RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it?

RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (Full Version)

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RedMagic1 -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 11:15:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: gypsygrl Unless you've been there, I don't think its possible to understand how all-consuming a focus a d can be for the s. Then, did you really love him, or how he made you feel about yourself? Your life has value even if you aren't in service to a dom. Doesn't it?

Maxwell67 -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 11:20:56 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NuevaVida Exactly, Gypsygrl, and I think for as difficult as it is for the "s" to not fall into submissive patterns with the "d", the "d" likely has difficulting in not stepping into familiar behaviors with the "s". Right now Mr. W wants to help guide me through the transition of not beloning to him, and I'm thinking, "No No No!!! Don't DO that!!!" The whole thing is a bit confusing. He wants to help, but in helping, he isn't helping. Make sense? [&:] This is the wise thing to do. Right now you have roles established between you and these are patterns of behavior which are extremely seductive in their familiarity. Even should you try to interact withthe most innocent of intentions there will be the strong temptation to just fall back into what you know. While I beleive that your former does have only good intentions, if he plays any dominant role, with you it is likely to end up with the two of you going back down the same road. It is decpetively difficult to shake off an established role with someone. It makes people very uncomfortable. This is why interventions are such nightmares. They force everyone out of the familiar established and often co-dependent roles and into unfamiliar territory... worse yet when worried someone might end up re-cast as "the bad guy" or "the failure" or some other role with equally negative connotations. No one wants that kind of role, and no one wants to see anyone they love saddled with it either. It is amazing to see just how much people will dance around an obvious problem for fear of putting the masks they wear in jeopardy. Amazing, yes, but not surprising. In any group when one persons mask slips out of place, it puts everyone elses in jeopardy (hence those frozen uncomfortable silences that so often accompany these events).

gypsygrl -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 11:27:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 quote: ORIGINAL: gypsygrl Unless you've been there, I don't think its possible to understand how all-consuming a focus a d can be for the s. Then, did you really love him, or how he made you feel about yourself? Your life has value even if you aren't in service to a dom. Doesn't it? I don't take a romantic approach to D/s. Its not like a monogamous vanilla relatinship to me, so the question doesn't really make sense. Even when I was with my ex-husband in a vanilla relationship, our connection wasn't a romantic one. Love develops over the course of the relationship, sure, but its not the foundation of the relationship. So, your first question isn't relevant to my personal intimacy model. I'm afraid it doesn't compute. :) Anymore, I'm pretty resistant to even being a primary in a relationship. Its just not something I'm good at. I don't think this non-romantic approach to D/s is uncommon. As for your second question, sure my life has value independant of my D/s relationships. Just ask my kids. Not sure why you're asking.

badlilthang -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 11:40:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 quote: ORIGINAL: badlilthang some people can not keep a friendship after the "love" is gone. They have to do a clean break, Then did you really love him, or just how he made you feel about yourself? i am still having a good friendship with my Master before this one. Ended after 7 years - rough, but it was too far apart distance wise - and we met too rarely for it to grow any further...My last Master chose to have no contact - i know why, and respect that. How i felt/feel has nothing to do with my comment about friendship/no friendship...smiles...i do - as much as i can - try to stay kind and stay friends - that is, as we all know, not always possible.

gypsygrl -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 11:47:49 AM)
quote: He wants to help, but in helping, he isn't helping. Make sense? Makes sense to me. :)

RedMagic1 -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 12:21:10 PM)
I'm asking because there's a lot of "self-absorption of submission" in the guise of "my precious gift of submission." Not saying doms are any better, men or women are any better, or anything like that. But if you had a fulfilling life the day before you met person X -- and especially if you have critical responsibilities, like offspring -- those sources of fulfillment are still there the day after you are not in a relationship with person X. On the other hand, if you thought your life sucked, and "serving" this guy was a way to transport yourself from dejection to subspace....... The crash-and-burn soap operas I have seen usually came about because someone thought it was really true that "You are my everything, and I just can't live without you," which is ultraromantic bullshit. There are much more important things in the universe than any one human being, and people who lose sight of that are emotionally myopic. Focus on those things. They didn't disappear just because your relationship with a single person changed.

Missokyst -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 12:39:06 PM)
Hmmm.... while that may be a part for some, it does not fit in my world. I am still in love with my X. He is still my partner professionally. He is my friend but I have distanced myself from him deliberately. We are friends now but with much less influence than when we were together. I had a life before him. I have responsibilities and value beyond what he brought to me. We parted because I chose to step back, and because he needed to step back. And so we are friends.. But, for my sake I have stepped back because I have to protect myself from letting those feelings resurface. When you become used to relying on someone and paying attention to what they want, it is a hard thing to abandon even when you are "just friends" For self preservation, many people have to step back and away from things they know will spark those old feelings. As a woman who loves deeply I know it does not leave when things end. As a sub who has committed to someones happiness above my own, I know that the drive to continue that is difficult to break. I suspect that is why so many people cannot remain friends at the end. Or need to step back from even a minor connection. Kyst

