RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion



Message

Missokyst -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/10/2008 8:48:29 PM)

Hmmm... I didnt even think of the things I do to distract myself until tonight.  I used to make dolls or write stories.  Since our split I have purchased 18 corsets, bought new clothes.. I can't even go near doll making which I associate with my time with him (he encouraged me).  I thought about this tonight.. I have switched to making quilts.
I have one traditional, one is a free form black on white sillouette of reeds and egrets, and just now I started some oriental pattern in greens. It is HOT here.  I toss them on my bed for looks and not for warmth.  I think I see a new ebay career in m future.  I tried nilla dating but it doesnt really click for me. 
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: patina

Me i cried for 2 days then contacted friends and told them not to ask questions.  I bought some new clothes, made soup, did housework.,  after a few weeks redid a new profle.  It still hurts though.


trying to be careful on who i chose to meet and deal with.

patina




MistressOfGa -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/11/2008 5:15:08 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CruelDesires

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa

quote:

And also - what does a Dom do after a breakup - what is His way of healing?

I would love to hear more on this. I keep saying to myself, if you are looking in the rear view mirror, you may hit what is in front of you..and kill it.

God help me..my heart is filled with pain. I sometimes think I will never laugh again, and then, bam! I am laughing at something Geoff says..or I am laughing over something my little poodle does. I keep praying for laughter, as this is what will get me through this, eventually.

I am reminded every single day, just how human I really am. Tears have a way of doing that to someone.


When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.
Helen Keller
 
Edited spelling

 
C-D


C-D
Thank you for the quote. It helps a lot. I am bound and determined to heal.



MistressOfGa -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/11/2008 6:06:51 AM)

~~FR~~
 
I suppose I will weigh in on this. After close to 4 years in my collar, my pup asked for release. He has his own reasons which I won't discuss here, but I will say, I do not agree with them.
He would like to remain friends, because we were always best friends, but I can't. His leaving was sudden and I was unprepared for the pain that it caused me. I can relate with Sandyshores when she wrote: "I was a rollercoaster of emotions...at one moment I would be happy and then the next I would be crying so hard I would rock and hold myself cause it felt like my heart was being stepped on." and she also wrote "I've just never felt pain that hurt so bad I could not breathe and it be from the soul.. ". (Hugs to you Sandy, bless your heart)
 
I have so been there, am still there. For close to 4 years, I talked to him every single day. I helped him with decision making, I gave advice, I gave orders and I gave myself. When I hear his voice on the phone, I feel like my heart is lodged in my throat and I can't breathe. I can't remain friends, because with every phone call, with every word, I am reminded that I was a part of something that people just don't find every day and it just plain hurts too much right now. I have changed my phone number, not because he calls me, but because he might and if he does, I don't want the onslaught of pain that I thought I was healing from.
 
I have taken youngsubgeoff under consideration. Most would say it is too soon, but I say, I don't have the luxury of time and I want to grab happiness as soon as I find it. He makes me happy. He makes me smile. For those two things, I would give anything.
 
So you may offer me condolences but I would rather you extend your hand in congratulations.
 
For those who are hurting and feel that you can't possibly move forward, I ask you this..If you knew you only had a year to live, would you spend that last year of your life mourning the past, or would you choose to live the rest of your short life in happiness?
 
I think if all of us lived our lives like we don't have much of it left, we wouldn't spend so much of it yearning for yesterday.
 
Hugs,



marieToo -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/11/2008 7:43:26 AM)

The worst break-up was with my first Dom.  I had gotten so accustomed to feeling his control in my life, that I didn't know which way to turn after he was no longer there.  I think it's good when a former Dom can actually prepare and/or help the submissive with the transition after it ends. Unfortunately that isn't always the case.  And in my case, I think it would have hurt too much anyway to still be in contact with him. 

Now, when a relationship ends, I go in the opposite direction and deliberately enjoy the freedom to do whatever I want, whenever I want.   The way I dealt with my last relationship ending was to confide in a close friend, and just talk it out and vent a bit.  
If I ever get that little twinge for him on occasion, all I have to do is remind myself of a conversation we had in which he told me that he has a "pattern of crushing women emotionally" to a point where they "go off the deep end", and that he couldn't figure out what he was doing to cause that.  That reminder consoles me a lot because it makes me feel like I was spared and I would have been hurt a lot worse if I had changed my life for him, then been released for his latest whim.  I guess it's cliche, but I've always believed that things happen for the best, even when that means a break-up.

In two other cases, it helped me a lot to take some time alone to re-adjust, then resume a friendship with them.  I think that's really the best option, but not always possible.



leadership527 -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/11/2008 9:46:40 AM)

You know bad, I spent a lot (way too much) time in corporate american in management positions.  As such, I was subjected to an endless series of "Transition and change management" classes because... well... corporate american thinks they're cool I guess.  For the most part, they were all utterly worthless.  However, one time, one of these instructors said something to me that was so wonderfully clear and useful that it almost made all those other wasted hours worthwhile.

People do not fear change.  They fear being marginalized by the change.

