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What is it that defines you? - 8/12/2008 1:16:32 PM

stella41b

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Some people say it's advisable to have a firm basis for self-worth on something other than a personal relationship which is something I've managed to avoid, due to lack of personal relationship. However I read through these boards and I can't help thinking that there are a few whose sense of self appears to be inextricably bound up in a D/s relationship - more often it seems among submissives but I would imagine that this is also the case for some dominants. Another level of complexity as it were is added by marriage, where the permanence can make it seem like it's the only non-negotiable feature in someone's life. Then too you have the family.

But maybe then it's something where I have something to learn. I'm interested in what other people out there think, and how they see it. Do you think it's a good thing to try and put or keep the focus of your identity in something other than your relationships? If so, do you manage to achieve this? Or do you see this completely differently?

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RE: What is it that defines you? - 8/12/2008 1:23:07 PM

LaTigresse

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Interesting questions Stella.

I think that there are many things that define us. The family we were born into, our childhood experiences, our education. Where we've lived, the people in our lives, the skills we've learned and the mistakes we've made. How we've learned from our mistakes, how we treat others and how we inspire others to treat us. And on and on.

I think it is our individual life paths combined with the unique personality and spirits we started out with.

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: What is it that defines you? - 8/12/2008 1:27:57 PM

RCdc

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Life and how we decide to live it.

the.dark.

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love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: What is it that defines you? - 8/12/2008 1:32:56 PM

KnightofMists

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What defines me is my character and values....

My actions/inactions are only a reflection of the complex person that I am. However, if one is to know who I am... they will have to invest the time to be witness of my actions/inactions as well as talk to me directly and learn how I see myself.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to stella41b)

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RE: What is it that defines you? - 8/12/2008 1:33:51 PM

softness

Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
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The choices I make, and how I enact them.

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RE: What is it that defines you? - 8/12/2008 1:41:06 PM

leadership527

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Obviously, real humans are defined by a complex gestalt of concepts. I'm assuming you mean "Pick some primary concept that you think is core to yourself." If that's the question, I'll offer up two ways that I define myself (not necessarily how others see me).

a) I succeed. It doesn't matter how impossible the challenge or how ill-equipped I am for it.
b) I'm good. That is to say, generally people are better off for having known me. I try to help where I can.

Far be it from me to tell other people how they should or should not define themselves. But in general, the more broadly you define yourself, the more flexible you are in the myriad of situations that life throws at all of us.

(in reply to stella41b)

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RE: What is it that defines you? - 8/12/2008 1:41:17 PM

batshalom

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First, lovely new photo, stella.

I tended to put my focus on relationships but found, imagine, that the relationship actually suffered because of it for reasons too numerous and intricate to list and explain here, and I think the reasons are the same for most everyone who tends on only nurture a relationship rather than keep a focus outside.

If you keep a focus on your own identity, who and what you are, your evolution as a person all the way through your life, you can keep a better grasp on the fun and excitement so prevalent in new relationships. A sure way to stagnate is to stop living, whether it's D/s, M/s, or something altogether different.

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RE: What is it that defines you? - 8/12/2008 1:42:21 PM

oceanwynds

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Greetings stella. Good question. i have found it difficult throughout my life to define myself as a part of 'only this', be it a relationship, spiritual belief and ect. i am many things and have recreated myself over and over again, but the truth is i am only oceanwynds. i am experiencing life and do not fit well in anyone's interpertation of what a submissive, witch, wife, mother, daughter, healer etc should be. i cannot box myself in with any other's definition of what we are to be or not be. When i have tried to do so, i would find myself in a mind of total chaos. Going against my natural flow to fit in is very unproductive to me.
Thank you for posting this question.
Blessings,
oceanwynds

(in reply to stella41b)

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RE: What is it that defines you? - 8/12/2008 1:45:22 PM

Missokyst

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Since I tend to have long term relationships with an equally long time in between, I need to have a healthy sense of self otherwise. My identity is not dependant on my role. I rely more on my skills to define me. What I know, what I can learn, and figuring out ways to make things work, help me appreciate myself.
Kyst

< Message edited by Missokyst -- 8/12/2008 1:53:36 PM >

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RE: What is it that defines you? - 8/12/2008 1:48:37 PM

NuevaVida

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My intentions, hopes, compassions, and overall character. These may adapt and evolve over time as I experience life. Sometimes I look inward to review who I am and make adjustments, if necessary. I find that to be a healthy practice, to ensure I am on the path I want to be on, or should be on. Sometimes those adjustments are just a bit of tweaking here and there, and sometimes they take great effort. Either way, it is good to reflect on who I am.

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Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to stella41b)

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RE: What is it that defines you? - 8/12/2008 1:53:45 PM

MidMichCowboy

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Stella, you always ask good questions. Here is my answer from one of my journal entries:
Someone asked me to describe myself. That is not an easy task. In all the years I’ve lived with myself, at times, I’m still a stranger.

