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RE: Married Dominates - 8/4/2008 8:36:11 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: patina

Realize you will not share any holidays with him, no vacation times those are for his (FAMILY) you are a side issue. Even if the wife knows and agrees to his having a slave on the side. If he has kids it will be worse. Married dom's are not a good idea.

patina

Says who? My sub was right here with us last Thanksgiving. All of us spent time together at Christmaas. When there was a trip planned for My birthday, we went as a family of three. I worked on Easter, but My sub was at our home for the weekend. My kids know he is part of the family and so do his.

Don't paint all married people in this lifestyle with the same brush. Not all of us are lying, cheating, or sneaking in some way. Some of us know the difference between 'a thing on the side' and bringing a submissive into the family.

The OP clearly stated that he is not being honest with his wife......

So no, she won't be spending holidays or vacations with him. She'll get the crumbs of his time and he'll lie about why he has to cancel last minute and call when his wife leaves the house for 5 minutes so that he can get a quickee.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 21

RE: Married Dominates - 8/4/2008 8:50:41 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

First, you have to identify why you don't trust them. From your comment, it implies that you don't trust them to be truthful to you because you have obsered them being untruthful to someone else in their life who hold a similar role to yours. Once you identify the source, the two of you can start working to establish a base there.

But, know, due to your statement, most of us will say, "When they bite you, remember that you knew they were a snake before you picked them up."

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
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(in reply to WasHisPet)

Post #: 22

RE: Married Dominates - 8/4/2008 9:26:48 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: patina

Realize you will not share any holidays with him, no vacation times those are for his (FAMILY) you are a side issue. Even if the wife knows and agrees to his having a slave on the side. If he has kids it will be worse. Married dom's are not a good idea.

patina

Says who? My sub was right here with us last Thanksgiving. All of us spent time together at Christmaas. When there was a trip planned for My birthday, we went as a family of three. I worked on Easter, but My sub was at our home for the weekend. My kids know he is part of the family and so do his.

Don't paint all married people in this lifestyle with the same brush. Not all of us are lying, cheating, or sneaking in some way. Some of us know the difference between 'a thing on the side' and bringing a submissive into the family.

The OP clearly stated that he is not being honest with his wife......

So no, she won't be spending holidays or vacations with him. She'll get the crumbs of his time and he'll lie about why he has to cancel last minute and call when his wife leaves the house for 5 minutes so that he can get a quickee.

However, the first comment in the above says something different, mentioning that even if the spouse knows. There are a lot of us out there who are fully open about these things. It's not a question of being honest because the SO is kept informed.

Don't misunderstand Me. I'm actually one of the people with the harshest opinions about not being honest about a dynamic that's outside of a marriage. The very reason for that is because I know that these things are workable. There can be a huge difference between the two.

To the OP, here's what you do. You ask yourself some questions.

Is talking to the spouse an option?

Have you ever been in his home when his SO was present?

Does the SO know about you?

If the answer to these questions are no, you probably already know your other answer.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 23

RE: Married Dominates - 8/4/2008 9:46:52 PM

Emperor1956

Posts: 2370
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline

Well aren't we a bunch of close minded, snippy, nasty little people? In fact, I have a strong marriage, I do not lie to My wife, and I have a deep loving relationship with My baby girl. We have shared holidays and other time with a "third person". It is not a relationship of an "also ran". Further, we don't lie to or about eachother. We also respect boundaries, and some of those boundaries may be that we don't confront the third person in a triad with every little detail about the actions between two of the three. Oh, and we respect eachother enough to trust eachother and NOT go sniveling to a group of close minded, snippy nasty little people who choose to criticise what they clearly don't know and don't understand.

KatyLied and Christine, I'm sorry to see you both post such negative comments. I thought both of you had a better understanding of the variety of D/s relationships and could understand a poly arrangement, even if you chose not to enter into it. I sense some real bitterness in your comments, and that is sad, but I also think you might rethink your positions as having been (apparently) involved in less-than-open relationships.

Patina, "leadership" (hah, THERE'S a misnomer!), Steven and OSide--you are just idiots, talking thru your collective asses. Who are you to interpret the marriage vows that two people you know NOTHING about may have made, and then cast stones? I only hope you are standing in a circle, so that the poor offenders in the middle can duck and you will knock eachother out. And don't say "OH, but I was only addressing the OP" because your comments clearly show an unbecoming dislike of poly relationships, notwithstanding the OP's concerns.

and Huntertn...just because you screwed it up, doesn't mean we all do.

