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RE: Is inequality standard in your relationship? - 8/18/2008 11:44:47 AM   
sambamanslilgirl


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quote:

ORIGINAL: UR2Badored

Just curious to how others view this.

Do you really believe a  D/s or S/m (insert abbreviation de jour) dynamic can occur without the bottom, submissive, or slave being fulfilled in some way?  


since i can only speak for my relationship with Daddy, i have to say no.  there are times when He makes sure i'm fulfilled before Him.  it doesn't make Him look weak or otherwise - that's how He is.

as far as unequality within the relationship - again the answer would be no.  we have a different dynamic than most in which opinions/ideas are discussed and decided upon though (in some cases) permission must be asked or given.



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RE: Is inequality standard in your relationship? - 8/18/2008 11:45:38 AM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
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From: NYC now!
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quote:

ORIGINAL: UR2Badored

quote:

ORIGINAL: RumpusParable

Then please clarify your question please, as it is not clear from this:

Is inequality standard in your relationship?

Were the two questions to be taken separately, unrelated to one another?  What is the semantic irk then if it's not part of the questions you asked?  What are you seeking an understanding of?

I'm not following what you're seeking answered exactly, so am having difficulty responding.

-edited for grammar, too much 'net is messing up my "your" and "you're" typing.


My apologies RP.......Inequality has popped up several times lately on the boards, and I apparently had that context way out of wack in this little brain of mine.  When I asked the question both in the title and in my question posted...I interpreted  it in the same context......inequality as in fulfillment within a relationship.  I now see how others did not view it in the same light.  Again my apologies to all for the title if it appears out of context.


Ah, gotcha.  Then can answer for myself:

For me, I desire for both myself and my D/s-based partners to have a positive experience over-all in our interactions, whatever that may mean or be caused by for us.  I want and need compatibility with them.  However, the compatibility is one based in inequality in treatment, importance and priority, manners, chores/duties, time, et cetera and the more unbalanced those are the happier I am, so that is what I seek in others, too.  "The yin to my yang", as the quote goes.

For many, being hurt, inconvenienced, humiliated, feeling or being used, et cetera *are* where they get their fulfillment.  -And "inequal" doesn't even have to mean those things... it can mean "I know you like this so you're gonna get it right now, because I feel like giving it".  The important bit is I, alone, get to say if and when "it" ever happens and how and why.

< Message edited by RumpusParable -- 8/18/2008 11:56:04 AM >

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RE: Is inequality standard in your relationship? - 8/18/2008 11:49:08 AM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		I am not my Masters equal and I thrive on that. I wouldn't want to live any other way. This is what makes me feel fulfilled and happy.

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RE: Is inequality standard in your relationship? - 8/18/2008 11:53:39 AM   
UR2Badored


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quote:

ORIGINAL: RumpusParable

"The yin to my yang", as the quote goes.


Oui, Oui RP!  That is where my confusion lies!.... I was interpreting statements of "inequality" with being unbalanced.  That is where I got lost on the path......how could it be unbalanced when it is give and take with like desires? ( it appears there are others who think differently from my observations) So my questioning continues..to the folks who have different perceptions. 

< Message edited by UR2Badored -- 8/18/2008 12:24:14 PM >

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RE: Is inequality standard in your relationship? - 8/18/2008 12:11:32 PM   
RumpusParable


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From: NYC now!
Status: offline 		Honestly, I've not seen anyone discussing a desire for relationships where it isn't mutually fulfilling, that I can recall.  I can think of many where we've (myself included) discussed how we don't particular concern ourselves with or outright enjoy the fact that our sub/slave/bottom is being told to do and receive specific things they don't find fulfilling.

Plus, use/abuse/force-play (emotional and physical) are much a kink themselves!  Some love to play up (on both ends) that angle for the sheer enjoyment of itself.  That, specifically, can be seen all over these boards all the time.

< Message edited by RumpusParable -- 8/18/2008 12:12:41 PM >

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RE: Is inequality standard in your relationship? - 8/18/2008 12:20:48 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Not being equals in the relationship does not automatically mean you're not being fufilled as the less equal one in the relationship. and I believe there are some relationships that can and do last even though one partner is unhappy all the time. Look at marriages, Sure, it's not D/s but women tend to stay married for years and years and yeaaaaaaaaaars even though they're unhappy, because the relationship fufills some other need. Fuffilment isn't nessisary to stick around.
quote:

ORIGINAL: UR2Badored

Just curious to how others view this.

Do you really believe a  D/s or S/m (insert abbreviation de jour) dynamic can occur without the bottom, submissive, or slave being fulfilled in some way?  

