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After care or no after care, what a stupid question. - 7/5/2008 6:34:09 AM

Draythos

Posts: 8
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OK, I'll admit I'm a new Dom in the BDSM scene but, come on,after care is important. It's been my experience, with the few play partners I've had (don't have aslave or sub yet, still recruiting), that, after care strenghtens the trust and emotional bond between the Dom and sub/slave. I, myself, practice after care like it's a religion. In my opinion, after care is just as, if not more, important than actual play, traing and/or punishment. I'm going out on a limb here by saying; any Dom that does not practice after care is questionable at best. Our roles as Doms is to not only train and punish but, to care for our partners well-being so that, they will want to keep playing with us and comming back for more. Do you agree, disagree, I'd like to read your comments about this subject.

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RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. - 7/5/2008 6:36:10 AM

Level

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Joined: 3/3/2006
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Blanket statements often fall on their face.

There is no "our role as dominants"; not everyone needs, or wants, after care.

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Fake the heat and scratch the itch
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Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

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(in reply to Draythos)

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RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. - 7/5/2008 6:39:47 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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Aftercare, like any other activity, is completely up to the people engaging in the scene. I do know some bottoms that want absolutely nothing to do with it. Even one who, if you touch them after a scene, it makes their skin crawl.

I would find it more "questionable" for someone to think that their "religion" of aftercare is the only one in existence.

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(in reply to Draythos)

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RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. - 7/5/2008 6:41:48 AM

Stusmobile

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From: No fixed abode
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Some do, some don't, depends on the expectations and needs of all involved. There is no one thing that will fit everyone all of the time .... time, experience and knowing your partner(s) will be the things that allow you to decide just what aftercare if any is needed.

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(in reply to Draythos)

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RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. - 7/5/2008 6:42:26 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
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Oh boy...you say that you are 'inexperienced'...this post shows just how much you have yet to learn.

quote:

any Dom that does not practice after care is questionable at best.

And what qualifies you; with your limited experience; to make such a bold statement?

quote:

Our roles as Doms is to not only train and punish but,

Hmmm...not a Dominant personality here...BUT....if I was....thinking, believing, and practicing such a ....role

...with so little to offer sounds like a wonderful way to spend the rest of your life alone.

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RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. - 7/5/2008 6:48:53 AM

MissMagnolia

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I'm obviously a "questionable" domme.

The title of this thread is excellent. It is a stupid question.

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RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. - 7/5/2008 6:50:30 AM

myotherself

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Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
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depends what you mean by aftercare. After a heavy scene, I want time to 'come down' and gather my thoughts and energies. I don't want to be stroked and petted - makes me stressed and claustrophobic, All I need is the reassurance that someone else is in the room, just pottering about and doing stuff, and keeping an eye on me but not crowding me.

For the next couple of days I DO need a little more attention from the Dominant to reassure me that I did ok, that they're thinking of me and looking forward to next time (if applicable). That's just my particular sub-drop issue (fear of abandonment, of not being good enough), but it's easily fixed without fussing.

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(in reply to Draythos)

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RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. - 7/5/2008 8:39:30 AM

brat4fun

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Joined: 4/27/2008
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I've seen lots of different types of "aftercare". Everything from subs being wrapped in a blanket and sitting quietly, to subs kneeling prostrate at the feet of their Doms... even put under their Masters' boot and being required to kiss the hands/implements that have just beaten them.

For myself.... it all depends on what's just happened. I've never been to "subspace"... when I'm done with a scene I'm generally feeling wonderful. I'm all giddy and bouncy and giggly. I don't really need anything special.

However, if I've just been punished for something, I need a lot of contact and reassurance afterward. Lots of tissues on hand are also good to have. lol

(in reply to myotherself)

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RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. - 7/5/2008 8:50:54 AM

MaamJay

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Joined: 9/2/2005
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As has been said, it entirely depends on the people involved. There is no one true way. Some subs love it, some subs hate it, some Dominants love to give it, some Dominants don't. What's important is finding the right fit. For Myself, if I don't have the opportunity to give aftercare and feel that connection, I feel robbed, My pleasure is severely curtailed and I am left feeling used as a piece of Domme meat to give them their jollies. That's just ME and I don't expect every other Dominant to feel that way. However, knowing that's how I feel, it behoves Me to find subs that enjoy receiving aftercare rather than ones who don't. Then it's a win-win and both are happy and contented and connected!

Draythos a word from One who learned the hard way LOL ... avoid blanket statements or sweeping generalisations and you'll get on much better around here!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. - 7/5/2008 8:52:04 AM

kyraofMists

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Disagree.

His 'role' as dominant is pretty much whatever he wants it to be. That is the beauty of him having the authority within our relationship. He gets to dictate what will or will not happen.

I don't really enjoy what most people consider to be aftercare. When I am done playing, I don't like to be touched... hell, I don't like to be touched most times and I really dislike being hovered over. When he is done using me, I prefer to be left alone until I am ready to interact with people. Of course, as the one with the authority within the relationship, if he wants to cuddle afterwards, then when cuddle. Mostly his idea of aftercare is similar to my own and often he is off playing again while I come back to my senses.

Knight's Kyra

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(in reply to Draythos)

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RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. - 7/5/2008 9:14:02 AM

fairerthanshe

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Greetings,

I agree completely. I think aftercare is vitally important to strengthening our relationship. When SJ is finished with me for any session, I immediately tidy up the toy area, get him a beverage of his choosing and then massage his feet. If he needs anything else, I am there for him. Its important to take care of SJ after the session so he knows how much I appreciate the effort he puts into our time together. I believe its what every slave owes the one she serves.

well wishes ~ fairer

P.S. Some Doms earned their chops, know who they are, and select a slave or sub based on having their own needs met. Its a great concept, when you think about it. If SJ had to waste his time with a lot of training and discipline, I doubt I would still be around.

