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Reassuring subs - 7/14/2008 9:57:32 PM   
TwoDommeDivas


Posts: 36
Joined: 7/7/2008
Status: offline 		When we arrange to meet a sub for his or her first play date with us, we always tell them the same thing: tell someone where you will be and when you will be home, and arrange to call them at certain times during the evening so that they know you are safe. Not a single sub has ever followed through with that, though. I'm not sure why, though I speculate that it is because people (unjustifiably) fear women less than men.

Tops, do you do something like this? Bottoms, does that kind of thing reassure you and make you trust enough to let go? Is any of that necessary? Is there some standard thing that people do?

We like to meet early on. No long telephone relationships for us. We'll exchange a few emails, and if we're interested we want to meet and see if there is an in-person connection. No wasting anyone's time. So, for our method, we think subs would want to be very careful. But they NEVER are.

I don't get it. Do you people actually want us to kill you, or something???

M. Dana

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RE: Reassuring subs - 7/14/2008 10:09:40 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Nope.  Honestly it never occurs to me.  They either trust and want to meet me or they don't.  Their safety is their responsibility until we agree otherwise.

I'd question your methods though if it always brings you the same result.

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RE: Reassuring subs - 7/14/2008 10:10:27 PM   
hazelmae


Posts: 8
Joined: 7/7/2005
Status: offline 		As one person who has been in a dangerous situation with someone I met, I think it is pretty stupid to not set up safe calls and let someone know where you are, whether you are meeting a woman or a man.  I thank God every day that someone knew where I was, otherwise I probably would not be here. 

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RE: Reassuring subs - 7/14/2008 10:12:06 PM   
TwoDommeDivas


Posts: 36
Joined: 7/7/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Nope. Honestly it never occurs to me. They either trust and want to meet me or they don't. Their safety is their responsibility until we agree otherwise.

I'd question your methods though if it always brings you the same result.


Yes, we are questioning the need for this, since no one ever seems to take care for their own safety. But, you know how it is, kill one sub and you never live it down.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Reassuring subs - 7/14/2008 10:18:40 PM   
PainSmith


Posts: 53
Joined: 12/30/2007
From: the Republic
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TwoDommeDivas


quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Nope. Honestly it never occurs to me. They either trust and want to meet me or they don't. Their safety is their responsibility until we agree otherwise.

I'd question your methods though if it always brings you the same result.


Yes, we are questioning the need for this, since no one ever seems to take care for their own safety. But, you know how it is, kill one sub and you never live it down.

I suspect, by simply making the suggestion, you're creating the trust to make carrying it out seem to be unnecessary. That's why I don't suggest it.

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RE: Reassuring subs - 7/14/2008 10:23:56 PM   
TwoDommeDivas


Posts: 36
Joined: 7/7/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PainSmith


quote:

ORIGINAL: TwoDommeDivas


quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Nope. Honestly it never occurs to me. They either trust and want to meet me or they don't. Their safety is their responsibility until we agree otherwise.

I'd question your methods though if it always brings you the same result.


Yes, we are questioning the need for this, since no one ever seems to take care for their own safety. But, you know how it is, kill one sub and you never live it down.


I suspect, by simply making the suggestion, you're creating the trust to make carrying it out seem to be unnecessary. That's why I don't suggest it.


Well, creating trust is kind of the point, you know? Are you saying that creating trust is a bad thing?

Dana


< Message edited by TwoDommeDivas -- 7/14/2008 10:25:30 PM >

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RE: Reassuring subs - 7/14/2008 10:26:43 PM   
KneelingSilently


Posts: 38
Joined: 4/15/2008
Status: offline 		When I was confronted with this I begrudgingly did it because it seemed important to her, but I really did have to be talked into it. I think there is some truth to the thought that we men feel safer meeting women for the first time and I won't try and argue that there's any merit to it on a first play date. It's dumb. Especially when we expect to be restrained....

