DavidS8ist
Posts: 97
Joined: 7/8/2004
From: NY
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quote:
ORIGINAL: elleelisa
<snip>
Am I a sub though? I'm not really sure. I'm definitely not submimssive in real life-- in fact I am a total control freak who loves independence and hates it when things don't go as planned. Once someone has my trust and love, they really have it though. I have high expectations and expect the same from those around me.
Recently I had a multiple hook-up with this guy and I told him about my interest in submission and he was like, " I'm TOTALLY dominant." But then in the bedroom, I just sort of felt like I was in some sort of unfortunate, airbrushed porn. It wasn't as authentic as my previous experience, but probably because the guy wasn't really into the dominant lifestyle-- he just called me a slut and pulled my hair. The other man made me... respect him and allow him to take control of me. I suppose a lot of it has to do with love as well... ideally I want to be in a relationship with someone, first and foremost, and then I want to be his sub.
Anyhow, on top of that there are a lot of "no"s on my list of things I don't accept in bed and a lot of issues with being someone's sub that make me question whether or not I'm "cut out for it." For example, I'm not the type of woman who doesn't mind not being pleased in bed... I MIND. And I have a phobia of blood, so anything involving needles, or extreme pain doesn't work for me. I wouldn't lick the sole of someone's shoe and am very much adverse to ingesting anything but food... there are other things and issues with having a relationship in general, but all in all I still feel like I am inherently submissive.. *sigh* it's awfully confusing.
& I'm rambling.. Any help/ advice/ thoughts/ similar situation is greatly appreciated!
Stop.
Stop right there.
Take a deep breath and count to, oh, I don't know, about a trillion.
Now, start deleting IM's. And walk to the mirror and look into it. And read your post to the person looking back at you in the mirror. Because *SHE* can answer all the questions you have.
What are you? What do you want? What are you looking for in a relationship? What kind of man (or woman or zucchini) will please you? You know all these answers. Don't expect a bunch of strangers to answer those questions for you.
But stop making the first step spreading your legs. Stop expecting everyone who says they're "a dom" or that they're looking for "a sub" to be "right". They're guys looking to nail a very attractive woman. And you're letting them.
So make them work for it. Make them show you their chops first. Make them make you feel submissive to *them* first. Try dating. There's a concept. You must have heard of it: You know, a movie, dinner, coffee at Starbuck's, maybe a good-night kiss. Make them make you feel like you can't *not* submit before you do them.
Look, I'm a child of the 70's Single's Scene in New York. I've nothing against jumping into bed with a total stranger, then asking her her name on the way out the next morning. And if that works for you, do it. But if you're looking to explore a dynamic of disparate authority, you can't do it jumping clit-first into relationships. I hate to sound "preachy", but it has to happen brain-first.
You already have enough ideas about what you will and won't do, will and won't consider, will and won't accept. I'd suggest you find the person who makes all those "will and won'ts" disappear. And that, Elle, will take a lot of work on your part.
Remember: One of the definitions of "insanity" is precisely repeating the same activity expecting a different result.
D.
"You don't know how to get something done on the ground until somebody's shot at and tried to kill you on the ground. Then you get the joke."
- Col. Jack Jacobs [ret.]
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RE: Confused about what I "am" exactly - 
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RE: Confused about what I "am" exactly - 
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