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RE: Dating before dominance - 7/21/2008 5:51:40 PM

FatBottomdGrl87

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To me the D/s lifestyle is much more intimate than a normal relationship. You really have to trust the other person with your body. I am not going to let some random guy tie me up and spank me, you have to earn my submission.

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RE: Dating before dominance - 7/21/2008 6:19:37 PM

stella41b

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b
In my experience it sort of comes naturally. The thing is you know he's dominant and you're submissive and that's what brought you together. I feel there's a moment which comes and it doesn't need any discussion as it just happens, you're ready and he's ready and it goes from there. A bit like that first embrace, that first kiss, you're nervous as hell, but when you get through it you're like floating on a cloud. I don't know if it makes any sense for it's often something as subtle as an emotional signal, a pause in the conversation, a silence, and it just goes from there.

I think we are agreeing but just using different words. It's a very subtle thing, sometimes as simple as him saying sit here, I'll go order the coffee (at a Starbucks for example). Nothing overpowering or noticable but something I will feel. I think if there hasn't been anything subtle in actions I won't even know if the guy is dominant. I need to feel it and I get it through very subtle cues such as him picking out a table in a cafe.

The fun and games comes later.

Indeed it does.

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RE: Dating before dominance - 7/22/2008 4:05:39 PM

Daes

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I've always treated dates with potential doms the same i would with a vanilla partner or friend. I don't have any expectations, I just go to have a good time and get to know the person. I dont think any less of the 'dom' just because we're in a nilla environment. In fact, I prefer it that way in order to be comfortable.

On these dates though I normally don't initiate any forms of affection, I'm somewhat guarded in that aspect but open up if my date is more aggressive with me >.>

< Message edited by Daes -- 7/22/2008 4:06:12 PM >

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RE: Dating before dominance - 7/23/2008 2:37:46 AM

SaraZeal

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quote:

On these dates though I normally don't initiate any forms of affection, I'm somewhat guarded in that aspect but open up if my date is more aggressive with me >.>

Same here, I'm rather shy and wouldn't dare initiate a first kiss, but would probably respond if he did, however.

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RE: Dating before dominance - 7/23/2008 2:48:02 AM

edgeofdavid

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I was taught the importance of a "silent alarm." This allows me to be spontaneous and go with whatever the Dominant i'm with has planned . That's just me though.

-david

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RE: Dating before dominance - 7/23/2008 3:15:25 AM

julietsierra

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quote:

ORIGINAL: daddysprop247

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b

My starting point is neither - it's friendship. Dates seem to be what heterosexuals do, I'm not straight so I just meet up and befriend.

Friendship certainly. But if we meet as vanilla friends, negotiating where to go, whose turn to pick a movie, then I don't feel that he's dominant. I need to feel that from him in order to move on. I can't just assume that once I say okay he will be dominant in a way that is compatible with me.

How do you change from the one to the other? Because it's something I can't do and thus don't understand.

if you're not vanilla, and he's not vanilla, then the relationship is never going to be "vanilla." you're not going to be vanilla friends and function the way vanilla folks do because that's not who you are to begin with. when my Master and i were nothing more than good friends, he was still himself, which means very assertive and authoratative, very dominant. He would tell me when he would call me and when i would be calling him. He chose the place we first met and when. He wasn't trying to "dom" me, he was just being himself. if a man can only be dominant in a certain situation or within an established D/s relationship, then that would strike me as a man who wasn't really dominant in the first place.

omg daddysprop, I actually agree with you! I once tried explaining that to a man who professed he was a dominant - most of the time. lol... He just did NOT get it.

When my Master and I met, he asked me for a location to meet - not because he couldn't make up his mind, but because he didn't know what places were out this way. Even then, he didn't actually ask me where I wanted to meet. He asked if the restaurant he preferred had a location near me. When I said there was one nearby, his response was "good, we'll meet there then." It was my first indication that just maybe, I'd finally found someone who understood, even without me trying to explain.

We don't "date" either - even though I call it that for lack of a better word - especially around the vanilla people in my life. It's been D/s from the word go, no time off, no jumping between "vanilla" things and "D/s" things. We are who we are. It colors every aspect of our lives, whether we're out to dinner or he has me hanging from a cross.

juliet

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Post #: 46

RE: Dating before dominance - 7/23/2008 4:06:30 PM

CorsetMinx

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Sterling -

I think you're right on track with going out on vanilla excursions first. Dominance is not only demonstrated by immediately getting someone into a scene and playing or being 'taken'. It can be by ordering her coffee or dinner, after kindly asking what she'd be hungry for that evening. It can be shown by the opening of a door, or choosing which direction to go on a walk after the coffee. I think it's by showing the potential sub, be it he or she, that you can confidently make decisions for you both and that you are a trustworthy individual who is conscious of your potential partners desires. Those things portray strength and character to me, things I value in a Dom, more than running into playing right away. Granted, nothing says you can't possessively kiss her after the first date, if you both feel that magic electricity. But you can't play 24/7, so see what they're like and show them confidently who you are when you're just living your life. I think you've got the right idea, and they'll be plenty of subs who'll love you for it.

< Message edited by CorsetMinx -- 7/23/2008 4:07:51 PM >

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RE: Dating before dominance - 7/23/2008 5:52:13 PM

RealSub58

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Dating before dominance

I personally have not ever been able to date a man if he has NO dominance.

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RE: Dating before dominance - 7/23/2008 10:15:47 PM

quinta

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I personally find it hard to submit to someone with out a well established relationship. From reading lots of others post I found many people don't need love before submission, but i guess i'm somewhat of an enigma here because I do need it. Dating to me is not a weakness, but a sign of respect from the Dom...

