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RE: Mentoring... - 8/27/2008 7:44:50 AM

subeos

Posts: 140
Joined: 5/23/2008
Status: offline

quote:

So you asked him to "mentor" you without knowing what it meant? You probably should have had a discussion with him regarding what you expected from a mentoring on-line relationship. Yes, discussion, not a situation where he lays down the rules without input from you. After all, you asked him to mentor you.

Yes, your right. And we were discussing certain things, but he became controlling to soon. That is why it lasted less than 24 hours.
Plus, he asked me if i wanted to meet him and be with his slave/ wife before i asked him to mentor me.
i can say i got out of this one. So i maybe made a wrong judgment, but glad i got out soon!

Nevertheless, thank you for the links and thanks Cruel Desire for your support.

slave eos

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 21

RE: Mentoring... - 8/27/2008 7:44:52 AM

lighthearted

Posts: 1165
Joined: 11/26/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subeos

He ordered me off-line on Yahoo... and what is funny is he knew when i was on-line invisible.
So he wrote me off-lines and and demanded that i get off. i was actually talking to another friend.

there are programs out there which will tell someone if you "invisible" but signed into your messenger. that's probably how he found out.

I've had that done to me and found it pretty invasive. some people just don't get it...if you wanted to talk to them, you would!

_____________________________

"Thou art to me a delicious torment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

(in reply to subeos)

Post #: 22

RE: Mentoring... - 8/27/2008 7:47:19 AM

subeos

Posts: 140
Joined: 5/23/2008
Status: offline

quote:

there are programs out there which will tell someone if you "invisible" but signed into your messenger. that's probably how he found out.

I've had that done to me and found it pretty invasive. some people just don't get it...if you wanted to talk to them, you would!

That is what creeped me out. i was told there are programs glad to have a 2nd on that. Yeah it was invasive and i did not appreciate it at all.

slave eos

(in reply to lighthearted)

Post #: 23

RE: Mentoring... - 8/27/2008 9:14:00 AM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

There are a ton of programs that will tell you if someone is invisible in yahoo. Google will get you a ton of hits. Here's one, if you want to read about it: http://buddy-spy.com/

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to subeos)

Post #: 24

RE: Mentoring... - 8/27/2008 9:21:25 AM

blacksword404

Posts: 2068
Joined: 1/4/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lighthearted

quote:

ORIGINAL: subeos

He ordered me off-line on Yahoo... and what is funny is he knew when i was on-line invisible.
So he wrote me off-lines and and demanded that i get off. i was actually talking to another friend.

there are programs out there which will tell someone if you "invisible" but signed into your messenger. that's probably how he found out.

I've had that done to me and found it pretty invasive. some people just don't get it...if you wanted to talk to them, you would!

If you visit someones yahoo profile page. It will tell you if they are online or not. Even if they are invisible or not.

_____________________________

Don't fight him. Embrace your inner asshole.

Tu fellas magnus penum meum...iterum

Genuine catnip/kryptonite.
Ego sum erus.

The capacity to learn is a gift, the ability to learn a skill, the willingness to learn a choice. Dune HH

(in reply to lighthearted)

Post #: 25

RE: Mentoring... - 8/27/2008 9:55:12 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist
thinks it's a bunch of bs to make a beeline into your holes about 60 percent of the time.

I gotta agree with this. Don't you just love a "community" where the training function for newcomers comes complete with it's own abuse?

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 26

RE: Mentoring... - 8/27/2008 10:44:01 AM

soul2share

Posts: 7084
Joined: 12/18/2007
From: somewhere out there.....
Status: offline

Well, I have located a mentor Dom from this site actually. He is local, and we have been getting together for about 5 weeks now. This guy is INCREDIBLE! We have literally spent anywhere from 3-6 hours each meeting just talking......and the things that he was able to pick up on about me are things that I wasn't even aware of......fear for one thing. The first time we met, I told him about the hard limit about my breasts, no torture, no hitting, nothing.....and he simply walked towards me with a flogger in his hand, and I did the "duck and cover" thing. I had ruled out anything because of the sensitivity that my breasts had...one blow dropped me to my knees, Literally. He gave me "homework", desensitizing exercises, where I use things on myself, at my own speed, time limit, intensity......5 weeks later, I have some serious technicolor bruises across my breasts that he put there not only with a flogger, but a 9 tail whip and cane. I was not restrained in any way, i was simply hanging on to a chain hanging from the ceiling, and I didn't move an inch! And that is just the tip of the iceberg.

