RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you are their Master/slave

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RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you... - 8/4/2008 12:25:37 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

I have nothing to offer but sympathy and understanding! My former slave was a addict who *thought* he was sober, but he just kept on trading addictions. If he hadn't left me, I would have gone on trying to patch him up, when I knew full well that it was impossible.

You're a wonderful friend, Erin, and he was blessed to have you in his life. As are we!!

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 21

RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you... - 8/4/2008 1:12:27 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Erin,

You can't save someone from themselves, nobody can. People either fix themselves or they don't That is why people need to hit rock bottom before they can change IF they are going to change.

You were a true and noble friend to try but at some point, they need to pull their head out of their ass and if they don't you need to walk away. There is a difference between supporting someone who is DOING the work and co-dependence.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 22

RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you... - 8/4/2008 1:17:24 PM

Maxwell67

Posts: 435
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW
It isn't anyone's fault -- My theory is that they took on more in this lifetime than they could process through, and one of the lessons got overwhelming and they had a 'system crash'... the only way out that they could see was a 'life reboot'.

This is a very comforting way of thinking about it, I think. I have known a lot of spiritual advisors of one sort or another (even lived with a couple of them for a time) and I can see you really have a knack for this sort of thing, Calla.

If I could add anything to this, it would only be that everyone who has touched you lives on through you and is a part of you. If your own life is a good one, then ultimately so was theirs, if you get my meaning. Erin, what you bring away from your time with your former Master makes you a stronger and wiser person, and you have passed that wisdom and experience to us here (and some of the attending pain as well, which is testament to how well you did your job, I think). He chose you well, and that is his good fortune (and ours as well). In sharing your grief with us this way you show it has a higher meaning. Thank you for that. And I hope you will find the shared burden easier to bear also.

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 23

RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you... - 8/4/2008 1:22:27 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
You were a true and noble friend to try but at some point, they need to pull their head out of their ass and if they don't you need to walk away. There is a difference between supporting someone who is DOING the work and co-dependence.

Oh Michael, you are so absolutely right. I began to really realize that shortly before we split. I wasn't helping him by picking him up and putting him back together time after time...even though I thought I was. I was simply enabling him to continue in his dysfunction because he knew that I would be there to put it all back together no matter what he did. He told me once that he never believed that I would ever really leave him...until I did. And for at least awhile he said that my leaving was such a shocking jolt to him that the fear of NOT having me there to "fix" it all for him was the thing that kept him sober...at least for a short time. Looking back I realize how wrong I was in the WAY that I loved him....and that is a very harsh reality to come to terms with.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 24

RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you... - 8/4/2008 1:26:19 PM

E2Sweet

Posts: 649
Joined: 7/8/2008
From: TopLeftCornerOf, OH, USA
Status: offline

With regard to our dealings with others: In life, when we come to a fork in the road and a decision has to be made to choose a path, that decision can sometimes be an excruciatingly painful one. But, if we apply wisdom and knowledge to the process, and refuse to repeat our past mistakes, then we've chosen well.

I am truly sorry for your loss.

_____________________________

E2Sweet™
"If it doesn't make you smile then chances are you're not doing it right."

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 25

RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you... - 8/4/2008 1:32:17 PM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

If you are with a broken person, don't fool yourself into thinking that you can fix them. It's a terrible responsibility to put on yourself. It's a terrible responsibility to expect someone to take on for you. If you are broken, only you can fix you. Yes, you may need to reach out to others for help and support...but the ultimate responsibility is on you. In power exchange relationships we sometimes view our responsibility to our partners at an even higher level. I have heard so many dominant/Masters express that they are responsible for their sub/slaves. I have seen so many sub/slaves who place the responsibility for their partners happiness or well being on their own shoulders. While we do indeed have a responsibilty TO each other, we are not responsible FOR each other.

It's easy to get caught up in that trap, especially when it is someone that we love. Especially when we have that component of our own personalities that wants to be helpful, to be needed. I know, I've been there and done it myself. Even when rationally I knew better.

We buried my ex Master this weekend. He hung himself last Thursday. His demons ended up the victor. I feel like I've been gutted. For 16 years he has been such a huge part of my life. Our relationship officially changed from that of a couple to one of best of friends 5 years ago but that didn't change how much we meant to each other. He was my family.