badlilthang -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 12:47:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 I'm asking because there's a lot of "self-absorption of submission" in the guise of "my precious gift of submission." Not saying doms are any better, men or women are any better, or anything like that. But if you had a fulfilling life the day before you met person X -- and especially if you have critical responsibilities, like offspring -- those sources of fulfillment are still there the day after you are not in a relationship with person X. On the other hand, if you thought your life sucked, and "serving" this guy was a way to transport yourself from dejection to subspace....... i have a very good life. Friends and family i care about - i am out doing things, and enjoying the vacation right now. i have never said otherwise. If my life sucked, i sure as hell would not count on a man to "save me". i am very happy with who i am and where i am in my life - the truth still remains - i lost Someone that i have talked to every single day since we met. Someone that slowly drew me closer. Someone i felt so in tune with - it was a bit frightening. He trained me - little by little - and suddenly, cut the cord. If You think that is just something to shrug at - and move on...and go back to my "ordinary" life - we are not on the same page. The crash-and-burn soap operas I have seen usually came about because someone thought it was really true that "You are my everything, and I just can't live without you," which is ultraromantic bullshit. There are much more important things in the universe than any one human being, and people who lose sight of that are emotionally myopic. Focus on those things. They didn't disappear just because your relationship with a single person changed. i think You need to go back and read my former posts. i AM moving on - i am ok....i am not falling apart - and i started this thread - asking how others dealt with their break-ups. It must be ok to hurt - it must be ok to rage - it is a part of the healing process. As to the "i can't live without you-bullshit"...why does it happen so often - if an old person loses his/her spouse after being together for 60 years or more - follow soon after? Because they could not find the will to live anymore....Online collars&relationships i agre on can be very shallow, and people jump from one to another...looking for something. Still - now and then, people bond - and creates something rare. And this was not a soap opera...i can live without Him - He obviously can live without me. i focus on what is important for me and mine - You focus on what is important for You...smiles...and yes - i still hurt, and i allow myself that - i still function quite nicely..winks

badlilthang -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 1:02:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Missokyst Hmmm.... while that may be a part for some, it does not fit in my world. I am still in love with my X. He is still my partner professionally. He is my friend but I have distanced myself from him deliberately. We are friends now but with much less influence than when we were together. I had a life before him. I have responsibilities and value beyond what he brought to me. We parted because I chose to step back, and because he needed to step back. And so we are friends.. But, for my sake I have stepped back because I have to protect myself from letting those feelings resurface. When you become used to relying on someone and paying attention to what they want, it is a hard thing to abandon even when you are "just friends" For self preservation, many people have to step back and away from things they know will spark those old feelings. As a woman who loves deeply I know it does not leave when things end. As a sub who has committed to someones happiness above my own, I know that the drive to continue that is difficult to break. I suspect that is why so many people cannot remain friends at the end. Or need to step back from even a minor connection. Kyst wisely spoken...and so true..hugs

NuevaVida -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 1:08:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Missokyst For self preservation, many people have to step back and away from things they know will spark those old feelings. As a woman who loves deeply I know it does not leave when things end. As a sub who has committed to someones happiness above my own, I know that the drive to continue that is difficult to break. I suspect that is why so many people cannot remain friends at the end. Or need to step back from even a minor connection. Kyst Bingo.

RedMagic1 -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 1:58:05 PM)
Which is a deeper commitment? (1) This person will be in my life, in some way, for the rest of my own life; or, (2) This person will be in my life as long as he/she is willing to play a certain role for me, and no longer. Kyst, as usual, you are much more diplomatic than I am, but to everybody else, let's get real here. There are plenty of female submissives, Missokyst included, who love deeply and don't have to step away forever. Or is it that submissives are somehow capable of "deeper" love than dominants? Do you really want to go there? What I keep hearing here is, "I'm committed to you until it hurts, or until you won't do what I want." Maybe the relationship changes. Maybe you need to take a breather from each other. But if you never want to see the guy again, the bottom line is that you made a bad choice. Either he was never worthy of your friendship and company, or he still is and you're treating him poorly.

gypsygrl -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 2:16:18 PM)
quote: I'm asking because there's a lot of "self-absorption of submission" in the guise of "my precious gift of submission." Not saying doms are any better, men or women are any better, or anything like that. But if you had a fulfilling life the day before you met person X -- and especially if you have critical responsibilities, like offspring -- those sources of fulfillment are still there the day after you are not in a relationship with person X. On the other hand, if you thought your life sucked, and "serving" this guy was a way to transport yourself from dejection to subspace....... The crash-and-burn soap operas I have seen usually came about because someone thought it was really true that "You are my everything, and I just can't live without you," which is ultraromantic bullshit. There are much more important things in the universe than any one human being, and people who lose sight of that are emotionally myopic. Focus on those things. They didn't disappear just because your relationship with a single person changed. Are you talking to me? I feel like I'm being lectured.