Like LadyPact, I am probably MORE disdainful of liars within their relationships because of my open relationship. That is why I won't be a part of a hidden relationship where the submissive is "cheating" -- I have done it, and didn't like it. But I'll go further in that what I, or anyone else, think of someone's relationship choices is really irrelevant. What matters is the honesty between the people involved, and ONLY between those people.

E.

"Ya gotta stand for something, or you'll fall for anything."

Edited to add darksteven to the idiot list, and the stoning metaphor. I personally liked it...very Shirley Jackson-ish.

E.

< Message edited by Emperor1956 -- 8/4/2008 9:52:24 PM >

_____________________________

"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 24

RE: Married Dominates - 8/4/2008 10:02:49 PM

Quivver

Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

Baaah Baaah Bahhh.... The sheep mentality is quite prevalent on this subject, always is. Bottom line is do you trust yourself to make a mature decision in regard to what YOU want.

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to Emperor1956)

Post #: 25

RE: Married Dominates - 8/5/2008 2:36:30 AM

Evility

Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline

They can never be trusted again. Nobody who has ever cheated on someone has ever been capable of another viable relationship ever in their life. They are pariahs. We need to find some planet to ship them to so we can be rid of them.

*rolls eyes*

(in reply to WasHisPet)

Post #: 26

RE: Married Dominates - 8/5/2008 3:54:50 AM

Nikolette

Posts: 488
Joined: 10/2/2004
Status: offline

Since you asked how does one trust when the person you are supposed to trust is not being truthful with a spouse or Sig O....

I'm curious how you arrived at that conclusion? Did he/she out right tell you? Or did you figure it out on your own? That will probably tell you a lot.

First of all: There is ALWAYS a way to tell the truth. One merely has to be strong enough and have enough integrity to make their own life less pleasant to do so. That can be hard.

I'm going to refer to this person as "he" since your profile name says "his"... anyway...

If he told you the truth, you have a minor nugget to go on. This could mean he thinks its easier to rope someone in to degradating his spouse/sig O along side him if they know about it in advance and that way he has an accessory in this deception. Its much easier to lie to one person than two. On the other hand it could mean he has rationalized lying to his spouse/sig O and genuinely has convinced himself "why" that is "okay" in this specific situation. And perhaps his intent is to be honest with you about all matters.

However, even if that IS his intent. It really amounts to a hill of beans. Because all matters can be dealt with honestly and respectfully if one is strong enough to do so. And when one doesn't have the strength to be honest, it can be virtually impossible to be fully honest with certain people, mainly: you. Even if he intends the best, he may not be strong enough to fulfill his own ambitions.

So I would ask myself: Do I want to commit myself emotionally to someone who is limited in his integrity? Will I ever be able to be secure knowing he has this lapse in character? What would ~I~ really do in his situation? Can I tolerate what he is doing?

However, if you found out about this situation through logic rather than honesty on his part, I would then ask myself: Why is it alright for me to allow someone to degrade me with their deception and lack of respect for me? Why would I want to be with someone who would do harm to me. (Deception is harm. Manipulation is harm.)

Now on the other hand... I hate to admit this. But I've been in relationships where I was really was too weak and immature to deal with them on the level of integrity I now try to live within today. I have cheated and I have left some sig/O's by cheating with the "new" one... However at a certain point in my growth and maturity as a human being... I decided that I could not continue to disrespect myself like that. Or others. And I wasn't alright with living like that. Now, I'm not wholly honest with every single person alive, I believe some people in my "outer" circle or further really need to achieve a certain amount of intimacy and trust with me before I'll offer fairly blanket open honesty. But I give people a general benefit of the doubt now. And most importantly I do not ever EVER attempt to decieve anyone. Its more that I don't offer up certain parts of myself. But everyone gets different levels of how open and frank I am, depending on their position in my life. And all and any whom I'd consider bonding with and partnering up with for life (platonic or romantic) are going to get the truth. If I can't share myself honestly and openly with someone, why bother doing all that work to keep them around? Why bother investing all those emotions? It just seems silly now. And less than honesty seems empty and lacking. I'm constantly striving to be more open and connected with my loved ones.

