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RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. - 7/5/2008 10:10:31 AM   
dcnovice


Posts: 37282
Joined: 8/2/2006
Status: offline 		<fast reply>

To this newbie, it's really interesting to see all the different perspectives on aftercare. Thanks, everyone!

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(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. - 7/5/2008 10:13:32 AM   
LadyLynx


Posts: 1098
Joined: 7/24/2007
Status: offline 		unless the person who has topped me, is someone I am close to, I prefer to have a blanket, and space to meditate alittle bit. if is someone I am close to, then we cuddle for a while.                                                                                                        And of course it dpends what has been done.  

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(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. - 7/5/2008 10:18:00 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I can only echo what is already here- aftercare can be necessary for ALL participants, aftercare can come in many forms and shapes, can be provided by anyone agreed upon, and is certainly the "dom cuddling the sub" version is not the only good way to go.

Take my name down as Questionable Dom.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_883031/mpage_1/key_top%252Cdrop/tm.htm#883388
TopDrop/subdrop and Aftercare

http://www.collarchat.com/m_772983/mpage_1/key_aftercare/tm.htm#773055
how much is "too much" aftercare?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_725006/mpage_1/key_aftercare/tm.htm#725011
aftercare, the top side?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_598726/mpage_1/key_aftercare/tm.htm#599129
aftercare in ltr and casual play

http://www.collarchat.com/m_495421/mpage_1/key_aftercare/tm.htm#496775
aftercare- when to offer it and how much?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_491455/mpage_1/key_aftercare/tm.htm#492065
aftercare

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1857075/mpage_1/key_aftercare/tm.htm#1857110
After Care

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(in reply to LadyLynx)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. - 7/5/2008 10:19:59 AM   
SweetNika


Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

Blanket statements often fall on their face.
 
There is no "our role as dominants"; not everyone needs, or wants, after care.


Perfectly said Level, I would even venture to say that the aftercare a person needs changes depending on the scene, play or punishment that has occured.
 
Blessed be,
Nika

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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. - 7/5/2008 10:24:19 AM   
NeedingMore220


Posts: 615
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline 		I believe it is the role of the Dominant, as well as the submissive, to communicate and do whatever suits both of them within that relationship.  I am a submissive who needs aftercare - and am up front about it, and have chosen to not be with a few Dominants who were not interested in providing same.  I know what I need and do my best to choose someone compatible. 

(in reply to Draythos)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. - 7/5/2008 10:43:08 AM   
metalmiss


Posts: 341
Joined: 5/4/2005
From: Croydon, UK
Status: offline 		Inexperience yep.... define 'aftercare', care can be expressed in a myriad of ways. If for a particular girl she is best left sat quietly then thats what I will do, just make sure she has a drink of water or something to hand and keep an eye on her. Another girl maybe need more.... when you have some actual experience you will realise that it is a wider and more individual subject... what aftercare means to one maybe not what it means to another.


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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. - 7/5/2008 11:28:09 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline 		~FR~

Since we provide on going care to one another, scenes don't, generally, require a lot of after care. I tend to gather together the water, towels and such prior to heavy scening, so everything is at our fingers tips. Sometimes we use those, sometimes we don't. The on going care is what strengthens our relationship, not a sip of water after a scene.

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Profile   Post #: 27
RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. - 7/5/2008 11:30:49 AM   
Tannie


Posts: 134
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Draythos

I, myself, practice after care like it's a religion.


Therein lies your problem.  You're looking at this with a fundamentalist's eye.  Active aftercare from the top or dominant is most definitely not for everyone, nor does every dom or top require it from their partner. Some people like to take care of themselves instead.

< Message edited by Tannie -- 7/5/2008 11:34:12 AM >

(in reply to Draythos)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. - 7/5/2008 12:24:13 PM   
abcbsex


Posts: 478
Joined: 3/29/2008
Status: offline 		I like to be left alone in relative quiet for an hour or two... I hope that doesn't make Alpha a bad dom, lol. I once made the mistake of getting dressed right away and heading out to Wal-mart for dinner supplies, and that made me need a good cuddle afterwards. Wal-mart.... *shudder*

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but it needed to be at least.... four times bigger.


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Profile   Post #: 29
RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. - 7/5/2008 1:05:28 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		The only comment that I can make is that aftercare is important to me, particularly because of the type of scene that I usually do -- because I break skin on hard-to-reach areas of the body, or play with fire, and because my play has a high level of intensity, I think it's important to clean up my messes.

Calla Firestorm


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(in reply to Draythos)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. - 7/5/2008 3:08:06 PM   
whiteslavebitch


Posts: 479
Joined: 9/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Draythos

OK, I'll admit I'm a new Dom in the BDSM scene but, come on,after care is important. It's been my experience, with the few play partners I've had (don't have aslave or sub yet, still recruiting), that, after care strenghtens the trust and emotional bond between the Dom and sub/slave. I, myself, practice after care like it's a religion. In my opinion, after care is just as, if not more, important than actual play, traing and/or punishment. I'm going out on a limb here by saying; any Dom that does not practice after care is questionable at best. Our roles as Doms is to not only train and punish but, to care for our partners well-being so that, they will want to keep playing with us and comming back for more. Do you agree, disagree, I'd like to read your comments about this subject.


