RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it?

RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (Full Version)

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corsetgirl -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 12:27:42 AM)
I would surround myself with friends and have always gone to different places including the munches and play events. I would write poetry just to get out my frustrations. I know when it is over, to walk away with dignity, you cannot change or try to get the ex-dom to love you. I think the best thing to do is to keep busy and when I felt really upset, I would always put on my shoes, get comfortable clothes and start taking a brisk walk on the treadmill. It is great to be stomping out your frustrations that makes you feel good and keeps you in shape. Oh yeah, and listening to some music is also good as it keeps you focused to look positively ahead for the future.

MistressOfGa -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 12:32:58 AM)
quote: And also - what does a Dom do after a breakup - what is His way of healing? I would love to hear more on this. I keep saying to myself, if you are looking in the rear view mirror, you may hit what is in front of you..and kill it. God help me..my heart is filled with pain. I sometimes think I will never laugh again, and then, bam! I am laughing at something Geoff says..or I am laughing over something my little poodle does. I keep praying for laughter, as this is what will get me through this, eventually. I am reminded every single day, just how human I really am. Tears have a way of doing that to someone.

Prinsexx -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 2:24:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: badlilthang i was released suddenly, and i wonder how other submissives or slaves deal with the various things. PS get dating again?

Prinsexx -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 2:27:47 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa I am reminded every single day, just how human I really am. Tears have a way of doing that to someone. You know i understand. I make lots of tea with sugar actually and write. The writing takes on a life of it's own. Thank god for writing. And i also post on here because i am not worried about looking conformist or being part of the club. It hurts like fuck-the-fuck and i think it hurts on both sides. But i guess the tough guys aren;t owning up they are just being flippant (as usual).

MidMichCowboy -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 6:07:21 AM)
How does anybody deal with a loss, Dom, sub, vanilla? I guess that depends on how much of yourself you have invested in the relationship or the person. After a relationship failure, I tend to withdraw and become more cautious. I concentrate on my family, my work and rethink my future. Human interaction is not a something to be taken lightly. Whatever the cause, the end of a relationship leaves a void, some pain and self questioning. I see life as a journey with many roads possible. When we have losses,we are given choices on which path to take at that point. It's a serious choice, because I've found it's almost impossible to retrace a path once taken but left. I don't think most people approach a relationship with the same seriousness or commitment. This imbalance is what leads to most of the pain caused by breakups. It's also why the breakups occur. It's why I've become much slower to commit. Is that good or is that bad? Most likely, some of both. Take the time to look at yourself and what you want out of life. Try and understand why that last relationship didn't work. Take strength from family and friends and go on.

CruelDesires -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 6:58:07 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa quote: And also - what does a Dom do after a breakup - what is His way of healing? I would love to hear more on this. I keep saying to myself, if you are looking in the rear view mirror, you may hit what is in front of you..and kill it. God help me..my heart is filled with pain. I sometimes think I will never laugh again, and then, bam! I am laughing at something Geoff says..or I am laughing over something my little poodle does. I keep praying for laughter, as this is what will get me through this, eventually. I am reminded every single day, just how human I really am. Tears have a way of doing that to someone. When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. Helen Keller Edited spelling C-D

RedMagic1 -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 7:16:51 AM)
I see human beings in a constant state of growth and development, and -- outside of death, maybe -- I don't think things really end. They transition. I don't like a woman because I'm sleeping with her; I sleep with her because I like her. Those qualities that caused me to like her, to be glad she was my friend, didn't suddenly disappear just because we're no longer getting nekkid around each other. There's an ego slam if she decides she's more sexually attracted to somebody else, sure. But there's a lot of things I refuse to compromise on/negotiate about. My choice to live that way and take the consequences. However, I think the all-or-nothing attitude many people have is just silly. "Either we're in a relationship or you're a loser and dead to me." WTF??? How about making friends for life, and expressing affection and love with your bodies when it's appropriate?

LaTigresse -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 7:34:30 AM)
It totally depends on the circumstances as to what my initial emotional reaction is. Sometimes it's just pure relief, sometimes sadness, sometimes anger......just depends. Whatever that is, it usually doesn't last long. I've mourned more heavily for the loss of a beloved furry companion than that of any relationship. After the initial emotion, I take stock, try to do some self analyzation and own up to my own responsibility in the problems. Then go on living life.

badlilthang -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 7:54:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NuevaVida * Snuggling with my kitty a lot. :) hehe...my male cat is more or less on my lap/couch as soon as i sit down...my female cat got enough of the forced cuddling..L..and is a bit perturbed... We are still communicating and figuring out how best to work out this transition. I am being honest with myself at all times, and with him when we talk. I have already received a handful of emails from people suggesting I immediately find another relationship - No thank you!! This is a perfect time for me to get to know myself even better, and to learn what I want in the future, and what didn't work in the past. It is an opportunity to grow, and I intend to do so. He did get in touch with me also - finally. I have a journal (we shared it - so i just changed a bit, but kept the password as is just in case He needed to read or comment), and He wrote me there. That will be all communication - but it will help us both with the healing process.

badlilthang -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 7:56:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Prinsexx quote: ORIGINAL: badlilthang i was released suddenly, and i wonder how other submissives or slaves deal with the various things. PS get dating again? No...smiles...that is not the way i function...i need time to heal and find myself again. Last time it took 3 years....i have good friends around - things to keep me busy - so no dating for me. hugs*

badlilthang -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 9:15:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: velvetears Maybe make up a ritual for yourself, a committment to yourself and your future dom/master, something that has meaning and will bring you a goal and purpose, like learning a new skill or writing to your future D what you are doing right now to prepare yourself for him.... just some thoughts. Hope you feel better soon hugs i do write - naked and honestly - i am the only one reading that blog anyway (well...and my ex if He so choses). i speak from my heart there, and this has always been my release when i hurt. No drugs - no alcohol - just words or work with my designs...i also write and design when i am happy, and those knowing me well - knows exactly what mood i was in when they see my work...s...in my webdesigns i am constantly learning new things and that has always been my safe place. i am feeling good, btw - sad, yes - but i just have to move on. There is no other choice..and my smile is with me...