I’m a father. My umms are my focus. I consider them to be the biggest trust I’ve ever been given. With my umms, I have great patience. I take joy in talking to them and sharing how they look at life. It’s nice to be able to see life through such young eyes. It gives one the courage to go on and the courage to want to make the world a better place.

I am a cowboy. I grew up on a ranch. I’ve delivered many a calf in the dark of the night. I’ve had to reach inside and rearrange them so that they could come out. I’ve nursed sick animals and harvested those for food that we needed, respecting them and being thankful for the gifts they would give to us all. I think more people should understand the circle of life and appreciate our place in it.

I’m a horseman. I’ve been riding horse since I was very young. I’ve ridden horse, working cattle. I’ve been out on drives in good weather and bad. I’ve had to deal with wild cows attacking and snow storms before the cattle were home. I’ve ridden rough stock and I’ve raced. I’ve jumped horses and seen how others ride. I think that being around horses has improved me. It gives me peace and confidence that so many lack today. Learning to master a horse takes a mind set that many do not have anymore. You must show confidence and inspire confidence. You must learn to guide an animal and teach it to trust you, more than it trusts its instincts. You must develop balance and stamina to ride. It’s not a sport for those who think they are just going to sit and be carried along. Go dashing through the woods, slide down a hill and jump a 4 foot fence at the bottom. It’s not sedate. J

I’m a liberal politically. I go back to the writings and beliefs of Thomas Jefferson. I believe in a social contract between all of us and our government. I don’t believe in government for those who want to fleece the masses or accumulate great wealth by taking from others. I believe it’s the job of government to keep a level playing field but provide a safety net for all. While majority rules, it’s up to the government to protect the rights of all, including the minorities.

I’ve had many jobs, as have many who were raised in the years I was. I’ve been a rancher, an oil hand, a disc jockey and a computer consultant. I’ve been an accountant and a construction worker. From driving trucks and heavy equipment to sitting in offices in tall buildings, I’ve had many experiences in this life. But, more than just finding a way to support me and my family, I now want my work to make a difference.

I love good food and good wine. Silver Oak Cabernet's are my favorite wine. My favorite meal was at one of Emerill’s restaurants in New Orleans. I love good bourbon and whiskey. I love good tequila. I like micro brewery beer and a damn good martini. I love a good rodeo and good theater. I love jazz and blues, old country and good rock and roll. I think Mozart was a genius and Copland was too. I love a good book, from authors like Solzhenitsyn, to Shakespeare to Zane Gray.

I’ve been baptized and confirmed and have searched for the answers to good and evil. I went on a vision quest in the buttes by the Missouri and I’ve been to a Buddhist temple, looking for answers. I think we all hold pieces of the truth but man has corrupted many of them to reflect what he wants other to believe, not what is necessarily the truth. I’ve been inspired by a Latin mass and humbled by a Lakota shaman. I’ve found truths in a sweat lodge and lies in a crystal cathedral. I continue the search for truth.

This is just a small part of who I am.

_____________________________

I want to capture your mind, your spirit, your soul, your body, your devotion and your love. Then, will I give you my heart.

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 11

RE: What is it that defines you? - 8/12/2008 2:03:37 PM

CallaFirestormBW

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I am a firm believer that it is my choices that define me. No matter what my circumstances have been or are, who I inter-relate with, or what my position is in relation to my current community, the one thing that is inherently "me" is how I perceive the world and the decisions that I make from that foundation of perceptions.

If I wish to re-define myself, I must start with evaluating how I perceive the Universe, revise or open those perceptions to allow me to obtain the information that I need to move into my new framework of self-definition, and then -reflect- that change through the choices that I make.

Relationships are a choice, but they are not the sum total of -all- of our choices or all of our opportunities to -make- a choice. In addition, they are also a fluid dynamic in which the decisions of one party impacts the atmosphere from which the pool of choices of any others may be made. Because of this, it is, in my opinion, impossible to define oneself on the basis of one or more relationships, or even in how we relate in -general-, except in recognizing the choices that a given interaction opens to us, and to make the choice that will, by its implementation, define us in that particular dynamic.

Calla Firestorm

< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 8/12/2008 2:04:28 PM >

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Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

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(in reply to stella41b)

Post #: 12

RE: What is it that defines you? - 8/12/2008 2:04:04 PM

akisha

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Joined: 6/25/2005
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What defines me?...

Really i have no idea.

What defines me as a friend is how i treat my freinds.

What defines me as a partner/spouse is how i interact with and treat my significant other.

What defines me as an employee is my dedication to detail and how well I do my job.

What defines me as a person........ Depends who is looking at me and what they see when they do.

