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Need advice from this side - 8/30/2008 7:52:02 AM

HarleyMan2008

Posts: 15
Joined: 8/30/2008
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I am looking for a starting point in this lifestyle. As I posted in the introduction section. My wife has recently advised me that she has been looking into this and is very curious. However there are some concerns and hang ups that we need to get past.
We have been together since we were in high school so over 14 years. She has not always been open with me about her desires. Over the last year she has joined second life and realized there is alot more out there and wants to maybe try it out. She met a male on there that is a master and she has done a few things for him. While I do not mind in a way, on the other hand I want that person to be me not him. She states that I am the one who will benefit from the things she has heard about?
However in our conversations she admits that she doesnt think she can be submissive to me and would be more likely to submit to a stranger. She states that "It just wont work out" but then retracts and says she wants to try it but not to push it.
So thats a small start to what has been said and I am really interested in doing this as it works for me. I love control and have never really attempted it.
What or where should I start with her and how can I begin to train her to be a sub/slave? I am looking for pointers and thoughts from other subs. Thanks

Post #: 1

RE: Need advice from this side - 8/30/2008 7:58:42 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
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first you have to be sure its what you both actually want cos it certainly seems that there are some issues around that! Alsdo find out what you both want from it, what attracts you both to it? Before you ask the basics then you wouldnt be able to b egin training her to 'be' anything

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Post #: 2

RE: Need advice from this side - 8/30/2008 8:12:06 AM

HarleyMan2008

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Joined: 8/30/2008
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She wants to try bondage. She wants to have it rough but not sure how much. I want to have her be satisfied by pleasing me and make our sex that more intense as well. I believe we are both open to the idea but neither of us are sure where to begin.
She just isnt sure that she can submit to me and make a lifestyle change after this long.

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 3

RE: Need advice from this side - 8/30/2008 8:21:31 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
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"i want to have her satisfied by pleasing me" wow you been reading much, look if its about spicing up your sex life then i dont think its that big an issue people do it all the time, jsut go to your local shop and buy some basic bondage things, i mean the trust is already there, just experiment

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to HarleyMan2008)

Post #: 4

RE: Need advice from this side - 8/30/2008 8:25:32 AM

HarleyMan2008

Posts: 15
Joined: 8/30/2008
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Okay. Here is an example. The other day she was at work and I asked her to go masterbate but not cum as I was going to have her build her tension and release at a later time. She was dead set against it and giggled. Now I am aiming to give small punishments in the beginning for not obeying commands but not sure where to start with them.
I am going to go look for toys later this afternoon but not sure what to get or try.

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 5

RE: Need advice from this side - 8/30/2008 8:28:59 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
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basically its up to you, to be honest if she doesnt see you that way and doesnt want to try then my advice is dont take it too seriously ok

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to HarleyMan2008)

Post #: 6

RE: Need advice from this side - 8/30/2008 8:29:12 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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I agree- the question is, can she give you the time and energy and focus needed to learn to train herself into seeing you in a new way and new dynamic, and do you have the motivation and internal drive to become her dominant over time? Can she be content with submission being boring at times? My guess is right now she's in fantasy frenzy ville and she won't enjoy boring submission like you telling her to go take out the trash. That will take time to get past and she needs to be mature enough to get there without saying "You're not dom enough" and you need to be consistent enough not to just be lazy and "forget" to reinforce the dynamic in an ongoing basis.

I'd say take her to a Petsmart training class and tell her to take notes on what sort of bitch she'd like to be trained as.

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(in reply to HarleyMan2008)

Post #: 7

RE: Need advice from this side - 8/30/2008 8:43:49 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

When a relationship is already established it can be easier to set aside specific times for BDSM in the beginning instead of trying to go directly to 24/7.

As a slave I know that what drives me to serve is being appreciated. I also appreciate special "treats"; each person will have their own, things as simple as a deep kiss if a job is done well. Punishments do not need to be elaborate. Corner time and being ignored is a very effective one.

