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RE: a question about manners - 7/5/2008 11:57:37 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hissweetbella

that he says a lot of things without  meaning anything by them. 


That may very well be true; but, if you're going to be hurt by it, or if you don't like the idea of listening to whining, then you have to factor that in.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to hissweetbella)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: a question about manners - 7/5/2008 11:59:41 AM   
Maxwell67


Posts: 435
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

It manifests differently.  White-knight-ism.  Same underlying effect: "Don't you worry about taking responsibility for anything about yourself, precious damsel.  I'll shoulder all the burdens."

Codependence -- when two people help each other avoid personal responsibility.


Ok, I see a valid comparison here.  Especialy where vanilla relationships are concerned.  Even in a TPE relationship, I have always expected that outside of the interpersonal aspect of the relationship the dominant acted more as a sort of life-coach (if that was even neccessary), helping the submissive shoulder their own responsibilities rather than the dominant taking the whole burden themselves.  Though some of the profiles I have read lately have led me to the conclusion that not everyone sees it that way.

< Message edited by Maxwell67 -- 7/5/2008 12:00:07 PM >

(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: a question about manners - 7/5/2008 12:00:53 PM   
softness


Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

He may not be "using the title of Dom" at all.  He may very well be dominant.  He may also be a dominant who is an asshole. 


nodsndos .. what she said

behave like that makes me cringe ...and not in the good way .. in the "Oh my God this dude is an ass hat" kind of way.

_____________________________

proudly wearing the blue collar of consideration to DK Leather, Leatherdykeuk, and LeatherEagle of the UK KRueL Leather Family

veritas, respectus honorque in corio





(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: a question about manners - 7/5/2008 12:03:03 PM   
HarryVanWinkle


Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline 		As I heard Whipmaster Bob Clark say once in a seminar, "Being a dom is not an excuse to be a prick."

(in reply to hissweetbella)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: a question about manners - 7/5/2008 12:19:41 PM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline
quote:

that he says a lot of things without meaning anything by them


Red flag!  If he only means some of what he says, how are you going to know what he means and what he doesn't mean and what to pay attention to and what not to pay attention to?  For me at least, in D/s relationship, this sort of thing is crazy making.

< Message edited by gypsygrl -- 7/5/2008 12:20:26 PM >

_____________________________

“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin


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Profile   Post #: 45
RE: a question about manners - 7/5/2008 12:43:45 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		He may have been a dom, but there is no doubt at all that he was a crass boor. As vulgar as it may sound coming from a woman, if I were approached either through my scene connections or through vanilla aspects by someone with this kind of attitude, my response would likely be "Would you like a little more whine with that cheese? Oh... and don't let the door hit you in the a** on the way out."

I have exceptionally high standards, especially for 'luxury spending' -- I expect luxury when I pay for it. In the same situation, if I were in a no-smoking room that smelled like cigarette smoke, I would have let the front desk or conceirge know immediately, and would have requested a new room that didn't smell of smoke -- if they didn't have one, I would request transfer to an equivalent hotel, and would expect that the first hotel would comp the move and any difference in price.

I suppose that I am unusually controlling, but I would have done the research on the restaurants in town myself, then given instructions as to making reservations. If the place looked busy, but I was getting above average information about how things were going, I would certainly not have been bitchy -- and wouldn't blame my servant for delays that xhe had no control over. Hopefully, if this was our first meeting, we would get along well enough that we would be pleasant company for one another. If I could find nothing pleasant about the evening, before I would sit through it just to b*tch, I would have paid the check, dropped the no-longer-potential-servant off with a thank you for the effort, and returned to my hotel for room service and a good movie, but as b*tchy as I can be, I wouldn't have subjected hir to my dis-satisfaction more than once. If I was a regular visitor (LDR or whatever), I would certainly have known enough about the area not to get caught out  wiithout a meal so late in a town that goes to bed at 10.

Calla Firestorm


_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to hissweetbella)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: a question about manners - 7/5/2008 1:32:25 PM   
brat4fun


Posts: 47
Joined: 4/27/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hissweetbella
I don't think he was intentionally trying to make me feel bad.  At least, I certainly hope not.  I do think he tends to say very critical things and then try to smooth it over if the other person calls him on it.  I've specifically asked him about that too, but again, he said he thought I took him too seriously, that he says a lot of things without  meaning anything by them. 


Attempting to "smooth things over", instead of listening to what the other person is saying, acknowledging their point of view, and working towards a mutually acceptable solution... that's just patronizing.

I don't know the guy, and I realize that I'm only seeing this situation from your point of view.  However, my advice is run far, run fast, run while you can.

Anne

(in reply to hissweetbella)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: a question about manners - 7/5/2008 2:24:01 PM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		If he chooses to blame you for things you are not able to control, especially after you went out of your way to make suggestions you felt would be pleasing to him and accepting his input, then this may show you exactly how the rest of the relationship will go. Watch for a pattern - maybe it was an off day.  If the pattern continues I would suggest that you think hard about whether the relationship can give you what you need.

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Profile   Post #: 48
RE: a question about manners - 7/5/2008 2:40:27 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hissweetbella

quote:

ORIGINAL: NeedingMore220

Since the rest of the visit was pleasant, I'd hold off judgment until you're sure if this is a pattern with him, which is unacceptable to you, or whether you can live with it because the positives outweigh the negatives.  It does sound very rude to me - being dominant doesn't mean checking your manners at the door, so to speak.  At least it doesn't for me. 

Do you think he was trying to assert himself over you by making you feel bad about conditions which were out of your control?  Or was he just being thoughtless?


