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after it ends...how do we deal with it? - 8/9/2008 5:09:17 PM   
badlilthang


Posts: 357
Joined: 6/22/2006
Status: offline 		i was released suddenly, and i wonder how other submissives or slaves deal with the various things. All the things we have had to do - tasks - rules to follow - journal to keep etc. This is how i solved it:

Tasks:  i had a task to everyday - i was to have His pic up,  was to medidate - and then..well..rest of the task was personal. i kept the meditation, it was good for me - but removed the pic and the personal part.

Rules - these i obviously do not follow anymore. Null and void after the release.

Last - was to keep a journal for us, and i still do. i will change the heading  a bit, and i can rant and rave there a bit and get it out of  my system. Writing has always been theraphy to me. i did not change the password - so He is free to read.

What do other submissives and slaves do to heal? And also - what does a Dom do after a breakup - what is His way of healing?

< Message edited by badlilthang -- 8/9/2008 5:15:54 PM >

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RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? - 8/9/2008 5:12:21 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Keep what feels good, discard the rest. You are doing good things.
Above all, being happy and living well is the best thing, and you don't need a dominant in order to do that.
If it ended badly or uncomfortably, just remembering that can be enough to ward off any bad feelings you may get.


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“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

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RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? - 8/9/2008 5:16:20 PM   
IdiotMale


Posts: 132
Joined: 10/5/2005
Status: offline 		People have been asking this question forever and the truth of the matter is that there is no answer.Everyone deals in their own way and assuming they can move on,in their own time as well.

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RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? - 8/9/2008 5:23:33 PM   
badlilthang


Posts: 357
Joined: 6/22/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: IdiotMale

People have been asking this question forever and the truth of the matter is that there is no answer.Everyone deals in their own way and assuming they can move on,in their own time as well.


of course there is an answer. One for each person - not a universal cure. And i did ask how others solved it and also told how i solved it.Just thought it interesting to know.


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.Forgiveness is the fragrance a flower leaves in the air after being crushed underfoot.

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RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? - 8/9/2008 5:25:58 PM   
velvetears


Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline 		The things you had to do were things that helped you feel your submission to your dom, they can't be replaced without finding a new dom. There will be a void for a while, no way to avoid it, sorry to say only time will help that.  i agree with Idiotmale - everyone's way to heal is personal to them and there is no one universal way. 

Maybe make up a ritual for yourself, a committment to yourself and your future dom/master, something that has meaning and will bring you a goal and purpose, like learning a new skill or writing to your future D what you are doing right now to prepare yourself for him.... just some thoughts. Hope you feel better soon *hugs* 

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Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

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RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? - 8/9/2008 5:27:00 PM   
Tantriqu


Posts: 2026
Joined: 12/29/2006
Status: offline 		They say women mourn, men replace.

I do both.  Fortunately I've only had to get rid of a few totally unsuitable individuals.  The majority were worth a period of reminiscence, regret and reassessment, to ensure there wasn't anything I would have done differently. 

First, I make sure I'm eating well, exercising, and having plenty of solo orgasms.  If I don't sleep, shrug, I know it's only temporary, so after an hour or so of tossing and turning, if an orgasm doesn't help, I get up and do household chores until I'm bored enough to go back to bed.  I also write down the good and the bad; the good to remember the fun, the bon mots, the great sex, the bad to remember why we'll never be together. 
Within a month I gather up all the little things that remind me of him, write the last letter I'll never send, store them all in a beautiful little box, and tuck it away where I'll never see it.   While I'm there, I re-read love letters from other ex-'s, and smile, roll my eyes, cry, and get aroused, usually in equal parts.

Then I go through my Toybox, throw away the used or unuseable [I never recycle toys], reline it in another colour of satin, and literally and figuratively Go Shopping for my next good dog! :-)

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RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? - 8/9/2008 5:28:39 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		We had no tasks, no protocal, no outward signs that were designed to reinforce my feelings of submission.  What we did was chat online every night we were not together.  Every night, for 7 yrs, and then nothing.  It was very hard to lose that nightly connection.
I write, but only because I am writing my life, it was not designed for him but he has a part in the story.
What I did to settle was drop into old habits of discrete cutting.  Not a good thing I know, but it helped to distract me for a short while.  I made my messenger unable to recieve any message from anyone who is not on my friends list, and I took his name off.  One, so I wouldnt ever see him online and miss our chats.  And two, so that he could not keep me dangling waiting for and hoping to chat with him, grateful for any contact.  He is only able to contact me now for work.  I turn off my phone if it is not in working hours and days.  It has been tough.  But I am used to tough.
Kyst

