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a question about manners - 7/5/2008 9:47:05 AM   
hissweetbella


Posts: 52
Joined: 3/22/2008
Status: offline 		Situation:  Dom wants to come visit his sub.  He has sub search for a hotel in her area which meets his specific requirements.  Sub calls around and finds three which meet his needs.  Dom chooses one, but upon checking in finds the non-smoking room filled with the smell of cigarette smoke.  Instead of changing rooms or hotels, he chooses to stay.  He complains to sub several times during the visit and multiple times afterward about the smell.

During the same visit, Dom wants to go out to dinner, but doesn't get ready until after 10pm.  Sub lives in a town that basically shuts down at 10pm, but suggests a nice little restaurant/bar that she has enjoyed many times.  Unfortunately, they are busy that night and a bit short staffed.  The waitress brought a pitcher of their beverage so they wouldn't have to wait for refills, but it took a little while to get their food.  The server apologized many times about the wait and was otherwise smiling and doing her best to take care of everyone.  Dom complained about the service and said he was sure he could have found some place nicer.

Now, I'm not sure if it was just the way I was raised, but I would never complain to someone I had come to visit like this.  If I found the problem with the room, I would have handled it with the front desk or changed hotels but would have done my best not to make the person I was visiting feel badly about it.  

Is it just a Dom thing to act this way or is it just that I am meeting one who use the title of Dom to cover their bad manners? 

Profile   Post #: 1
RE: a question about manners - 7/5/2008 9:51:57 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		He may not be "using the title of Dom" at all.  He may very well be dominant.  He may also be a dominant who is an asshole. 

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to hissweetbella)
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RE: a question about manners - 7/5/2008 9:52:34 AM   
MySweetSubmssive


Posts: 1139
Joined: 2/7/2006
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline 		Sounds passive-aggressive to me.  If you can easily change hotel rooms, but choose not to?  That's on him.  I realize we all have our quirks and not so good habits, but I'd be tempted to point out his own responsibility and cut off the kvetching at the knees.  It sounds like he has a habit of setting people up for failure.  Ick.

I agree that it's not mannerly, either.

Mss

_____________________________

"Oh, James, you're such a cunning linguist."

--Miss Moneypenny

(in reply to hissweetbella)
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RE: a question about manners - 7/5/2008 9:56:09 AM   
hissweetbella


Posts: 52
Joined: 3/22/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

He may not be "using the title of Dom" at all.  He may very well be dominant.  He may also be a dominant who is an asshole. 


Granted, he may be dominant.  Maybe I shouldn't have chosen that phrase.  I just seem to be finding Doms who use the Dom card to excuse their behavior.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
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RE: a question about manners - 7/5/2008 9:59:24 AM   
CruelDesires


Posts: 824
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		You beat me to it. Passive agressive behavior is unattractive on both sides of the whip.

CD

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Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself.
Lois McMaster Bujold, "A Civil Campaign", 1999

(in reply to MySweetSubmssive)
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RE: a question about manners - 7/5/2008 10:04:48 AM   
SweetNika


Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline 		Far to many people forget that we all are responsible for our own choices. This man made choices, no one is responsible for those choices but HIM. The submissive has the choice of taking the responsiblity for his choices or not of accepting his attitude about it or not.  My time is prescious and if someone can not appreciate the effort or time I put into making plans and arrangements for them then they do not deserve that prescious commodity. So for me personally I would make it known that I thought his attititude left alot to be desired and why, then make it clear from now on he would be making his own arrangements if we did see each other again.
 
Blessed be,
Nika

< Message edited by SweetNika -- 7/5/2008 10:07:13 AM >

_____________________________

Blessed be,
Nika


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RE: a question about manners - 7/5/2008 10:05:06 AM   
dcnovice


Posts: 37282
Joined: 8/2/2006
Status: offline 		Dom or not, he doesn't sound terribly appealing. How was the rest of the visit?

_____________________________

No matter how cynical you become,
it's never enough to keep up.

JANE WAGNER, THE SEARCH FOR SIGNS OF
INTELLIGENT LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE

(in reply to CruelDesires)
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RE: a question about manners - 7/5/2008 10:11:43 AM   
hissweetbella


Posts: 52
Joined: 3/22/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dcnovice

Dom or not, he doesn't sound terribly appealing. How was the rest of the visit?


The visit was nice overall.  It was just a few things like this that bothered me.  I can't quite figure out if he just doesn't think before he speaks or if it is just his overall attitude.

(in reply to dcnovice)
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RE: a question about manners - 7/5/2008 10:17:41 AM   
SweetNika


Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hissweetbella

quote:

ORIGINAL: dcnovice

Dom or not, he doesn't sound terribly appealing. How was the rest of the visit?


The visit was nice overall.  It was just a few things like this that bothered me.  I can't quite figure out if he just doesn't think before he speaks or if it is just his overall attitude.


Have you spoken to him about the things that bothered you?

_____________________________

Blessed be,
Nika


(in reply to hissweetbella)
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RE: a question about manners - 7/5/2008 10:20:34 AM   
urtoy


Posts: 55
Joined: 4/23/2004
Status: offline 		It seems too many men use their alleged dominance as an excuse for rudeness. In such cases, I use a "one strike and you're out" policy. Life is too short to waste time with jerks.

(in reply to hissweetbella)
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RE: a question about manners - 7/5/2008 10:21:16 AM   
hissweetbella


Posts: 52
Joined: 3/22/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetNika

Have you spoken to him about the things that bothered you?


I did.  He says I take things too seriously.

