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Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks, ki... - 7/30/2008 9:43:19 PM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

I became attracted to this "lifestyle" because I love
the Domination/submission side of the coin.
I always state up front that I am heavily into the D/s side,
and less into the S/m side...to attempt to clear up confusion.

That said, there are a fair amount of activities that at this stage of the game,
that I have zero interest in.

A fair amount of "submissives" that I have run into and I have, what I am going to call
"mis-matched kinks", kink levels and/or activities."
In most cases, I don't feel that I am suitable for that type of person.
I would love to ask the following questions...especially in terms of committed/long term relationships.

"How many Dominants run into submissives
in which you have mis-match kinks, kink levels and/or
activities that you both tend to enjoy?
and...
"How many submissives run into Dominants
in which you have mis-match kinks, kink levels, and/or
activities that you both tend to enjoy?

Have you been or are in relationships with much different "kink" levels or activities and interests?
How has that worked out for you?
**Especially, in terms of long term, committed/ relationships?**
I hope I have been able to articulate clearly the questions that I am asking.
Thanks in advance!

< Message edited by MzMia -- 7/30/2008 9:51:55 PM >

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

Post #: 1

RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/30/2008 10:35:57 PM

houseboy4Who

Posts: 1
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline

Dear Mz Mia,

Every relationship I have been in has been a mismatch on one level or the other. Either I wanted a little “kink” and they didn’t, or they wanted A LOT of kink, and I Hate Pain! Actually I think that in every relationship “kink” or “vanilla” there are always mismatch differences.

For me, one of the aspects that I have found as a mismatch is that most women or Mistresses actually do not deep down believe they deserve to be treated well. They feel guilty when someone serves their meals, scrubs their floor and shines their shoes. Some feel that they are failures if they cannot do this along with everything else. However with enough time, consideration, patience and a lot of luck, I have been able to let some women realize how it is not a failure to have someone do these things, in fact it is something to be admired. After all the Super Rich and the Super Powerful do not feel lessened because they don’t scrub their own toilets. Instead they enjoy the time they are given by allowing someone else to do the “shit work”. So yes, in my experience some of the mismatches can also be overcome.

The only way that I have found to make any relationship work is communication, compromise, respect (yes even for slaves), and the ability to enjoy what each one has to offer. For most of us, there is no ONE person that can satisfy every desire and need, so we should always look long and hard at the positive points our partner has, and continue to reinforce those points in our own minds. This simple fact helps one get through those times when we wish we could have more from them. It is only the imagination that can offer all, and then I’m not so sure.

For me, on the kink side, I have also asked any dominant that I have had the pleasure of serving, to go out and find others that enjoy the masochistic ways, and then they can go and derive great pleasure giving all the impact play they desire, and coming home to my kissing of their feet and giving them a massage… or whatever else they may desire.

I guess after all this rambling what I am trying to say is, there are always mismatches, no one is perfect (not even the best of Mistresses… but I didn’t say that did I?), and defiantly not even the best and most loyal of slaves. Don’t get stuck on the differences, but instead celebrate the commonality and if your relationship is capable and it is mutually acceptable, go find someone for the other play if it is important enough. But do not loose site of the wonderful gift of a partial match that is in the hand.

Thank you for taking the time to read my very biased personal opinion,
Humbly,
houseboy

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 2

RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/30/2008 10:41:40 PM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

Thank you so much for a giving me such a thoughtful
and very well expressed response.
I agree that in every relationships, there will be a certain degree
of "mis-match".
I guess a lot of it comes down to how much both parties are committed
to making the relationship, WORK.
Congratulations on your first post, I hope we see more of you on the message boards.

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to houseboy4Who)

Post #: 3

RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/30/2008 11:12:59 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Believe it or not, this has been on My own mind lately.

Often, I have tried to reconcile the difference between clip and Myself. It is not an easy task. I have often wondered if I am a "Dominant plus" on My own laurels or a "Mistress minor". I am somewhere in a shade of gray. It is harder than most people might think. I am torn at times. There are moments, such as this, that I have many questions, not only of him, but also of Myself.

On a kink level, an exploration level, we match, It's a beautiful thing. To take one so willing, so accepting, so adventurous is wonderful. This boy has never said no to Me if I would want to take us further into what play can bring. The openness is wonderful. There are times, I think, there are no boundaries. My will is good enough. When I see him, there are endless possibilities to explore

Yet, I remember. This boy is not Mine alone. It is a curse, in a sense. I deal with it daily. At the moment, the absence hurts just now, so I will say no more.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 4

RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/30/2008 11:17:18 PM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

Thank you so much for your reply LadyPact!

I often don't think about the challenges that exist in established relationships.
Hummmm
Thank you for sharing, you have given me even more food for thought!
I can tell you miss your guy's, hang in there!

