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RE: Help...what do I do now? - 8/29/2008 4:53:15 PM

Bella1965

Posts: 285
Joined: 12/12/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline

G'evening all:

To the OP - On top of the sound advice already given by the posters so far, I have to wonder. What on earth makes you think that self-damage is going to remove emotional pain? Get help, fast. That's seriously twisted and indicative of deeply rooted issues. Fix yourself first before you seek another BDSM relationship. Don't be desperate for attention. Get healthy on all levels before your surrender yourself heart, body and/or soul to another human being.

When you're done ripping yourself to shreds on the inside and find your self worth, you'll find you don't really need anyone's advice. You'll have the tools and fortitude to make the hard choices for yourself. First of which should be to tell this brat to cram it up his backside for breaking rules previously agreed to. Next, get to stepping. Grab your spine, shove a steel rod up inside it, cry your tears and move on. No one is worth the levels of distress you're described.

I'm harsh but honest. I won't phrase my opinions in pretty, politically correct terminology. IMNSHO? You deserve better than this manipulative crap.

Stay safe, play nice, & share your toys w/ others...

Bella

_____________________________

Life shouldn't be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly shouting..."Wow! What a ride!

(in reply to Domnslv4Pleasure)

Post #: 21

RE: Help, I'm not sure what do now.... - 8/29/2008 5:25:54 PM

Celene

Posts: 158
Joined: 12/28/2007
Status: offline

From the profile of Domnslv4Pleasure
"Safe and sane play (Dom has 27 yrs. experience), limits respected (occasionally pushed), and contract negotiable."

(this profile is one month old and the change happened three weeks ago)

Hmmmm, I'm very sure what I'd do, but as others have said before, I'm not a submissive and as a dominant I would be respectful of the submissive.
I am also not self destructive (cutter/burner), but you reverting to releasing your pain in this manner tells me you know the answer you are asking us to give you. I think you are quite sure what to do, but want someone to tell you to do what you know in your heart you need to do for your own well-being.

Again it is hard for me, as a dominant, to understand why you wouldn't "just do it".

He broke the contract, so you broke a promise.... aren't they the same?
It sounds as though you are both just acting out.
Time to ask "what's this giving/getting me?"

< Message edited by Celene -- 8/29/2008 5:37:00 PM >

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 22

RE: Help...what do I do now? - 8/29/2008 5:41:58 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Let's sum up.

1. You two have a contract which states you will not be shared.
2. Your Master determined that you would be shared. Breach of contract.
3. You decided to check out the other Master anyway.
4. After meeting the other Master, you decided that it wouldn't work.
5. You decided to break it to your Master in "an easier way", by implying that you did not object to breaking the contract itself, but not with this specific Master.
6. Since then, he's sulked.
7. Your response to the sulking was to pamper him. When that didn't work, you broke a rule and self-hurt.
8. He didn't respond to the self-hurt. He's still sulking.

First, you need to recognize your own lack of candor. If the rules mattered to you, you should have refused to meet with the other fellow and stated why. And what was your objection anyway? Was it that you didn't like him, or that it broke the contract? If the former, I'm not sure whether you have grounds to specify who you submit to. If the latter, then you have not communicated that to your Dom.

I'd be willing to cut him some slack if he was a new Master. But per your profile, he's got 27 years of experience and SHOULD know what he's doing.

He broke the contract and you didn't object. You met Master #2 and then told your Master that submitting to two men was one of your fantasies, but it wouldn't work with this fellow he chose. So you've clearly told him that you're fine with him breaking the contract, but not in this way. If I were him, I'd think you were topping from the bottom.

At this point, he could opt to punish you for insubordination or else make you communicate further. Instead, he chooses to sulk and stop communicating. This is immature in vanilla relationships and ridiculous for a Dom in a D/s one.

If you think he can still grow up, then explain to him that sharing was set up as a hard limit in your contract and it still is one for you. Figure out how to explain to him that you told him it was a longtime fantasy when it was actually a limit. Then apologize for confusing him.