gypsygrl -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 2:18:49 PM)
quote: Which is a deeper commitment? (1) This person will be in my life, in some way, for the rest of my own life; or, (2) This person will be in my life as long as he/she is willing to play a certain role for me, and no longer. Kyst, as usual, you are much more diplomatic than I am, but to everybody else, let's get real here. There are plenty of female submissives, Missokyst included, who love deeply and don't have to step away forever. Or is it that submissives are somehow capable of "deeper" love than dominants? Do you really want to go there? What I keep hearing here is, "I'm committed to you until it hurts, or until you won't do what I want." Maybe the relationship changes. Maybe you need to take a breather from each other. But if you never want to see the guy again, the bottom line is that you made a bad choice. Either he was never worthy of your friendship and company, or he still is and you're treating him poorly. I think you missed what people were saying. Nowhere in this thread did I read anything along the lines of "I never want to see him again." Most of the responses involved practical things people did to help them deal with the end of a D/s relationship.

badlilthang -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 2:34:43 PM)
I think you missed what people were saying. Nowhere in this thread did I read anything along the lines of "I never want to see him again." Most of the responses involved practical things people did to help them deal with the end of a D/s relationship. [/quote]BINGO!!!!!! i started the thread asking what people do to deal with a break up - what they do to move on...somehow it turned around to something totally different...smiles

Missokyst -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 3:23:46 PM)
heh... that might work for me if I had my panties down while standing in a corner. But, to respond.. While I don't think it is a male, vs female, love is deeper thing,,, But I DO think it is a submissive thing. Because so much of us is wrapped up in the need to cater to our mate. So much of who we are demands that, that it is hard to step back. I distanced myself for a time so that he wouldnt fall into old habits of wanting me to wait on him. Over time he was able to see that and stop (with some help from me). But even after all this time I have to stop myself from seeing him as my dominant. I really think that when you are dominant, you either have someone to cater to you, or you find someone who will. Or you are accustomed to doing it yourself But as a sub, we are used to doing that, and if you do it for someone for a long time, it is as natural as breathing. And that sparks old feelings. And that means a longer period of adjustment. Kyst quote: ORIGINAL: gypsygrl Are you talking to me? I feel like I'm being lectured.

lally3 -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 3:25:06 PM)
mostly, i tell myself that however bad it feels right now, i know for definite that the acute pain will pass, the emptyness and loss will pass and i reflect at what ive learned from it. if there was a ritual in the day then i change it to a ritual thats mine and private. i do make the break, when feelings are so intense i make an absolute break, because any window that might be there will play on your mind. so, with your journal, leaving it open for him to read will play on your mind. has he read it today, is he still interested enough in me maybe for him to read it today. is he feeling my pain, is he regretting, is he missing me, is he thinking of me, has he read my thoughts and feelings today... you need to make the break. hard as it is, that final link is still keeping you linked to him, a thin thread that ties him to you and plays on your mind. also, im afraid to say, that in my experience, when a man has moved on, he really has - and i remind myself of that too. so that whatever im feeling is pointless. so i really do focus on the future and tell myself that no matter how bad this feels itll feel better one day in the future and i focus on that day, whenever it is, because i know it will come.

RedMagic1 -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 4:21:42 PM)
I apologize then. I am clearly not expressing myself well.

NuevaVida -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 7:26:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 I apologize then. I am clearly not expressing myself well. I think I understand what you are saying. When I was divorcing my ex husband, I still wanted to be in each other's lives. His response - "I don't want you as my friend, I want you as my WIFE" and he made it clear he would be out of my life if I divorced him. I did, he is, and in our case, it is best. But what I'm trying to say regarding my release from my Master, is that I need some time right now to sort out my thoughts, without the influence of my nature to submit to him and his nature to dominate me. That might clutter things in my transition. I would love for us to remain in each other's lives, and we both plan to do just that. I just need some space to process what is happening, without melting into tears every time I hear his voice. I think others in this thread were saying something similar. I don't think anyone is saying, "I'm done with you now, go away." Although some might feel that way...[8D]

Sandyshores29718 -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 7:36:31 PM)
fast reply When I fell in love with my old play partner and he just up and left it was something I've never felt before. I was about as close to a slave as I will become with that man. I loved him so much that life without him was not life, but hell. It took me almost three months and I'm sure it would have been a lot longer had it not been for my play partner now and my love. For those three months I was a rollercoaster of emotions...at one moment I would be happy and then the next I would be crying so hard I would rock and hold myself cause it felt like my heart was being stepped on. Both my play partner and love have helpped me over come that pain. I've just never felt pain that hurt so bad I could not breathe and it be from the soul.. hug I hope your doing well. It will take time...and it took me falling in love with another to help me get over him. It also helpped he moved back to Ohio from Tennessee and we dont talk at all anymore..the other week I emailed him just asking how life was and still no reply..life is better that way I'm sure.

patina -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 7:38:02 PM)
Me i cried for 2 days then contacted friends and told them not to ask questions. I bought some new clothes, made soup, did housework., after a few weeks redid a new profle. It still hurts though. trying to be careful on who i chose to meet and deal with. patina

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