I hear you and read your entire post word for word more than once.
I hear you.
I hear you.
At this moment in time I thank you for everything you shared.
thank you so very very much.

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 26

RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you... - 8/4/2008 1:59:24 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

I am sorry to hear of the loss of your friend. I know you are saying it is not your job to fix your partner.. and it is not. We have our own demons, and we must battle them on our own. Maybe with help, maybe with encouragement, maybe with tools.. but when it comes down to it you have to want to fix yourself or nothing will work.
I see you saying it is not your job to fix your partner, but I am seeing guilt in your words.
It is not your fault or responsibility. It will take a while for that to sink in, but keep saying it. Say it until you believe it. Say it until it becomes a part of you. He put that guilt on you because he couldnt bear the weight on his own. It is too heavy, do what you can to shrug it off and move on.
Cry, cuddle your mate, and when you can, think of the good times with fondness. Forgive him, and yourself.
~Andrea

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 27

RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you... - 8/4/2008 3:18:30 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

I am just so amazed at the responses. I find myself in tears again at the responses. Such wisdom spoken...and what is coming through very strongly is that everyone's words are coming from their hearts. Thank you all, and to those of you who are sharing personal stories with me via e mail...thank you too. I can't express how I have been touched today.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 28

RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you... - 8/4/2008 3:28:17 PM

Sunnyfey

Posts: 1436
Joined: 9/21/2007
From: OK
Status: offline

Erin *big big hugs* We love you sweetheart. Everyone has said it all before so I wont repeat them. but...I just wanted to say we love you and are here for you.

_____________________________

Resident Hell Cat

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 29

RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you... - 8/4/2008 3:35:29 PM

SweetCaleigh

Posts: 59
Joined: 4/22/2006
Status: offline

I am truly sorry for your loss. I grew up with an alcholic father and I have 4 sisters that have problems with drinking, one is a full fledged alcoholic. I'm the only one that doesn't drink. I know the feeling of trying to help and then seeing them fall again and again. It hurts and there is so much pain. Time will help heal your wounds though. I promise. You won't forget, but the hurt won't be as bad once you move on with your life.

Warmly,
sweet caleigh

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 30

RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you... - 8/4/2008 3:36:54 PM

ChicagoAmy

Posts: 55
Joined: 6/28/2008
Status: offline

I don't have advice or anything meaningful to say but I'm sorry for your loss.

(in reply to Sunnyfey)

Post #: 31

RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you... - 8/4/2008 3:45:12 PM

stardancer00

Posts: 60
Joined: 7/6/2005
Status: offline

Thank you for sharing this, misty...

What Michael said is so true. What is most important in all of what you wrote is that you healed, you learned to love in a healthy relationship with your new Master. And you were able to love your ex in spite of himself. You showed him health, and it really just was not his choice. It has taken me many co-dependent relationships over many years to realize what seem to be such simple truths. What i realized is that i was hurting the ones i was with by trying to save them and thinking it was love. Your sharing means a lot to me. If you had kept "saving" him, it just would have ended up destroying both of you in the end. i hold you in your sorrow, and i understand.

(in reply to Sunnyfey)

Post #: 32

RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you... - 8/4/2008 3:55:54 PM

silkncarol

Posts: 318
Status: offline

I am so sorry for your loss Erin and the pain you are feeling. Do not beat yourself up playing the "what if" game...it serves no useful purpose....you have intregrity and honor..and have loved deeply...that is what life is about.

INVICTUS

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever Gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate;
I am the captian of my soul.

by William Earnest Henley

We truly are the masters of our own fate.............

_____________________________

We attract hearts by the qualities we display. We retain them by the qualities we possess.

Shoes can change your life................. Cinderella

(in reply to ChicagoAmy)

Post #: 33

RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you... - 8/4/2008 4:16:38 PM

ThundersCry

Posts: 892
Status: offline

I do want to extend my condolences...mist...

I have watched...many die from the disease of alcoholism...

Theres a sentance in the AA big book that says...*Some men cannot or will not get over alcoholism*...

