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RE: Dominant Aloofness - 8/20/2008 7:18:50 PM

DomDolf

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I don't want to do the, "lets get together and do xxxx".

I'm glad there were four Xs there. If there were only three I would be worried.

Dolf

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RE: Dominant Aloofness - 8/20/2008 7:23:24 PM

UR2Badored

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DomDolf

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I don't want to do the, "lets get together and do xxxx".

Pushes DD out of the way, you beat me to it! pick me pick me pick me

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RE: Dominant Aloofness - 8/20/2008 7:45:47 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Why? I find most often it's because they can't handle the intimacy involved, usually due to insecurity, lack of development of the skills necessary, or because they are cheating.

We use symbols for everything, we're wallowing in them. Turning lack of orgasm into a tool of domination is pretty much par for the course. In a lot of ways it makes more sense than kosher :)

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RE: Dominant Aloofness - 8/20/2008 7:48:56 PM

Jeffff

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Being kosher depends on how the orgasm is killed.... no?

Jeff

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RE: Dominant Aloofness - 8/20/2008 8:27:57 PM

E2Sweet

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quote:

ORIGINAL: yourMissTress

...Those of you experiencing it, how does it make you feel? about yourself and the person doing it?

I had this happen with the very first (and actually only) local Domme I've approached here specifically to make myself noticed as wanting to be her sub. I spent better than an hour putting together a very thorough email message touching on all of her questions posted in her profile. Overall, for my first attempt at an email like that ever, I thought I did pretty well.

Well, shortly after I sent it, I got a response that was admittedly polite and contained a few interesting points, but was also totally void of any mention of my willingness to be her sub. The topic was clearly and completely avoided.... and believe me, I did ask in my original message... point blank as to avoid any confusion as to my intentions.

How does that make me feel? I can't say it made me feel bad about myself, because I'm really not wired in a way where I take an emotional hit over someone else's indifference. It didn't make me feel good either. Mostly, it just seemed like I wasted better than an hour of my life that I can't ever get back.

How did it make me feel about the Domme in question? Well, I was really disappointed in her that she received a thoughtful email that included everything she wanted to know, and yet she wasn't even willing or able to reply with a simple "yes" or a "no". One of those two words is really all that was necessary to not keep me hanging in limbo over the possibility of us proceeding. It also occurred to me right away that, since she was not being clear and upfront about her view on the actual point of my message, that she might also not be clear and upfront about other issues that could be very important in a D/s context, which isn't a good thing at all... In my mind she lost credibility.

To this day, I really don't know why she replied with such aloofness. If she thought I would chase after her or beg without any sort of clue from her as to what she was thinking, she was so wrong. I immediately moved on, looking elsewhere, and never once contacted her again.

Edited for spelling & grammar.

< Message edited by E2Sweet -- 8/20/2008 8:47:32 PM >

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RE: Dominant Aloofness - 8/20/2008 8:28:21 PM

DomDolf

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quote:

ORIGINAL: UR2Badored

quote:

ORIGINAL: DomDolf

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I don't want to do the, "lets get together and do xxxx".

Pushes DD out of the way, you beat me to it! pick me pick me pick me

LMAO- Hey, I share!

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RE: Dominant Aloofness - 8/21/2008 4:19:47 AM

Owner4SexSlave

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Yesterday, I think I was pretty much called this but not directly to my face.

I was told that I was the perfect Dom for them, and they said they were the perfect submissive for me. Only that I was too blind to realize it.

Ummmmmmm... really not going to go into much more detail. Basically, it's somebody that's been a great friend for the last year and a half. However, she wants far more besides friendship.

I'm suddenly aloof for the right words to express anything else right now.

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RE: Dominant Aloofness - 8/21/2008 6:15:09 AM

RavenMuse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: StrongSpirit
Why do you continue to communicate with someone you are so lukewarm about?

If someone catches My attention on here it is because I see some aspect of compatability that maybe worth looking into more. I have no 'feelings' about them either way, I don't know them well enough to have developed feelings.

I will contine communication, looking for more points of compatability and watching for red flags or facts that maybe indicate We are incompatable. One of the compatability issues is wether the can go from catching My attention to holding it and catching My actual interest.

The endpoint is either deciding they are not worth looking further with and ending communication or pushing on having identified enough compatability to warrant it. Before that happens, yes I am indiferent, I've been through thats stage many many times and no, I don't 'care' at that stage, it is a chance to see if I begin to care!

