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but yeah...no dating, no planning, no pretending to be vanilla...just living our lives and being true to ourselves. that's really the way to go imo.

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ORIGINAL: daddysliloneds

generally speaking, the one's i played with and fucked before dating, were good for playing and fucking, but outside of that, i didn't like them very much. 

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ORIGINAL: SterlingDS

So, what're your takes on the issue?   Tell me about your first meetings, were they vanilla, were they D/s?   What was most important to you, how did it feel?

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Most men *loved* to be the prey. Otherwise they wouldn't be on the date in the first place. The challenge was making sure it didn't go too fast.

I found that in almost all cases, men were profoundly relieved to not have to be in control on a date and in matters of fliratation.  It was refreshing and exciting for them.

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ORIGINAL: SterlingDS

So, here's a question for you subs out there.

How do you approach dating?  On the other hand, I know that deep down many submissives have a fantasy of being instantly taken with someone, under their control, owned and feeling wonderful.  The D/s version of true love, if you will.So, what're your takes on the issue?   Tell me about your first meetings, were they vanilla, were they D/s?   What was most important to you, how did it feel?

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ORIGINAL: stella41b

My starting point is neither - it's friendship. Dates seem to be what heterosexuals do, I'm not straight so I just meet up and befriend.

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ORIGINAL: DesFIP

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ORIGINAL: stella41b

My starting point is neither - it's friendship. Dates seem to be what heterosexuals do, I'm not straight so I just meet up and befriend.

Friendship certainly. But if we meet as vanilla friends, negotiating where to go, whose turn to pick a movie, then I don't feel that he's dominant. I need to feel that from him in order to move on. I can't just assume that once I say okay he will be dominant in a way that is compatible with me.

How do you change from the one to the other? Because it's something I can't do and thus don't understand.

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ORIGINAL: greenearth21

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ORIGINAL: SterlingDS

So, here's a question for you subs out there.

How do you approach dating?  On the other hand, I know that deep down many submissives have a fantasy of being instantly taken with someone, under their control, owned and feeling wonderful.  The D/s version of true love, if you will.So, what're your takes on the issue?   Tell me about your first meetings, were they vanilla, were they D/s?   What was most important to you, how did it feel?

I see "dating" as a getting to know someone phase.  Yes, I would only go on a date with someone that I am attracted to, but does not necessarily mean that I want them to dom me in any way.  The 'vanilla' things have to be there, before I can have an interest in them having control over me in any way for however long the period is.  While He and I have gone on outings, everything is very vanilla; i dont walk behind him, I dont call him Sir (and I still cant get myself to call him by his name), but there are things that happen that make me feel his dominance of me; they tend to be more subtle , which I like.  Any man who has to thump his chest and order me around to make me feel submissive to him has no chance.  It's the guy who gives me that 'look' that makes me straighten up that makes my monkey jump.

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ORIGINAL: stella41b

My starting point is neither - it's friendship. Dates seem to be what heterosexuals do, I'm not straight so I just meet up and befriend.

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ORIGINAL: DesFIP

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ORIGINAL: stella41b

My starting point is neither - it's friendship. Dates seem to be what heterosexuals do, I'm not straight so I just meet up and befriend.

Friendship certainly. But if we meet as vanilla friends, negotiating where to go, whose turn to pick a movie, then I don't feel that he's dominant. I need to feel that from him in order to move on. I can't just assume that once I say okay he will be dominant in a way that is compatible with me.

How do you change from the one to the other? Because it's something I can't do and thus don't understand.

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ORIGINAL: AAkasha
You make a good point and I should clarify that in the descriptions I gave, it's in cases where there is clearly chemistry.  In a dating situation, that can be within the first 5 minutes, or it can be after 5 hours, or it can be never.  Chemistry is an odd thing.  Even on totally vanilla dates, I'm sure people can remember times where they had no desire to hold hands or kiss someone new at the start of the date, but by the end, they wanted those things.

Dominance is not something I simply "do."  Dominance is something I feel compelled to do when I am attracted to someone.  I can't express affection or intimacy without dominance.  If I am sitting across from a man and his smile drives me wild, I want to tie him up. I want to pull his hair. I want to say or do something to make him blink and look a little uncertain, nervous.  So it's not a matter of "when is it appropriate" to be dominant, it's a matter of expressing interest in someone.  If a man is not interested in submitting to me, I find that out rather quickly. If he sends signals, or tells me, "I can't go that fast," then I slow down for him.  I guess it's not that different from a vanilla man trying to get a woman into bed.  She may say "I don't do that until I know someone," and that's fine - he'll wait if he's a gentleman.  If a man doesn't want to submit to me, even flitaciously, then I can slow down, but it does take actual effort on my end.

If I am on a date with someone and I don't feel chemistry, I don't want to dominate him, just as a vanilla person doesn't want to kiss, either.  I continue on the date and see if chemistry develops.  I have just as many scenarios where submissive men say, "So how come you are not dominating me? I thought you'd be more controlling," and the truth is that I don't feel that way toward him - yet.  Sometimes it develops, other times it does not.  Sometimes a man walks by me and I want to take him down, just because of something about him.

Akasha

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ORIGINAL: stella41b
In my experience it sort of comes naturally. The thing is you know he's dominant and you're submissive and that's what brought you together. I feel there's a moment which comes and it doesn't need any discussion as it just happens, you're ready and he's ready and it goes from there. A bit like that first embrace, that first kiss, you're nervous as hell, but when you get through it you're like floating on a cloud. I don't know if it makes any sense for it's often something as subtle as an emotional signal, a pause in the conversation, a silence, and it just goes from there.