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to be looking again~ - 7/26/2008 11:40:32 AM

berdachegirl

Posts: 10
Joined: 6/22/2008
Status: offline

hello A/all...

looking for advice here... just leaving a M/s relationship... my first... and its been a while so I am not sure what to expect. I remember before I was found I kinda attended the odd party, spent a little time with friends and got to experience play maybe twice a year.... Now I am going back into that realm and I find myself unsure of what to expect. I know a few kinky people in our small community and would like to meet more, but I find I don't know how to go about asking to spend time with them. I don't wish to be crude, but I am worried I come off as desperate by asking to hang out too often. I am hoping to be friends and maybe play a bit... not exactly looking to jump into a full relationship unless one comes about. I am also overcoming a handicap in introversion... any suggestions would be appreciated.

~berdachegirl~

Post #: 1

RE: to be looking again~ - 7/26/2008 12:45:32 PM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

The hardest part is getting out there. It will probably be uncomfortable, but take opportunities to hang out -- even initiate some gatherings yourself (when I'm feeling introverted, and know that I need to get out, I like the option of throwing a party -- it keeps the control in my hands), and invite the people you know to bring along someone that they know... this will broaden your circle of acquaintances over time, and, with any luck, will also broaden your circle of friends and your opportunities to enjoy yourself.

Calla Firestorm

< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 7/26/2008 12:46:28 PM >

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

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(in reply to berdachegirl)

Post #: 2

RE: to be looking again~ - 7/26/2008 2:29:00 PM

WhisperSupremacy

Posts: 74
Joined: 4/7/2008
Status: offline

You've got more guts than me. I'm single and searching again and I litterally don't know one single person in the community. I suppose I could check into it, but I always get lazy and settle for some vanilla date which probably isn't going to do much for me in the long run, but fuck it.... when the time comes, it'll come. I'm not that worried about it.

I do wish you the best of luck on your search though. Like Firestorm said, take the opportunities and run with them.

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 3

RE: to be looking again~ - 7/26/2008 2:29:54 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Next time don't lose touch with your old friends.

Okay, the people you used to hang with, call them up and apologize for dropping them while you were in a relationship. Ask if they'd like to get together. If a bunch are all free, play board games. Just re-establish the friendships first. The rest will come in time.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 4

RE: to be looking again~ - 7/26/2008 3:43:55 PM

OldBastardly1

Posts: 651
Joined: 7/22/2006
From: Atlanta, GA
Status: offline

Just pretend that you are the princess at Disneyland and everybody & everything there is quite simply there for you and your pleasure. It IS your party, dammit. Nothing to fear that way.

Have fun and use good common sense.

_____________________________

Old Bastard

"You cannot make footprints in the sands of time if you're sitting on your butt. And who wants to make buttprints in the sands of time?" -- Bob Moawad

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 5

RE: to be looking again~ - 7/28/2008 9:22:17 AM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline

This is an Interesting question and I am amazed that this thread isn't 6 pages long already.

The Single Life..... that is to say in the BDSM realm, in my opinion, SUCKS ASS.

Going from a 24/7 TPE or even a Weekend Play Partner to being by yourself sucks it is bad for both sides Dom and sub but I think it can be even harder on the sub.

The sub is uaually brought to functions not usually invited and often the friendships are formed among the Dominants and the play pary circuit is often governed by the Sadists, yes there are ewxceptions to these rules however in 10 years this has been how I have seen it almost without fail.

So as a sub who finds themselves single who's only friends were those of thier now former Master there can be questionable animosity and fear that comes with getting involved again. I know that where as when I say this I am sure there will be hundreds of stories where the opposite is true in most cases when two people in a community break up one tends to eventually dissappear from the scene they shared with thier partner and migrate to another scene. I know there are exceptions but like I said I have seen more people break up and one dissapear then both remain.

So what do you do?

Well firstly.... Deal with you. If you are hurt then take the time to mend those wounds rather then finding a play partner and drowning them in subspace.

Then MAKE FRIENDS!! Actual FRIENDS, not possible sexual contacts *(Unless you are like me and all friends can be sexual contacts :-D)* Make connections and NETWORK in your community. Don't just be seen as "Oh that's whats-his-names girl" Be known as "Oh that's berdachegirl"

Don't Take the very next collar that is offered, don't jump into the very next situation you come across, and don't give anyone the impression that you are desperate for a playmate. All this does is bring about the Vultures and Swing Dicks. If you are interested in someone get to know them but for gods sakes don't ingnore the rest of the world just because you like someone.

And in my opinion some of the best advice I was ever given:

"To Feel alone when by yourself is to be in Bad Company.

If you don't like being with you then why would anyone else?"

"If you want to meet someone that will fit perfectly in your world,

Meet them while doing something you already love to do,

at least then you start out knowing you already have something in common."

I have live by these words, it is how I met my wife and how I started loving myself, and not expecting to feel loved only when someone loved me.

This isn't exactly BDSM this really applies to EVERY Relationship, but then again any advice worth giving usually does.

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to OldBastardly1)

Post #: 6

RE: to be looking again~ - 7/28/2008 10:50:51 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

Steel if all of your friends are sexual contacts then pretend that you don't know me. To the op. Patience.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 7

RE: to be looking again~ - 7/28/2008 10:57:17 AM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline

Come on now Raymond. Don't you find me even the littlest bit attractive.

I realize how that came out now that I said it and I know what I meant even if I can't quite explain it right.

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 8

RE: to be looking again~ - 7/28/2008 10:59:32 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

Steel your starting to sound like Yogi Berra

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 9

RE: to be looking again~ - 7/28/2008 11:05:40 AM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline

See now I wanted to make a Pic-a-nic Basket or Boo Boo Joke but realized that most people would believe I had no Idea who Yogi Berra Was.

