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How do you deal with..... - 7/13/2008 7:50:15 PM

WhisperSupremacy

Posts: 74
Joined: 4/7/2008
Status: offline

A dom who is almost never satisfied??? Maybe not necessarily in the bedroom,....assuming the bedroom play completly breath-taking and never a dull moment in the eyes of both,....but what about outside the bedroom???

(mainly looking for submissive responses, but welcome comments and opinions from ALL)

Outside the bedroom, you work, you slave, you do everything in your power to make someones life complete, and it still just isn't enough..... The dom complains A LOT,...All the damn time, practically to the point where you just wanna punch a wall. There's nothing you can do,... in many ways it creates a barrier of problems in the eyes of a sub who gives there all, only to feel like they're worthless in their masters eyes,....practically to a point of depression and low self esteem.

Any advice will help. Again, this is more centered outside the bedroom,....

< Message edited by WhisperSupremacy -- 7/13/2008 7:51:37 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: How do you deal with..... - 7/13/2008 7:55:40 PM

sweetwenchie

Posts: 1993
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline

Perhaps trying couples therapy? No easy answer here that i can come up with, but if the only thing the Dom seems satisfied is the sex, then the relationship has serious issues. Could always try sitting down with each other, and speaking freely about what is going on, why the Dominant is feeling so unsatisfied, and the submissive able to freely express how that is making them feel. Without getting to the root of the problems i see a relationship like this as being a train wreck waiting to happen.

Just my thoughts, hopefully one of our more lucid posters will offer better advice.

If this situation is something you are dealing with personally, and not a theoretical situation, then good luck to you both!

_____________________________

"To make oneself an object, to make oneself passive, is a very different thing from being a passive object." - De Beauvoir

"You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist." - Nietzsche

(in reply to WhisperSupremacy)

Post #: 2

RE: How do you deal with..... - 7/13/2008 8:03:31 PM

SylvereApLeanan

Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline

Leave.

No, really. If it becomes obvious that nothing I say or do will ever be enough to suit a partner, then I don't feel the need to stay in an unhealthy relationship. As I said on another thread, if I'm not important to one partner, I can and will find someone who values me more.

However, if you're not ready to make that big a step, then I'd strongly suggest you sit your partner down and have a long talk. Don't accuse! That will just cause him/her to go on the defensive and you'll get nowhere fast. Use lots of 'I' statements and otherwise neutral language. It's possible that the complaints aren't really about whatever issues are being presented (e.g. it's not about the spot on the floor you missed when you swept, it's about your partner feeling you don't care enough to put your best effort forward).

If that doesn't help, try to get your partner to agree to see a relationship counselor. For that matter, you might want to start with the counselor. It's very possible that your partner is feeling anxiety and pressure from outside the relationship and is over-compensating by being even more picky and controlling at home. A counselor can help with that and help the two of you improve your communication. Instead of taking the stress out on you, your partner can tell you how s/he feels and express what s/he needs from you.

Best of luck with your situation.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl

"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to WhisperSupremacy)

Post #: 3

RE: How do you deal with..... - 7/13/2008 8:06:47 PM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

You try to understand where they are coming from, and explain where you are coming from.
You hope.
You pray.
And, if you love the person, you work at it.
It doesn't always work.
I think...sometimes it does...I think.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)

Post #: 4

RE: How do you deal with..... - 7/13/2008 8:07:22 PM

WhisperSupremacy

Posts: 74
Joined: 4/7/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetwenchie

Perhaps trying couples therapy?

I think she's the one that needs the therapy more than I do. Right now for example,....I just tried calling her on the phone, and just my luck, I called at the wrong time and she's bitching like living hell about it. Gee, like I'm suppose to mentally predict every single move she fucking makes and everything that happens in her surroundings?,....

Seriously, I can't put up with this shit. I can't keep living like this. I just got done slamming the phone on the ground. I am an extremly patient person and I have kept my cool for so fucking long, but there's only a certain point where a person can take so much. I'm fucking sick of this.

(in reply to sweetwenchie)

Post #: 5

RE: How do you deal with..... - 7/13/2008 8:10:52 PM

Sandyshores29718

Posts: 343
Joined: 4/8/2008
Status: offline

When it gets like that its time to leave a relationship. Does not matter what type of relationship it is....Thats not healthly for you.

(in reply to WhisperSupremacy)

Post #: 6

RE: How do you deal with..... - 7/13/2008 8:11:28 PM

WhisperSupremacy

Posts: 74
Joined: 4/7/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

Leave.

