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RE: references - 8/22/2008 10:17:48 PM   
E2Sweet


Posts: 649
Joined: 7/8/2008
From: TopLeftCornerOf, OH, USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: paperdollie
... i just wish someone else would do it for me so if it is wrong i can not be held responsible hehe


Ahh, but look at the knowledge and experiences you'd miss out on. In the long run, I bet you would find that if you did things that way, you would be short-changing yourself in a very big way...


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E2Sweet™
"If it doesn't make you smile then chances are you're not doing it right."

(in reply to paperdollie)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: references - 8/22/2008 10:27:08 PM   
Honsoku


Posts: 422
Joined: 6/26/2007
Status: offline 		It is fine to ask, just don't expect to get any. Some splits are not amicable and some people value discretion. Why should someone want some stranger to have their contact information? Not to mention that beyond a certain point, contact information tends to get lost.

If you do get references, take them with a grain of salt. Remember that he decided who you talked to and that how he was then may not be how he is now. The only methods that are bulletproof are the ones which screen out everybody. Good judgment is the order of the day.

(in reply to paperdollie)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: references - 8/22/2008 10:31:33 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		That is certaintly true for me. I have grown and changed and matured so much since the x's Sometimes I have changed for the worse, since after them I tend to be a bit cynical, and I will not be so kind and generous in certain area's. They could only tell you of how I was back then, and now how I am now, years older, more experinced and hopefully a ton wiser.
quote:

ORIGINAL: Honsoku

that how he was then may not be how he is now.


< Message edited by YourhandMyAss -- 8/22/2008 10:36:03 PM >

(in reply to Honsoku)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: references - 8/22/2008 10:39:10 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		Dude you could contact my exes.
I suspect you would get a plethora of responses ranging from saint to a sonuvabitch.
The only way to get to know someone is to have your own experience.

I don't need references nor would I trust them.
Everyones perspective is skewed by their own experiences good, bad and indifferent.
I am a grown man, I can make up my own mind about people.
I don't need to shift that responsibility to others.


(in reply to YourhandMyAss)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: references - 8/22/2008 10:41:01 PM   
tsatske


Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline 		I provide refrences for a few Dominant friends or exes. of those that provide refrence for me - in the interest of honesty - i always tell people that i also have an ex Master (he's here on this system, if you want to contact him, btw) who has offered to give me a 'Bad refrence' anytime - LOL. Does not worry me much.
Mostly my last Master, who also served as my Mentour between my relationship with Him and with my Master.
I always told Him - whatever else you do or say, don't soft peddle the mental illness. I didn't want to have another relationship break up over being unprepared for that reality.
I don't think me telling someone I'm mentally ill is quite the same thing as Him telling them what it is like to live with a mentally ill human being.

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: references - 8/22/2008 11:28:45 PM   
WhiplashSmile2


Posts: 526
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline 		Some DOMs last submissive was thier wife or girlfriend you know.  Do you honestly want to be calling up the Ex Wife and somehow believe she is going to give you her blessings and give you a good reference?

Hello!  Not everybody into "the lifestyle" is walking around with a complete reference list.   Some people refuse to have play partners and instead only get involved in serious long term relationships.

The Lifestyle is not all about resumes and references.  

Take your time and get to know the human being you are getting involved with, and allow them to get to know you.


(in reply to paperdollie)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: references - 8/23/2008 12:42:57 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		~FR~

IMO, a reference is only as good as how much you trust the person giving it.

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polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to WhiplashSmile2)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: references - 8/23/2008 12:49:42 AM   
NumberSix


Posts: 1378
Joined: 12/30/2006
Status: offline 		Ja, so look case in point.

GT, you got this little dry bed stream behind you, and thats the last frame of reference you got until I come to florida, after that-----that little stupid map of Albania on your fuckin shoulder comes off, and you better hope the fuck outta you aint got no maps anywhere else (loose tits sink ships, Adolf Hitler) and then we will talk if you can get anymore pictures after your God is there for a week, 'cause frankly, I don't think your parents want to remember you lookin' like you will when I get done funnin' witch ya.

_____________________________

"Who are you?"
"The new Number Two."
"Who is Number One?"
"You are Number Six.".
"I am not a number — I am a free man!"

Be seeing you...

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: references - 8/23/2008 12:58:27 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: paperdollie

is it ok to ask to speak to potential Dom's former sub(s)? what if He refuses? would this mean He is hiding something or just private?

Or maybe the former sub doesn't want a bunch of people calling and asking her about her ex.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to paperdollie)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: references - 8/23/2008 12:59:20 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		*snort*



_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to NumberSix)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: references - 8/23/2008 1:06:46 AM   
NumberSix


Posts: 1378
Joined: 12/30/2006
Status: offline 		that is actually pretty loquacious considering any options availabe to you, Albania. 

_____________________________

"Who are you?"
"The new Number Two."
"Who is Number One?"
"You are Number Six.".
"I am not a number — I am a free man!"

Be seeing you...

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: references - 8/23/2008 1:08:14 AM   
Mavis


Posts: 828
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline 		I think the questions should not be so much "what do you think of this person", (you want to make your own judgement calls on his character.)  All you want to do is verify what he's telling you is accurate.   The way to build trust is .. repeatedly catching him in the truth. 

Sometimes, asking "May i verify that somehow" will bring out his truthful side and you don't have to actually make the calls.  
For Example, if He's fudging his marital status, this will usually start the white-lie qualifiers, "well, it's not exactly final yet.. and I haven't moved out... wel... er...  I haven't actually brought it up yet, but I plan to leave her after the youngest goes to college.." 