< Message edited by MzMia -- 7/30/2008 11:28:32 PM >

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 5

RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/30/2008 11:31:56 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Thank you. I would hope that My perspective lends to the discussion.

yours,

LP

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 6

RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/31/2008 2:45:40 AM

angelslave77

Posts: 478
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline

Sir and I are pretty well matched, on almost every kink level and level of expierence whch works really well for us.
My previous Dom was a very bad match for me, he was pretty much a bedroom Dom only and even then he pretty much wanted to deliver just a little pain here and there. Now there is nothing wrong with that dont get me wrong, but I knew in myself it was NEVER going to work, I needed so much more both in terms of the day to day D/s as well as much heavier kink/pain.

So for me personally there has to be a high degree of kink compatibility for it to work out

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 7

RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/31/2008 2:59:07 AM

Evility

Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia
Have you been or are in relationships with much different "kink" levels or activities and interests? How has that worked out for you? **Especially, in terms of long term, committed/ relationships?** I hope I have been able to articulate clearly the questions that I am asking.

I've been there and I did not enjoy it. My ex had a handful of "no fly" zones and it was fine when we were a monogamous closed loop. She then suggested that we have an open poly relationship and after some lengthy discussion we agreed to travel that route. I met my submissive during that time and she didn't have any of the same boundaries. My "kink level" (as you call it) subsequently rose in response to this blank palette that I was now presented with. It was very difficult to ramp down and change gears from play with my submissive to play with my ex.

If I were to find my self unpartnered and looking again I feel I would certainly seek out another who allowed my the same freedom that my submissive does. I'm not encouraged that I would find someone else like that and hopefully I will never have to go there.

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 8

RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/31/2008 4:43:46 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

My ex husband was very much into tradtitional ds, head of the household, god of the house kink. Except for having taken my virginity with my hands secured, the physical kink was only sporatic. He was a controlling, demanding, and had issues with women. He has been married 4 times since. I would not do that type of relationship again.
My first experience after him was more sadism than ds, it was fun but only superficially.
Then I met Steve, my first real love and relationship. That was DS, he controlled me as if it was his right, there was physical kink as well. We were together for 5 yrs straight, and then on and off for 20 years while he did military service. I met the most recent x 9 yrs ago. Ours was also ds and sm, it was fun, it was satisfying and unforgettable. It lasted until I pulled back so that he could deal with life issues I could not be part of.
The last two were lifetime and both men remain in my life.
I need all of it. ds. bdsm. sm. It needs to be the package for me to be content.
Kyst

< Message edited by Missokyst -- 7/31/2008 4:48:01 AM >

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 9

RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/31/2008 5:08:36 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

Much sad experience has taught me that there are areas where compromise is not possible. There are things that I absolutely NEED from a relationship with a submissive, and things that I don't have the desire to give into or tolerate. That's why I am so aggressively up front with what I am and am NOT. I need a pain guy---someone who *enjoys* it, not just puts up with it. I am not into things like CD/sissy and humiliation play. Not happening. Add to that the practical things I need, like respect, affection, etc, and well---it's best to just move on quickly when there isn't a match!

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 10

RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/31/2008 5:12:22 AM

SoulPiercer

Posts: 374
Joined: 5/27/2007
Status: offline

I meet submissives that are a mis-match every day. I just don't enter a relationship with them. However, it took me awhile to learn the secret.

I've had two committed relationships where it turned out after a year or so that we were a mismatch. Back then I didn't ask the right questions. At first, every subject I talked about made their eyes glaze over with joy. As a result, I got involved with two people who supposedly shared my kinks but after a while, the novelty wore off for them, because as in many cases, the fantasy is much more attractive than the reality.

In my current relationship, kimmie and I are a perfect match, as scary as that sounds. We fit on all levels, BD DS SM and romantic. Neither of us is afraid of the other rejecting our newest kinky desire. Not only that, but she is often the one who asks about trying new things. Just a few days ago she sent me link about Wax Play . Yay!! Daddy's gettin' candles for Christmas!

_____________________________

Do you have any idea how many bones you have left for me to break? - Batman

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 11

RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/31/2008 6:54:20 AM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Evility

quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia
Have you been or are in relationships with much different "kink" levels or activities and interests? How has that worked out for you? **Especially, in terms of long term, committed/ relationships?** I hope I have been able to articulate clearly the questions that I am asking.

I've been there and I did not enjoy it. My ex had a handful of "no fly" zones and it was fine when we were a monogamous closed loop. She then suggested that we have an open poly relationship and after some lengthy discussion we agreed to travel that route. I met my submissive during that time and she didn't have any of the same boundaries. My "kink level" (as you call it) subsequently rose in response to this blank palette that I was now presented with. It was very difficult to ramp down and change gears from play with my submissive to play with my ex.

If I were to find my self unpartnered and looking again I feel I would certainly seek out another who allowed my the same freedom that my submissive does. I'm not encouraged that I would find someone else like that and hopefully I will never have to go there.

Thank you all for some great and honest answers.
I came into this "lifestyle" with core needs and values, that have not and will not change.
Hopefully, by a certain age/stage you have an idea of what will make you happy, in a
long, term relationship.
At this stage of the game, I am not willing to be in a relationship with someone with VERY
different kink levels/ and needs.
We don't have to match exactly {that is not even possible}, but we need to at least be on the
same page.