I don't think he was intentionally trying to make me feel bad.  At least, I certainly hope not.  I do think he tends to say very critical things and then try to smooth it over if the other person calls him on it.  I've specifically asked him about that too, but again, he said he thought I took him too seriously, that he says a lot of things without  meaning anything by them. 
He's not intentionally making you feel bad, he just doesn't give a crap if he makes you feel bad. So, rather than stopping and thinking about whether his comments are upsetting you, he prefers that you change how you "feeL'. That's called being invalidated, by the way. It's hard to have a healthy relationship when your feelings constantly get invalidated. He doesn't care if it hurts you, because if you're hurt it's your fault because you take things too seriously. It's his way of being self centered and uncaring. Maybe he hides that behind being Dom. <shrug> I've seen some so called "Doms" that think because they're the Dom they get to blame the submissive for bad emotions generated by the realtionship.

Personally, I'd be reassessing this "Dom". After all, at the beginning of the relationship, we're all on our best behavior. So, whatever he's doing is only going to get worse 6 months down the line.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to hissweetbella)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: a question about manners - 7/5/2008 2:41:51 PM   
bipolarber


Posts: 2792
Joined: 9/25/2004
Status: offline 		Harry has it right.

One of the people whom I admire greatly in this community is Fetish Diva Midori. (If you are unfamilliar with her, she is sort of the "Martha Stewart" of BDSM Except in this case, Midori is much better mannered than even Martha is.) As she has said, repeatedly, "If you intend to be someone's superior, than you have to act in a superior way." It sounds like your "Dom" enjoys being a pain in the ass.

If "I" had been in this situation, I would have sent you down to the front desk to change rooms. Period. I sure as hell wouldn't have accepted the situation. This doesn't even enter into you doing your job as a sub... you were both either lied to, or else they accidentally put you in a room that didn't meet your standards. Therefore, the problem was not with you as a sub, but with the clerk behind the main desk. Yet, instead, he uses this minor foul up to make YOU feel bad...

Immature.

Secondly, HE dallys about the hotel room until it's late, and then has the gall to complain about the lack of drinking/eating choices?

Is this guy like 16?

Because he sure acts like a recalcitrant teenager... not a level-headed person in control of himself and his surroundings enough to trust with your body and well being.

Still, if the rest of the weekend visit was okay, give him another chance. If the pattern repeats, then definitely think about if you want to put up with this kind of crap the rest of your relationship with him.

(in reply to chamberqueen)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: a question about manners - 7/5/2008 2:53:37 PM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		Quick reply; Next time he starts bitching about things he can change but refuses to, grab hold of him and kiss him until he shuts up. If he opens his mouth to complain again, do it again. See how HE likes it being done to him.

p.s. you already know what he's like. he told you quite a while ago that he is passive aggressive, and that he was hiding that side of him until he had you hooked.
I'd be SO done.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


(in reply to hissweetbella)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: a question about manners - 7/10/2008 5:53:11 AM   
Anoush


Posts: 11
Joined: 7/10/2008
Status: offline 		I would not put up with a whiner, no matter his orientation.  Neither should you.  Unfortunately, there are plenty of whiners involved in BDSM, both tops and bottoms.  It confuses people into thinking that dom/mes should be petulant and submissives should be like spoiled children.  Just say no to inappropriate behaviour.  It's the fastest way to extinguish it.

(in reply to hissweetbella)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: a question about manners - 7/10/2008 6:33:23 AM   
Evility


Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hissweetbella
I did.  He says I take things too seriously.


No, it is not a dom thing in general. Maybe he will take your comments to heart and behave in a different manner on subsequent visits. If he does not but the visits are otherwise enjoyable this may just be something that you might consider learning to live with at least for the duration of this liaison. I don't blame you for being bugged about it. Nobody likes a whiner.

(in reply to hissweetbella)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: a question about manners - 7/10/2008 6:50:23 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Using fast reply........

Forget the whole dominant thing. He is just a guy that refuses to take any responsibility for himself or his actions. There is only one way a relationship of ANY type can go with a person like this......In the crapper.

"No officer, I do not abuse my wife. She picked a restaurant that was terrible so I beat her for her mistake. Next time she will pick a better one."

"No judge, I did not intend to kill her. It was all her fault, she wouldn't shut up. I was just holding her head under water to keep her quiet."

He's a putz that doesn't want to take responsibility so he shoves all the decisions onto others. That way he can bitch and whine when the outcome sucks. It's a win win for him and a lose lose for everyone that puts up with him."

Nothing dominant about him.



_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Evility)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: a question about manners - 7/10/2008 5:53:54 PM   
SurrenderForMe


Posts: 229
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		May or may not be a dom, you decide.
Has bad manner and sounds passive agressive from description. 

The question I have, is it a first or fairly new relationship or established.  If established, is this a pattern?  If not, then maybe he was just off that day.

Good luck

(in reply to hissweetbella)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: a question about manners - 7/10/2008 6:08:39 PM   
MissSCD


Posts: 1185
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline 		You are speaking of manners in a generalized way.  I very rarely complain about anything because I work for the public.   I know how it is. 
Sometimes, it is a proper way of analyzing the situation.   I cannot stand to go to a restaurant where someone complains about every little detail.  To me, that is rude.
So, I am not sure what my answer is on this question.  Manners are certainly not used much any more.  I always complement customers who have polite children.  
 
You all have a good day.

Regards, MissSCD

(in reply to hissweetbella)
Profile   Post #: 56
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