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GAAAAKK!! what the hell... - 8/7/2008 6:31:31 PM   
greyangelus


Posts: 192
Joined: 1/22/2008
Status: offline 		So let me tell you a very short story.   A young novice Dom, one who has near to none PRACTICAL experience, wakes up one morning.  Just as an aside, winks at a random profile, yet another in the dozens of expected misses which are part and parcel of doing the online-thing.  Instead of the usual no-reply, gets a very detailed reponse from an evidently excited sub.  After quite a short period of time talking, spent far less on BDSM than usual and way more on the vanilla side, meets his perfect sub for coffee and realize what an absolute treasure he's got on his twisted little hands.   Less than a week later, this novice dom meet's with his dream sub for a night and day,  going over a range of play, toys, idea's theories etc.   One thing leads to another etc etc....

Ok, not so short.

Anyways,  I've finally met someone with some very serious long-term potential, someone whos got it all.  Brains, humor, looks, that very comfotable feeling when pressed against them,  likes spankings a LOT-whole-package-deal.

However, both of our experience levels are what you mightly kindly refer to as "limited", in the practical, hands-on sense.   I'm lot longer on the theory bit (been wandering the BDSM internet wilds for several years, quite a few spent here on collarme) while she's only been seriously exploring her submissivness for a bare handful of months).  Oh yes, one added wrinkle;  this is a weekends-only deal when it comes to being together due to the distance although the weekends look to be fairly regular

......  The whole point of this is that my lack of experience is becoming scarily apparent.  I'm not going to hurt her intentionally, and I do know where most of the usual landmines for accidently are.    But the real question is how do I go about keeping her trust during the beginning while I do gain that practical, hands-on I need, especially given the mistakes, screw-ups, going back on something I said cause it proves to be completely unworkable type things that a bound to occur?

I know most Dom's act like they know what they are doing,  and they actually do know what they're doing in the majority of cases, but at the moment I've got this wierd flying-by-the-seat-of-my-pants feeling going on right now.

In the beginning for you guys/girls, how did you let your hopefully-sub-of-your-very-own that you were just winging it till you figured out what worked and what didn't?  "Hey Hon,  I never actually hit anyone flogger before, just scream real loud if it hurts too much" seems like a bad way of going about it to me
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RE: GAAAAKK!! what the hell... - 8/7/2008 6:34:03 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		tell her.

then check into attending workshops etc., or find a mentor to help you learn skills :)


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polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

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RE: GAAAAKK!! what the hell... - 8/7/2008 6:52:06 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		Grey,

Congratulations!

Remember a couple of things. You're both in the same position but on opposite sides of the spanking paddle. One of the first things you can do is go shopping. That's always a great ice breaker and generates a lot of sensuality and quite a few nervous giggles. You don't need to have an 'adult' items store in your neighborhood. Go to a Home Depot, or even a 'Dollar' store. Looking at the same things you walked by countless times before without notice with a 'kinky' eye is a lot of fun. Picking up the various clips, or chain, rope and clamps while having an ongoing dialog is also fun.

If you do have a local community, take in a munch or demonstration together. Regardless of the topic or the hospitality you'll be together in a setting which may open discussion. Disclosure is important. Don't be afraid to be 'naked'. Tell her about the lack of experience with the willingness to learn. Watch a couple of the 'Hollywood' versions of the lifestyle. I'd prefer 9 1/2 Weeks over the Secretary; both represent us as hopeless neurotics, but again they'll serve to open discussion.

One thing not to worry about is the sensation aspect. Nobody can train you how hard to hit. You also can't judge how your partner is feeling by using the same implement on yourself; because you are leaving out of the equation the differing mental processes between a submissive mind and a dominant mind. You'll not feel, better yet, you won't process the sensation the same. You'll need to be able to 'read' her. Something you may not want to hear; that will take time. However its time to be enjoyed; savored even.

Never mind all that BS - Actually, just remember one thing - have FUN!

(in reply to greyangelus)
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RE: GAAAAKK!! what the hell... - 8/7/2008 6:54:11 PM   
StrongSpirit


Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline 		Experience is over-rated.  Time solves inexperience and more importantly, what works for one sub does NOT necessarily work for another.  Besides, learning new things is fun.