If folks see Me as 'aloof' in doing that.... like I care?

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RE: Dominant Aloofness - 8/21/2008 7:02:14 AM

LaTigresse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DomDolf

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I don't want to do the, "lets get together and do xxxx".

I'm glad there were four Xs there. If there were only three I would be worried.

Dolf

It was easier than typing out stuff like "lets go to the mall and do some shopping!" (cringing at the very idea, but if you want to stop at the hardward store so I can ogle chains or the tack store so I can fondle riding crops instead of the mall.....)
or "we need to do a nice long gossipy lunch one of these Saturdays!" (sure, drive down to the farm and I will fire up the grill after I wash the dirt and horse poo off my hands)
or "come on out to the kids ball game so we can gossip about the other kids mothers!" (how about I tell you what I am really thinking of doing to those kids uptight suburban mothers!)

I just suck at small talk and tend to discuss things that make most people uncomfortable. Like, "yeah, I am reading this book about the gospel of Mary Magdelene and how the catholic church really fucked shit up. What do you think?" Silence........"oh yeah, your catholic"

Or........" Do you know I read the other day the statistics of married men and women that have affairs?" silence............."oh yeah, did Ed ever find out you were screwing his hunting buddy last year?"

I just don't like nonsensical small talk. I don't need to discuss recipes or laundry detergent. I don't like alot of television shows or movies that other people seem to love. I hate alot of popular music, top 40 stuff, so thats out. The types of books I read make most people go crosseyed or run away. If we are discussing politics I want to discuss more than the crap the major media feeds us, which most people are clueless about so it shuts down those discussions. I will argue any political bias based upon race, gender, religioun, etc with a passion that makes most people run. I know more about cars and other typically guy stuff than most suburban men, let alone women.

So yeahhhh, it's just better I stay home and do the stuff I enjoy most.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 8/21/2008 7:14:29 AM >

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RE: Dominant Aloofness - 8/21/2008 7:17:21 AM

wulfgarw

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There is another cause for Dom aloofness that I think I should mention.

The aloofness borne of having gotten close to someone only to have them metaphorically rip your heart out and tossing it in the trash with the coffee grounds and rotten banana peels. Doms are not the only ones, it can happen to subs an 'nillas' alike. I've been called aloof, and I think this is why, rather than any D/s aspect. For me at least. But then, I have trust issues.

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RE: Dominant Aloofness - 8/21/2008 9:37:53 AM

CallaFirestormBW

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quote:

ORIGINAL: yourMissTress

Is this really a thing? Ha Ha! I mean, ok, I've been accused of it and I've seen it referred to on the boards. Even LA mentioned it in a post, so it has to be something that people do, but why?

Ok, so I'm biting the bullet. I wasn't sure whether or not to respond, because I don't think that what I experience is what people are talking about as "dominant aloofness", but it does qualify in that category. It -is- a real thing, but I don't think it has anything to do with orgasming or anything like that. I am an aloof dominant. I am an aloof person. I am a 'thinker', not a 'feeler' -- everything gets filtered through my head before it comes out. I don't spend a lot of time immersed in people's feelings. Even as a pastoral care provider, my focus is on helping people to find resolution and negotiate through their issues -- even if it means that they realize that the relationship is not working for them... to me, that is a 'positive' resolution, in that they are no longer stagnant and being acted on -- they are actually processing the situation and making decisions based on what is happening.

I make it -very- clear that I'm not looking for romance. I'm just -not- a romantic person. My Darling needs romance in her life, and we have some wonderful folks in our lives who are more than happy to provide that need -- because even when I -try- to be romantic, I am so busy thinking about what would be romantic that it loses any semblance of romance by the time I'm done.

Am I emotionally "disconnected"? Not really. I just interpret others emotions through a 'thinking' filter. It makes me seem a lot less 'cuddly' and a lot more chilly to some people. I am focused on different things, and I try to explain this when we're interviewing prospective servants, but the truth is, unless someone is from the same mindset, they're probably not going to 'get it'. I try to be available to reassure our "feeling" servants that they are pleasing me, even if I don't seem effusive about it... but I have to be honest, unless someone mentions that so-and-so seemed hurt that I didn't notice the roses on my nightstand, I may not see any need to comment.

