Is it better to confess or keep silent about an affair?

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Is it better to confess or keep silent about an affair? - 7/10/2008 6:44:48 PM

Vendaval

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I can hear both sides of the the argument for telling or not telling the truth after having an affair? Which is more damaging in the long run? Is an honest confession better than keeping it secret?

"Why We Have Affairs — And Why Not to Tell"

Tuesday, Jul. 08, 2008By Andrea Sachs Because how does it make a person less guilty to inflict terrible pain on someone? Which is exactly what the confession does. It puts the other person in a permanent state of hurt and grief and loss of trust and an inability to feel safe, and it doesn't alleviate your guilt. Your relationship is dealt a potentially devastating blow. Honesty is great, but it's an abstract moral principle.... The higher moral principle, I believe, is not hurting people. And when you confess to having an affair, you are hurting someone more than you can ever imagine. So I tell people, if you care that much about honesty, figure out who you want to be with, commit to that relationship and devote the rest of your life to making it the most honest relationship you can. But confessing your affair is the kind of honesty that is unnecessarily destructive. There are two huge exceptions to not telling: if you're having an affair and you haven't practiced safe sex, even if it's only one time, you have to tell.

http://www.time.com/time/arts/article/0,8599,1820942,00.html

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RE: Is it better to confess or keep silent about an aff... - 7/10/2008 7:18:56 PM

xxblushesxx

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I agree with what was written.
I had a friend who had affairs quite often. (she said it was due to the fact she was bi-polar...Idk)
THEN, she had to tell her fantabulouswonderfulgreatesthusbandintheworld...and....he always eventually forgave her and took her back.
I happen to know it killed a bit of his soul every time though.

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RE: Is it better to confess or keep silent about an aff... - 7/10/2008 7:34:05 PM

MstrObjectmaker

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I reckon.....the best way is not to say anything.

Why should the unfaithful partner assauge their guilt by laying it at the door of the other?

Its the unfaithful partners guilt that he/she should live with and deal with themselves.

(in reply to Vendaval)

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RE: Is it better to confess or keep silent about an aff... - 7/10/2008 7:51:31 PM

MsLadySue

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Having been in the position of my ex having an affair and telling me, I recommend that people keep their yap shut about it. The hurt caused by that information made it impossible for me to trust him again and the marriage was never the same.

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RE: Is it better to confess or keep silent about an aff... - 7/10/2008 8:22:15 PM

hizgeorgiapeach

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Tell or don't tell makes little difference. The RIGHT thing to do is NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR IN THE FIRST PLACE.

No affair = no guilt = no need to say anything in the name of "honesty."

Personally, I can find absolutely NO sypathy for those who feel guilty about having affairs, whether they tell their sig. other or Not. And if that Other happens to be stupid enough to keep the cheater, or forgive them and take them back, I have no sympathy for Them, either - they shoulda been smart enough to ditch the person who cheated in the first place.

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RE: Is it better to confess or keep silent about an aff... - 7/10/2008 8:24:13 PM

NeedingMore220

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Keep silent. Confession only helps the adulterer pour his guts out and feel relief, while the wronged party will be sitting there, receiving that and will be left carrying the burden.

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RE: Is it better to confess or keep silent about an aff... - 7/10/2008 9:58:23 PM

winterlight

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what about the other partner (AIDS, sexually transmitted diseases) ?

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RE: Is it better to confess or keep silent about an aff... - 7/10/2008 10:34:23 PM

DomAviator

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Dont Ask, Dont Tell. However, if caught do not fucking lie about it and above all do not attempt to pass it off as "rape"... My exwife had an affair during our marriage, but claimed she was raped by another teacher but wouldnt press charges because she couldnt relive it blah blah wha wha wha .... I understood this, but saw to it that "justice was served" while we were in Ocho Rios Jamacia so she could recover from her trauma... Following my divorce, I was talking to her ex-husband and it turns out she was "raped" by the same guy when she was married to him... (and that got her a trip to Ibiza, Spain while the bouncers from his bar worked their magic.) After our split she was "raped" by the same guy again - but this time for some reason she has pressed charges lest she lose her new meal ticket. Raped three times by the same man through two marriages and a live in relationship in three states is a bit much...

