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RE: Is inequality standard in your relationship? - 8/18/2008 3:04:42 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: UR2Badored

Just curious to how others view this.

Do you really believe a  D/s or S/m (insert abbreviation de jour) dynamic can occur without the bottom, submissive, or slave being fulfilled in some way?  

This is probably a semantic irk of  mine (right or wrong).  I would like to welcome collarme posters'  perspectives and opinions on this.  I want to have a better understanding of how this might be possible.


That really depends on how you define fulfilled. Can it occur? Yes, people stay in relationships in which they are unfufilled or utterly miserable for plenty of reasons regardless of their walk in life. Provided they are still obeying or otherwise doing what they agreed to do I would still see as it as a *insert whatever term here* relationshipship.

Would I find it acceptable? No, I wouldn't. As for inequality in our relationship, we are equals who have consented happily to an unequal power dynamic.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

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RE: Is inequality standard in your relationship? - 8/18/2008 3:10:59 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		We allow ourselves to be in unfulfilling relationships all the time. It has nothing to do with kink or relationship dynamic and everything to do with being able to stand up for our boundaries, not falling into victimhood or martyrdom and believing that we deserve better.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

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Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Is inequality standard in your relationship? - 8/18/2008 3:35:10 PM   
silkncarol


Posts: 318
Status: offline 		I agree with this statement.............one leads, one follows......only one makes the final decision, and i understand and consent to the dynamics of an "unequal" relationship.


quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub.

Would I find it acceptable? No, I wouldn't. As for inequality in our relationship, we are equals who have consented happily to an unequal power dynamic.


_____________________________

We attract hearts by the qualities we display. We retain them by the qualities we possess.

Shoes can change your life................. Cinderella

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Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Is inequality standard in your relationship? - 8/18/2008 3:48:10 PM   
lronitulstahp


Posts: 5392
Joined: 10/17/2007
Status: offline 		We are equally responsible in making sure that the dynamic of the relationship and the health of the relationship maintain their integrity.  We are equally responsible in understanding our roles, and fulfilling them as agreed upon.  If all of that goes according to plan...everyone is equally fulfilled.

_____________________________

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

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Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Is inequality standard in your relationship? - 8/18/2008 3:57:22 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

I'm guessing that some of this is stemming from the monogamy vs. poly thread and how some said if it's good for the master, it's good for the slave.  I am monogamous by nature, so if a dominant wanted to do poly, I'd be okay with it, as long as I had the same option to see other people that he had.  It seems like many men don't like the idea of that sort of poly scenario.  They want to get all they can, yet it's not okay for the sub to have the same mindset.  I think it's not so much coming from an authority/control standpoint as it may be from an insecure standpoint.  Since I don't date poly men, I'm not sure where it's coming from.  I'm just projecting from comments I receive when I tell them how I would approach a poly relationship.  


I had to address this, as myself and my Darling not a male dominants, and we have a set-up in our household where we have multiple servants, and some of those servants (our bond-servants, which some might call TPE servants) are not allowed to have a relationship outside of their relationship with us. It has nothing to do with "wanting to get all that we can"... it is a particular expression of ownership. It is consensual, and is not imposed on anyone who doesn't want to be there. It is impossible to understand something like this from the outside, without the capacity to grasp the mindset. Someone could explain it until they were blue in the face, but if the listener's mind has already decided that it is "wrong" or "unfair", no amount of explanation is going to satisfy that person.

No, if we were in a relationship we wouldn't ask that from the person who couldn't accept and embrace that mindset... but then again, that individual would likely never yield hirself to that level with us -- but just because our bond-servants are not allowed to initiate relationships outside of their relationship with us does -not- mean that they are not fulfilled. If they weren't fulfilled, they wouldn't be -in- the relationship to that level -- because they have to -offer- that to us. Our bond-servants are not -compelled-... they offer their entire self, and we determine, from our experiences with them, whether or not we will accept what they have to offer.