badlilthang -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 9:20:08 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 However, I think the all-or-nothing attitude many people have is just silly. "Either we're in a relationship or you're a loser and dead to me." WTF??? How about making friends for life, and expressing affection and love with your bodies when it's appropriate? some people can not keep a friendship after the "love" is gone. They have to do a clean break, and have no more contact. That does not mean they think the other is a loser. We just deal with things a little differently

Tantriqu -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 9:21:10 AM)
Oh, and for specifics: For the worst breakup, I lay down on the living room carpet, played Henry Rollins 'Liar' on 'repeat' as the tears rolled into my ears, volunteered, and took a B&W photography course. And now I still volunteer, still develop my own pictures, but now I smile when I hear Henry Rollins ;-)

RedMagic1 -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 9:31:38 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: badlilthang some people can not keep a friendship after the "love" is gone. They have to do a clean break, Then did you really love him*, or just how he made you feel about yourself?

gypsygrl -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 9:47:49 AM)
quote: some people can not keep a friendship after the "love" is gone. They have to do a clean break, and have no more contact. That does not mean they think the other is a loser. We just deal with things a little differently I make clean breaks because of the D/s stuff. I need to, in effect, de-program myself. This isn't an issue of 'love' but of re-training so I'm no longer subject to the influence of that particular dominant. I don't mind if the feelings of love persist so long as I can get rid of the feelings of submission. And, in order to get rid of the feelings of submission, I have to eliminate contact for a while.

LaTigresse -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 9:48:59 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: badlilthang quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 However, I think the all-or-nothing attitude many people have is just silly. "Either we're in a relationship or you're a loser and dead to me." WTF??? How about making friends for life, and expressing affection and love with your bodies when it's appropriate? some people can not keep a friendship after the "love" is gone. They have to do a clean break, and have no more contact. That does not mean they think the other is a loser. We just deal with things a little differently Oh wow, I just cannot imagine NOT being friends with them.

Missokyst -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 10:06:16 AM)
I dont think a lot of people get that. At least in my experience it seems like women will jump in the sack with some one thinking they like us. And from what I hear of the younger set, is that if they dont do it, someone else will. Some time ago there was a preteen sex party thing in our town which was a huge scandal. But for the kids it was not sex. it was bj's. I kept thinking ok.. the guys are getting some thing out of it. whats in it for you? Then it dawned on me. that was affection to them. Times have changed. It does make it difficult for those of us who still want to like our partner before bedding him. But as for that all or nothing attitude, while I always remained friends after, I can see how it might not work for all. Great emotion leads to great loss at the end. Kyst quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 I don't like a woman because I'm sleeping with her; I sleep with her because I like her.

NuevaVida -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 10:09:34 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: gypsygrl quote: some people can not keep a friendship after the "love" is gone. They have to do a clean break, and have no more contact. That does not mean they think the other is a loser. We just deal with things a little differently I make clean breaks because of the D/s stuff. I need to, in effect, de-program myself. This isn't an issue of 'love' but of re-training so I'm no longer subject to the influence of that particular dominant. I don't mind if the feelings of love persist so long as I can get rid of the feelings of submission. And, in order to get rid of the feelings of submission, I have to eliminate contact for a while. I like what you said about "re-training." That's what I meant when I wrote about "taking my power" back. It's difficult, because I still love him so much, and we parted on good terms so there is no animosity at all. He misses me, too, and wants to remain in my life. We're still in communication, but I have really pulled back and distanced myself, in an effort to take ownership of myself back. It is not an easy process. I believe (and hope) we'll always be in each other's lives, as good friends, but what RedMagic1 said about "expressing love with your bodies when it's appropriate" - I don't think I could do that, without all those feelings of submission coming back. I think that would rip my heart out. To even fantasize about it makes me feel like I still belong to him, and then reality hits and - - wow. Hard stuff to work through. Oh and badlilthang, about the kitty - - when I was released I took off for a few days, to hang out with my brother and his wife. When I came home, kitty was starving for love and affection, so that worked out to my benefit! He hasn't left my side yet, except to totally crack me up with his playing. :)

gypsygrl -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 10:31:18 AM)
quote: I have really pulled back and distanced myself, in an effort to take ownership of myself back. Yup. :) This is exactly what I'm talking about. Unless you've been there, I don't think its possible to understand how all-consuming a focus a d can be for the s. When the D/s dynamic breaks down, for whatever reason, the s remains vulnerable to the d until s/he can 'get her power back.' As I experience it, this is an internal thing, and re-covering of what's always been there. To 'remain friends' through this process would only perpetuate the vulnerability/ dependency of the s. It doesn't mean friendship isn't possible at some later date. For me at least, there's important work to be done first, though.

NuevaVida -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 10:44:02 AM)
Exactly, Gypsygrl, and I think for as difficult as it is for the "s" to not fall into submissive patterns with the "d", the "d" likely has difficulting in not stepping into familiar behaviors with the "s". Right now Mr. W wants to help guide me through the transition of not beloning to him, and I'm thinking, "No No No!!! Don't DO that!!!" The whole thing is a bit confusing. He wants to help, but in helping, he isn't helping. Make sense? [&:]

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