So lying about an affair can have dire consequences for your lover - both legally and in terms of having his ass stomped into the ground. Here in Texas there was recently a case in which a husband justifiably and legally shot and killed the "rapist" who turned out to be the boyfriend. So, while the best policy is to be good - if you do get caught fess up lest someone be falsely arrested, pounded into something resembling a wet prune or killed.

< Message edited by DomAviator -- 7/10/2008 10:35:50 PM >

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RE: Is it better to confess or keep silent about an aff... - 7/11/2008 4:42:59 AM

pahunkboy

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From: Central Pennsylvania
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yes but some people build their life completely on lies.

I know someone who was accused so much that THEN he made it come true.

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RE: Is it better to confess or keep silent about an aff... - 7/11/2008 4:52:45 AM

Aynne

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Joined: 1/25/2008
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Christina that is so true. When I was married I was morbidly unhappy and did the cowardly thing and cheated and although my ex had his faults infidelity was not one of them and I would never dream of telling him or confessing. It would have devastated him and he would have stayed anyway with that knowledge of his wife's affair. A few of his friends that had their suspicions decided to intervene anyway and tell him and he chose to not believe them and they are no longer friends. So not only would I not tell, I would not tell a frind either if her spous was cheating. They usually stay together and wind up hating the messenger.

I think that by telling your spouse you are cheating you are burdening them with the most painful knowledge they did NOT ask for and it serves no purpose other than to hurt. Either get out of the marriage or don't cheat. Don't crush them in the process.

quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

I agree with what was written.
I had a friend who had affairs quite often. (she said it was due to the fact she was bi-polar...Idk)
THEN, she had to tell her fantabulouswonderfulgreatesthusbandintheworld...and....he always eventually forgave her and took her back.
I happen to know it killed a bit of his soul every time though.

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RE: Is it better to confess or keep silent about an aff... - 7/11/2008 4:54:39 AM

Aynne

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Lord DA, a wet prune?

Your descriptions crack me up, even if I hate to admit it!

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I told you what I am
And I hoped that you heard

~Owned and Loved by Master Sifu~

*founder of I Love Lushy Inc.*

(in reply to DomAviator)

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RE: Is it better to confess or keep silent about an aff... - 7/11/2008 5:08:27 AM

camille65

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There are some people who insist on 'telling the truth, confessing' under the guise of being honest, when in reality they only try to soothe their own conscience not really caring about the consequences inside the other persons mind.

"But at least I'm honest" has been used as a cop out so really I can't give a quick answer. It depends. Has the affair ended and the marriage gotten back on track? If so I see no need to bring it into daylight unless they want their partner hurt.

If it is something ongoing or repeated behavior then yes, I believe that it needs to be said.

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RE: Is it better to confess or keep silent about an aff... - 7/11/2008 5:36:26 AM

pahunkboy

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From: Central Pennsylvania
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well- disclosure implies, challenges that the terms of us have changed. the bargain or trade off is subject to the revision.

tho people tend to want what they cant have

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RE: Is it better to confess or keep silent about an aff... - 7/11/2008 5:56:05 AM

sub4hire

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If it were me I'd tell. Primarily because if I felt the need to have an affair in the first place I wasn't getting whatever it was I needed at home. That relationship was over anyway.
So, why not be honest about it? Its either lie and continue to cheat until I get caught. Or just out myself to begin with then we could both start the journey to heal.

(in reply to Vendaval)

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RE: Is it better to confess or keep silent about an aff... - 7/11/2008 9:16:16 AM

philosophy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: hizgeorgiapeach

Tell or don't tell makes little difference. The RIGHT thing to do is NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR IN THE FIRST PLACE.