No, really. If it becomes obvious that nothing I say or do will ever be enough to suit a partner, then I don't feel the need to stay in an unhealthy relationship. As I said on another thread, if I'm not important to one partner, I can and will find someone who values me more.

My friends have pretty much told me the same thing,.... you're probably right. I'm not fucking happy. I just don't know what to do. I'm going to wait it out a little longer and try to talk with her.

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)

Post #: 7

RE: How do you deal with..... - 7/13/2008 8:13:00 PM

VioletAshes

Posts: 101
Joined: 1/16/2008
Status: offline

I think you just said it yourself. You cannot put up with it and you cannot keep living like this. I agree. Your Dom (who seems to be acting more like a spoiled brat) needs to get her act together.

_____________________________

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I'm not like other girls that you know
but I believe I'm worth coming home to"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(in reply to WhisperSupremacy)

Post #: 8

RE: How do you deal with..... - 7/13/2008 8:18:41 PM

sweetwenchie

Posts: 1993
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhisperSupremacy

I think she's the one that needs the therapy more than I do. Right now for example,....I just tried calling her on the phone, and just my luck, I called at the wrong time and she's bitching like living hell about it. Gee, like I'm suppose to mentally predict every single move she fucking makes and everything that happens in her surroundings?,....

Seriously, I can't put up with this shit. I can't keep living like this. I just got done slamming the phone on the ground. I am an extremly patient person and I have kept my cool for so fucking long, but there's only a certain point where a person can take so much. I'm fucking sick of this.

If it has gotten that bad, you need to tell her that you are ready to walk. That leaves the ball in her court to a degree, either she wants to keep you in her life and will make an effort, or she won't. Saying nothing and just hoping that things will change never works. If you are completely open and honest, and she offers that in return, hopefully there will be changes made to make the situation not only livable, but make the relationship a good one.

Again, good luck to you, i do not envy your situation and the obvious frustration you are feeling. Letting a bad relationship get to the point of hurting your feelings of self worth and self esteem is something that can take a long time to heal from, and i cannot think of anyone who would be worth that.

< Message edited by sweetwenchie -- 7/13/2008 8:21:55 PM >

_____________________________

"To make oneself an object, to make oneself passive, is a very different thing from being a passive object." - De Beauvoir

"You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist." - Nietzsche

(in reply to WhisperSupremacy)

Post #: 9

RE: How do you deal with..... - 7/13/2008 8:19:16 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

I was married to a guy like that. I divorced him.

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to WhisperSupremacy)

Post #: 10

RE: How do you deal with..... - 7/13/2008 8:30:34 PM

WhisperSupremacy

Posts: 74
Joined: 4/7/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetwenchie

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhisperSupremacy

I think she's the one that needs the therapy more than I do. Right now for example,....I just tried calling her on the phone, and just my luck, I called at the wrong time and she's bitching like living hell about it. Gee, like I'm suppose to mentally predict every single move she fucking makes and everything that happens in her surroundings?,....

Seriously, I can't put up with this shit. I can't keep living like this. I just got done slamming the phone on the ground. I am an extremly patient person and I have kept my cool for so fucking long, but there's only a certain point where a person can take so much. I'm fucking sick of this.

If it has gotten that bad, you need to tell her that you are ready to walk. That leaves the ball in her court to a degree, either she wants to keep you in her life and will make an effort, or she won't. Saying nothing and just hoping that things will change never works. If you are completely open and honest, and she offers that in return, hopefully there will be changes made to make the situation not only livable, but make the relationship a good one.

Again, good luck to you, i do not envy your situation and the obvious frustration you are feeling. Letting a bad relationship get to the point of hurting your feelings of self worth and self esteem is something that can take a long time to heal from, and i cannot think of anyone who would be worth that.

You're right. I guess I really shouldn't have let it get this bad. It's just been a back and forth kind of thing,....one minute we're on cloud 9, the next minute we're in the 7th layer of hell..... but overall, I just can't take it. I'll tel her how I feel. I'll talk to her later tonight and see what happens.

(in reply to sweetwenchie)

Post #: 11

RE: How do you deal with..... - 7/13/2008 8:33:42 PM

WhisperSupremacy

Posts: 74
Joined: 4/7/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

I was married to a guy like that. I divorced him.

Damn. Can't say I blame you all. I know how you feel.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 12

RE: How do you deal with..... - 7/13/2008 8:46:48 PM

KneelingSilently

Posts: 38
Joined: 4/15/2008
Status: offline

Just tell you don't feel like you're making her happy anymore.

_____________________________

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so. - Mark Twain

(in reply to WhisperSupremacy)

Post #: 13

RE: How do you deal with..... - 7/13/2008 9:12:15 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhisperSupremacy

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

I was married to a guy like that. I divorced him.