For me, it isn't a matter of control. I don't use this as a tool to 'manipulate' anyone -- to me, manipulation is another one of those 'feely' things that I just don't 'get' -- it is just who I am as a person. The world, for me, exists in terms of ideas, concepts, thoughts, philosophies... I don't get caught up much in the emotional 'world'.

So... short answer... yes, I think it does exist, but I don't see it as always being a 'control tool'. Sometimes a rose is just a rose.

Calla Firestorm

< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 8/21/2008 9:38:46 AM >

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RE: Dominant Aloofness - 8/21/2008 9:40:51 AM

Leatherist

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Shrugs, or you may have made the mistake of contacting a Dominant sadist who thinks you are just another boring "vanilla with kink".....when what excites them is an extreme slave who will suffer for them. Happens to me all the time.

Not interested.

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RE: Dominant Aloofness - 8/21/2008 9:47:27 AM

CallaFirestormBW

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

[

I just suck at small talk and tend to discuss things that make most people uncomfortable. Like, "yeah, I am reading this book about the gospel of Mary Magdelene and how the catholic church really fucked shit up. What do you think?" Silence........"oh yeah, your catholic"

Or........" Do you know I read the other day the statistics of married men and women that have affairs?" silence............."oh yeah, did Ed ever find out you were screwing his hunting buddy last year?"

Oh hell... these are SO conversations you'd hear at some party I was at. I was explaining at a femdom party just this past weekend how I don't consider myself "New Age", despite having chosen a non-traditional spiritual path when seeking ordination, because most of the folks who choose the "New Age" moniker strike me as flakes and touchy-feelie wierdos with little more than a couple of hairs remaining in 'reality'... only to find out that two of the ladies at the table run a New Age bookstore in the neighborhood....

...or talking to a domina/servant couple about my ideas on consent and the unconstitutionality of denying a person's right to consent to anything up to their own death without being second guessed by the government -- and then discovering that they were both cops -- one of them even a detective!

"Open mouth, insert foot"... *LOL* Fortunately, there were at least a couple of other people there that I didn't totally alienate (and one liked me enough to let me play with her branding pen!!!)

CFB

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Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

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RE: Dominant Aloofness - 8/21/2008 6:55:53 PM

yourMissTress

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E2Sweet, thank you. your response is appreciated.

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RE: Dominant Aloofness - 8/21/2008 6:59:23 PM

yourMissTress

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Thank you RavenMuse and CallaFirestorm. I appreciate your honest answers.

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RE: Dominant Aloofness - 8/21/2008 7:02:09 PM

yourMissTress

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Shrugs, or you may have made the mistake of contacting a Dominant sadist who thinks you are just another boring "vanilla with kink".....when what excites them is an extreme slave who will suffer for them. Happens to me all the time.

Not interested.

Ok, I'm confused...unless you weren't replying to me.

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RE: Dominant Aloofness - 8/21/2008 7:04:11 PM

Leatherist

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general reply.

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RE: Dominant Aloofness - 8/21/2008 7:55:50 PM

NeedingMore220

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quote:

To this day, I really don't know why she replied with such aloofness. If she thought I would chase after her or beg without any sort of clue from her as to what she was thinking, she was so wrong. I immediately moved on, looking elsewhere, and never once contacted her again.

I'm curious, E2Sweet ... the question you were asking her - was it whether she was interested or not? If this indeed was your question, how can she possibly know if she's interested, even after a well-worded, thoughtful email. It generally takes me much longer to know whether there's compatibility. Did she leave an opening for further communication, but you didn't take it because she didn't answer whether she was interested or not? Or did she respond, but leave no opening for a response from you?

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RE: Dominant Aloofness - 8/21/2008 8:06:41 PM

CruelDesires

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I was going to ask the same question.

And... sometimes no answer is an answer.

C-D

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RE: Dominant Aloofness - 8/21/2008 8:55:06 PM

Paulnz

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quote:

ORIGINAL: E2Sweet

Well, I was really disappointed in her that she received a thoughtful email that included everything she wanted to know, and yet she wasn't even willing or able to reply with a simple "yes" or a "no".

Dommes that I have known generally reply in the first instance the way you describe. They're sounding you out and determining whether you are sane or not. Your lengthy email may have sounded somewhat unhinged ( that can happen especially when trying to be sincere ). It sounds to me like you misread her reply.

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