I would recommend not going crazy at the toy store until you know what you want. Hands make perfect spanking machines, and you can improvise with a lot of things until you find out more about what you both like. If dressing up in a certain way is a turn on for both of you then maybe a good place to start is with a costume.

Have her keep in mind that during a session that you are in charge. I'm not saying not to respect her limits, but get yourself in the frame of mind that she is to follow your commands or there will be a punishment, even if it is only a light slap on the butt to get her full attention. Telling her to masturbate in front of you might get much more attention than having her do it on her own in the beginning. Some subs need a lot of positive feedback in the beginning. Being a good Dom takes patience and a learning curve. I am sure that you will find lots of ways for the two of you to find a new level of enjoyment with each other.

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Post #: 8

RE: Need advice from this side - 8/30/2008 8:46:28 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
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I would have had the same reaction if my husband had asked that of me. You just can't jump in and make that suggestion cold! Thats like saying to your wife, I don't feel I need to do anywork to get you horny, I just want to use you when I am home. Trust me when I say wives are tired of just being a receptacle at the end of the day. A lover.. yeah they might get hot with the thought. But a wife of 14 yrs? She has been there enough!

Now, my suggestion is that you take her out shopping. Go to Lowes and ask the staff in plumbing about shower heads. Make sure she is standing beside you, even if you have to hold her arm. Discuss the merits of different shower heads. Which detach so you can hold them in your hand? Do they have different settings, speeds, intensity? Half the fun of this is buildup!

You are attempting to find a shortcut by making her work herself up for you.
Buy that showerhead and show her how to use it. Speak to her about how important it is to be clean for your fingers and tongue. Focus on temperature and reactions, speed and pulsation, build her up, and don't complete the job.

Don't be so used to spreading her legs and taking her that you forget she has been there, done that. It is time to look at her like she is a brand new girlfriend you want to entice.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: HarleyMan2008
I asked her to go masterbate but not cum as I was going to have her build her tension and release at a later time. She was dead set against it and giggled

(in reply to HarleyMan2008)

Post #: 9

RE: Need advice from this side - 8/30/2008 8:49:21 AM

HarleyMan2008

Posts: 15
Joined: 8/30/2008
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Yes. I want her to masterbate in front of me when I say. I am trying to contain myself because this has gotten me so intense with intrigue.

(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 10

RE: Need advice from this side - 8/30/2008 9:11:38 AM

persephonee

Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I'd say take her to a Petsmart training class and tell her to take notes on what sort of bitch she'd like to be trained as.

Niiiiice.....

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And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 11

RE: Need advice from this side - 8/30/2008 9:51:25 AM

Daddyssweetpea

Posts: 89
Joined: 8/23/2008
Status: offline

try this:

when you are out in public with her, whisper quietly in her ear, "when we get home, you will go upstairs, strip, get on your hands and knees and wait for me" or something of that ilk. so much is in the tone, that confident, Daddy brooks no opposition demeanor. it is delicious for me when Daddy tells me things like that get me all hot and bothered in the middle of Home Depot where all I can do is squirm. And I say to him, "Joe and Mary Normal go shopping."

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 12

RE: Need advice from this side - 8/30/2008 11:40:07 AM

katie978

Posts: 352
Joined: 7/21/2007
Status: offline

So far, your wife has strongly stated that she doesn't want to/can't submit to you and has refused all your orders. I think that you need to start a lot smaller than having her do big things like masturbating at work.

First, she needs to decide whether she's even interested in pursuing a D/s relationship with you. She says she can't submit to you...is she in love with her other master and is only seeking your permission to move their affair to real-time?

I suggest that you start out with the BDSM books: Different Loving, Skip the Roses, etc. etc.. These books will give a better idea than erotic literature will about what a BDSM relationship is like. It will also help her distinguish between reality and fantasy BDSM.

Then, start slow. Have one hour a week where you two play and do kinky stuff. Build it up to two hours. Plan a whole weekend where you'll be in the Dominant/submission mode. Eventually, you can build up to ordering her to masturbate at work.