Damn. Can't say I blame you all. I know how you feel.

Well, I waited 17 years too long and had a broken spirit when I left. Ask yourself - are you better or worse for this relationship?

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to WhisperSupremacy)

Post #: 14

RE: How do you deal with..... - 7/13/2008 9:12:27 PM

lighthearted

Posts: 1165
Joined: 11/26/2006
Status: offline

I call that type of person a "soul-sucker"...cuz that's what they do...they suck everything out of you until you don't have anything left, even for yourself.

if you feel that way, it may be time to get out...

_____________________________

"Thou art to me a delicious torment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

(in reply to WhisperSupremacy)

Post #: 15

RE: How do you deal with..... - 7/13/2008 9:31:37 PM

PanthersMom

Posts: 2215
Joined: 11/26/2007
From: Cleveland Ohio
Status: offline

when you can do nothing right, everything is wrong, and i don't mean with what you're doing or not doing. it's time to call it a day, pack up your toys and go home. i had a dominant like that many years ago, led to my discovery that i was happier as a dominant myself. i have never treated a submissive as he did me; it was not a wasted experience.
PM

_____________________________

That which does not kill me, better run pretty damn fast

I miss my ex, but my aim is improving!

(in reply to lighthearted)

Post #: 16

RE: How do you deal with..... - 7/13/2008 9:58:54 PM

softness

Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline

DV has high standards and expectations, in some ways impossibly high standrards and expectations. HE is hard on me, He expects a lot, and often expects more than I can deliver. Frequently I find myself frustrated or exhausted by what He requires of me, and I don't see that this will ever change. He will never, ever, say that I am perfect, there will always be something that can be done better, improved, made more pleasing .... doesn't mean what I do isn't pretty damn good, being done well, or already pleasing ... just means I can always be improving my service. I am given every opportunity to experience success, and my success is celebrated in our own fashion.

Difference between fostering a super high standard and never being satisfied is .... I know He values how hard I work for Him, and how much effort I put into meeting His requirements. Difference is He doesn't complain if I do somthing badly, He points it out, asks if I know how to do it better, then shows me how to do it better, the watches me do it better.

Personally I would sit down and as respectfully as possible (which for me would be really hard because behaviour like what you describe is almost impossible for me to respect) explain how the relationship is not working because of this impossibility of not pleasing or not satisfying. Explain how you want things set up differently so you can experience success, and not only experience failure. If your Dom wants the relationship healthy and successful, then it is likely they will listen and respond. If they don't listen and respond ... that tells you what you need to know.

_____________________________

proudly wearing the blue collar of consideration to DK Leather, Leatherdykeuk, and LeatherEagle of the UK KRueL Leather Family

veritas, respectus honorque in corio

(in reply to lighthearted)

Post #: 17

RE: How do you deal with..... - 7/13/2008 10:05:46 PM

daddysliloneds

Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline

sing that song to them that goes:

hit the road jack
and don't you come back
no more, no more, no more, no more.

hit the road jack
and dont' you come back no more.

(in reply to WhisperSupremacy)

Post #: 18

RE: How do you deal with..... - 7/14/2008 6:01:09 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Okay, I know nothing about you except fro this thread, and have never heard her side of the stoty. With that in mind...

1. You say that she "complains". It could be that she's telling you how she wants you to change your actions, and you're resenting that. Or it could be longwinded pointless whining. Big difference.

3. How long has this relationship been going on? If just a few weeks, I would expect her to point out issues. If more than six months or so, I'd say that she's just whining.

It sounds like the relationship may be dying. Perhaps you could change it to a bedroom only situation?

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to daddysliloneds)

Post #: 19

RE: How do you deal with..... - 7/14/2008 6:13:37 AM

ShiftedJewel

Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline

I was married to a man like that. He was terribly unhappy and just refused to see it. Every time I tried to leave he fought harder to get me to stay. It wasn't me he was in love with, it was the idea of the relationship. He tried all kinds of crap, followed me everywhere, parked outside my house every night... yeah, stalking. I had to reach a point where I just plain hated him and didn't care if it killed me, I was leaving and staying gone. Then he told me I was going to have to pay for the divorce knowing that I couldn't. So I told him that was fine, I wasn't in any big hurry to get remarried. A year or so after we finally did get the divorce (it took me moving 2000 miles away for him to finally get that I was done) he went to therapy and discovered that he hated me. Had I stayed? He would have literally "loved" me to death. Stand your ground, leave hell while the door is open.

Jewel

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 20

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