If you don't think he can grow up... then you have to leave. If this is what it's like after nine months, it won't get better.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Bella1965)

Post #: 23

RE: Help...what do I do now? - 8/29/2008 6:54:23 PM

Huntertn

Posts: 715
Joined: 10/7/2006
Status: offline

Contracts can be rewritten....but only if you both talk it thu..sounds like to me while he did the first screw up..You compounded it by not being upright about your feelings over his breaking the contract. I suggest you do it fast..or move on..one last thing..the release you needed from the burning..while I disagree I do understand...but at the same time what kind of Master,much less a man ,lets you do that damage to yourself? A sub is too dam hard to find to allow that kind of shit.Even the Navy wrote guys up for getting to much of a sunburn..lol...

(in reply to HeavansKeeper)

Post #: 24

RE: Help...what do I do now? - 8/29/2008 6:56:10 PM

CruelDesires

Posts: 824
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline

I am curious. Your profile states,

quote:

Actively Seeking:

Submissive Women

Dom/Domme Couples

Friends Only

Joining a Poly Household

Yet here you state,

quote:

The problem is, my contract clearly states no sharing, giving me away, selling me, or trading me with other men.

The question I have is , what is your idea of poly?

C-D

_____________________________

Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself.
Lois McMaster Bujold, "A Civil Campaign", 1999

(in reply to Domnslv4Pleasure)

Post #: 25

RE: Help...what do I do now? - 8/30/2008 9:16:22 AM

restlessdreamer

Posts: 60
Joined: 3/19/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bella1965

G'evening all:

To the OP - On top of the sound advice already given by the posters so far, I have to wonder. What on earth makes you think that self-damage is going to remove emotional pain? Get help, fast. That's seriously twisted and indicative of deeply rooted issues. Fix yourself first before you seek another BDSM relationship. Don't be desperate for attention. Get healthy on all levels before your surrender yourself heart, body and/or soul to another human being.

When you're done ripping yourself to shreds on the inside and find your self worth, you'll find you don't really need anyone's advice. You'll have the tools and fortitude to make the hard choices for yourself. First of which should be to tell this brat to cram it up his backside for breaking rules previously agreed to. Next, get to stepping. Grab your spine, shove a steel rod up inside it, cry your tears and move on. No one is worth the levels of distress you're described.

I'm harsh but honest. I won't phrase my opinions in pretty, politically correct terminology. IMNSHO? You deserve better than this manipulative crap.

Stay safe, play nice, & share your toys w/ others...

Bella

You completely and undeniably, rock.

(in reply to Bella1965)

Post #: 26

RE: Help...what do I do now? - 8/30/2008 12:35:36 PM

Domnslv4Pleasure

Posts: 12
Joined: 7/28/2008
Status: offline

Thank you all for your advice in this matter. Some of it was a little difficult to swallow, but I recognize the truth and validity in what you all wrote.

1) I have chosen to get a backbone and address this issue more clearly and directly. I adore Him and don't want to replace Him.

2) While other women are fine with me, sex with other men is not something I would consider doing on a regular basis. I will need to give my consent each and every time this issue comes up. I will not live with another Master. I need to find out if that is a need for Him or just a fantasy. We need to renegotiate this part of the contract.

3) As for my burning, I don't leave scars anymore, and it works for me--so I'm not giving it up. I will remember in the future to ask first so He can monitor me. I understand this rule is for my safety.

Thank all of you again for your help and advice in this matter. (Yes, her tits were spectacular, *naughty grin*)

kelly

(in reply to restlessdreamer)

Post #: 27

RE: Help...what do I do now? - 8/31/2008 8:18:52 AM

Bella1965

Posts: 285
Joined: 12/12/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline

G'morning all:

To the OP. Apparently none of the sought after advice means a blessed thing to you. Your post was an exercise in futility or worse yet, dishonesty. Especially now that people have called you out on points in your profile. I had only perused it briefly and hadn't noticed the glaring discrepancies previous to my original reply.

Despite numerous posts indicating you should seek professional help for the self destructive habit of burning yourself, you decline to accept the rationale and continue. I welcome you to your own twisted psyche and caution you not to bother seeking anymore attention on the forums. Unhealthy practices are taken with a dim view here and poorly received.

As to the broken rules of your contract? Now I seriously doubt the existence of said document/practice in the first place, since it appears you're just toying with the principles governing such. There's also the probability that you're so desperate for a lifestyle situation, you'll do anything to nurture this relationship. How anyone can so devalue themselves as human being is beyond me. Getting your kink on isn't half as important as attaining and maintaining mental health.

I wash my hands of posting further in this thread and hope karma is the righteous boomerang that bites you in your ass.