Go to workshops together.  Go to a public club, even if you don't want to play publicly.  Or check out a festival together.  Watch what other people do, and pay attention.

Make friends with people at the workshop/club/festival and ask them.  Maybe even play with them at the club.

Then try it yourself, starting slow and working your way up to the more advanced stuff.

Before you know it, you'll be calling yourself an expert and other people will be listening to your advice.


(in reply to GreedyTop)
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RE: GAAAAKK!! what the hell... - 8/7/2008 7:19:39 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Fabulous!  Going in knowing you have little knowlege will hopefully help you slow the pace.  You don't have to go full out and jump on her with an arsenal of tricks.  Mix sensations, play with sensuality, use your voice to lull her into deep and dark crevices, and most importantly, LOOK at her.  Watch her reactions.  Slow down and stop when you need to.  When you see you are not getting the reaction you want, change your tactics. 
I watched a movie once called Cannery Row with Debra Winger and Nick Nolte.  In one scene he took her to have a lobster meal.  She had never seen a lobster up close.  So she paced herself.  She watched him closely and did what he did so he wouldnt be aware of her inexperience.
You don't have to learn techniques from her.  But do try to learn from her reactions.
I envy that.  Have fun.
Kyst

(in reply to greyangelus)
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RE: GAAAAKK!! what the hell... - 8/7/2008 7:20:22 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: StrongSpirit
Experience is over-rated.  Time solves inexperience and more importantly, what works for one sub does NOT necessarily work for another.  Besides, learning new things is fun.

I agree.

Who has the healthier ego?  The man who is always right, or the man who frankly admits his weaknesses and proceeds to correct them?


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to StrongSpirit)
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RE: GAAAAKK!! what the hell... - 8/7/2008 7:26:30 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I am..... envious!  It's been so long since I was new and inexperienced, I would love to recapture that kind of excitement!!

Learning new things together is wonderful---it does help if you both have the ability to laugh at yourselves---and nothing builds trust more readily than starting from the ground up.   I agree about the shopping, it's amazing how many pervertibles you can find just in the dollar store or grocery store. 

HAVE FUN.  Or you're not doing it right.

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[page 23 girl]



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RE: GAAAAKK!! what the hell... - 8/7/2008 7:46:38 PM   
scottishdove


Posts: 113
Joined: 7/27/2008
Status: offline 		Dear Angelus,

Don't sweat it.

Underneath all the trappings, protocol and posturing, really, it's basically just between a man and a woman (or gender(s) of your choice.

You're into her, she's into you. It's love, it's karma, it's fate.

How exciting to learn together.

Enjoy.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: GAAAAKK!! what the hell... - 8/7/2008 8:28:52 PM   
Diphon


Posts: 39
Joined: 5/6/2006
Status: offline 		Don't freak out! just take your time. you can both have fun growing and exploring together. Sure there will be mistakes made along the way but that's life.

One bit of advice on connecting the theoretical to the practical when learning a new skill or toy is to experience it yourself first as much as practically possible. you have to understand what something feels like to be able use it to it's fullest potential. For instance if you want to learn to wield a flog. find someone who has the skill to teach you. and have them flog you the way they would a sub. it's different when you can feel the way the sensation builds feeling the way your endorphins course through your veins, taking you ever deeper into your own mind, feeling that shiver run down your spine as she punctuates the flogging by gently running her nails down your back. It's different than reading the theory or even practicing with a flog in your hand. it's easier to take a sub where you want her to go if you've been there yourself. it's also very reassuring to a new sub when you can say "it's OK I know what this is like. I've been where you are."

(in reply to StrongSpirit)
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RE: GAAAAKK!! what the hell... - 8/7/2008 8:34:29 PM   
CruelDesires


Posts: 824
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		I also whack myself with toys when I am buying them or checking them out so I know what they feel like before I use them on someone else. It helps to be able to gauge how much they hurt so you can control your intensity of play with them as an example.