At times making a good joke when you are young can be lost when people see you as being young.

Thanks for the Laugh Raymond.

Steel

< Message edited by SteelofUtah -- 7/28/2008 11:57:09 AM >

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to berdachegirl)

Post #: 10

RE: to be looking again~ - 7/28/2008 11:10:36 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

Good grief. Not yogi bear. Yogi berra the baseball player. He is on the aflack commercials. You need help.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 11

RE: to be looking again~ - 7/28/2008 11:24:23 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

This is going to sound a bit odd, but I'm going to give you the same advice I would mention for those who are looking for a partner.

When you are getting back into the swing of things, don't go to events and socials with the mindset of expecting to find what you are looking for. Go with hope, but not expectations. Let things happen the way they are going to happen when you meet folks. Get to know them and let them get to know you. Things will progress naturally.

For what it's worth, a great way to help with that introversion is to be willing to help set up before events and clean up after events. The people who put these little things together always need an extra set of hands, and it will give you a chance to get to know the organizers. That's a big plus when wanting to branch out and meet other people.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 12

RE: to be looking again~ - 7/29/2008 12:05:27 AM

berdachegirl

Posts: 10
Joined: 6/22/2008
Status: offline

My problem lays in the community being very small (or largely closeted). I know about half of those who get out in the community, and would like to get to know the other half as well. I am still friends with my former owner, which is hard, but there is no animosity in the group. I just have a hard time getting to know people, or even getting to know my friends better. Its not that I fell out of contact with people, I just never really was experienced at it. She worked hard at breaking my shell, and now that Her and I are not able to be close anymore I still wish to keep that shell from sealing, and hope to extend that openness and warmth with others.

I don't expect to find someone again, its a small community... but I do want to try. Even if its just as friends with little or no play~

*hugs*
~berdachegirl~

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 13

RE: to be looking again~ - 7/29/2008 3:07:38 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

LadyPact hit apon a great ideal. Offer to help the ones who set up the events. They are the ones who will know most of the people. They may know someone who is just right for you.

(in reply to berdachegirl)

Post #: 14

RE: to be looking again~ - 7/29/2008 5:28:26 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

I was going to say I can completely relate with being in a small community.. then I looked at your location. :( You really are in a dilemma. Well.. my advice would be the same. You need to make it out there for every event. I have trouble here too, and though I dont really play, I do try to get out and socialize. I dont expect to find another partner in my life, but I do hope to play again sometime. I make an effort to get out and each time I drop some of that natural resistance against playing. I have made small steps everytime out. And even if I dont play, I try to walk around and chat up everyone. Over the last year I have even gone out to a local bar with some of my members. That is something I have avoided in the past and plan to make another night out soon.

The only thing you can do in a small community is keep on, get out, be seen, and make yourself interact with everyone.
Good luck
Kyst

(in reply to berdachegirl)

Post #: 15

RE: to be looking again~ - 7/29/2008 8:42:12 PM

berdachegirl

Posts: 10
Joined: 6/22/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

LadyPact hit apon a great ideal. Offer to help the ones who set up the events. They are the ones who will know most of the people. They may know someone who is just right for you.

Whilst it is good advice, and thankyou LadyPact (as well as all of you), right now I am the one setting up the munches... and did help set up the two parties we have had this year ;) What can I say, I just like helping out!

I think a lot of it is confidence and self-faith. I can't let myself be afraid of being the shy kid in the corner again... as long as I don't actually end up there again! I tend to get shy in groups larger than three, and what I am really afraid of is getting out into the crowd and making a fool of myself... but I dont like ending up as what amounts to background decor. My Owner helped me a lot with that just by being with me... I just hope I dont loose all that.

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 16

RE: to be looking again~ - 7/29/2008 9:43:15 PM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

Volunteer to help out at events, and with playspace work.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to berdachegirl)

Post #: 17

RE: to be looking again~ - 7/29/2008 10:06:59 PM

berdachegirl

Posts: 10
Joined: 6/22/2008
Status: offline

what is playspace work? I have not heard the term before...

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 18

RE: to be looking again~ - 7/29/2008 10:10:45 PM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

We have a play club in the seattle area that is quite active. There are quite a few people who volunteer as payment to get in with the fees waived on dungeon nights. And quite a few male and female subs who volunteer to help with cleaning and working on imporoving the place during off hours. It gives them quite a good reason to hang around and meet people,and some respect too.

< Message edited by Leatherist -- 7/29/2008 10:11:08 PM >

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to berdachegirl)

Post #: 19

RE: to be looking again~ - 7/29/2008 10:36:09 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: berdachegirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

LadyPact hit apon a great ideal. Offer to help the ones who set up the events. They are the ones who will know most of the people. They may know someone who is just right for you.

Whilst it is good advice, and thankyou LadyPact (as well as all of you), right now I am the one setting up the munches... and did help set up the two parties we have had this year ;) What can I say, I just like helping out!

I think a lot of it is confidence and self-faith. I can't let myself be afraid of being the shy kid in the corner again... as long as I don't actually end up there again! I tend to get shy in groups larger than three, and what I am really afraid of is getting out into the crowd and making a fool of myself... but I dont like ending up as what amounts to background decor. My Owner helped me a lot with that just by being with me... I just hope I dont loose all that.

First, Raymond, let Me thank you for seconding the idea.

Funny thing about service to the community. It doesn't allow you to regress. If you have a commitment to working on local events, and you take it seriously, that dedication tends to overcome that shy kid in the corner. Knowing your work, on whatever level is important, allows you to get past all of that. Before you know it, that shy kid gets further and further away.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to berdachegirl)

Post #: 20

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