I had TONS of questions about the lifestyle. How the dynamic works, what the Dom gets out of doing his thing, protocols, rules......things that I had tried in the past to ask of Doms, and the only answer I got was "it depends on the Dom"....Bull! This man has opened my eyes and my mind to the whole world of D/s, and each time is an even better learning experience. But again, not everyone is cut out to be a Mentor.......he works for me, his methods of teaching and training, the activity that we do. You just need to make sure that you both are going in the same direction.

_____________________________

I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?"...people are starting to take it as a challenge!

*Not a fuck was given.*

(in reply to DavidS8ist)

Post #: 27

RE: Mentoring... - 8/27/2008 11:46:38 AM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: soul2share

Well, I have located a mentor Dom from this site actually. He is local, and we have been getting together for about 5 weeks now. This guy is INCREDIBLE! We have literally spent anywhere from 3-6 hours each meeting just talking......and the things that he was able to pick up on about me are things that I wasn't even aware of......fear for one thing. The first time we met, I told him about the hard limit about my breasts, no torture, no hitting, nothing.....and he simply walked towards me with a flogger in his hand, and I did the "duck and cover" thing. I had ruled out anything because of the sensitivity that my breasts had...one blow dropped me to my knees, Literally. He gave me "homework", desensitizing exercises, where I use things on myself, at my own speed, time limit, intensity......5 weeks later, I have some serious technicolor bruises across my breasts that he put there not only with a flogger, but a 9 tail whip and cane. I was not restrained in any way, i was simply hanging on to a chain hanging from the ceiling, and I didn't move an inch! And that is just the tip of the iceberg.

I had TONS of questions about the lifestyle. How the dynamic works, what the Dom gets out of doing his thing, protocols, rules......things that I had tried in the past to ask of Doms, and the only answer I got was "it depends on the Dom"....Bull! This man has opened my eyes and my mind to the whole world of D/s, and each time is an even better learning experience. But again, not everyone is cut out to be a Mentor.......he works for me, his methods of teaching and training, the activity that we do. You just need to make sure that you both are going in the same direction.

Sorry soul...in my opinion and my opinion only...he is teaching you many things about D/s but instead of stating "It depends on the dom", he is teaching you what various things within D/s mean to him. While I will grant you that, if the only answer that came from other dominants was "it depends on the dom" with no further explanation given, that the statement is a stupid one...it is a true one. His opinion of what slavery is may be completely different from mine...and completely different from Merc's...and completely different from Knight's. While he can teach you all about various kneeling positions or protocol or rituals, it is going to be from his point of view and...possibly...from others whose opinion he respects. I would venture to state that these are things that any dominant interested in taking you on as a submissive...and even quite a few who just enjoy being friends with a submissive...could teach you about. But in terms of being submissive...what submissive feelings are, how submissives relate to dominants, doubts and insecurities that plague submissives, the difficulty in finding that "submissive" within sometimes...he can only teach you from a dominant perspective. Certainly not from the side of the slash you are on...because he is not there.

You state that he has helped you to get over your fear of having your breasts hit and has shown you how it can be done properly so that it does not hurt you. Question: how many dominants do you suppose want to carry on this conversation:
submissive: "wait...before you begin to flog/hit/pinch/whatever to my breasts, let me tell you the "proper" way that it should be done"
Dominant: O.K.....tell me about it.
submissive: ~gives instructions~
Dominant: How did you learn about all that?
submissive: A dominant showed me that I could do this without fear, so long as it was done this way and this way only.
Dominant: Really? And just what sort of "medical/psychological/torture experience has he had that qualifies him over myself or any other sadist?

It is sort of akin to hearing "My mentor says THIS is how this should be done...and this is how THAT should be done." And while I am happy for you that you have had some great play sessions...other than the fact that he has done for you what, apparently, other dominants have not been able to do, what exactly did you learn from this play that is going to help you on your path to submission vs. what you have learned on your path to being a play partner?

