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RE: references - 8/23/2008 10:08:51 AM   
MusicalBoredom


Posts: 620
Joined: 5/8/2007
From: Louisiana/New York
Status: offline 		I think D/s oriented relationships are no different than non-D/s relationships in regard to building trust.  I don't do casual relationships in either.  I don't do one night stands.  I don't pick up people at bars.  I tend to meet people and get to know them just because I like meeting people.  Some of those people spark something romantic or sexual after a time.  In those cases I did have "references" so to speak.  I met them through mutual friends or co-workers then developed my own relationship with them.  Even if it were a blind date, someone you know has set you up. 

I have developed a reputation as a "good spanker" among both my lifestyle and vanilla friends.  Even last night a casual acquaintance was talking about liking a good spanking from time to time.  A friend across the table laughed and said that if that's what they wanted then they should ask me to go get a paddle.  It was in jest but I guess that was sort of a reference.  (I did end up spanking her over the hood of a car in the parking lot in front of the rest of our group lol.)  I should point out that me being able to redden a behind in the way that works for some doesn't mean beans as to suggesting some sort of mutual compatibility.

The bottom line is that I do trust the opinions of my friends but I also allow myself to form my own opinions based on my own experiences with each person.

(in reply to sirsholly)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: references - 8/23/2008 12:12:46 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Why would an x in most normal circumstances be knowing about your current elligibility status? For me that's absolutely NONE of my x's business and something they wouldn't be privy to knowing.  I don't share info about what I am doing in regards to am I seeing any one or not with x's. Now, they may of heard it through the grape vine or something, but rumors are about as useful as an apple when you need a steak, not very.



quote:

ORIGINAL: Mavis
If He says he's divorced, separated, unattached, the most recent ex can verify he's not currently attached.  Just say you want to verify before risking stepping on any toes.




(in reply to Mavis)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: references - 8/23/2008 12:30:59 PM   
AMaster


Posts: 814
Joined: 8/4/2005
Status: offline 		That is a tough question.  Some ex's are a little bitter.  I've had one unpleasant experience.   I was talking with a sub on another site.  After some time I realized we were not compatible and could not make a R/L connection, and told her that.  She e-mailed and messaged every fem sub she knew to tell them what a poor Master and loser she thought I was.  Take that for what it is worth.

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: references - 8/23/2008 12:57:56 PM   
SoulPiercer


Posts: 374
Joined: 5/27/2007
Status: offline 		Having been around the "scene" for a very long time now, the topic of references seems to have become like a story that's been handed down for generations and changed so many times that it no longer resembles the original version.

Way back when, young uns (chuckle), asking for references was something one did with casual play partners. References were people who knew you within the "scene" or local "community". The idea was to verify that the top or dominant did in fact know what they were doing, and wouldn't maim an unsuspecting bottom or submissive during simple bondage play.

Some where along the line, asking for references was changed to asking to speak with ex-partners, which I've never understood for the very reasons many other people have already mentioned.

I met a lovely submissive from collarme about this time last year. She wasn't so sure about me, so she started asking around. As luck would have it, she didn't find any of my ex's (the bodies are all safely hidden), but she did find the best friend of one my ex's who told her what a rotten bastard I am, etc., etc.. As a result, her opinion of me was now shaped by someone who is still angry at me for her view of something that happened 9 years ago.

_____________________________

Do you have any idea how many bones you have left for me to break? - Batman

(in reply to AMaster)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: references - 8/23/2008 2:18:24 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
Why don't you ask him why?  We could guess all day- maybe all his ex's are dead.


Alllll my exes live in Texas.......

(Sorry, couldn't resist)

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: references - 8/23/2008 2:37:04 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		dammit...now that song is gonna be stuck in my head

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: references - 8/23/2008 2:42:19 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		Good - Now I'm not the only one! 