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RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? - 8/9/2008 5:30:12 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		While I am sure the His was only becasue you are female and the one you split with is male, we Female Dominants have our share of difficulties after splits as well. I will openly admit having been glad soe of my former relationships went the way of the dinosaur, but you still miss the little things even if you do ot miss the person who was doing them. I had to adjust to not checking someone elses email and bank accounts on a regular basis. My calender looked empty with only one persons schedule on there.
When I cope, I surround myself with friends and keep extremely busy. My last major breakup, which was my divorce, I moved and joined habitat for humanity. Buring ones troubles helping others can be amazingly theraputic.  also involved myself in Make a Wish foundation.  One of the little boys there told me "You shouldnt be so sad, if some guy was stupid enough not to realize how great you are, thats his problem. I am kinda glad he was so dumb, or you wouldnt be here with me"  I am well over my divorce, and very happily reinvolved, but I still try and participate in the groups now when I have time...
Keep the good, rid yourself of the bad, and make you happy before you worry about making someone else happy again.

DV


_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

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RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? - 8/9/2008 5:51:55 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		Good topic, being there myself right now.  I had lots of rules and protocols, and journaled to him daily.  I am doing the following:

* Surrounding myself with people who love me

* Journaling to myself

* Taking my power back in the ways that I can

* Staying busy

* Finding my center, which is within me, and meditating on it

* Focusing on my future and moving forward

* Keeping my mind filled with positive and hopeful thoughts.  I have much to be grateful for and there are no ill feelings between us at all.

* Using the tools I learned while owned by him to forge ahead, and focusing on my strength and abilities to do so

* Reminding myself that life is good, despite the hurdles we come across. 

* Refusing to wallow in sadness, while still allowing myself to feel what I feel

* Talking about it with people who understand and can offer wise insight

* Snuggling with my kitty a lot. :)

We are still communicating and figuring out how best to work out this transition.  I am being honest with myself at all times, and with him when we talk.  I have already received a handful of emails from people suggesting I immediately find another relationship - No thank you!!  This is a perfect time for me to get to know myself even better, and to learn what I want in the future, and what didn't work in the past.  It is an opportunity to grow, and I intend to do so.

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Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



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RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? - 8/9/2008 5:57:28 PM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline 		The stress of the relationship made me more than just a little neurotic/magical thinkingy, so I worked on that.

I took advantage of the heartache to mourn my mother properly, something I didn't have time or space to do right after she passed away.  I made a shrine for her and whenever I was feeling loss, I directed the feeling at the shrine.

I spent alot of time alone, thinking.

I tried to stay busy and take care of myself.

I made sure to stay involved in the local bd/sm community so I wouldn't get too isolated, and made sure I had reasons for getting out of my apartment.

I kept some rules, the ones that made sense to me.  The others I let slide.

Mostly, I guess I just tried to feel whatever feelings were being generated at any given time, be they anger, sadness, confusion, fear etc...without getting stuck in any one place.


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“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin


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RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? - 8/9/2008 6:01:41 PM   
playfulotter


Posts: 2195
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Wow..this whole thing happened to me in the last 5-6 weeks and i want to tell what happened (and have in a few private emails)..but i feel i should keep it private...but hooo waaa to those who can put it all out there!

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RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? - 8/9/2008 6:50:36 PM   
curiouscoyote


Posts: 15
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline 		I also just got let go. the only things I can add are give it time, find what works for you to make you happy in yourself and do it, and be sure to give those feelings their time to come out. Oh and I would also suggest not jumping right into another relashionship. Been there done that burned the t-shirt. Although I have heard that that works for some people. But then everyone works differently.

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RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? - 8/9/2008 7:05:37 PM   
dualityinmotion


Posts: 18
Joined: 8/7/2008
Status: offline 		Diurnal Vampire, your ideas are wonderful!   I'm in the midst now, too, and it really helps to think of others, make them a priority. 

Bad lil thang, when i journal, i do it only for me, but i write what i feel and why...including why this went badly, so if i ever think of going back, i'll remember why NOT to.

I also include him in my gratitude prayers...for the lessons learned through the relationship.  Seems like the more it hurts when it ends, the more i have learned as a result.  Growth is like that, i guess.

And though friends and support are key, i do not look to replace Him.  The universe will send that when i'm ready.  i have no desire, but i've also learned to never say "never".

If it's any comfort, you are not alone.

duality


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RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? - 8/9/2008 7:08:47 PM   
silkncarol


Posts: 318
Status: offline 		Your topic brought back lots of feelings and thoughts of how i managed my own release from His collar....
though the circumstances were different....He passed away suddenly....learning to deal with the life change was the same.....