Stay safe, play nice, & share your toys w/ others...

Bella

_____________________________

Life shouldn't be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly shouting..."Wow! What a ride!

(in reply to Domnslv4Pleasure)

Post #: 28

RE: Help, I'm not sure what do now.... - 8/31/2008 8:27:43 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Well lets see. He's broken the agreements you made when you got together and now he has withdrawn his dominance.

Ball's in your court. Either you give in to his poor choices and do what he wants while taking responsibility for making that choice. (aka no whining about it later)
OR, you move on to find someone that is more honourable and compatible.

I'd choose plan B, but then again I am not submissive and believe in honouring agreements, discussing proposed changes and not pouting like a child.

Ditto....

Also... I suggest you might want to seek some therapy... self-harm such as burning yourself is a sign of deeper issues that need to be dealt with in a healthy way.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 29

RE: Help, I'm not sure what do now.... - 8/31/2008 12:34:06 PM

Domnslv4Pleasure

Posts: 12
Joined: 7/28/2008
Status: offline

Thank you Bella for your observation,

1) When we were filling out the choices on the profile, we chose couples as friends, not sex/play partners. The boxes to check are not very clear in that area. However, we clearly stated what kind of play/sex partner we are looking for on the written part of the profile.

2) My question was for help in solving my problem, not running away from it. I was surprised at how many people cut and run from a problem without trying to work it out. I have had the same group of core friends for 25 years now, and this is because we work through issues. I am looking for friends in the Lifestyle now, because my core friends are not fully understanding my new Lifestyle.

3) Your doubts and obvious issues are yours to deal with Ma'am. Enjoy.

4) I did recieve the soundest advice in c-mail with a step-by-step on making it right.

5) You would be surprised at the response I recieved, but there are those who understood exactly where I was and how to fix this problem.

6) As for my "self-destructive" habit, any Lifestyle playing could be considered by some as "self-destructive" or "abusive". As I am a willing partner in what I do to myself--I consider it neither.

7) I will post when the mood or topic strikes me.

Kelly

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 30

RE: Help, I'm not sure what do now.... - 8/31/2008 1:05:24 PM

sujuguete

Posts: 263
Joined: 7/3/2008
From: DC metro area
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Domnslv4Pleasure

6) As for my "self-destructive" habit, any Lifestyle playing could be considered by some as "self-destructive" or "abusive". As I am a willing partner in what I do to myself--I consider it neither.

I'm glad you said this, because that is exactly what I was thinking as I read all the responses that told you to get help.

Why is it okay to let another bind us, beat us, bring us to tears, leave cuts, welts, bruises and scars on our bodies, but it is not okay for us to do it to ourselves? Sounds a bit hypocritical to me.

At least when one hurts oneself, one has complete control over the amount of pain and/or damage that is done. You can't always say that when you allow someone else to hurt you.

_____________________________

"The true man wants two things: danger and play. For this reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything." ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

(in reply to Domnslv4Pleasure)

Post #: 31

RE: Help, I'm not sure what do now.... - 8/31/2008 4:17:21 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Why is it okay to let another bind us, beat us, bring us to tears, leave cuts, welts, bruises and scars on our bodies, but it is not okay for us to do it to ourselves?

It all comes down to 'intent'

Back to the regular scheduled program

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to sujuguete)

Post #: 32

RE: Help...what do I do now? - 8/31/2008 4:25:18 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Figure out how to explain to him that you told him it was a longtime fantasy when it was actually a limit.

This is a joke, I hope. I know people who fantasize about starring in a snuff film, or having limbs broken, but that doesn't mean they would ever actually do it. Fantasy is not the same as on ones to do list.

Lots of people fantasize about stuff they are never going to be willing to do. Nobody owes someone else an explanation or apology for having a fantasy that is still a hard limit.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 33

RE: Help...what do I do now? - 8/31/2008 5:39:27 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Figure out how to explain to him that you told him it was a longtime fantasy when it was actually a limit.

This is a joke, I hope. I know people who fantasize about starring in a snuff film, or having limbs broken, but that doesn't mean they would ever actually do it. Fantasy is not the same as on ones to do list.

Lots of people fantasize about stuff they are never going to be willing to do. Nobody owes someone else an explanation or apology for having a fantasy that is still a hard limit.

It was absolutely not a joke. Take it in context.