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RE: a question about manners - 7/5/2008 10:21:59 AM   
NeedingMore220


Posts: 615
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline 		Since the rest of the visit was pleasant, I'd hold off judgment until you're sure if this is a pattern with him, which is unacceptable to you, or whether you can live with it because the positives outweigh the negatives.  It does sound very rude to me - being dominant doesn't mean checking your manners at the door, so to speak.  At least it doesn't for me. 

Do you think he was trying to assert himself over you by making you feel bad about conditions which were out of your control?  Or was he just being thoughtless?

(in reply to hissweetbella)
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RE: a question about manners - 7/5/2008 10:22:46 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I wouldn't call what he did as passive aggressive, but it's certainly childish and not taking responsibility for the consequences of their choices.  I'd suggest saying "It really puzzled me that you continued to complain about the room even though you refused to change, I felt like you kept taking time away from us being together to be negative." and "It really made me feel like I had failed when the restaurant was not as you wanted and you said you could have done better."

Ending with: "In the future, do you want me to inform you when I think you are being negative, and you will be the one choosing the restaurant until you can trust my judgement better?"

He may just be a really negative type of guy who can't see beyond himself.  See what he says in a real conversation about it.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to SweetNika)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: a question about manners - 7/5/2008 10:23:21 AM   
MySweetSubmssive


Posts: 1139
Joined: 2/7/2006
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline 		How did that response work for you?

Mss

_____________________________

"Oh, James, you're such a cunning linguist."

--Miss Moneypenny

(in reply to hissweetbella)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: a question about manners - 7/5/2008 10:25:59 AM   
DreamyLadySnow


Posts: 359
Joined: 1/23/2005
Status: offline 		I sometimes find myself bitching over small things, because it's easier than changing them. That's my problem, my flaw, and if someone else has an issue with it they're just telling me the truth, I don't turn it back on them.
Your choice is how you deal with it. No one is perfect - we all have our issues. How important is it to you, would be my question.

LS

(in reply to hissweetbella)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: a question about manners - 7/5/2008 10:27:02 AM   
Maxwell67


Posts: 435
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		Probably he is dominant.  I should think he would have preferred to take action rather than accept a situation that was clearly unacceptable to him, but passive-agressive behavior is not to my knowledge a disqualifier from being dominant.  It seems to have irritated you, however, and so I would suggest you either speak with him about it or put and end to the relationship now and move on.  If it irritated you enough after one meeting to make you question his dominance, then probably you are not right for one another.

I went through a passive-agressive phase when I was younger, but luckily I wised up and outgrew it (now it only rears it's ugly head when I make noncommital statements like 'but that is just my opinion' and such  which is a difficult habbit to get out of when you are writing posts in forums like this, because nobody enjoys being attacked for making blanket statements and it is an easy way to reduce that danger).  I have no doubts that I am dominant.  I am pretty sure I was dominant then too.  Maybe he will outgrow it as well.  Then again, maybe not.

-edited to remove a false assumption


< Message edited by Maxwell67 -- 7/5/2008 10:29:55 AM >

(in reply to hissweetbella)
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RE: a question about manners - 7/5/2008 10:28:39 AM   
hissweetbella


Posts: 52
Joined: 3/22/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MySweetSubmssive

How did that response work for you?

Mss


It really made me feel angry.  I had simply said I felt badly because he kept mentioning the things and it made me feel like he was disappointed with me because he chose the hotel I had most recommeded.  That's when he kind of laughed, said I take things too seriously, and changed the subject.  I ended the phone call a moment later.

(in reply to MySweetSubmssive)
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RE: a question about manners - 7/5/2008 10:30:56 AM   
SweetNika


Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hissweetbella

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetNika

Have you spoken to him about the things that bothered you?


I did.  He says I take things too seriously.


So not only was he making you resposible for his choices but now he IMO says your feelings don't matter to him because in his eyes your simply taking things to seriously.
 
Is this behaviour or an attitute your willing to accept in a realtionship? That is a choice you and you alone have to make because it is you who has to live with the consequences.
 
Blessed be,
Nika

_____________________________

Blessed be,
Nika


(in reply to hissweetbella)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: a question about manners - 7/5/2008 10:34:23 AM   
hissweetbella


Posts: 52
Joined: 3/22/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NeedingMore220

Since the rest of the visit was pleasant, I'd hold off judgment until you're sure if this is a pattern with him, which is unacceptable to you, or whether you can live with it because the positives outweigh the negatives.  It does sound very rude to me - being dominant doesn't mean checking your manners at the door, so to speak.  At least it doesn't for me. 

Do you think he was trying to assert himself over you by making you feel bad about conditions which were out of your control?  Or was he just being thoughtless?


I don't think he was intentionally trying to make me feel bad.  At least, I certainly hope not.  I do think he tends to say very critical things and then try to smooth it over if the other person calls him on it.  I've specifically asked him about that too, but again, he said he thought I took him too seriously, that he says a lot of things without  meaning anything by them. 

(in reply to NeedingMore220)
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RE: a question about manners - 7/5/2008 10:36:37 AM   
hissweetbella


Posts: 52
Joined: 3/22/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I wouldn't call what he did as passive aggressive, but it's certainly childish and not taking responsibility for the consequences of their choices.  I'd suggest saying "It really puzzled me that you continued to complain about the room even though you refused to change, I felt like you kept taking time away from us being together to be negative." and "It really made me feel like I had failed when the restaurant was not as you wanted and you said you could have done better."

Ending with: "In the future, do you want me to inform you when I think you are being negative, and you will be the one choosing the restaurant until you can trust my judgement better?"

He may just be a really negative type of guy who can't see beyond himself.  See what he says in a real conversation about it.


I like that.  I think I may need to calm down a little before I can say it, especially the part about "will you be the one choosing..." without sarcasm dripping off every word, but I can see where it would shift the responsibility of his words back on to him.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 20
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