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: references - 8/23/2008 3:09:26 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		brat ;)

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: references - 8/23/2008 3:42:19 PM   
Mavis


Posts: 828
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss

Why would an x in most normal circumstances be knowing about your current elligibility status? For me that's absolutely NONE of my x's business and something they wouldn't be privy to knowing.  I don't share info about what I am doing in regards to am I seeing any one or not with x's. Now, they may of heard it through the grape vine or something, but rumors are about as useful as an apple when you need a steak, not very.



quote:

ORIGINAL: Mavis
If He says he's divorced, separated, unattached, the most recent ex can verify he's not currently attached.  Just say you want to verify before risking stepping on any toes.






<giggles>  i meant not currently still attached to THEM. 

Believe it or not, Domlies have been known to lie about breaking up with a sub, only to find out He hadn't made that clear to HER.  There are stories to cover why they're still seen together ... like, she's got a chronic illness, i take her to the doctor weekly.  Or we spend three nights a week together so as not to disrupt the kids lives too much.  And this most priceless one:   "Oh, yes, we're separated, but I'm renting a room there til I can afford a place with a pool."  

I've only known one couple that was in that situation, and the ex-wife was absolutely comfortable telling people that yes, he lived downstairs.  She was dating also, and asked him to verify for her dates that they were not "together" just because they shared an address.  Sometimes it's legit.  The legit ones, you can always talk to. If it's not, He'll make all kinds of fussing about your "snooping", that'll weed those out.

_____________________________

~ Mavis

none of this applies to me, i'm only playing with lables this week.

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: references - 8/23/2008 10:00:38 PM   
blacksword404


Posts: 2068
Joined: 1/4/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: paperdollie

you make it sound so easy.....

i am OCD lol..... i completely stress out. especially over a life change such as this

i will prolly post threads from now till i actually am found, asking "what do i do?"


Measure twice, cut once
measure once, twice,thrice.... never cut


_____________________________

Don't fight him. Embrace your inner asshole.

Tu fellas magnus penum meum...iterum

Genuine catnip/kryptonite.
Ego sum erus.

The capacity to learn is a gift, the ability to learn a skill, the willingness to learn a choice. Dune HH

(in reply to paperdollie)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: references - 8/24/2008 12:40:00 AM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		References on both parts is traditional in my history of exposure.  My Xs are all still in my life to some degree or another.  After all, tt was the relationship and mutual goals that didn’t work, not our love, passion or friendship.  I also act as a reference for my Xs.  We speak highly of each other… except that one girl from band camp.

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to paperdollie)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: references - 8/24/2008 3:36:37 AM   
eyesopened


Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KyttynTheMynx

What if these women are vindictive bitter women who say the worst possible things about him because they know he is an amazing man and they want him for themselves?


The one and only time a potential partner offered one of his exs as a reference, she about ripped me to shreads telling me I wasn't good enough, could only be good enough if I thought like her, did the things she did, in other words, she wasn't over him, still wanted him and sure as hell didn't want me to be with him.  He had no idea....

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to KyttynTheMynx)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: references - 8/24/2008 2:19:31 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Some people don't play publicly so their partners and expartners don't want strange people calling them up asking personal questions.

Additionally, they are expartners for a reason. If they were still madly in love, they wouldn't be exes.

I would be mad as fire if some unknown woman called me up and said she wanted to start dating my exhusband and demanded I tell her what we did in bed and out. I wouldn't give him a good report simply for handing out my number. If she called more than once, I'd report her for stalking. I'm a private person.



_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to paperdollie)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: references - 8/24/2008 3:15:19 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Seriously.. who is going to give out a bad reference?
Kyst
quote:

ORIGINAL: paperdollie

i was speaking with a Dom earlier and He seemed to think it is pertinent to speak to the former subs. says it will help to determine the type of Master He would be to me. so i thought i would throw it out there and see what the general consensus isn't

(in reply to paperdollie)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: references - 8/25/2008 8:26:31 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Reminds me of when I used to hang out in the chat room. Seems when I met a person in the chatroom in person it was all over the chat room the same day. A side note: There were no bad reviews. I agree with what sirsholly said. Get to know the person yourself and form your own opinion.

(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 55
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