(in reply to soul2share)

Post #: 28

RE: Mentoring... - 8/27/2008 12:14:25 PM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

It is sort of akin to hearing "My mentor says THIS is how this should be done...and this is how THAT should be done." And while I am happy for you that you have had some great play sessions...other than the fact that he has done for you what, apparently, other dominants have not been able to do, what exactly did you learn from this play that is going to help you on your path to submission vs. what you have learned on your path to being a play partner?

This is, for me, one of the biggest issues I have with what most people call "mentoring"... to me, mentoring should be about guiding the mentee in hir own progression. It should include as many options/variations as possible, and should include the possibility that the mentee may find yet -another- way that is equally valid for hir, despite not being the preferred method of the mentor or anyone the mentor knows. Mentorship should, IMO, also include access to information from others -- to me, part of the role of mentorship is helping the mentee find people who can explain the things the mentee is interested in that the mentor is not familiar with.

If it is all about one person's opinion and one person's preferences, or is more about the mentor's preferences than what the mentee wants to learn about or what the mentee needs to progress, that may be -training-, but it isn't necessarily 'mentorship' (hence the reason that our household separates the two, and a trainer position is completely separate from mentorship... and why, in fact, we often go outside of the House to find a mentor for a servant.)

Calla Firestorm

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Post #: 29

RE: Mentoring... - 8/27/2008 1:11:26 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

what the Dom gets out of doing his thing, protocols, rules......things that I had tried in the past to ask of Doms, and the only answer I got was "it depends on the Dom"....Bull!

Please explain to us how the things he taught you about protocol, rules, etc will translate equally to every dominant. I have doubts.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to soul2share)

Post #: 30

RE: Mentoring... - 8/27/2008 1:27:56 PM

ExSteelAgain

Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline

I'm shortening my whole philosophical discussion about mentoring. I'll shorten it to say if you are mentored, you will be fucked. If you are a new dom being mentored by another, you will bring your girl along so he can fuck her to show you how.

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 31

RE: Mentoring... - 8/27/2008 1:33:25 PM

soul2share

Posts: 7084
Joined: 12/18/2007
From: somewhere out there.....
Status: offline

okay all.....I'll try to explain this a little clearer.

First, CD....the "conversation" you outline won't happen. What he's done is not show me the "proper" way to do things, but he's shown me how to NOT be afraid of things. I know that everyone has their own way of using their implements, and because of the way he's teaching me to deal with that fact, I CAN deal with the differences. I have NEVER reached subspace or even anything close before....yet the last time he flogged and whipped me I was so gone that I almost let go of the chain and fell on my face 3 times. What felt like 5 minutes of flogging was actually 30.....and I've never been hit that hard before. I have one dom that I've seen, and the intensity that he starts out at is the same level I usually end up at....I've only tolerated his sessions, never once truly enjoyed them. The next time we meet, I know that I will enjoy it.

He is showing me how to handle things in ways that so far, no one else has. He is also answering my questions about the varied aspects of this lifestyle. I don't care what title you choose to call it, mentoring, training, whatever...but he's showing me ways to improve myself, to make myself better for the dom that I hope to eventually serve. Again, it may not work for everyone, but it's working for me. That doesn't make it wrong, it doesn't make it stupid or useless.

Katie, what he's done is answer MY questions about the things that I listed. The information he's given me will actually help me. I look at something from all angles, and when I've asked others my questions, I never got any kind of response that was helpful. I want to know BOTH sides of the equation, and he's let me see it. I know doms are not one size fits all, and what works for one isn't going to necessarily work for the other, but again, the whole point to me seeking him out was FOR ME, not any other doms. It is self improvement that I seek, not to be turned into a little subby robot. For me, the mental aspects are far more interesting than the physical ones, but then again, I tend to think too much!

I know ya'll are going to have your opinions, doubts, and probably there is some eye rolling going on....again, this works for me...YMMV. And I also have conversations with other subs, doms and switches, again to get their views on the lifestyle. I'm curious......not an idiot.

_____________________________

I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?"...people are starting to take it as a challenge!

*Not a fuck was given.*

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 32

RE: Mentoring... - 8/27/2008 1:33:40 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

Katy:

Not that I mean to imply for a second that this is what the OP's dom did or didn't do, but it passes reason to think that it is impossible to talk about things like protocol, rules and "etc." (*laughs*) in a generic sense. To whit...