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(in reply to Draythos)

Post #: 11

RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. - 7/5/2008 9:23:25 AM

fluffyswitch

Posts: 1108
Joined: 9/29/2007
From: Buffalo
Status: offline

welcome to the boards! i have to echo what other people have said though, be careful with the blanket statements, it can make your life here much more comfortable.

as for me i don't generally like aftercare but He demands it. i usually want to lay there but it makes Him happy to do it and i dropped hard last fall so i let Him do it.

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RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. - 7/5/2008 9:38:32 AM

ownedgirlie

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Joined: 2/5/2006
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Aftercare for whom?

I love receiving aftercare, but my Master chooses when he wishes to give it and when he doesn't feel like giving it. As a result, I have learend to give myself aftercare, so as not to burden him with it. I have a much softer landing when he provides it (and sometimes that means as little as just talking to me for awhile), but sometimes he wants me to deal with handling it alone, so I do. He knows I'm capable of that, and I know I'm capable of that, so what's the issue? My slavery isn't always easy or comfortable. Nor do I want it to be. So if I have to struggle for him, then I do.

Sometimes, though, he has been tired and covered in sweat after using me. No matter what state I'm in, it seems automatic for me to provide for him. I'll pull myself up, get him something to drink, sometimes put a cool damp cloth on his face, and massage his feet. The connection we have during "play" affects us both with its intensity. Why shouldn't he be cared for afterwards?

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RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. - 7/5/2008 9:47:33 AM

Missokyst

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BS. Not everyone needs aftercare. Sometimes I just want to eat a piece of chocolate, drink some juice and curl up in a nice place to zone for a bit. In addition not all of us are playing with someone we would consider OUR dominant. I sure do not want to cuddle with some guy just because he beat me. Beating is active. Cuddling is passive. I don't want strangers cuddling me, it makes me feel obligated to respond. YUCK.
Kyst

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pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to Draythos)

Post #: 14

RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. - 7/5/2008 9:48:18 AM

Stusmobile

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From: No fixed abode
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

Sometimes, though, he has been tired and covered in sweat after using me. No matter what state I'm in, it seems automatic for me to provide for him. I'll pull myself up, get him something to drink, sometimes put a cool damp cloth on his face, and massage his feet. The connection we have during "play" affects us both with its intensity. Why shouldn't he be cared for afterwards?

That is something that is forgotten about (or seemingly so) ... the sub/slave is not the only person who may require some aftercare.

_____________________________

Goethe: "Whatever you do, or dream you can do, begin it - boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now."

EmlyKate is mine and I wouldn't wish for anything else.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 15

RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. - 7/5/2008 9:57:41 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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Depends on the scene, the relationship and the individual needs of both parties.

If you're topping in public, the bottom may well not feel comfortable accepting aftercare from a casual top. He/she may have a friend who will fetch some water and a blanket.

Also some subs prefer not to be catered to, they prefer to be left alone while slowly repacking the toy bag. By doing so without any interaction or conversation may be how they best center themselves.

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RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. - 7/5/2008 10:00:44 AM

willowspirit

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From: U.S.A.-Minnesota
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Oh my Gosh! The stereo-types some people think of as AfterCare! And, (second point) it's a totally different gig if you are a masochist, or a sensation seeker, or a bottom for a transient event under some Top you don't even really care about.
If two people are forging a relationship on trust and deepening the connection between them, some sort of aftercare is a must! I don't mean cuddling or stroking or that it even has to be physical contact... just something, sitting nearby, changing the background music, sharing a drink of water.... but Abandonment ??
No wonder such a vast majority of submissive personalities I know personally are going to psycho-therapists and are on mood meds !

And of course, yes, Tops and Dominants need aftercare too, but that's hard to do if the bottom/submissive/slave is crumbled, passed out in a puddle on the floor.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 17

RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. - 7/5/2008 10:03:14 AM

ownedgirlie

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Hmm, I haven't seen anything expressed here about abandonment.

Sometimes my greatest pleasure is to use all the strength I have to pull myself up and stumble (sometimes crawl) across the room to get him something to drink. Sometimes that is my aftercare!

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RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. - 7/5/2008 10:05:04 AM

YourhandMyAss

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Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
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I personally don't think you're qualified to be saying who's a questionable dom or not. I also do not think you're qualified to speak to what is needed for every couple and every person who sceenes. Since it's diffrent for every individual.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Draythos
I'm going out on a limb here by saying; any Dom that does not practice after care is questionable at best. Our roles as Doms is to not only train and punish but, to care for our partners well-being so that, they will want to keep playing with us and comming back for more. Do you agree, disagree, I'd like to read your comments about this subject.

(in reply to Draythos)

Post #: 19

RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. - 7/5/2008 10:05:44 AM

Missokyst

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Joined: 9/9/2006
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It is still generalizing to think that we all need aftercare. From a casual top I just want to be left alone. If I involved with that man I would want more, that piece of chocolate, that rub on the head, ect. But even then, when I am secure with what we are together, he can take a call and it wouldn't matter to me. Not everyone needs aftercare all the time.
Overgeneralizations never work.
Kyst

(in reply to willowspirit)

Post #: 20

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