C-D

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Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself.
Lois McMaster Bujold, "A Civil Campaign", 1999

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RE: GAAAAKK!! what the hell... - 8/7/2008 8:35:28 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		Really? I whack myself with toys to imagine what a motherfucker I am going to be able to be with them.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

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Profile   Post #: 11
RE: GAAAAKK!! what the hell... - 8/7/2008 8:35:34 PM   
Lynnxz


Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline 		Ahha! My favorite! A novice, honest dominant young guy, who has the common sense to ADMIT he isn't quite sure what's going on, and on top of that... holy crap he just asked for advice. Now, if I could please have you proceed to room two, where we will clone about 104 of you... the bdsm world is sadly lacking in people who's head is not firmly planted up their ass.

In all seriousness, this should be a lot of fun for you.. .it sounds a lot like the relationship that my friend and I started out with. Just admit you are new, start slowly with things, and figure out what you both are into. :D Trust me, subbies bounce, she will be quite fine. Do however, avoid dropping her down the steps. That's a long way to bounce.


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RE: GAAAAKK!! what the hell... - 8/7/2008 8:36:59 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CruelDesires

I also whack myself with toys when I am buying them or checking them out so I know what they feel like before I use them on someone else. It helps to be able to gauge how much they hurt so you can control your intensity of play with them as an example.

C-D


Very true.  I am not an endorphin producer, but it sure helps to use that inner thigh test to see just how fierce that new whatever is.  I have the bruises from this weekend's experiment still!  Hint---walmart is a good source for salt cedar switches! 

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[page 23 girl]



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Profile   Post #: 13
RE: GAAAAKK!! what the hell... - 8/7/2008 8:39:45 PM   
CruelDesires


Posts: 824
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Really? I whack myself with toys to imagine what a motherfucker I am going to be able to be with them.


Damn pervert!

C-D

_____________________________

Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself.
Lois McMaster Bujold, "A Civil Campaign", 1999

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RE: GAAAAKK!! what the hell... - 8/7/2008 9:31:14 PM   
angaothsi


Posts: 242
Joined: 11/12/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lynnxz

the bdsm world is sadly lacking in people who's head is not firmly planted up their ass.



Lynx.....please change adoration to lus....err....lov....er.....I REALLY LIKE YOU!

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He says she is immodest; Blames her amiss; What follows more, she murders with a kiss

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Profile   Post #: 15
RE: GAAAAKK!! what the hell... - 8/7/2008 9:36:14 PM   
Lynnxz


Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline 		*attacks ang*

Om nom nom nom nom


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HBIC



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Profile   Post #: 16
RE: GAAAAKK!! what the hell... - 8/7/2008 9:38:30 PM   
angaothsi


Posts: 242
Joined: 11/12/2005
Status: offline 		Wohooooo!

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He says she is immodest; Blames her amiss; What follows more, she murders with a kiss

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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: GAAAAKK!! what the hell... - 8/7/2008 9:40:13 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		OMG this is hot!


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to angaothsi)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: GAAAAKK!! what the hell... - 8/7/2008 9:55:32 PM   
Maxwell67


Posts: 435
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		Relax, be completely honest, but remain confident.. that is very important.. you can learn this, just go slow and have fun.  Try picking up some good books on the subject.  The Loving Dominant by John and Libby Warren and Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns by Phillip Miller and Moly Devon are excellent resources, as they were written for people just like you.  Assign her reading as well so that she can feel fully engaged in the process, though were I in your position I would have her reading works by Anais Nin and such.  Things she can use to help engage with things on a more visceral level as opposed to technical works.  Things that will motivate her to deepen her submission.  Then have her talk with you about them.  That will help you to learn more about how she relates personally to WIITWD, and keep the two of you focused and engaged in your journey together.

< Message edited by Maxwell67 -- 8/7/2008 10:10:50 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: GAAAAKK!! what the hell... - 8/7/2008 10:00:01 PM   
angaothsi


Posts: 242
Joined: 11/12/2005
Status: offline 		Maxwell67, those are two of the best books I can think of, wonderful advice!

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He says she is immodest; Blames her amiss; What follows more, she murders with a kiss

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