For me, the weirdest thing about making my "lifestyle change" is that it wasn't that big of a change at all. I still do the normal boyfriend/girlfriend things I would normally do with a partner, I just also get to let out the submissive that was always shyly waiting underneath the surface. My life didn't change dramatically....I don't have chains hanging all around my house, I didn't have to buy a whole new black leather wardrobe. I think if you take things in small steps, your wife will suddenly realize that you've been her dominant for months and months and she never had to make a huge lifestyle change.

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(in reply to Daddyssweetpea)

Post #: 13

RE: Need advice from this side - 8/30/2008 12:04:08 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: HarleyMan2008

Okay. Here is an example. The other day she was at work and I asked her to go masterbate but not cum as I was going to have her build her tension and release at a later time. She was dead set against it and giggled. Now I am aiming to give small punishments in the beginning for not obeying commands but not sure where to start with them.
I am going to go look for toys later this afternoon but not sure what to get or try.

Wow! Careful there. I cannot even tell you how strongly I feel that punishing her is going to set you back about 600 steps. Of course, I'm just guessing, but it sounds to me more like "you tried to extend your dominance past the authority she'd given you" than she failed to obey. And god only knows, the very LAST thing I'd be doing is anything that would setup negative associations with this thing that you'd like her to come to enjoy. Despite the fact that it's very popular and trendy and Dom's get to impress other doms and subs alike by how badass they are, punishment as a training tactic is riddled with flaws.

(in reply to HarleyMan2008)

Post #: 14

RE: Need advice from this side - 8/30/2008 12:27:09 PM

mbes

Posts: 465
Joined: 12/14/2006
Status: offline

The biggest drawback I've found to switching gears like you propose is that you both have patterns of behavior to overcome. She's used to giggling and not following orders, and you're accustomed to not being obeyed. Those patterns can be tough to overcome. That doesn't make it impossible. Any habit can be broken, it just takes will and patience.
The biggest advantage is that some level of trust is already established. That can be a huge advantage. You probably also have a pretty good understanding of how you both tick.
If you want her all worked up and thinking about you, use your knowledge of what gets her motor running to your advantage. What gets her going? What keeps sex on her mind? More importantly, what keeps YOU on her mind? Does she work in an office? Send her flowers with a discreet note about pleasures to come. Does she like spankings? If she does, and finds her ass tingly all day as she moves, chances are really good you'll be in her thoughts. Tell her you want her to wear a specific pair of shoes, and when she looks down at them, she'll think of you. "Masturbate at work" can be a difficult command. "Look at your ring and think about (activity of your choice)" can be much easier, and more productive.
Most important of all, talk. A lot. About what you want. About what she wants. Do you want a servant? A sex toy? Both? Something else entirely? How well does that mesh with what she wants? Find the common ground, explore it, and go from there.

(in reply to katie978)

Post #: 15

RE: Need advice from this side - 8/30/2008 12:31:03 PM

mbes

Posts: 465
Joined: 12/14/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527
Wow! Careful there. I cannot even tell you how strongly I feel that punishing her is going to set you back about 600 steps. Of course, I'm just guessing, but it sounds to me more like "you tried to extend your dominance past the authority she'd given you" than she failed to obey. And god only knows, the very LAST thing I'd be doing is anything that would setup negative associations with this thing that you'd like her to come to enjoy. Despite the fact that it's very popular and trendy and Dom's get to impress other doms and subs alike by how badass they are, punishment as a training tactic is riddled with flaws.

I like the way you think.
As for toys, what is your goal with them? The belt hanging in your closet, and the wooden spoons in the kitchen are great toys. Neckties and bathrobe sashes can be quite effective tools for bondage. What kind of things are you looking for?