Calla Firestorm.



_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Is inequality standard in your relationship? - 8/18/2008 3:59:17 PM   
sirguym


Posts: 318
Joined: 8/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: UR2Badored

Just curious to how others view this.

Do you really believe a  D/s or S/m (insert abbreviation de jour) dynamic can occur without the bottom, submissive, or slave being fulfilled in some way?  

This is probably a semantic irk of  mine (right or wrong).  I would like to welcome collarme posters'  perspectives and opinions on this.  I want to have a better understanding of how this might be possible.


I have seen it occur, but if it does, it is not a healthy dynamic, and probably will not last long.

The more interesting question is whether all the needs of both the top and bottom  have to be met.

I'd suggest that they should, for a healthy relationship, but usually cannot be if its an exclusive 1:1 relationship.

IMHO it is more likely in such a relationship that needs the Dominant has will go by the wayside.

In my experience most Dom/sub relationship fall apart because the Dom can no longer cope.

Which is why I think the bible has it exactly right when it says, "no [wo]man may have two Masters, lest they fear one and despise the other"

But says nothing at all against a Master taking two or more slaves, and often seems to support polygamy.

(in reply to UR2Badored)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Is inequality standard in your relationship? - 8/18/2008 4:09:08 PM   
softness


Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: UR2Badored

Just curious to how others view this.

Do you really believe a  D/s or S/m (insert abbreviation de jour) dynamic can occur without the bottom, submissive, or slave being fulfilled in some way?  

This is probably a semantic irk of  mine (right or wrong).  I would like to welcome collarme posters'  perspectives and opinions on this.  I want to have a better understanding of how this might be possible.


In answer to your question ... no I don't ... it may look like there is no fulfillment from the outside, or it may not be direct, but we don't stay where we are unhappy out of choice, so there is fulfillment somewhere. This could even be negative, being in an unhappy, drudge like state might fulfill someone's view of themselves as worthless - and so bring them a sense of contentment.

In answer to the thread title. I believe that any relationship with an element of D/s has an element of inequality. The more defined that relationship becomes, the more defined the inequality is.

Relationship models (strong, healthy, dynamic, powerful models) exist in BDSM where there is no inequality - those relationships are not based (certainly in the couple I know) on D/s ... they are "vanilla" relationships with a kinky streak a mile and a half wide that both partners share in as delighted co-conspirators. I think those relationships are wonderful, I have been in them myself and know them to be fantastic.

_____________________________

proudly wearing the blue collar of consideration to DK Leather, Leatherdykeuk, and LeatherEagle of the UK KRueL Leather Family

veritas, respectus honorque in corio





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Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Is inequality standard in your relationship? - 8/18/2008 4:13:07 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		As much as people would like to believe there is equality in the world there really isn't. Not everyone is equal to each other. Everyone has different skills, standards, abilities. The playing field is never equal.

There are always those who are above or beneath, leaders or followers. Is my relationship equal? I can't honestly say it is. I'm under him. I am subservient to him. I don't view it as an equality.

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Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Is inequality standard in your relationship? - 8/18/2008 4:20:41 PM   
Paulnz


Posts: 411
Status: offline 		I see equality/inequality and fulfilment as two seperate things. A relationship may have varying degrees of inequality but whether fulfilment is achieved or not comes down to how someone feels. This can be seen in the statement often heard ' how does she stay with that man ? ' In such a situation, the person staying is usually happy for whatever reason and that may have nothing to do with how the relationship is organised. Life is complicated.


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Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Is inequality standard in your relationship? - 8/18/2008 4:23:39 PM   
Owner4SexSlave


Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: UR2Badored

Just curious to how others view this.

Do you really believe a  D/s or S/m (insert abbreviation de jour) dynamic can occur without the bottom, submissive, or slave being fulfilled in some way?  

This is probably a semantic irk of  mine (right or wrong).  I would like to welcome collarme posters'  perspectives and opinions on this.  I want to have a better understanding of how this might be possible.