This is probably a semantic irk of  mine (right or wrong).  I would like to welcome collarme posters'  perspectives and opinions on this.  I want to have a better understanding of how this might be possible.

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RE: Is inequality standard in your relationship? - 8/18/2008 12:24:49 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: UR2Badored

Just curious to how others view this.

Do you really believe a  D/s or S/m (insert abbreviation de jour) dynamic can occur without the bottom, submissive, or slave being fulfilled in some way?  

This is probably a semantic irk of  mine (right or wrong).  I would like to welcome collarme posters'  perspectives and opinions on this.  I want to have a better understanding of how this might be possible.


To answer your question in bold above, it is my personal opinion that while ;the D/s or M/s dynamic can occur for awhile without the submissive partner being fulfilled, it won't exist as a viable dynamic for long.  Human beings need fulfillment, even if it is a negative type of fulfillment, and a dynamic where they feel none is one in which they will seek it or will move on to one in which they do.

That answered, I will speak to your title statement...which as others have noted is different from fulfillment.  Many submissives get off on the idea of the power not being equal, of responsibilities being different, of the dominant having all the choice and the submissive having the choice only to refuse while understanding that to do so may change the dynamic.  Their fulfillment comes from their side of the coin being addressed by the dominant and the dynamic in a satisfactory manner.  In my own view of things, there is inequality within the equality and equality to be found within the inequality.  Room for two partners but only one leader.

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RE: Is inequality standard in your relationship? - 8/18/2008 12:28:40 PM   
UR2Badored


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quote:

ORIGINAL: RumpusParable

Honestly, I've not seen anyone discussing a desire for relationships where it isn't mutually fulfilling, that I can recall. 


I may well be the only one reading these boards who interpreted some perspectives in such a way.

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RE: Is inequality standard in your relationship? - 8/18/2008 12:41:14 PM   
lateralist1


Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		I want my slave to be completely happy in the relationship for lots of reasons.
That doesn't mean that I want to cater to his wants.
A slave should want to cater to his/her owners desires.
My sadism is purely physical.
Ok I'm human enough to want to teach some people a lesson but fear is not a good way to get ones own way. Eventually human beings break down if the stress is too great.

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RE: Is inequality standard in your relationship? - 8/18/2008 12:41:36 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


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Joined: 6/29/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: UR2Badored

I may well be the only one reading these boards who interpreted some perspectives in such a way.


It is entirely possible that there are people out there who are only into BDSM (or anything else) for what they can get out of it, and who really don't care if any other people they're interacting with are getting anything out of the experience. It is also possible that there are people who are in unsatisfying relationships and choose to stay there, rather than get out. My ex is in one of these -- completely vanilla relationship and completely all about his mate, and very detrimental to him... he hates it, but he won't get off his arse and leave. He keeps complaining, and, in the same breath saying "maybe she'll -change-"... and I keep telling him that, by staying, he's giving the message that there is something in the relationship that he wants to hold on to. If he doesn't want it, he needs to be the one to say "enough" and walk away. My thought is that he is more afraid of being alone than he is of putting up with a completely unsatisfying relationship. On some level, the relationship works for him, or he wouldn't still be there.

I don't know if what you interpreted really -was- someone writing to express something that was both unfair and unfulfilling for the people involved, but I can tell you that, even for myself, as a someone who revels in pain, blood, steel, and skin, it is so much more satisfying for me if the other person is really into it as well. DeSade didn't give a crap about the people he did things to. Some people liked being part of that. Just because I don't understand it or I wouldn't do it  doesn't make it wrong.

Firestorm


< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 8/18/2008 12:42:15 PM >

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RE: Is inequality standard in your relationship? - 8/18/2008 12:44:51 PM   
UR2Badored


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quote:

ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss

Fulfillment isn't necessary to stick around.

Yes, we see this. It could be possible that they are staying for other needs albeit financial, insecurities, home, health insurance, kids, or any other number of factors....Do people really stick around if some kind of need is not being fulfilled?  I am sure some do, but I bet many, not all,  have something to gain.


< Message edited by UR2Badored -- 8/18/2008 12:47:46 PM >

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RE: Is inequality standard in your relationship? - 8/18/2008 12:48:03 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Yup that's what I said those who stick around in unfufilling relationships usualy have something to gain, or something worse to loose than being fufilled by ending it. Or maybe they are just biding their time, till the time to leave is right. But usualy they have something that is a worth while trade off.

quote:

ORIGINAL: UR2Badored

quote:

ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss

Fulfillment isn't necessary to stick around.