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 16

RE: Need advice from this side - 8/30/2008 3:16:58 PM

HarleyMan2008

Posts: 15
Joined: 8/30/2008
Status: offline

Since we have opened this up it has totally changed my view on her. It is new, fun, and exciting. I love her as much as the day we met. She is everything I need. We both need something new and exciting to liven things up. This could be it.
As for toys, I want to give her a little pain and pleasure. I want to know that we are out of the house she could be wet from the intensity of something. I guess I am in a rush. Thanks for everything advised this far. Keep it coming.

(in reply to mbes)

Post #: 17

RE: Need advice from this side - 8/30/2008 3:46:23 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
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OK, next bit of advice...

"I guess I am in a rush."

Stop. Take a deep breath. You have, as I remember, a 14 year long marriage riding on this. If you don't muff it, you have another 40 or so years to enjoy that marriage. In my experience the dominance and submission aspects in particular of BDSM are a high stakes game. On one hand, there's a lot of good things that can come from that. On the other hand, you could torpedo your marriage in an amazingly short time. Even the other, purely sexual parts of BDSM expose us to each other in ways that are more extreme (and therefor, more potentially hurtful) than is normal in the vanilla world.

Insofar as livening things up, my wife and I have been together for 13 years. We aren't so much doing the BD and SM parts as just a plain, unadorned Master/slave relationship (full authority transfer). I don't know if I'd say "livened things up" is exactly the right phrase. But it has given us a renewed focus on our marriage and, conveniently enough, it has turned out to be a relationship model that works well for us. As LA so succinctly puts it...

I like having authority and she likes not having authority

So yes, it can certainly reinvigorate a relationship that my be stuck in the doldrums (as all relationships eventually get to at one point or another). But for god's sake, rushing is both not required and needlessly risky. This is you wife of 14 years, not some girl you met yesterday and hey, if it doesn't work out, so what? For myself and my wife,I went very very slowly. I was careful to expand my dominance carefully. At first, only in pre-negotiated areas and even then cautiously. Later, after we got past the boundaries phase, I expanded only into areas that I new would be good and appealing for her. I gave her LOTS and LOTS of commands that made her smile (kiss me, get dressed we're going out to dinner, etc.). Again, the point here is that if I want her to enjoy this new experience, I need to give her a good solid set of positive associations. It was imperative that she understand that being obedient to me did NOT mean that it was all about me. Only after there's was a solid framework, did I start tackling nastier problems that would be decidedly unpleasant for her.

Yours is more attracted to the sexual side. So if I were you, I wouldn't be playing around right now with dominance and submission. I'd be simply exploring top and bottom. How about a blindfold and a feather duster (or any suitably tactile thing). You don't need to buy any toys. You need to stretch your imagination. A toy isn't hot. You are. If you play around with pain, remember that the right place to start with any sort of pain processing is at such a low intensity that it's more a "tactile sensation" than pain. My best guess is that the masochist response is also a learned thing and you need to actually teach it to her (which means you'll need to understand it yourself) if you two decide to go there. But remember, she's played around with god knows what in SL, but really only the dominance and submission aspects carry very well over a virtual medium. She may well have played around with bondage, pain, or god knows what. But in the SL environment, those things aren't real.

(in reply to HarleyMan2008)

Post #: 18

RE: Need advice from this side - 8/30/2008 4:33:55 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

I am going to go look for toys later this afternoon but not sure what to get or try.

We pretty much started the same way you two are. The first thing we did after our "discussion" was to go shopping together and buy a "beginner bondage kit" which included a flogger, some nipple clamps (but i still prefer clothes pins), butt plug, and a few new vibrators. We also rented some bondage videos. I commend both of you for being open about this. Have fun.

< Message edited by proudsub -- 8/30/2008 4:35:01 PM >

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proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

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(in reply to HarleyMan2008)

Post #: 19

RE: Need advice from this side - 8/30/2008 7:53:49 PM

HarleyMan2008

Posts: 15
Joined: 8/30/2008
Status: offline

Great advice. I am trying to go slow. However I am a now or never guy and therfore its a learning curve for me as well. She is so resistive to me. She admits that a stranger would work better. Confused....

(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 20

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