....yup, agreed totally.

(in reply to hizgeorgiapeach)

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RE: Is it better to confess or keep silent about an aff... - 7/11/2008 10:40:26 AM

NeedingMore220

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quote:

ORIGINAL: winterlight

what about the other partner (AIDS, sexually transmitted diseases) ?

If that is an issue, my answer changes to confessing all and being sure everyone involved is tested and treated.

(in reply to winterlight)

Post #: 16

RE: Is it better to confess or keep silent about an aff... - 7/11/2008 11:50:37 AM

slaveboyforyou

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From: Arkansas, U.S.A.
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I have never cheated on anyone that I have been with (I'm serious, I really haven't.) But I have been cheated on, and I tried to forgive and put it behind me. You can't forget about it. You will bring it up in arguments, and you will always have this mental image of your SO fucking someone else. My policy is to always tell the truth to someone I am with, but you have to be prepared to live with the consequences of your actions. I don't play around anymore when it comes to cheating. If you cheat on me, I will leave you....period. It's just been my experience that a cheater will cheat again, and a liar will always be a liar.

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Post #: 17

RE: Is it better to confess or keep silent about an aff... - 7/11/2008 12:05:32 PM

popeye1250

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From: New Hampshire
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NeedingMore220

Keep silent. Confession only helps the adulterer pour his guts out and feel relief, while the wronged party will be sitting there, receiving that and will be left carrying the burden.

Bingo!
Keep your mouth shut!

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RE: Is it better to confess or keep silent about an aff... - 7/11/2008 1:14:39 PM

Stephann

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The "Do you tell or not?" is a great example of the one-size-fits-all solution. That is to say, it doesn't really fit anyone. Different people have different emotional and sexual needs, and come with their own host of virtues and vices; the real issue isn't if you should tell or not, but rather if you really desire the person you committed to, or not.

Personally, I'm a very intimate person. I like cuddling, I like touching, I like talking and not feeling like I have to censor myself. In previous relationships, when I felt that intimacy was suffering with my girlfriends, I would find myself at bars or dance clubs where I could meet others. I never set out thinking "I'm going to cheat on my girlfriend" but after a few drinks and a lot of laughs, I'd end up doing just that. I never cheated to hurt my partner, it was always from a lack I felt in our relationship. I finally realized that compatibility and mutual committments where what really kept a relationship alive; that when you cut a huge part of yourself out, you eventually end up miserable, or lying to yourself (and often both.)

Currently, I'm in a relationship where I'm free to date or spend time with other women if I wish. I feel like I can talk about those desires when they crop up, and as they're no longer a taboo topic or forbidden fruit, I find I desire them a lot less.

I mention myself, because I think it contrasts strongly with some of the reasons people cheat. I knew a guy who was sleeping with his secretary. From what he'd told me, it seemed to have a lot to do with the fact that it was a secret; that he wasn't supposed to be sleeping with her. Sure, she was beautiful and good company, but she was 'just' a secretary. He had a socially placed wife, children, a house, etc, and the secretary was a secret double relationship that didn't have any substance; if it did, he'd never have gotten involved with her in the first place. I think other people have affairs to get attention, a sort of "look at me! I'm misbehaving! Fix it!!" And there's the standard "I'm miserable with life and need to escape" affair. My father had an affair for three years with a woman in South Carolina (we lived in Michigan.) He was miserable with his job, his wife, and didn't really enjoy being part of the family. He met a woman who was beautiful, funny, and vivacious; but he couldn't bring himself to make the changes he had to make to really make a life with her. Sometimes people just don't want to give themselves permission to be happy.

So in the end, I think telling or not telling has a lot more to do with if one wishes to make changes in the way they live, or just maintain the status quo.

Stephan

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RE: Is it better to confess or keep silent about an aff... - 7/11/2008 5:06:29 PM

Lockit

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Oh just come to CM and plaster it all over the boards...

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