Except when the sub/slave in the relationship does not like aftercare, actually prefers to be left alone to come out of subspace on his/her own.

You're speaking of absolutes, yet I prefer to have no aftercare. I just want to be left on the bed to recover on my own.

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Profile   Post #: 31
RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. - 7/5/2008 3:29:25 PM   
dawntreader


Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: abcbsex

...out to Wal-mart for dinner supplies, and that made me need a good cuddle afterwards. Wal-mart.... *shudder*


THIS i agree with! i need before, during AND aftercare inregards to Wal-mart. Was just there today picking up a prescription  and sensing the energies of the people there and watching them was sensory overload! i left the place in tears! That was a first!!! Now i really could use some aftercare!
 
To the OP: i do not "scene".  And none of my play partners have every taken me to a state in which i felt i needed more than the closness we enjoyed afterward. Perhaps in those situations i am defining aftercare differently but i feel it goes both ways and i enjoy when we both can bask in the afterglow so to speak. i should clarify though - all my play is sexual -

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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. - 7/5/2008 4:12:19 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Draythos
I'm going out on a limb here by saying; any Dom that does not practice after care is questionable at best.
Yup, you definitely went out on a limb......and it snapped out from underneath you. I would say that a Dom that makes blanket statements and doesn't tailor their practices to meet  the need of the submissive, is questionable at best.

Some submissives, slaves, bottoms don't want, need or even like after care.

Sometimes the better part of valor is discretion. So, since you're new, you might want to watch, listen and learn before calling a large part of BDSM D/s community out onto the carpet with your sweeping generalizations.

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Profile   Post #: 33
RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. - 7/5/2008 4:36:04 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		For some, part of their fetish is no aftercare. My girl needs about 2 minutes most times.

Master Fire


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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. - 7/5/2008 4:47:33 PM   
MistressSybella


Posts: 163
Joined: 9/14/2004
Status: offline 		I agree with the original poster; part of a dominant's role IS to care for the bottom's overall well being.

If we are going to beat someone, and send them soaring, it's only fair that we provide a means for landing. If the submissive wants to crash, or land on their own, that's fine too. But it's still our job to find out and take appropriate action, or purposely withhold it for various reasons.

During a scene, a lot of trust is being placed in our hands and we make sure the submissive is ok. We check limbs for circulation after we've tied someone up. We don't leave someone we mummified alone but keep an eye on them. We listen to breathing, just in case that ball gag is too restrictive, and so on. However, the scene, and responsibility for another's care, doesn't end the second we put down the toys and untie the knots. If we are going to play, we have to be actively involved, to determine if aftercare is necessary and/or how much of what kind.

Just because there are a few bottoms here that say they don't like "aftercare" doesn't make the OP wrong.  To treat aftercare as a dominant's responsibility is just being safe, sane and responsible.


< Message edited by MistressSybella -- 7/5/2008 4:48:15 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. - 7/5/2008 4:59:30 PM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

part of a dominant's role IS to care for the bottom's overall well being.

AND part of that care and well being just MAY BE THE ABSENCE of what you refer to as after-care.

quote:

Just because there are a few bottoms here that say they don't like "aftercare" doesn't make the OP wrong.

No one said the OP was WRONG ....they and I said that he should not make sweeping generalizations.




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RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. - 7/5/2008 5:08:24 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressSybella


Just because there are a few bottoms here that say they don't like "aftercare" doesn't make the OP wrong. 
So, if you don't like after care you can only be a bottom? I happen to know slaves, submissives, and bottoms that don't like after care, and that number is more than a few.

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Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. - 7/5/2008 5:34:29 PM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline 		From both sides of the whip here:

As a bottom, I rarely ever want or need aftercare.  I tend to want to jump up and run around being social or doing things because I'm energized by a scene and tend to hold off on that so as to not seem rude to my top.

As a top, a moment to collect myself after a one-on-one scene and sometimes a glass of water is nice.

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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. - 7/5/2008 5:48:32 PM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		It isn't a stupid question.. I've played with and have an active play partner right now who not only doesn't need it, but doesn't want it.

Others... I've played with do.  I have several friends who do not  provide it .. no matter what.

One part of aftercare that I think people miss is calling and checking in on others the next day... I might skip that if someone doesn't need it.. or if they have a partner at home.. but I think its important with play partners you don't necessarily go home with.

Its not an absolute.

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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. - 7/5/2008 5:50:59 PM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		so one should thrust something abhorrent on to another?

nahh.. not in my world.. but this is something I don't need to inflict on someone who doesn't want or NEED it...doesn't make anyone wrong... its just opening the OP's eyes that there are other people out there... and more of them than you might think at least in my experience

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

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Profile   Post #: 40
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