RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. (Full Version)

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Sandyshores29718 -> RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. (7/5/2008 5:57:58 PM)

*fast reply*

I dont think a its a most that every Dom gives after care. Depends on the couple. Personally, I let every one of partners know that after care is a must for me and very important. Its all about the talk everyone needs to have before they start playing together.



RedMagic1 -> RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. (7/5/2008 5:59:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Madame4a
One part of aftercare that I think people miss is calling and checking in on others the next day

Quoted for emphasis.  It takes more than five minutes to process deep emotions and physical pain.  Remember that someone can walk away from a car accident and be unable to move the next day.  Someone in shock -- or flying -- won't always recognize everything going on internally, whether the aftercare occurs in someone's arms, under a blanket, or alone against a wall.

I'll make a sweeping generalization of my own now: it's details like this that separate ho-hum Tops from the good ones.



ThundersCry -> RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. (7/5/2008 7:04:32 PM)

So...you happen to think everyone wants and needs aftercare `ey....
 
You may be...wrong...



YourhandMyAss -> RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. (7/5/2008 7:10:20 PM)

No, making sweeping generalizations about an entire population of people does though.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressSybella

Just because there are a few bottoms here that say they don't like "aftercare" doesn't make the OP wrong. 



MistressSybella -> RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. (7/5/2008 8:03:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

quote:

ORIGINAL: Madame4a
One part of aftercare that I think people miss is calling and checking in on others the next day

Quoted for emphasis.  It takes more than five minutes to process deep emotions and physical pain.  Remember that someone can walk away from a car accident and be unable to move the next day.  Someone in shock -- or flying -- won't always recognize everything going on internally, whether the aftercare occurs in someone's arms, under a blanket, or alone against a wall.

I'll make a sweeping generalization of my own now: it's details like this that separate ho-hum Tops from the good ones.



Hense the rational behind my post. Well said, Red.

Miss 'Bella



Twicehappy2x -> RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. (7/5/2008 8:21:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Draythos

only train and punish but, to care for our partners well-being so that, they will want to keep playing with us and comming back for more. Do you agree, disagree, I'd like to read your comments about this subject.


Not every Dominant trains or punishes, not every submissive wants after care.
 
I personally want to be left alone, not fucked with or touched until i come down. You keep getting any where near me i just won't come down until you leave me be for awhile.  Then i am ready to take on the world, mow the yard, paint the house.

Scooter would happily give it if i wanted/needed that but he is ok with the fact that i don't.



Archer -> RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. (7/5/2008 9:41:59 PM)

I know more than a few tops who will flat oput tell you "My aftercare consists of here's a bottle of water and a hug. If you require more than that then we'll have to figure out who's gonna give it to you." But they do that right off the bat during negotiation. Aftercare is something that does need to be considered and negotiated before hand. That's the only blanket statement I'm willing to make on the subject.





mbes -> RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. (7/5/2008 10:13:13 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressSybella

Just because there are a few bottoms here that say they don't like "aftercare" doesn't make the OP wrong. To treat aftercare as a dominant's responsibility is just being safe, sane and responsible.


Does that sound a tad condescending, or is that just me? (I'm willing to hear it's the second.)
"Say" they don't like aftercare? Or maybe they really don't care for it? Some people do know what they want and need, without just "saying" so.
As for a dominant's responsibility, it's what the partners agree it is.



CalifChick -> RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. (7/5/2008 10:37:04 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Draythos
after care is important...

after care strenghtens the trust and emotional...

after care is just as, if not more, important than actual play...


quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressSybella
If we are going to play, we have to be actively involved, to determine if aftercare is necessary and/or how much of what kind.

Just because there are a few bottoms here that say they don't like "aftercare" doesn't make the OP wrong.


Not only does it make the OP wrong, but your statement I quoted is just as wrong.  Someone I'm negotiating to play with has NO idea what kind of aftercare I need until I tell them.  It's not for them to determine if it's necessary or not. Anyone who told me that they would determine what was necessary for me would not be playing with me.

How incredibly condescending. 

Cali




Leatherist -> RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. (7/5/2008 10:45:26 PM)

Then you have obviously not met the sort of bottom who likes to be beaten hard-then shoved into a cage and abandoned for a couple of hours. She'd absolutely despise you. [:D]



Amaros -> RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. (7/5/2008 10:51:54 PM)

The only generalization I can make is that it depends on the person whether they need it and why - if it's somebody new to game and they have to go to work tomorrow, yeah it might be a good idea - if it's an old hand, then they'll probobly have some way to let you know - could depend on just how intense the scene was, whether it's 24/7 or sceneing, whether you're going for a long term behavioral adjustment type thing (w/respect to informed consent), etc., kind of a judgement call.

I'd think it proper to offer when in doubt, or unless explicitly requested otherwise.




RedMagic1 -> RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. (7/5/2008 11:01:17 PM)

I think the error here is focusing on actions instead of results.  If the responsibility of the Top is to safeguard the bottom when coming down from the scene, then the Top needs to find out what will work best to achieve that result, not just to assume a certain action will magically achieve that result.

Note that it goes the other way, too.  The Top may want to include cuddling or caressing at the end, in part for self-reassurance that what just transpired was ok and not abuse.  In that case, the bottom should be clear before things start on whether that's going to happen.