Try and tell THAT to a grieving spouse, parent...child...the list can go on and on...

Peace....

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 34

RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you... - 8/4/2008 4:26:38 PM

pixidustpet

Posts: 857
Joined: 6/4/2008
Status: offline

dear erin ... *hugs you*

fallcon was an alcoholic. the first time he came to stay with me, i told him he had to leave after a month, becaue i couldnt live with him drunk. and he left, and i still loved him. every time he'd contact me again, i'd remind him that yes, i loved him, but not his drinking. it took him 4 years and my needing *him* when i had to have surgery to make him want to quit drinking. he did, and i told him i was glad he did it for *him*, and not for me.

he fell off the wagon twice in nearly 2 years, for one day binges. and i told him "if you chose to drink, you cant stay here because i have to think of my son" and he didnt again. cancer parted us. and he thanked me towards the end, for loving him through his drinking, and being strong enough to shoo him away when he did. it broke my heart to do it but he knew that.

*hugs you again* you can give a hand to anyone...but they have to get up and reach for it themselves.

kitten

(in reply to ThundersCry)

Post #: 35

RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you... - 8/4/2008 4:34:10 PM

DelightnDevotion

Posts: 45
Joined: 7/14/2008
Status: offline

Your wisdom is so true. I have been on all sides of this coin: I've been the one who tried to fix others I loved; I've been one who wanted someone they loved to rescue them; and I've been in such despair, pain and felt such hopelessness that I've tried to take my own life. None of those roles was successful (thank heavens particularly for the last one not being successful). And thankfully I learned from all of those mistakes and now expect no one to fix me and I don't try to fix others. I ask for support from others, and I lend support to others. But I've established my boundaries and I kinda like them the way they are now.

However, none of this journey has been without pain---some of it ferociously excruciating. So although I cannot completely understand your pain, erin, it resonates with me and I am so sorry that you feel it. Please know that I hold you in my thoughts and prayers--and hope that it soon fades and you find peace.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 36

RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you... - 8/4/2008 4:47:15 PM

StormsSlave

Posts: 629
Joined: 2/6/2008
Status: offline

I'm sorry you are hurting, but congratulations on your survival.

_____________________________

Congratulate me...I'm a missus!!

--nobody's resident anything.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 37

RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you... - 8/4/2008 5:14:28 PM

NeedingMore220

Posts: 615
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline

Erin, you've shared some hard-won wisdom. I thank you for doing so, and I am very sorry for your loss and your pain.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 38

RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you... - 8/4/2008 6:13:30 PM

SayaNereida

Posts: 152
Joined: 7/10/2007
Status: offline

I'm sorry for your pain.

We can only show others love and hope, we cannot make them accept it.

In peace and light,
Saya

_____________________________

Anais Nin: Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. ...

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 39

RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you... - 8/4/2008 6:32:31 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Please people...don't ever make anyone feel like they are responsible for your happiness. Don't ever assume the responsibility for someone else's happiness. It's a painfully heavy burden to bear.

I agree completely with what you state here. However, the irony is that time and again good people take up that burden. You have done... I have done... others have done it.... and unfortunately many more will do it in the future.

To this day... I am not sure why or how I ended up taking on the burden... why did I become an enabler.. why did I foster a co-dependence relationship. I don't think their is any magic bullet reason for why it happens... but.. like you and many others.. I have learned some very difficult lessons.

As much as it is wise words to avoid these traps... I am sometimes shocked how many seem to ignore the words. The traps are so insidious... they veil themselves in ways that inflate our egos and self-image. We are deep in the quicksand when we finally realize that we sinking and the effort and strength of character required to remove ourselves from such a situation is indeed daunting.

My compliments to the strength you demonstrated to take yourself from the quicksand. Your compassion and kindness for your ex-master is admirable... but your compassion and kindness for yourself is inspiring. We can care.. we can love another... but we don't have allow ourself to be destroyed in order to care and love another. Just because we choose not allow ourselvs to go deeper in the quicksand doesn't reflect negatively on our care and love we may feel for the person that is pulling us into it. You have done what needed... as so many in the past.... unfortunately.... not everyone has the strength to love themselves as they should.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 40

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