What defines me to myself?.... My ability to look in the mirror and honestly say " I do the best I can, I trust in myself and my decisions, and if I make a mistake I will accept it, learn from it and move on."

I am who I am, I can be none other but me. I try my best to be a good person, that is open minded and as accepting as I can be at the stage of my life I am at.

Being kinky does not define me anymore then being blonde defines me. If i could no longer be actively kinky I would be sad but I would not be any less the person I am now. Submitting is an aspect of my life it is not my life on a whole.

Trying to pinpoint one thing to define yourself is like trying to say the sky is blue. Yes it is but there are multiples upon multiples of shades of blue, just as there are multiple defining qualities in a person.

Some of those qualities are even neccessarily good ones *S* but they still define us.

_____________________________

I'm confused.... No wait!!! Maybe I'm not

It's not a blonde moment! It's momentary peroxide posioning. ;)

Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

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(in reply to MidMichCowboy)

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RE: What is it that defines you? - 8/12/2008 2:14:51 PM

IrishMist

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What defines me?

Interesting question; and not one that is so easy to answer.

My past defines me.
My present defines me.
My family, friends, and job HELP to define me

All of the above, when combined; help to clarify my future

But...there is no one thing that I can say with absolute clarity that would equal a definition of me.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to stella41b)

Post #: 14

RE: What is it that defines you? - 8/12/2008 2:16:15 PM

burntcynder

Posts: 34
Joined: 5/11/2008
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When I was young my self worth and definition were wrapped up in family, a daughter, mother and wife. A total but temporary loss of all that changed me forever . I learned to define myself based on myself alone. Who I am does not directly depend on who is in my life. While it may flavor me it is not the be all end all of who I am. I am the core of what I believe , where I have been, and what I have done, or not. It changes as I change. Being owned tempers to a point who I am but the core stands.

cyn

(in reply to stella41b)

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RE: What is it that defines you? - 8/12/2008 2:43:48 PM

Maxwell67

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I would love to be able to give an answer to this that was 100% true in all cases, but I am not sure that is possible.. I am an active entity. Certainly my choices and actions define me, but do I make those based solely on some internal image of myself? Well, more or less, yes. It depends on how you look at it. I live in accordance with my own self image, but my self image changes all the time. Not only am I adapting and growing, depending on the circumstance. I am also a different person depending on who I am with. For every relationship (either with one person or with a group) I have there is a corresponding mask that goes with it. For the most part they look very similar but still, there are differences. The me that is in the doctors office, getting my prostate checked is certainly not the me that is in the bedroom, placing Mine in shibari style bondage. Even though I can point out and define aspects of myself they still change with the group dynamic. My dominance as a director is very different in that I am not making the choices for the actors, but rather enabling them to make unfettered choices of their own, then telling them what works or does not. If they point to a line in the script and ask what it means, even if it is a line I wrote, I ask them what they think it means. So although the consensus is that I have control over everything in the production, I do not exercise that control in a way that resembles how I exercise it at home. In that arena I need to encourage the artists I am working with to express themselves freely but at home I work to extend and deepen my control over Mine.

Reality is transitory and so is my identity.

< Message edited by Maxwell67 -- 8/12/2008 2:44:54 PM >

(in reply to stella41b)

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RE: What is it that defines you? - 8/12/2008 2:58:40 PM

Owner4SexSlave

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BDSM, D/s, or being a Dom does not define me, but rather these thing are apart of me.   In terms of D/s, even that does not define me.   I still remember when I first started sharing with people on here that I was in a DOM couple relationship, I was a little hesistent at first. Because of the stereotyping that goes on. Along with being open about my own maso streak.

My orientation is a label that best fits me, and not something I try to fit into. Mind you at times I have been defensive about my orientation. In the face of one wayesm thinking regarding what (my label) should or should not be at times.

Still BDSM, kink, sex, D/s relationships are and have been simply part (not my whole) of my life.   Components of who and what I am.   What defines me? My experiences.   My upbringing, my interactions with people over the years. Things I have learned about myself. Things I have learned about other people, and human behaviors in general.   Then there are hobbies and activities I enjoy. Things that are not centered around BDSM.

In terms of my relationships, each one has been somewhat different and unique. Various qualities and aspects of me coming through a different levels.

Still I will be what I will be. I am who I am.   I'm just another kinky freak of a human being on planet earth.  I have many sub-titles.

(in reply to stella41b)

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RE: What is it that defines you? - 8/12/2008 3:05:06 PM

Prinsexx

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Joined: 8/27/2007
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quote:

Do you think it's a good thing to try and put or keep the focus of your identity in something other than your relationships? If so, do you manage to achieve this? Or do you see this completely differently?