But I digressed here a bit. Before, when I wasn't as interested in making deeper and meaningful relationships with people based on honesty and integrity... I had a situation or two where I was always trying to be honest with the "new" person. But that whole thing about it being hard to be strong enough to be honest even when we want to if its okay to lie a little...It made that impossible to do so. Despite my intentions.. Only when I really made betraying my loved one's trust unacceptable was I able to reach a point where I could be wholly honest. Prior to that, even though I intended to... I really wasn't able.

So... all of this is to share a Cheater's perspective when they have the best intentions in mind... you're really not going to get what you deserve, even if he wants you to. So while I could offer some practical tips on how to accept less than you deserve, as you asked, I really can't bring myself to help you do that.

(just my opinion, yadda yadda)

< Message edited by Nikolette -- 8/5/2008 4:10:57 AM >

_____________________________

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." ---Mahatma Gandhi

(in reply to WasHisPet)

Post #: 27

RE: Married Dominates - 8/5/2008 11:31:48 AM

graceadieu

Posts: 1518
Joined: 3/20/2008
From: Maryland
Status: offline

If you feel uncomfortable with him being married, ask to meet/talk to his wife. If he says no, listen to your worries and end it. If he says yes, talk to her about him and their relationship and how you fit in. That's only a starting place, of course, you might still not want to be with a married guy.

(in reply to Nikolette)

Post #: 28

RE: Married Dominates - 8/5/2008 12:54:39 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

When the one person that i have to trust is not being truthful with a spouse or significant other.

Did you read this sentence in the OP?

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Emperor1956)

Post #: 29

RE: Married Dominates - 8/5/2008 12:57:43 PM

E2Sweet

Posts: 649
Joined: 7/8/2008
From: TopLeftCornerOf, OH, USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Quivver

Baaah Baaah Bahhh.... The sheep mentality is quite prevalent on this subject, always is. Bottom line is do you trust yourself to make a mature decision in regard to what YOU want.

Well that's just selfish. With regard to a lying spouse, think of the damage done to the family in the equation, and if there are offspring, think of the possible impact on them should the affair get out of hand... This is not the greatest way to live if you want to wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and be OK who you see...Unless you don't have a conscience.

quote:

They can never be trusted again. Nobody who has ever cheated on someone has ever been capable of another viable relationship ever in their life. They are pariahs. We need to find some planet to ship them to so we can be rid of them.

*rolls eyes*

I recognize that type of person is capable of telling the truth and having a viable relationship, we all have free will. But the question is: Is he or she really worth the risk to find out? Do they really even deserve it? Especially when there are many others out there who one can meet that don't possess the inclination (and don't have a history of) willingly betraying his or her own family.

_____________________________

E2Sweet™
"If it doesn't make you smile then chances are you're not doing it right."

(in reply to Quivver)

Post #: 30

RE: Married Dominates - 8/5/2008 1:09:03 PM

christine1

Posts: 6155
Joined: 12/15/2007
From: i'm headed to HIM...
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Emperor1956

KatyLied and Christine, I'm sorry to see you both post such negative comments. I thought both of you had a better understanding of the variety of D/s relationships and could understand a poly arrangement, even if you chose not to enter into it. I sense some real bitterness in your comments, and that is sad, but I also think you might rethink your positions as having been (apparently) involved in less-than-open relationships.

you're right Emp. i have absolutely no understanding of any type of any kind of relationship. furthermore, i sincerely apologize for being closed minded about the fact that this waste of skin is lying to his wife to be with the OP and in my book, can't be trusted. guess it's time for me to get my ass schooled in the art of being politically correct to the point of not being able to state my opinions at all.

and the last time i checked, (although being as dense as i apparently am), lying to your spouse to have a relationship on the side isn't poly...it's cheating.

< Message edited by christine1 -- 8/5/2008 1:36:16 PM >

_____________________________

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(in reply to Emperor1956)

Post #: 31

RE: Married Dominates - 8/5/2008 1:16:19 PM

camille65

Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WasHisPet

i would like to say Thank You to all of You who have responded. Everything ( or almost) each of You have said i have said to myself at one time or another. i do not know maybe i was hoping for the one comment taht would make it all right, but it is not out there. Again Thank You!
washispet

You already know something but are hoping that a total stranger will contradict you and give you permission to do what you know isn't right for you.

That just is not a smart way to live your life.

_____________________________

~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).