And, Mistress Sybella, I appreciate your kind words, but Cali is right and you are wrong.  The difference between what you said and what Madame4a said was that you are looking at every sub like a nail because you only have a hammer, whereas Madame4a basically said, "Do whatever works."



daddysliloneds -> RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. (7/5/2008 11:55:29 PM)

i disagree and i'll even give an example of a dominant trying to give me after-care once that blew up in his face....

it was a normal day like any other day, and a normal flogging like any other flogging, however, during this particular flogging ,
unbeknownst to my dominant or to myself, i had gone into a very deep and very primal state, so when he proceeded to perform after-care i tore him apart like a wild animal; it took him about fourty minutes to wrestle me down; the results of which landed him and i at the emergency room with him being treated for deep bite wounds, severe, bloodied claw marks, and three stiches to his fore-head.  i had bruises all over me that were obviously made by his hands restraining me. we had to tell them that i had been drinking and trying to get in the car to drive myself home and that his injuries were a result of him trying to prevent that from happening...

needless to say, his attempt didn't strengthen our bond or our trust or some kind of grand poo ba intimacy or act of genuine domliness; it resulted in us not seeing or speaking to each other ever again.



Amaros -> RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. (7/6/2008 4:41:05 AM)

Good point.



beltainefaerie -> RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. (7/6/2008 5:47:52 AM)

For me it depends greatly on the scene.  I would find it vastly disturbing to the energy of what we created if Master wanted to cuddle and pet me after a rape scene.  Later in the day, it might be reassuring, but right afterwards... just irritating.  However, after just being beaten or used, we often snuggle.  Sometimes it is just nice to curl up at his feet and lay my head on his knee.  Very occasionally I just want to be left alone for awhile.

If it varies this much for me, I can only imagine that there is wide varience among people as well.  It seems more important to find a match with the style of aftercare you want/need rather than to suggest that all dominants must offer aftercare.

However, if what is meant by the idea that everyone should offer some type of aftercare is simply setting up beforehand what you both are comfortable with in terms of aftercare, that makes sense to me.



GreedyTop -> RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. (7/6/2008 6:05:29 AM)

~FR~

Sometimes I need it..and it can be as simple as just being near me, or as involved as holding me, wrapping me in a blanket, etc. 
Sometimes I don't..in fact there are times when I cant get dressed and gone fast enough. Not because of the top..but because I'm energized and have stuff to do..

As a top... it depends on the bottom./.. and this is something I like to talk with them about beforehand. 





frazzle121 -> RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. (7/6/2008 7:02:51 AM)

To noone in particular.

Maybe i'm just lucky.  He reads me like a book, knows when and if i need held and for how long. Knows if i just want left alone for 5 minutes. It was never discussed, just happens naturally.



MysticFireTopaz -> RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. (7/6/2008 7:51:49 AM)

Ironically, I have found with a few of the subs I played with, I seemed to need aftercare more than they did!  On a few occasions after a scene, I instructed the sub to clean up the play station.  Then, when I turned around, they were gone.  I tracked them down to find out what was up.  They said they were fine and it was a great scene.  They simply were not aware anything more was expected of them after the scene ended.  I was busy for a moment putting things back into my toybag, so they assumed I didn't need anything else from them.  They didn't need aftercare themselves and assumed that I didn't, either.
 
Now I include my expectations regarding aftercare during scene negotiations.  I like to have a little conversation and wind-down time after the scene.  Perhaps a shoulder or foot rub if I feel connected enough with the sub.  I find that if I make my expectations clear, it isn't a problem.  The subs are more than happy to comply.
 
In a long-term relationship, it has never been an issue.  The sub and I were  attuned enough to each other to be sensitive of each other's aftercare needs.
 
Lady Topaz



OsideGirl -> RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. (7/6/2008 8:02:07 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1


And, Mistress Sybella, I appreciate your kind words, but Cali is right and you are wrong.  The difference between what you said and what Madame4a said was that you are looking at every sub like a nail because you only have a hammer, whereas Madame4a basically said, "Do whatever works."

That's really good. I like that.



CallaFirestormBW -> RE: After care or no after care, what a stupid question. (7/6/2008 8:34:54 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RumpusParable

From both sides of the whip here:

As a bottom, I rarely ever want or need aftercare.  I tend to want to jump up and run around being social or doing things because I'm energized by a scene and tend to hold off on that so as to not seem rude to my top.

As a top, a moment to collect myself after a one-on-one scene and sometimes a glass of water is nice.


This is something that I thought of after reading this post... it relates to large-event aftercare planning. We were at a large event lately, here in the deep south. It was very hot, and the dungeon area was outside. After a very intense flogging scene, I took a boy down off a cross and asked one of the DMs about water, since both of us were sweating profusely -- there was no water to be found, and the venue required that bottled water be purchased! There was no preparation made for re-hydrating participants in the dungeon, in 80+ degree evening temperatures and high humidity.

To my mind, this was inexcuseable -- I was also a bit ashamed of myself, for not having checked before putting the boy on the cross, to make sure that there was water available for after. It just goes to show -- take nothing for granted, and make sure, as the dominant, that any anticipated needs are attended to. The boy I was topping for this event would have been happy to get water for us for after the scene, but I neglected my duty--and then had to scramble afterwards to make sure that we were both ok. Fortunately, a colleage of mine and her boy were able to assist and also made it a point to let the event coordinators know that there was no water in the dungeon area, so future groups didn't have to go through what we did.

Firestorm



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