Yes, we see this. It could be possible that they are staying for self-serving needs albeit financial, insecurities, home, health insurance, kids, or any other number of factors....Do people really stick around if some kind of need is not being fulfilled?  I am sure some do, but I bet many, not all,  have something to gain.



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RE: Is inequality standard in your relationship? - 8/18/2008 12:50:34 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I honestly feel that there is a much larger percentage of very clever predators/abusers that use BDSM as a safety net, than most of us would like to know about. They lay and wait and watch for naive victims to ply their measured words on. They are very clever in creating a respectable and even likable persona. They like to hide behind chest thumping, and all or nothing big talk "if you can't take the heat get out of the kitchen" You are not real and true!  They've had many subs/slaves but very few long term. They generally gravitate towards the young and new.

I don't think they care about the others fulfillment, beyond what is in it for them.

Maybe I am cynical, maybe I am the "little boy that cried wolf" but I watch and wonder. Waiting to read that the other foot fell.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 8/18/2008 12:52:22 PM >

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RE: Is inequality standard in your relationship? - 8/18/2008 1:03:37 PM   
LivingInSin


Posts: 326
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline 		"Is inequality standard in my relationship?"
I have found that without an inequality in my relationship then I am not happy. I need to feel that I am serving someone that is "more" than I am.

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RE: Is inequality standard in your relationship? - 8/18/2008 1:05:13 PM   
UR2Badored


Posts: 506
Joined: 2/3/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I don't think they care about the others fulfillment, beyond what is in it for them.



I definitely get this impression from others, and in part, this why I asked this question. There are viewpoints recently that I have encountered that fall under this blanket statement.  I was under the impression that there is where the arguments stemmed from lately and wanted to fully understand various perceptions.  I see that, in part, my interpretation was flawed.  However after viewing various threads and posts, it is my own recent responses that my question developed since I've notice I tend to sway to one side and wanted to expand my own perception.

< Message edited by UR2Badored -- 8/18/2008 1:19:52 PM >

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RE: Is inequality standard in your relationship? - 8/18/2008 1:12:25 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I'm guessing that some of this is stemming from the monogamy vs. poly thread and how some said if it's good for the master, it's good for the slave.  I am monogamous by nature, so if a dominant wanted to do poly, I'd be okay with it, as long as I had the same option to see other people that he had.  It seems like many men don't like the idea of that sort of poly scenario.  They want to get all they can, yet it's not okay for the sub to have the same mindset.  I think it's not so much coming from an authority/control standpoint as it may be from an insecure standpoint.  Since I don't date poly men, I'm not sure where it's coming from.  I'm just projecting from comments I receive when I tell them how I would approach a poly relationship.  

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RE: Is inequality standard in your relationship? - 8/18/2008 1:19:43 PM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		Almost all relationships carry inequality of some form;: husband/wife, parent/child, boss/worker. Quite often a system of double standards gets set up to some extent; one party tends to give more to the relationship than the other.  It seems even more common for there to be double standards in the BDSM community.  As long as both parties are willing participants and understand the dynamic there can still be true fulfillment for both.  Even those looking to be martyrs find some fulfillment in that.

The problem would come in when the sub decided that the "inequalities" were unbearable and would block them from any form of fulfillment.  At that point they should know that they either need to communicate their needs better or find a partner who can help them to feel more fulfilled.




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RE: Is inequality standard in your relationship? - 8/18/2008 2:03:18 PM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: UR2Badored

Just curious to how others view this.

Do you really believe a  D/s or S/m (insert abbreviation de jour) dynamic can occur without the bottom, submissive, or slave being fulfilled in some way?  

This is probably a semantic irk of  mine (right or wrong).  I would like to welcome collarme posters'  perspectives and opinions on this.  I want to have a better understanding of how this might be possible.

No
However, I do want to state that I don't feel that 'being fulfilled in a relationship has anything to do with 'equality'. Just my own beliefs though.

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RE: Is inequality standard in your relationship? - 8/18/2008 2:21:01 PM   
cjan


Posts: 3513
Joined: 2/21/2008
Status: offline 		I can only. of course, speak for myself, UR2. To me, submission from someone I consider less than equal would be unfulfilling and  I wouldn't value it as much. Also, to me, a relationship that does not fulfill both ( or all partners in the case of poly ) is doomed to failure.

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RE: Is inequality standard in your relationship? - 8/18/2008 2:47:39 PM   
BRNaughtyAngel


Posts: 1821
Status: offline 		For us, I guess you could say that "inequality" occurs in different areas of our relationship, in that He is allowed to do certain things that I am not.

I knew this going into the relationship.  If at some point I can no longer handle, or am no longer fulfilled by the way our relationship works, then I can ask to renegotiate things....... or walk.



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