(in reply to WasHisPet)

Post #: 32

RE: Married Dominates - 8/5/2008 3:47:44 PM

happypervert

Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline

How do you know someone who claims to be single isn't married? At least you know the one who says he's married is probably being truthful.

_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

(in reply to camille65)

Post #: 33

RE: Married Dominates - 8/5/2008 5:07:48 PM

E2Sweet

Posts: 649
Joined: 7/8/2008
From: TopLeftCornerOf, OH, USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: happypervert

How do you know someone who claims to be single isn't married?...

Marital status is a matter of public record. With a first and last name anyone with access to a computer and internet can easily retrieve the persons full legal name, birth date, marital status, current address, and listed telephone number with very very few exceptions. It takes less than 5 minutes to search and usually costs around $14.00 USD for access. Gotta love technology!

_____________________________

E2Sweet™
"If it doesn't make you smile then chances are you're not doing it right."

(in reply to happypervert)

Post #: 34

RE: Married Dominates - 8/5/2008 6:54:17 PM

Quivver

Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

E2, you can call Me anything you'd like to. The world I live in is in shades of gray, it has records and history glore too, all printed in neat black type. The life part happens inbetween that type and the reality.

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to E2Sweet)

Post #: 35

RE: Married Dominates - 8/5/2008 6:59:54 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

Marital status is a matter of public record.

I think confidential marriage is available in California or it was at one time.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to E2Sweet)

Post #: 36

RE: Married Dominates - 8/5/2008 11:04:47 PM

Emperor1956

Posts: 2370
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline

KatyLied and Christine: I've read the OP over and over. I believe that she is saying that she cannot trust this man because he is married; parse the passage again. Her initial statement is "How do I trust a married Dominate [sic]."   Not "how do I trust a person who is lying" -- her issue appears to be simply that he is married, and therefore breaking his vows, and therefore cheating.

Christine, where do you see that the man in question (I think you referred to him as the "waste of skin") is lying to his wife, as you state? I don't get that from the OP.   She links his "not being truthful" to his "going out of [his] vows." I see no evidence that the man is lying to his wife. Again, the equation is married and seeing someone else = lying.

Is the man in question lying to his wife, or is the OP simply frustrated because she cannot handle the relationship she has taken on?   I only react to the words on the page. The OP, and many of the subsequent posts, appear to condemn any relationship where a married Dominant engages in a relationship with a woman other than his spouse, regardless of the circumstances. I take that rather personally.

E.

_____________________________

"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 37

RE: Married Dominates - 8/10/2008 10:25:51 AM

MasterAramis

Posts: 279
Joined: 7/29/2008
From: Connecticut
Status: offline

quote:

i do not know maybe i was hoping for the one comment taht would make it all right

I know I am jumping in this late - but cheating is never all right! It that indeed is what is going on. It's harmful to all concerned. The wife that doesn't know, his kids if there are any, and the one that he is cheating with.

One element I will say to you. There would be far less cheating husbands out there if there weren't that many woman who tolerated it. Please, if you know he is cheating, dump him. He is not a Master.

Also one more thing. Many on here say "Go talk to the wife." It is NOT a good idea to confront the wife. Leave that alone especially if there are kids involved. Sometimes we need to put aside our issues for the sake of the children, they didn't ask for a broken family. Don't be the cause of that. I believe in the old adage what goes around will come around. Trust me, he will get his.

Again sorry for the lateness of this post.

Sincerely,

Aramis Duval

< Message edited by MasterAramis -- 8/10/2008 10:29:22 AM >

(in reply to WasHisPet)

Post #: 38

RE: Married Dominates - 8/10/2008 10:28:31 AM

MasterAramis

Posts: 279
Joined: 7/29/2008
From: Connecticut
Status: offline

quote:

relationship where a married Dominant engages in a relationship with a woman other than his spouse, regardless of the circumstances. I take that rather personally.

Not to sound holier than thou, the only time this is acceptable is when ALL parties are knowledgeable as to what is going on.

Sincerely,

Aramis Duval

(in reply to Emperor1956)

Post #: 39

RE: Married Dominates - 8/10/2008 11:21:58 AM

Nitefalls1000

Posts: 41
Joined: 5/22/2008
Status: offline

there are plenty of single Doms out there find one and dont worry about it
Nite

(in reply to Huntertn)

Post #: 40

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