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RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you... - 8/4/2008 6:32:57 PM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline 		Erin

   there really no words one can say  bubblegum wisdom is dime a dozen only you know in your heart what you have to do
addicxtions are tough on anylevel  i have lost many friends and family to addictions. The only thing i can pass on that i found strength in a great place but we are not aloud to talk about it here  but it does work I wish you best with this that you may find peace many hugs

(in reply to SayaNereida)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you... - 8/4/2008 6:40:47 PM   
kessbm45lilgirl


Posts: 8
Joined: 6/7/2008
Status: offline 		I was married to an alkie for 17 years he died 8 years ago from his addiction. I know the feelings you are going through. As a former co dependant knowing that about myself allows me to not fall into that again. After he died I discovered this lifestyle and at first thought a Master could fix everything, but something inside of me knew that was not the case and I set about fixing myself. Most days my vessel does not leak but there are days. This is my request know what you can control and what you cannot not be prepared to walk away from abuse. If abuse feels comfortable its not good for you. know the difference between disfunction and submission abuse and control. Learning this may help you to live to see another day. I am sorry you are hurting and feeling a little guilty. Let go of the guilt it will do you no good. huggs and light.

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you... - 8/4/2008 6:55:08 PM   
PsyVamp


Posts: 1026
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline 		(((hugs)))
My youngest's dad's mistress is alcohol, and he loves and serves her to the point of no return.

I agree, you cannot fix these things.

Lady Jag

_____________________________

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. .
Could a blue screen of death constitute being defenestrated?
~Owner of wolf~ (one of them, anyway)

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you... - 8/4/2008 7:27:48 PM   
califsue


Posts: 593
Joined: 2/2/2008
Status: offline 		Erin,
 
Thank you for sharing. I am so sorry for your loss.
 
Heather

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you... - 8/4/2008 7:34:45 PM   
porcelain20


Posts: 30
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline 		i am very thankful you shared the wisdom you gained from this experience and i will remember this always.

i too am sorry for your loss.

(in reply to califsue)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you... - 8/4/2008 8:20:57 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		I am amazed and humbled by the support I have received today. I posted this in part because of the cathartic benefit that I get from writing things out. It is a technique that I have used all of my life to help me put things in perspective. An added benefit of putting it here is that I get to see it through many different eyes. This is a comfortable place for me and there are so many of you here who I feel like I know...even though we have never met. We are technically strangers and yet so many of us share so many things in common. It is my most sincere hope that my words may find their way to someone who has had an experience that makes them feel as though they can relate in some way....and that they may find comfort in the knowledge that they are not alone. That someone who may be on a similar path may glean something that they can apply in a useful manner to help them along their way. If someone could be helped, even in some small way....it may give this all a sense of purpose.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to porcelain20)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you... - 8/4/2008 8:49:55 PM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		i'm so hoping your pain ends soon.

i tend to look at it from a few different perspectives:

co-dependancy 
white knight syndrome
instinctive parental and/or nurturing nature


(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you... - 8/4/2008 9:37:33 PM   
HagiaSophia


Posts: 39
Joined: 4/17/2008
From: St. Petersburg/Tampa
Status: offline 		Dear, I hope you have a good support network around you in RL. You deserve all the care and companionship you can get right now, one hundredfold what you put into your relationship. The important thing is to honor his memory, and the good times you shared, by taking the lessons you've learned about yourself, about love, and about life, forward with you as you grow and thrive.  

You are now the loving survivor of an alcoholic. Be good to yourself, you deserve it. If you discover that you need help in this difficult time, I hope you seek it, and find it.

Always,
Mistress Sophia

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you... - 8/5/2008 2:37:06 AM   
shanaya


Posts: 24
Joined: 5/29/2007
Status: offline 		i am so sorry erin, i  was once with an alcoholic for 9 long years. We were in a vanilla relationship and married, i remember the cycle of his self destruct mode on, and  my "have to save him " mode on. It ended badly, i walked away after years of  abuse , mental and physical a shell  of my former self. It is 9 years later
and i have worked hard to work through all i lived through with him.
 
To many years i blamed myself for not being able to save him, but today i truly know that wasn't my job. Maybe my job was to try to show him the way, but you can take a horse to water but not make him drink, and as in drink i mean drink his own truth and face it.
 
i do understand how the heart says something different than our heads, unfortunately only time will begin to heal your pain. Lots of love and best wishes, i truly wish your suffering was over
 
hugs
~shanaya~

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you... - 8/5/2008 3:09:00 AM   
OnlyHisLovebug


Posts: 56
Joined: 7/14/2008
Status: offline 		Hi erin, I know you don't know me, but I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your loss *gentle hugs*.  Thank you, for sharing, I think the reminder that we are all  responsible for our own happiness- and that ~nobody~ else can MAKE us happy is an important one.  Especially here, where so many people seem intent on 'fixing' or 'rescuing' another- it's a trap that we so easily fall into believing.