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RE: Reassuring subs - 7/14/2008 10:32:42 PM   
TwoDommeDivas


Posts: 36
Joined: 7/7/2008
Status: offline 		Hi people. This is T, the other half of the equation here. I wanted to address Lucky albatrosses comment about questioning our method. You said that we should question our method..... Why on earth should we question our desire for others to be smart and do the intelligent/safe thing by letting others know when and where they are meeting people from the internet? Our initial meeting have been in public venues. Restaurants only, so far and we pose no threat to anyone.  I know there are lots of other people out there who would do actual real harm to  an unknowing/naive  sub . I think my partners question was a valid one and our concern that men don't seem to care about theirs puzzles us.

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RE: Reassuring subs - 7/14/2008 10:47:17 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I didn't say you should question your motivations, I said your methods.

The fact is, lots of people meet others from online all the time and include the motivation to make everyone feel secure- what are they doing differently from you?

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RE: Reassuring subs - 7/14/2008 11:03:32 PM   
TwoDommeDivas


Posts: 36
Joined: 7/7/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I didn't say you should question your motivations, I said your methods.

The fact is, lots of people meet others from online all the time and include the motivation to make everyone feel secure- what are they doing differently from you?


Is this the Socratic method or something? If you have a suggestion, out with it, please. We don't really care if you question our methods. We just ignore stuff like that unless we are asking for advice, and we were not.

I think you misunderstand. Obviously, they DO feel safe and secure enough not to even bother with the safety person and phone calls. So that's not really a problem for us. We found it curious. If you re-read the OP, you'll see that we don't really have any issue with our own actions. We were asking other tops what they do, and bottoms whether what we do would make them feel safe, and finally whether or not there is a standard thing that is done. Do you want to answer one of those?

Or are you just getting off on snarking at us? Hard to tell, since we don't know you despite your almost 18,000 posts.

Dana

< Message edited by TwoDommeDivas -- 7/14/2008 11:13:04 PM >

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RE: Reassuring subs - 7/14/2008 11:10:56 PM   
Nikolette


Posts: 488
Joined: 10/2/2004
Status: offline 		I am very protective during meeting. I arrange a safe call, and code words to describe different situations, and give my safe call person as much info as possible and CLEAR instructions on what to do if blank happens.

I also bring someone with me.

Its important to me for a lot of reasons. I work hard to ensure that I don't put myself in a vulnerable position to be harmed. Anything can still happen though, thats why I make sure the person knows exactly what to do.

FYI to all: Preditors LOOK for people who have swiss cheese for boundaries. Meaning, if you leave an opening, they spot it and exploit it.

I recommend other subs to take similar precautions, do they follow my suggestions? Who can say. I never notice them completing any safe calls.


< Message edited by Nikolette -- 7/14/2008 11:12:50 PM >

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RE: Reassuring subs - 7/14/2008 11:27:43 PM   
lighthearted


Posts: 1165
Joined: 11/26/2006
Status: offline 		I've always been very private about my extracurricular activities.  it would be out of the norm for me to call a friend and set up a safe call, esp given the nature of the meeting....if my instincts were telling me I needed a "safe call", then I probably wouldn't be going in the first place.

I'm not advocating this point of view, but it could explain why some people are reluctant to set up safe calls.

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RE: Reassuring subs - 7/15/2008 12:21:31 AM   
Nikolette


Posts: 488
Joined: 10/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

if my instincts were telling me I needed a "safe call", then I probably wouldn't be going in the first place


My instincts aren't telling me that I ever "need" a safe call. But I know that dangerous people work very hard to ensure that no red flags pop up. The people that you least suspect are usually the most dangerous ones.

Additionally, you could call someone you know platonically online who is aware of your BDSM interests.

Of course, you're free to do as you will, but I felt compelled to point out the error in the logic of not having a safe call because you think you wouldn't need to use it, IMHO.

In doing trauma counseling, I can't tell you how many times I've heard the phrase something to the effect of: "I just didn't think he'd ever be like that."