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to Evility)

Post #: 12

RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/31/2008 7:17:20 AM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

All the time, I have more kinks and fetishes than carter has little pills.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 13

RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/31/2008 7:25:22 AM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

All the time, I have more kinks and fetishes than carter has little pills.

Many of us do Leatherist, even MzMia

The question is, "Can you have a long term relationship with a submissive partner,
who is basically a kinky mis-match?
Can that relationship really go the {life parther}/long term distance?
**Long term to me is normally at least over 2 years.** .

< Message edited by MzMia -- 7/31/2008 7:30:43 AM >

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 14

RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/31/2008 7:27:47 AM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

All the time, I have more kinks and fetishes than carter has little pills.

Many of us do Leatherist, even MzMia
The question is, "Can you have a long term relationship with a submissive partner,
who is basically a kinky mis-match?
Can that relationship really go the distance?

Probably not-unless she eventully yields the hard limits that would frustrate me. Which is why "negotiated D/s" would only work for me in the context of at least a kink match.

I'd be seeking a servant who trusted my judgement enough to give blanket consent otherwise.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 15

RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/31/2008 7:46:16 AM

tammystarm

Posts: 3045
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline

Hello to all Doms and subs,
i posted this question in the wrong forum before. Its so hard for me now, as my Master is an amazing Man, perfect in everything but, what can i say im a pain addict. i want marks that last when He goes away until He comes back. He doesn't like inflicting that kind of pain. It's tearing me apart. One hand love Him He is great to me and my children, i couldn't ask for more and on the other hand, im left empty.
So my dear i wish You the best in finding your answer sweetie. Peace Love and Harmony to all kisses ~t~

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 16

RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/31/2008 7:57:07 AM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tammystarm

Hello to all Doms and subs,
i posted this question in the wrong forum before. Its so hard for me now, as my Master is an amazing Man, perfect in everything but, what can i say im a pain addict. i want marks that last when He goes away until He comes back. He doesn't like inflicting that kind of pain. It's tearing me apart. One hand love Him He is great to me and my children, i couldn't ask for more and on the other hand, im left empty.
So my dear i wish You the best in finding your answer sweetie. Peace Love and Harmony to all kisses ~t~

Welcome tammy, I can feel the anguish in your post.
{{{{{I am sorry for your pain.}}}}}
This is a perfect example of what I am talking about.
I am not in a position to comment on your situation with your Master,
but I hope you both find the peace and happiness you both deserve.
Peace and love and harmony to you also.
{{{{I am also sending you a big cyber hug.}}}}

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to tammystarm)

Post #: 17

RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/31/2008 8:01:10 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

Mz Mia,
I think our relationship would qualify as "long term".

There are a few "mis-matches" in our "kinks". They don't get in the way. The reference of 'Master' and 'slave' are used by us as shortcut references providing other people a benchmark for the side of the flogger each of us prefer. However, as I've said in the past, we both serve and we serve deeply; 'slaves' if you would to the relationship we formed. There are no limits to that service, no boundaries.

Any sensation that the other wants to experience that isn't something "enjoyed" by both becomes a function of that 'service'. There isn't any guilt involved, or resentment. Participation becomes pleasurable through the understanding that relationship is served and strengthened through the act; whatever it is. We're both confident that nothing the other wants, and can do, will have a negative effect on US.

Now there really aren't many things either of us seek out or enjoy without the other. In fact, off the top of our heads, I can't think of any. We mirror and compliment each other's kinks quite well. Fortunately we also share an insatiable appetite and passion for sex. And we do consider any WIITWD activity sexual. In fact we refer to our 24/7 lifestyle as 24/7 foreplay, 24/7 fun.

Any sensation or experience that the other wants is viewed not as a problem but as an opportunity for the relationship to go deeper and grow.

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 18

RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/31/2008 8:15:27 AM

tammystarm

Posts: 3045
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline

Hello and thank You MzMia im sure it will be fine. My biggest problem is a horrid thought i have that wouldn't work anyway. My mind (so evil that it is) keeps saying ; Ok so keep Mr. Wonderful and fun, and find Mr. Seriously Twisted to fill in the gaps! Now You don't know me, but i could never do that, so SO sighs. My thoughts even run to the idea of He and i eventaully becoming poly (which when i kinda steered toward that He cleary stated no way in hell ~~rats darnit!!~) SO again ....... what's a gal to do...... make my own welts the moment He leaves and pretend that He is the one who made them when He comes back and exams them? No....... outta ideas here MzMia any thoughts? ~~many kisses darling~ O and how in the world do i get that disgusting lil cone of vanilla off and put something a bit more realistic on?

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 19

RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/31/2008 8:38:20 AM

tammystarm

Posts: 3045
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline

aha never mind, (feeling a bit ditzy here) must be the need. i did in fact figure it out.....

(in reply to tammystarm)

Post #: 20

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