Remember, a lot of guys that claim to be separated really mean "She's in the kitchen, I'm in the den on the computer."  Verify what is "separated" to him.  i had a friend recently invest a solid year in a Dom she first met with His companion.  He implied they had an open agreement.  After some time, He said the companion wasn't a part of his life anymore, except in the most casual way.  Had she thought to talk directly to that companion, she'd have found out his old companion hadn't been informed that they were broken up.   Suprise!  Sticky... 

If a person claims he's been a member of a club for 11 years, you can ask someone if they feel that's an accurate time span. If He says he's divorced, separated, unattached, the most recent ex can verify he's not currently attached.  Just say you want to verify before risking stepping on any toes.

This way, you're not asking anyone's personal subjective opinions..  and if he's passing these little verifications, you're well on your way to forming positive subjective opinions of your own.  Hope it doesn't need to be said that you should also be able to pass being vetted this way..  building trust is a two way street. 




(in reply to WhiplashSmile2)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: references - 8/23/2008 5:55:09 AM   
sublizzie


Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline 		~FR~

One of the positives for getting to know people in your local area is that you can ask people you know about someone. In my case, I met someone at a small gathering who was interested in me. Everything I saw at that meeting said "go for it" but I decided to ask someone I knew about him. She told me good stuff but also stuff that wouldn't bother her but she knew might bother me. In the end I spent quite a bit of time with him but discovered something she didn't know that put me off him completely. While it may not bother some people, it did me. If someone were to ask me about him, I would tell them what my friend told me about him plus what I discovered. It would be up to them to decide if they could live with those things.

Get to know local people. They can be the best vetting system out there. Between people in the local community and my best friend, who works in the county jail, I've had lots of wankers get scared off. Helped me keep safe.

_____________________________

"cooking is my kink"

Collared June 19, 2008
(uncollared 12/21/09 with his death. RIP my Santa)

(in reply to Mavis)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: references - 8/23/2008 5:59:24 AM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline 		fr

If you feel the need for references then you may already have a bad feeling about him.

Personally...i do not want anyones opinion. I prefer to form my own.


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MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: references - 8/23/2008 7:11:08 AM   
CruelDesires


Posts: 824
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: paperdollie

is it ok to ask to speak to potential Dom's former sub(s)? what if He refuses? would this mean He is hiding something or just private? is it best to go on my own instinct?
i am so full of questions and self doubts... afraid i will make mistakes... big ones. so i apologize for all the questions. i am just feeling my way around.


I am a private person. I do not like to spread my life out on these boards unlike some who post here. That works for them but is not my forte. But.. I have no problem with allowing someone with whom I may have an interest in to communicate with one of my exe's. I do not have anything to hide. I would not just hand out their names "Instant message" handles or email accounts willy nilly to anyone who asked. Far from it. But I would have the exe contact them during a time that they would be able to confirm that it is not me playing games or in a way that they would know that it was genuine. After all, how hard is it to make up a yahoo email account and chat name and pass it off as one of my "exe" relationships to someone new or gullible? Better bet as stated above would be to really really get to know someone enough that you KNOW that they are not playing games rather then trying to catch them up on lies and mistakes.

C-D

_____________________________

Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself.
Lois McMaster Bujold, "A Civil Campaign", 1999

(in reply to paperdollie)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: references - 8/23/2008 8:10:07 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		References IMO are very useful.

How does he react when asked?  If he tells you as a sub, you have no right to question him, drop him like a hot potato.  If he instantly has a name and phone number available, he may be eager or playing the field.  My usual answer is to ask for a few hours to call my prospective references and ask them if it's okay to release their info.

What re the references themselves like?  Are they happy people?  Are they bitter?  If they are still a part of his life, would you be happy being with them?  They reflect his previous choices and tastes.

Oh, yeah, there's also what they say.




_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to sirsholly)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: references - 8/23/2008 8:27:55 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		FR,

in vanilla, would you ring up all the ex's to ask how your current interest was? and if someone rang you to ask about your ex would it only be smiley happy things you say? Nah referances are just silly in my opinion, somethings you have to learn for yourself.

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: references - 8/23/2008 9:23:39 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: paperdollie
is it ok to ask to speak to potential Dom's former sub(s)?

Sure, if you want.
quote:


what if He refuses?

Then you have that information.

quote:

would this mean He is hiding something or just private?

Why don't you ask him why?  We could guess all day- maybe all his ex's are dead.

What reasons would YOU have for allowing or not allowing him to speak to some of YOUR ex's?

quote:

 is it best to go on my own instinct?

I doubt it if you're that bad at judging people.

< Message edited by LuckyAlbatross -- 8/23/2008 9:24:45 AM >

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to paperdollie)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: references - 8/23/2008 9:49:56 AM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline
quote:



quote:

would this mean He is hiding something or just private?

Why don't you ask him why- maybe all his ex's are dead


this would be a lil red flag....imho



_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)


(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: references - 8/23/2008 9:57:15 AM   
silkncarol


Posts: 318
Status: offline 		It doesn't hurt to ask...but you have to remember to consider the source of the info you're getting.  If you don't know the source real time, then what good is it..other than a false sense of security because rarely does anyone give a bad reference.  If he's said he's active in the local community then yes, you can check that out with others.

If you're talking real time situations, i've found over the years the sub network is a great thing....again, consider the source...unhappy ex, etc.. even then...if you talk to enough, a pattern may emerge that would help you make a decision.  In the past i've given many references for Doms and subs i've known real time..or pointed the person towards someone who might have a better prospective and more first hand info.

It's not easy to find that right partner..... in my opinion, it comes down to trusting your own instincts...
Remember to be responsible for your own choices.......even a mistake is a learning experience and a chance to grow...don't miss those because of your fears.....

_____________________________

We attract hearts by the qualities we display. We retain them by the qualities we possess.

Shoes can change your life................. Cinderella

(in reply to paperdollie)
Profile   Post #: 40
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