Rules: Rules are the clear and explicitly stated view of the dominants wishes. Dominants make rules in order to communicate clear expectations to their submissives. To the extent that the rules are unambiguous and achievable, they on one hand constrain the actions of the submissive, but on the other hand, provide a clear milestone for success.

I could go on and on. I could talk about what makes for "good" rules and "not so good" ones. I could talk about controlling rule bloat. I could talk about how rules can undermine the dom's authority or how they can be used to enhance it. I could probably write a good long posting on my blog about just rules...why they exist, how they work for and against the relationship, etc. I could do the same with protocol, or anything else I'm aware of except for the specifics implementations of those generic concepts into a particular relationship. Even the ever-popular sub/slave thing can be talked about articulately and generically.

More to the point, I'd also be willing to bet that YOU could do the same thing. When did it become fashionable to declare the entire scope of BDSM to be so ethereal and esoteric that it cannot be discussed at all?

-------------------
Soul2share
Good for you. If you've found a REAL mentor then that's great. I think the cynicism you got from myself and others had more to do with how *coughs* mentoring is normally done ... which is what I would've called abuse or at best "skeevy".

< Message edited by leadership527 -- 8/27/2008 1:36:04 PM >

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 33

RE: Mentoring... - 8/27/2008 1:34:24 PM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain

I'm shortening my whole philosophical discussion about mentoring. I'll shorten it to say if you are mentored, you will be fucked. If you are a new dom being mentored by another, you will bring your girl along so he can fuck her to show you how.

Very cynical perspective -- fortunately, not one that is reflected in every mentoring relationship. In fact, I can't remember fucking ever being a part of the mentoring process on either end of the collar.

CFB

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to ExSteelAgain)

Post #: 34

RE: Mentoring... - 8/27/2008 1:42:03 PM

ExSteelAgain

Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline

CFB, look at the example we are given here. The dom is whipping her often and scening with her on a regular basis, yet, the only committment he has is that he is a mentor. Okay.....if some want to suspend common sense for awhile, more power to them if that's what they want. I wonder how long her mentorship will go on? Till the dom is tired maybe?

< Message edited by ExSteelAgain -- 8/27/2008 1:43:28 PM >

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 35

RE: Mentoring... - 8/27/2008 1:43:40 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

People that use "special" words for relationships (such as "mentoring") involve fucking in it. People that use the word appropriately (to coach someone into being more like them) don't involve fucking in it.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 36

RE: Mentoring... - 8/27/2008 1:46:59 PM

ExSteelAgain

Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline

Where would you draw the line besides fucking?

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 37

RE: Mentoring... - 8/27/2008 1:47:43 PM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain

CFB, look at the example we are given here. The dom is whipping her often and scening with her on a regular basis, yet, the only committment he has is that he is a mentor. Okay.....if some want to suspend common sense for awhile, more power to them if that's what they want. I wonder how long her mentorship will go on? Till the dom is tired maybe?

Call it semantics. As I've already said, I consider what s2s is going through to be 'training', not 'mentoring' -- and I draw my definition of mentoring from outside of the BDSM community, from the way the word is used in the business and esoteric worlds.

CFB

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to ExSteelAgain)

Post #: 38

RE: Mentoring... - 8/27/2008 1:48:26 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

People that use "special" words for relationships (such as "mentoring") involve fucking in it. People that use the word appropriately (to coach someone into being more like them) don't involve fucking in it.

Cali

Exactly.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 39

RE: Mentoring... - 8/27/2008 1:49:45 PM

persephonee

Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline

s2s~

i can clearly see that you have made a great connection with this particular dominant and that he is very important to you. Congratulations! i have 4 of those and wouldn't trade them for the world. And you are learning what you need to learn and you're doing it just the way you need to, which is sooo great.

In a D/s sense, what you are picking up now will serve you in the future in that youll have a general sense of right and wrong- from your perspective-and so what if you even pattern your choice for a person to have a relationship with after your mentor? That would actually work for you as you agree with his philosophy etc...
i can see that you just want to be able to bring something to the table and that this is helping you formulate your own opinions.

Just understand, that there may come a time when you meet someone who's views are diametrically opposed to what you are now learning and that you may have to make more decisions at that time.

Meanwhile....have fun and be safe and whatnot....
Cheers~
perse

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to soul2share)

Post #: 40

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