Ultimately, we are the only ones that can slay our own demons- and trying to rely on another to do so is just a recipe for heartbreak. 

*leaves with another soft hug*  Again, I am truly sorry...

_____________________________

If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because he was he, and I was I. ~Michel de Montaigne

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you... - 8/5/2008 5:33:51 AM   
Owner4SexSlave


Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline 		Erin, my heart goes out to you.  I remember a few of your previous posts on this subject before...  I'm so sorry that this happened.   Just remember it was his choice to do what he did.....

that "what if" does mess with your mind...  I'm.... a little at a loss for words.. besides I'm sorry and my heart goes out to you..

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you... - 8/5/2008 5:49:30 AM   
Taboo4Two


Posts: 170
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: NH, TX
Status: offline 		Walking along a bridge at night I spied a man with a rope tied around his waist. As I approached he handed me his rope and jumped over the side of the bridge. I held with all my might as he swung below. He would fall to his death if I let go of his rope. He said to me "Please don't let go of my rope or I will die." I let the rope go and walked away.

A psychologist related that story to our girl and we've often used it to remind her that you can not be held hostage by someone who wants you to take responsibility for their life.

I am truly sorry for your loss and wish you G*d speed in recovering from the hurt in your heart.

It was a not your rope.

Domino

(in reply to Owner4SexSlave)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you... - 8/5/2008 5:50:13 AM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Having also been one of those who had been there and done that, I know how hard it is. My battle was with a drug addict, not an alcoholic, but its all the same once it gets to a point.
He would get voilent, and then apologize profusely. He tried to kill me once, and then told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him.
When he called me during his last days, he would start the conversation off that "I apologize if its a little muffled, I am pressing a gun into my throat and deciding it I am done trying to fight."
I could not save him anymore. By saving him, time and time again, I was hurting myself and everyone else we knew... but he always wound up in the same place becasue he wasnt even trying to help himself. I told him that I was not going to be his white knight. I told him I could not watch him 24 hours a day 7 days a week as if he were a child just to make sure he wasnt going to get back into the drugs. He had to make the first steps. I also promised him that if he could make those first steps I would be there for him.
When they found his body, there was a note on the counter next to it. "I tried to take a step. I stumbled and I fell."

Sometimes, people cannot undo what they do to themselves, but they dont realize it until it has gone entirely too far.

My thoughts and prayers are with you,
DV


_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you... - 8/5/2008 6:08:15 AM   
Owner4SexSlave


Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline 		This topic is hitting home with me.   My last Ex has some anger issues that come out when she's been drinking.   Part of me wants to save her, but there is not much I can do for her.   I still talk with her from time to time, mainly when she's had some dramatic experience from drinking and her anger gets the best of her.  Generally only a couple of weeks go by and I hear from her.   I've had to emotionally distance myself a lot.  Still, it's difficult to deal with.   I've been trying to remain as a friend. 

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you... - 8/5/2008 7:22:52 AM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		*hugs* for you.

i've been placed in this type of situation twice and each time,  i was the "go-to" person when they needed rescuing. one person nearly committed suicide by driving his car in front of a lorry (truck) after sending me one long email message. his adult kids called me with the news and that's when i told them everything my friend refused to tell them about his health and depression. i hated that he kept secrets from them but it felt good getting it off my chest literally. since then, our friendship is somewhat strained with him in and out of the mental facility near Devon.

the second time - happened via here. i met a dominant whom i thought was really awesome person ...we clicked on all levels however when he came to visit the 2nd time, he thanked me for saving him from his bachelor life. i had this shocked expression plastered on my face - like huh? not only that - he needed someone to "undo" the bad habits occurred from his single days  like healthier eating (he had a health problems). i had to give the ring back because i didn't want to be in relationship in which i'm saving someone again. i never had a single life since i had my first at the height my 20s and from then on, my life was devoted to mine and their needs. now that i'm divorced, i'm enjoying the single life - dating, fun night life and making a name for myself. but here's a guy who viewed single life a curse. we did part ways both of us taking different paths ...recently he told me that he find someone else.

< Message edited by sambamanslilgirl -- 8/5/2008 7:25:50 AM >

_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...


