. That kind of repeated behavior is inexcusable, whether they're man, woman, dom, sub, whatever.

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RE: Do you ever get tired of being understanding? - 7/9/2008 8:56:51 AM

chamberqueen

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Some people are simply not good at showing up on time. I tend to be very prompt and take pride in that, so I notice when others are not.

I wasn't talking about situations where a sub/slave knows that the relationship may be falling apart or their Dom/Master may no longer care about them. I just wondered if others sometimes felt frustrated when life and its pressures sometimes get in the way. It's not a case of absolutely no communication; just less than normal until a specific situation has a resolution. I was glad to find out that I wasn't the only one to feel the frustration, and there was some very beautiful advice about the difference between handling it like a martyr vs. handling it like a true submissive.

In my case the situation is rectifying itself. I am being rewarded for my patience and He has told me how proud He is of me, has thanked me, and even apologized when He realized (on His own) how long it has been since I had heard any encouraging words. One great thing in my relationship - every time we have come across a stumbling block we end up closer than ever afterward.

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