I tried to conduct myself with strength and dignity...He would have expected that of me.
There were days i had to make myself not wallow in sorrow, or play the "what if" or "could have been" game...
and there were days i just let myself feel every emotion....tears, anger, hurt, pain....
I surrounded myself with family and friends.
I avoided all the places and things that had been "ours" and learned to make my own new places.
I tried to stay active in the local community...at least make an appearance at munches and gatherings.  
I packed special items into a Memory Box....my collar and our contracts, cards, notes, mementos of our life.
I moved His leather and boots to another closet.
I learned to take one day at a time....sometimes it felt like hour to hour, but i got thru it and remembered how strong and capable i could be.

You have to remember it's not the end of the world.....life goes on and you will too. 
You can't change the past, you can only remember, learn from every experience and use it for personal growth.
One day the memories bring smiles instead of pain.....and you realized "hey, i'm ok" and you keep moving forward.! 


_____________________________

We attract hearts by the qualities we display. We retain them by the qualities we possess.

Shoes can change your life................. Cinderella

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RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? - 8/9/2008 7:13:04 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		LOL I always laugh when someone says "whoa, you really put it all out there" as if it is foreign in someway.  For me, I see problems like a wound. When I cover it up it multiplies beneath the surface becoming larger and more grotesque.  I only want to pluck at it and cut it from me.  If I let the air in and expose it to the elements, there is less chance of a festering sore poisoning my bloodstream.
Weep, wail, scream silently.. and then forgive.  It has always been my choice, and with the exception of my ex husband all my ex's are still friends.
Kyst

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RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? - 8/9/2008 7:42:17 PM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline 		loud rock music and lots of horror movies and comdies

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RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? - 8/9/2008 7:58:27 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		I'm odd, I just kick the reptile into gear and stop caring.

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I'm not taking custom orders.

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RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? - 8/9/2008 8:29:44 PM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: badlilthang

i was released suddenly, and i wonder how other submissives or slaves deal with the various things. All the things we have had to do - tasks - rules to follow - journal to keep etc. This is how i solved it:

Tasks:  i had a task to everyday - i was to have His pic up,  was to medidate - and then..well..rest of the task was personal. i kept the meditation, it was good for me - but removed the pic and the personal part.

Rules - these i obviously do not follow anymore. Null and void after the release.

Last - was to keep a journal for us, and i still do. i will change the heading  a bit, and i can rant and rave there a bit and get it out of  my system. Writing has always been theraphy to me. i did not change the password - so He is free to read.

What do other submissives and slaves do to heal? And also - what does a Dom do after a breakup - what is His way of healing?

Keep the journal......
It has turned into something quite creative and so my publisher feels (not meant as a brag) well it has become something valueable and interesting in it's own right.
Start a slave's journal publishing house....anyone from a publishing house reading this?

As for tasks: the tasks i do anyways like making precise breakfats and cleaning house and well servicing the home and my kids. these i do by nature anyway.
It's the flashbacks and the associations that can be really sad though because well you know the floggings and the punishmentsand the Master aren't there to reinforce the tasks....ahh well....

< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 8/9/2008 8:31:44 PM >

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Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
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To my stalker:
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RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? - 8/9/2008 8:37:14 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		It sucks for a while--there's really nothing you can do about that.  But what has really helped on a couple of occasions is an unexpected little episode reminding me of why the relationship failed in the first place.  That cures me of my nostalgia and helps me move on.

quote:

ORIGINAL: badlilthang

And also - what does a Dom do after a breakup - what is His way of healing?

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RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? - 8/9/2008 10:07:35 PM   
silkncarol


Posts: 318
Status: offline 		Yep.....very true in a break-up.....nothing like a dose of reality to remind you why it wasn't working......something i try to do is keep moving forward....not backwards into the same disfunctional relationship again.  I do try and have some kinda closure with the person....i'd like to know and understand where it went wrong.  If i cared enough to be IN a relationship with them, then i want to try and remain friends, if that's possible.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

It sucks for a while--there's really nothing you can do about that.  But what has really helped on a couple of occasions is an unexpected little episode reminding me of why the relationship failed in the first place.  That cures me of my nostalgia and helps me move on.

quote:

ORIGINAL: badlilthang

And also - what does a Dom do after a breakup - what is His way of healing?



_____________________________

We attract hearts by the qualities we display. We retain them by the qualities we possess.

Shoes can change your life................. Cinderella

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
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