From OP's post, she seems to feel that sharing violated a limit and her contract. She had two opportunities to tell her Master how she felt, one before she met the other man, and one afterward. The first time she said nothing, and the second she told him that this was a longtime fantasy and that she was open to it.

Under those circumstances, she's basically told him that she's fine with being shared. However, OP seems to not want to be shared and she owes her Master an explanation if she wants to continue with him.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 34

RE: Help...what do I do now? - 8/31/2008 5:50:22 PM

E2Sweet

Posts: 649
Joined: 7/8/2008
From: TopLeftCornerOf, OH, USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

...Attempt A: Brute Force, shove it on her and hope her sense of wanting to be a good girl will guilt her enough into it

Attempt B: Shame and ignoring, hope her fear of losing me and neediness for my attention will guilt her enough into it....

This is almost exactly what I was thinking when I read the OP.

The only thing I'd add is "stealthy" to to the term brute force. He didn't clue you in on his plan ahead of time, and it seems to me, what he was planning was a huge, relationship altering deal. I suspect he was springing it on you at the last minute when all the leg work was done so there wouldn't be time for you to fully evaluate how you feel about the changes. Sneaky, sneaky...

_____________________________

E2Sweet™
"If it doesn't make you smile then chances are you're not doing it right."

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 35

RE: Help, I'm not sure what do now.... - 9/1/2008 6:05:00 AM

sujuguete

Posts: 263
Joined: 7/3/2008
From: DC metro area
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

quote:

Why is it okay to let another bind us, beat us, bring us to tears, leave cuts, welts, bruises and scars on our bodies, but it is not okay for us to do it to ourselves?

It all comes down to 'intent'

Back to the regular scheduled program

Okay, and it sounds like the intent of the OP was to get the same kind of release from burning herself that she gets from pain play. What's wrong with that?

_____________________________

"The true man wants two things: danger and play. For this reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything." ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 36

RE: Help, I'm not sure what do now.... - 9/1/2008 4:18:15 PM

DestroyingAngel

Posts: 4
Joined: 6/3/2007
Status: offline

hello kelly and everyone else, an interesting problem to be sure. My concern would really focus on the "waxing" as the most important issue here. it sounds to Me like you are in some emotional pain and the wax helps you to externalize this inner suffering. this type of coping is quite common and is probably better than stuffing all the emotions away. certainly hot wax could be less harmful than cutting yourself and maybe there are even less harmful ways to help yourself feel better. finding someone to talk to about this could really help. personally I believe that unless you have some better, safer way of coping in place, simply stopping the wax isn't the answer. I feel that you are a strong person for knowing yourself so well and being able to do "what you need" to take care of yourself. I understand your situation with your friends, My slave and I have a similar situation, sometimes our lifestyle can be lonely. contact Me if you like and good luck.

(in reply to Domnslv4Pleasure)

Post #: 37

RE: Help, I'm not sure what do now.... - 9/2/2008 9:30:06 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

To the OP...often times I have found that when one partner changes the "rules" so to speak in a relationship, they are in actual fact attempting to end that relationship with as little emotional "fallout" as can be incurred...basically their way of saying.."well we seem to not be a very good match, as we once thought"..of course this could be the wee cynic in me coming out..

..Tempting

_____________________________

I have greatly enjoyed the second blooming...suddenly you find at the age of 50, that a whole new life has opened before you.........Agatha Christie.

You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

(in reply to DestroyingAngel)

Post #: 38

RE: Help...what do I do now? - 9/6/2008 2:02:33 PM

Worldly1

Posts: 37
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline

If you think that building a solid D/s relationship is difficult enough, add a bunch more more people to the equation and see what happens!!

(in reply to Domnslv4Pleasure)

Post #: 39

RE: Help...what do I do now? - 9/14/2008 7:15:10 PM

Morniel

Posts: 60
Joined: 11/9/2007
Status: offline

First, go back and remind him of your contractual agreements. When he fails to accept it, or threatens to alter the agreement so that it breaks your limit, leave.

Stop worrying that you're not going to find someone else, who might actually give a damn about you. You will.

On the other hand, you could stay. Since he's shown himself to be dishonest and uncaring except as regards his own penis, from what you say, you already know you don't matter to him. But hey at least you DO know where you stand, right?

(in reply to HeavansKeeper)

Post #: 40

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