...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you... - 8/5/2008 11:46:42 AM   
badlilthang


Posts: 357
Joined: 6/22/2006
Status: offline 		dearest erin,

First of all  - please accept my sincere condolances for your loss. you do not know me, neither do i know you - But King Alcohol as we call him in my country - we both know intimately. Grand dad - mother - my only brother - uncles and cousins let alcohol control their lives. i lost touch as of how many times i had to go out and pick my mom up and take her home - all the hours i spent listening to her talk about the devil in me - all the scared moments when my brother called in the middle of the night - and i rushed out of my bed and drove there to check on him.
Well - i finally realized - i could not help neither my mom nor my brother. They had to help themselves. i broke off the relationship with my mom several times - because there really was no room for me in her life. My brother, on the other hand, got it under control - and the last 15 years of his life we had a wonderful and close relationship.
Your ex-Master made His choice. He told you how much of a difference you made in His life - and to me that sounded like a way to ask for forgiveness - because He could not be strong enough to live - but knowing you could - should and deserved it.
Some souls come to this earth just for a brief visit - some are troubled - some brings light and warmth - and some just come and go quietly.
Your Master had a troubled soul - He could not handle the pain - but He also taught you something - warm smile - you made your decision - you walked out - and you have found Someone you truly trust and care for. One that is in control of Himself - and also have enough compassion and love to give to you.
i know for a fact that my past has shaped me into who i am today. i am strong and safe in my own skin - i know i am worth something, and also that i can not be the fixer always - but i can be there in the background - quietly watching. And i can also offer help - if it is truly wanted - not just because they think i am their crutch.

You will have rought days - you will do what we all do - "what if" - but the past is behind you - you need to live in the now and look to the future. He is at peace now - please try to find yours...*offers a hug*...

< Message edited by badlilthang -- 8/5/2008 11:49:50 AM >

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you... - 8/5/2008 4:22:58 PM   
SassySarijane


Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline 		Erin,

I am so sorry for the pain you are in. Please don't play the what if game. You only lose and become steeped in nonconsentual pain.

My ex sister-in-law died 5 years ago as a direct result of alcohol. She'd been an alcoholic since her teens and was mid-forties when she died. She'd passed out drunk and ended up aspirating. My ex is dying because of alcoholism. He's a heavy alcoholic and his liver is nearly gone. The year he was given to live is nearly up now and not even the grandchild (his first) due next month has given him the impetus to stop, let alone his kids and being around for them. Both he and his sister got away from the alcohol for short periods but in the end couldn't stay away. I tried, how I tried to help them, but in the end I had to let go before the life was completely sucked out of me.

I'm still healing and still not ready to try another relationship just yet. Please know you went far and above the call of duty, love, and friendship and had you gone to him it would only have restarted the cycle of pain.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers
LPTnB

(in reply to badlilthang)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you... - 8/5/2008 5:05:45 PM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		Erin,
First i want to thank You.... For the honesty, courage, integrity, and value with which You not only appeared to write this, but appear to live Your life.  Second, i must apologize.  i  need to apologize that You are feeling and experiencing such pain.  i am deeply sorry.  Third i must thank You. Thank You for being such a good example of what a strong, woman a submissive or slave can be (and obviously is).The thing that keeps replaying in my head right know is how KOM said that he wasn't sure how people find themselves in co-dependent situations.  i think the reality (for me) is once i've crossed the line to caring for (or about) someone more than they are willing to care for or about themselves, once i'm willing to not only carry the message to alcoholics but carry the alcoholic themself, then i've found myself in a co-dependent relationship.  i seriously wish there was something i could do to take away Your pain. But the reality is if  i were to do that You would miss out on the benefits of having gone through this experience and making it through to the other side.
i've had people in my life (both professionally...and as of 9 days ago personally) who have either by choice or by accident ended their lifes due to addiction.  The 'what ifs' are horrible. They are a way that we play that game of inadequacy with ourselves.....Survivor's guilt sucks!!! i'm so grateful that You are here and You are willing to share Your experience with us.  My hope is that everyone that reads Your post will find some peace with whatever issue they are currently struggling with.
i've been that tornado zooming in and around someone else's life.  Being through the other side of it, having lived through a major suicide attempt, and understanding exactly what i put my friends, family, and loved ones through........shame does not even begin to cover it today.  You have my utmost and deepest respect.
Please do not hesitate to let me know if there's anything i can do to help.
Kalista


_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb


(in reply to SassySarijane)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you... - 8/5/2008 6:08:30 PM   
masterofdrkness2


Posts: 1697
Joined: 3/17/2008
Status: offline 		I am sorry for your loss , but know You can not fix anyone unless they want help being fixed...all you can do is make sure they understand if they ever decide they truly want to defeat the demons in them, you are there, do not ever blame your self for " what if". I do hope that anyone with this trouble will some day soon  wise up and decide to face these demons , speaking from experience here, it took me a long time to understand this ,  feel free to contact me on the other side if you want to hear my story, I will not bore everyone here with it on the boards.

< Message edited by masterofdrkness2 -- 8/5/2008 6:37:02 PM >

_____________________________

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skys from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
(Pink Flyod)

(in reply to Kalista07)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you... - 8/5/2008 6:13:53 PM   
AtlantisKing111


Posts: 181
Joined: 1/14/2005
Status: offline 		I'm sorry to hear of your loss and sadness.  I went through something like that with my first girlfreind; she was manic depressive.  It's true you can't fix someone who is broken.  But you try just the same, when love enters into the equation.

My prayers are with you.

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 60
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