In terms of inequality being standard in my relationships.  Literally, inequality exists far more then people dare like to admit.

Do I believe a D/s (whatever label) dynamic can occur without the bottom, submissive or slave being fullfilled in some way?  I believe this can and does happened for some people.   Also, some partial fulfilled.  Others still are more fullfilled.  Nobody is every Totally fullfilled completely (my opinion on that one).

I think a lot of it depends upon the mindset of the bottom, sub/slave in question and the mindset of their top/Dom/Owner. 



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Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Is inequality standard in your relationship? - 8/18/2008 4:31:31 PM   
UR2Badored


Posts: 506
Joined: 2/3/2007
Status: offline 		This is quite possibly the worst thread I've ever started.  Please no votes for my other threads as the ultimate worst.  I would just like to thank everyone for responding......there was not one response that I did not understand or relate to in some level despite the fact that my questioning skills in this instance was "iffy" at best.  Thanks for sharing your opinions.  Peace

urs

_____________________________

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way
Mark Twain

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Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Is inequality standard in your relationship? - 8/18/2008 7:50:55 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: UR2Badored
Do you really believe a  D/s or S/m (insert abbreviation de jour) dynamic can occur without the bottom, submissive, or slave being fulfilled in some way?  



I don't think it is a question of if can occur or not... 

The more important question is... can it endure and if so... how long?

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Is inequality standard in your relationship? - 8/18/2008 8:42:02 PM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		inequality is not standard in my relationship, and neither one of  us would stick around if our needs weren't being fullfilled.  just because i choose to yield to his authority does not make me less than or not equal to him in anything.

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Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Is inequality standard in your relationship? - 8/19/2008 2:28:14 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline 		Inequality is part of life.

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

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Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Is inequality standard in your relationship? - 8/19/2008 3:50:26 AM   
Evility


Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: UR2Badored
Do you really believe a  D/s or S/m (insert abbreviation de jour) dynamic can occur without the bottom, submissive, or slave being fulfilled in some way?  


You have to clearly define "fulfillment" to be able to answer this question. In our relationship the dynamic is not based on a goal of mutual direct enjoyment from the specific activities which are pursued. I do what I want. I leave it up to her to derive her own sense of fulfillment from the relationship as opposed to always worrying "does she like this?". Rarely does she enjoy what we do but ultimately she feels quite fulfilled in the sense of accomplishment it brings her.


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Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Is inequality standard in your relationship? - 8/19/2008 4:48:17 AM   
VioletAshes


Posts: 101
Joined: 1/16/2008
Status: offline 		My Husband and I may have a D/s relationship but that does not mean we do not hav equality. Quite the contrary. Both our needs r equally important as is our effort in pleasing each other. We are both fulfilled, just in different ways. Just because I am submissive to him does not mean I am less important or unequal. We are a team and we both have our parts to play in the success of our dynamic.

_____________________________

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I'm not like other girls that you know
but I believe I'm worth coming home to"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Is inequality standard in your relationship? - 8/19/2008 4:52:16 AM   
katie978


Posts: 352
Joined: 7/21/2007
Status: offline 		~Quick reply~

Definitely no. Even the hardcore slaves who say they give up everything for their masters wouldn't be doing this unless it was what they wanted. They were seeking a hardcore master because that's what they knew they needed to fulfill them...none of us were just grabbed off the street and forced into a BDSM relationship. Certainly there are some people who are pressured to fulfill a BDSM role to please a partner, and the BDSM might not actually fulfill them, but pleasing their partner and having good sex does.

  As to whether some people believe it, I'm sure some do. Probably the slaves with super-specific demanding fantasies who want their mistresses or masters to do x, y, and z to them on a regular basis, while the slave does nothing in return except returning to their wives or husbands when the play is over.


_____________________________



"That's the plan. Rule the world. You and me. Anyday ::wink::"



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Profile   Post #: 57
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