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RE: Reassuring subs - 7/15/2008 1:24:48 AM   
hlen5


Posts: 5890
Joined: 3/2/2008
Status: offline 		I think it is disarming to suggest to the sub to set up a safe call (I'm not saying don't suggest it). A resonable assumption could be made that if someone suggested to the sub to set one up, surely they would be above board and OK. A safer and more prudent plan would be to set up the safe call, whether suggested or not. 

(in reply to Nikolette)
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RE: Reassuring subs - 7/15/2008 1:34:54 AM   
Thadius


Posts: 5091
Joined: 10/11/2005
Status: offline 		First let me say this name seems more fitting.

Just out of curiosity, how do you know they aren't placing a call right before they arrive, and then after they leave?

I am not in the practice of playing with folks I don't know, so the issue hasn't really come up for me in this perspective.  However, I do have a single female friend that does meet with people to play, and even with people she has played with the phone rings at least twice, once as she pulls into the driveway, and as soon as she gets in the car.  If she is going to be there longer than expected I get an extra call letting me know.  Part of it is for the safety of the play session, but also to know she didn't get into a car accident.

To each their own.  In the end it could be that your assurance is making them feel safer, or they are just not informing you that they are doing so.

I wish you well,
Thadius

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RE: Reassuring subs - 7/15/2008 2:32:16 AM   
Evility


Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline 		No, I never insisted on anything like that. Since *I* am certain that I am not going to harm them and that they are in no danger there's really no need for me to do that. Safe calls protect you from the unknown. I know they are safe with me. End of story.



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RE: Reassuring subs - 7/15/2008 3:18:08 AM   
corysub


Posts: 1492
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I am coming in late in this discussion but if it's on marital status affecting a D/s relationship or the use of safe calls...I would answer NO and YES. I know there
are 99 out of a 100 reasons why most Domme do not continue a relationship when they find a man to be married.  However, that is exactly my situation and the 1 out of 100 reason for me as a married man to seek out femdom is the strong need that is hard to explain to a plain vanilla wife.  I guess that's it in a nutshell...do I go through the rest
of MY life denying this need or  someday sit in a rocking chair saying "shuda, cuda wuda"...and regret not living my life totally.  It's easy to put things off when you are younger and middle age or old age seems way out in the future...but it comes on faster than you think.
As far as "safe calls"..I think it is VERY important to let a friend or friends know where you might be going and with whom.  It's not only females that have to be concerned about the  nutcases out there..but males as well.  Not much you could do when in bondage and a woman gets out of control.  Been there, done that, and will
try like hell to make sure it never happens again.

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RE: Reassuring subs - 7/15/2008 3:49:32 AM   
persephonee


Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline 		i have met people for the first time for coffee or a meal without a safecall. i do not play without safecalls and i generally continue with them for at least one more session. That being said, i did meet and play with a man within 36 hours and very little conversation as to safety and did so without safecalls as i knew that anyone i had called to say i was playing with someone that soon and that unknown would have harped on me at the very least. The session went fine and ended up with that Dom being a regular playpartner for a while, but i distinctly remember approaching the hotel room thinking...."what am i doing? what am i doing??" i think he disarmed me with a constant stream of comments that encouraged safecalls...idk...it turned out relatively positively but i remember that feeling of being completely vulnerable and in real danger. i wont ever do that again, but thats just me. i also make sure my friends know that i will be their safecall with no questions asked other than the other persons stats etc.

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And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

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RE: Reassuring subs - 7/15/2008 4:18:19 AM   
thishereboi


Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline 		If I trust you enough to play with you, then I don't feel the need for a safe call. To me that is for when you are first getting to know someone and don't have any trust built up.

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This here is the boi formerly known as orfunboi


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RE: Reassuring subs - 7/15/2008 4:20:50 AM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: thishereboi

If I trust you enough to play with you, then I don't feel the need for a safe call. To me that is for when you are first getting to know someone and don't have any trust built up.


a safe word is not always a matter of trust. It is necessary if something goes wrong during a scene that the Dom is not aware of...


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