After the relationship is established, I find i naturally become submissive. From what i've read everyone seems to have a different stance of this though... =)

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RE: Dating before dominance - 7/23/2008 11:58:57 PM

ReynardM

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This is an interesting thread. I gather that the original post and all the comments are about doing a vanilla "date", but one that's been arranged via some kink channels (that is, you know the person is kinky before you arrange the date). But when I first read the post I was assuming it meant real vanilla dating, with no knowledge of the other person's kink status.

I don't know much about either case, but the way I see it the main difficulty with a "kink first" approach is that there just aren't that many prospects. So if I can find someone who I know is submissive, I'm happy to go on a vanilla date, but that's a rather big if. I'm more intrigued by the question of how people introduce the notion of kink into real vanilla dating that didn't originate with an online correspondence via a kink website or whatever.

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RE: Dating before dominance - 7/24/2008 3:00:33 AM

SaraZeal

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quote:

ORIGINAL: quinta

I personally find it hard to submit to someone with out a well established relationship. From reading lots of others post I found many people don't need love before submission, but i guess i'm somewhat of an enigma here because I do need it. Dating to me is not a weakness, but a sign of respect from the Dom...

After the relationship is established, I find i naturally become submissive. From what i've read everyone seems to have a different stance of this though... =)

More or less the same here. He doesn't need to take all control, order everything and decide everything for me to value him, but then again I am not his sub at this point either.

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RE: Dating before dominance - 7/24/2008 8:03:49 AM

urlittleprincess

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Sir and i do alot of vanilla things...and in the beginning it was even more so. it was like slowly getting to know someone...dinners, movies, walks in the park...shopping etc...but rest assured there was a certain dynamic right from the start between us...

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Post #: 52

RE: Dating before dominance - 7/24/2008 3:33:18 PM

silkncarol

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I like the vanilla route...gives you time to get to know them as a person.....without all the posturing that can occur in a lifestyle club, event, etc. I want to share my world with my partner and in reality that encompasses a large amout of time spent in the vanilla world. It also gives me a chance to see how they treat the people around them, the ones they aren't really trying to impress...... are they rude to the waitress, whine or are negative, domineering instead of dominant? Small clues to who they really are......

So you just be who you are...and i'll be who i am...and if we are compatible and want to move forward, the undercurrent of D/s will always be there....no matter what we're doing.

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RE: Dating before dominance - 7/24/2008 4:55:42 PM

MercTech

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A "date" is a place and time you put on your calendar and make sure you are there. Period!
Ok, I get irked by playing the "hidden meanings" and "what does it really mean" game with a simple concept.

You go "one a date" when you have two individuals going to the same place at the same time to do something together.

<putting soapbox away>

I prefer vanilla first with a discussion of what sprinkles to put on next. Or, what flavor to go for next time. Or, just some decent conversation. All is good.

Stefan

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RE: Dating before dominance - 7/24/2008 5:18:14 PM

lally3

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we are not vanilla and whatever date we go on with someone we like and are attracted to, the dynamics of D and s will be there, understated, subtle but evident.

and i think its really important for any starting relationship, if its one where both are looking for long term, to spend time relaxing into each other. that way the D/s develops naturally along with the bond of trust.

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RE: Dating before dominance - 7/24/2008 6:32:54 PM

arc83

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From: Toronto, Ontario
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quote:

I prefer vanilla first with a discussion of what sprinkles to put on next. Or, what flavor to go for next time. Or, just some decent conversation. All is good.

Definitely - I like to know what kind of person they are, besides the fact we share an affinity for whips, chains and collars

A good conversation is important to me. I may want to be a good little subservient pet, but I also want someone to laugh, debate and spend time with - old school that may be.

If I'm going to "turn over the keys to the car", or rather me... I want it to be someone I respect, and who's company I desire.

And no, it's not a sign of weakness that the Dominant isn't large and in charge from the get go. As someone who has a career and a non-kink life, I need to know if they can turn it "off", if needed.

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RE: Dating before dominance - 7/26/2008 6:30:37 PM

opposingtwilight

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I have no interest in really submitting to someone I know nothing about. For me, surrender is inspired. However, I do not equate 'play' with sex. Just because I'm willing to submit to some things doesn't mean I want to submit to all things. I tend to give over control a little at a time as the relationship grows.

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RE: Dating before dominance - 7/27/2008 2:42:59 PM

babydoe87

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I've done both.

The person that I've been 'dating' (a Dom) I met at a play party. We did some play at the party and then he invited me out for dinner the following week.

I think it was important to have that dinner date because it confirmed that the chemistry was there whether or not we were playing. Luckily, he's a great guy and we really get a long outside of our D/s endeavors. I don't view his 'vanilla' side as weakness, rather on the contrary, it makes him even sexier when he takes control and I see that side of him again.

I've generally met people before in vanilla settings. I think this is just better because if I don't click with someone in general our play is usually not very fun.

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RE: Dating before dominance - 7/27/2008 2:46:13 PM

crazione

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I am with you guys on this. I want to make sure there is some kind of connection out of the bedroom before I rush in to anything. Maybe that is nieve on my part, but I believe that there is more to life than just sex...

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RE: Dating before dominance - 7/28/2008 8:53:56 AM

roland23

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I might be old-fashioned but I like to date. Coffee, dinner or a movie or perhaps something else. I prefer subs who are very feminine and a date gives them the opportunity to dress up. After a few dates, however I prefer something more substantial.

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