Dear Stella;
I am a twin. I have what we have termed a conjoined ego. So: when i am on my own i usually feel there is only half of me. When i am with someone it's never quite right unless it has that same degree of emotional conjoinment i felt when just being as one when a child.
Obvioulsy my sister and i have grown apart. Interestingly she is a dominatrix and her life partner is a man-living-as-a-woman. I don't know how else to describe her as she-he doesn't want to change the body neither does she-he feel the need to pass or trasition anynore than she has....but she might do. I refer to her as her. This has shifted the dynamic between my sister and myself as we have become as two people and it has taken half a century to do so.
Therefore i rarely focus on myself as the source of my own identity as i never really had one as a child.
Therefore i define myself in terms of: my work, my family, my friends and whomever owns me. Flame away; that's how i do it and there is no order of supremacy about the list; it's a process which is like a sliding scale. Of course the one who will truly own me will understand this and want to take part in the process of how the scale is ordered.
It has recently lead to physical illness and what might be described as burn out....but the complete collapse never really happens simply because the ground of my being was always serving my twin's needs and so the giving is the source of my strength and not my weakness.
I think other multiples here (twins, triiplets, quads or even very close siblimgs) might confer but there is such a discrepancy in even a year of development in a child that the potential for telepathic communication isn't likely.
I could not speak in anything resembling a language anyone other than my twin could understand until i was seven or eight years old. But we had complete and total mind to mind communication and i was alwats aware that the same process could and sometimes did with other children. We are both published in different ways and very adept at languaging.
The One who owns me fully and successfully will need to understand the way in which i define myself is almost like a symbiotic relationship. In minor ways like passing them a pen JUST as the telephone rings to the extreme of needing to 'come home' to the safety of shackles and chains, even if not physically present then present in a metaphysical sense.
Any separatedness i have a sense of has had to be learned because one of my earliest unfathomable experiences was: why is there only one of everyone else?
Whew Stella...thanks for that.

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to stella41b)

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RE: What is it that defines you? - 8/12/2008 3:24:26 PM

TysGalilah

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Hi Stella : )    It took me alot of years to learn a valuable lesson about how I define myself and my own personal happiness.

A lightbulb went off when I was asked to answer 2 question ( for my therapist at the time ) WITHOUT using anyone elses name, or their relationship to me or mine to them, in my answer.

Who am I ?
What makes me feel happiness or joy?

It was nearly impossible for me to come up with any answers that fit that criteria.
And it certainly opened my eyes wide.

I was defining myself by others and who I was for them or to them.
and my sense of happiness was pretty much dependant on outside sources.
sources, that by the way, would be dissappearing or drastically changing in the very near future   ....ie kids going off to school or moving away..grandchildren being moved far away.. spouse no longer being around for me to take care of. older children having their own relationships and less time and need for me and my care. The children I was teaching moving on.

This exercise wasn't meant to say that being a loving, devoted and caring mother and grandmother....supportive wife...valued and trusted friend.. are/were not important roles in my life. They are and I can have pride in that and find happiness and fulfillment in them all.....but the danger is when they alone define who I am and that only those sources bring me happiness..

I learned to look inside for the answers to those 2 questions.
What was there inside of me that brought me joy that no one and nothing other than me could take away from me. That would still exist inside me if everyone around me that I loved and/or cared about/for was no longer there.

These eventually were my answers...I say eventually because it took me quite a while to be emotionally in a place to be able to do this assignment.
(I keep this writing lesson tucked inside a book that I read daily. It helps me remember exactly where to look on those days when I might struggle with separating my sense of happiness from the unhappiness that others may try to put on my agenda)

Who am I ?
    I am a passionate and sometimes intensely emotionalwoman with a staunch determination but it is tempered by my gentle nature and spirit.
I have wisdom from many difficult challenges in my life, but I am still not afraid to live more and learn more.
I listen with an open mind. I share with an open heart. I give without the need to receive something in return.
I love to laugh and create fun around me.
I am like a sponge when it comes to experiencing new things or learning something new.
My hands have an ability to heal.

what makes me feel happiness and joy:

hearing laughter, especially a baby or a child.
being on the back of a horse, going full speed ahead like its feet arent even touching the ground.
fishing for trout.
reading a book that I just can't put down because its sooo good.
Writing my feelings down and finding it flows...creating something significant with those thoughts. ie writing poetry.
A rainy day outside and baking and cooking in the kitchen.
Knowing that I have helped and made a positive difference.

_____________________________

galilah

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to stella41b)

Post #: 19

RE: What is it that defines you? - 8/12/2008 3:25:13 PM

MasterHermes

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Joined: 5/23/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b
Do you think it's a good thing to try and put or keep the focus of your identity in something other than your relationships? If so, do you manage to achieve this? Or do you see this completely differently?

Everytime you define me, you are killing me.

Its a very serious answer
Hermes

(in reply to stella41b)

Post #: 20

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