Applied to your case, it is not the loss of a potential mate that makes this so awful.  It's the fact that wrapped up in that are the thought paths of, "I'll never find a suitable companion.  I'm not good enough.  If I couldn't make this work, what about the next one.  etc."  One turns that around by perceiving how this change is going to be GOOD for you, not bad.  You know... one door closing is another opening.  Think of all you learned in this relationship which will help you in the next one... how can you fail now?  etc.

In the end, grief is grief for what was lost and must be experienced.  But "getting through" that grief is largely a function of how optimistic you are about whatever comes next.



KnightofMists -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/11/2008 10:42:27 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: badlilthang

of course there is an answer. One for each person - not a universal cure. And i did ask how others solved it and also told how i solved it.Just thought it interesting to know.



I agree that there is no universal answer... and I am not so sure an individual answer will be true for every relationship that ends.  There are so many variables that can affect what a person goes through in such a situation.  I had a few different relationships end and each one was unique in the ending and what I did about it.  I would also say that.... the person you end it with or ends it with you has an influence on what a person will do as well, at least I know it affected what choices I made.

But... I do like what LaM said in the early part of this thread....  Not forgeting/remembering Why the relationship ended as been an important factor in going forward..... problem is for some...  They either don't want to accept the Why of it or don't know the Why of it... that makes it much harder I am thinking.



badlilthang -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (8/11/2008 1:08:47 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

People do not fear change.  They fear being marginalized by the change.

Applied to your case, it is not the loss of a potential mate that makes this so awful.  It's the fact that wrapped up in that are the thought paths of, "I'll never find a suitable companion.  I'm not good enough.  If I couldn't make this work, what about the next one.  etc."  One turns that around by perceiving how this change is going to be GOOD for you, not bad.  You know... one door closing is another opening.  Think of all you learned in this relationship which will help you in the next one... how can you fail now?  etc.
*what i learned is - give it all - lose it all*...yeah yeah...melodramatic, i know - laughs - but it is so raw still...tomorrow i will feel something else...like - His loss....He had the best...*L*

*well...i know for a fact i walked the extra mile for this one and then some. It still ended - and this is what i am dealing with now. If it had ended in a fight - disagreement - another woman coming into the picture - etc...it would had been something i could grasp and work on. i was told it was not my fault at all - that i did my best - and i got kind words explaining that i did nothing wrong...no matter how it is twisted and turned around to sound nice - the end answer is - He left - and i have to deal with this in my own way. Had He been an asshole - i would have remembered all the bad times. He was not an ass. He is a warm, kindhearted, smart and very clever man. So why i am struggling now is because i truly do not know how to feel. i AM looking forward, but my heart is scared - trust is broken. And the only thought i have right now i never again. it takes a LOT out of a slave to surrender her will and her everything to One  - and then have to pick herself up without any guidance. i have friends, luckily - that i can talk to. Doms mostly - and a few gems that popped up from the board here..."thank you all"...i have female friends from where i chat - but none of them are slaves..mostly "submissive light" - so it is hard for me to explain the total loss of me in all of this.
And just to say it again - i am living a good life. i ride my Harley - i do my designs...i am working on myself and my strength - it will just take the time it takes....*smiles*....

In the end, grief is grief for what was lost and must be experienced.  But "getting through" that grief is largely a function of how optimistic you are about whatever comes next.

*and this is what i am doing....in my own speed...and also why i was curious how others solved it.*



CountrySong -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (9/3/2008 10:31:25 PM)

Hello badlilthang,
From my perspective as a Dom/sm switch. It all depends on how deep my heart is invested. When my heart was not fully invested I was able to recover fairly quickly. When my heart was fully invested it takes longer because I never stop loving the people who have shared my journey. The last relationship where my heart was fully invested ended with a call about 7 months ago. After almost 3 years she said - "You don't seen happy any more." and "I'm in love, but not with you."

Since then I've done a lot:
  • I've kept our joint journal posting the major life changes that have causes me to bleed emotionally - almost reuniting, her pregnancy, her handfasting to her new non-lifestyle partner, and the final post will be the birth of her child.
  • I grabbed onto friends and family and held on for dear life.
  • I gave myself a focus by working on fixing the things that destroyed our love - relearning simple happiness, working on accepting monogomy instead of my poly nature, getting into shape and rebuilding health, building financial freedom so that I can really offer someone the 24/7 they desire, and building a more vanilla life.
  • Slowly learning to be alone again. The harded part was the dreams where I could feel, taste, and smell her.
  • I even put together a scrapbook of our time, joys, and poetry.

Not that I have not made mistakes.  I got involved with a couple of subs who did not share my long term dreams.

Over time I've slowly healed. Reopened to love; but, I'm still waiting until I've finished fixing the things that failed. Hopefully by DEC I'll be able to start really looking for the right partner.
Peace and healing.



MistressOfGa -> RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? (9/4/2008 12:03:07 AM)

Deleted By MoGa. I forgot I had already answered this one. <shakes head>



Page: <<   < prev  1 2 3 [4]

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
3.515625E-02