aravain
Posts: 1211
Joined: 8/26/2008
Status: offline
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Hmm...
Can I ask a favor? :) Ask her to read what I'm about to type with you. It's not a command or anything, just a simple request from an anonymous bunch of text and it's up to her if she wants to read it or not. What I say may seem slightly patronizing, but it's not meant in such a context, really, it's just me trying to simplify things so that I can actually articulate what I'm trying to say. If I type on a more advanced level I'll probably just wind up confusing everyone but myself because of how unclear I can be.
Ok... I'll wait for you to get her...
Alright, now that you're here, let me open up a little. I'll refer to the husband as Dom, and the wife as Sub for simplicity. I have three sections, one to the couple, one to the sub, and one to the dom. You can both read all or just the ones that pertain to you :)
To the couple: When starting on the road of marriage your life was probably interesting and sparkled with brightness. This was, most likely, very similar in your sex life, and now you've found that it's a slight bit more normal, natural, and even slightly unfamiliar (in the sense that there's little intimacy in the act of making love). This is normal for a marriage, but also normal is the desire to extend the passion, the spice of the newness of a relationship. There is, however, a difference between adding in more sugar, to use a metaphor, and adding a pinch of curry or chili powder. Essentially, it's the same difference as trying to recreate the passion of a vanilla relationship, and adding BDSM to try and create new passion. You've got to be careful with both actions, either can ruin a relationship if done too much, too fast, or too soon.
The biggest, most important thing about BDSM, especially adding it to a well-established relationship, is communication. Both of you will need to sit together and discuss exactly what you're looking for, exactly when you're looking for. There have been excellent suggestions so far of taking it slow, and starting only with discreet, short 'sessions' of BDSM. My suggestion is that, for your first few at least, you can even make these scripted in a sense so that, while nothing will 'surprise' you in the encounter, you will still both experience something 'new' in it. A script can be anything from a list of actions in order of when they'll be performed (with a sidebar of possible 'punishment' if requests are not fulfilled adequately), to a full out set of non-distinct 'lines' and actions. The choice is yours... together. Below you'll find some additional notes to both of you, with a suggested build-up to what I think should be the first 'full' BDSM encounter.
Sub: You need to communicate more. At the moment, you're giving your dominant very little to go on. As I understand it, you've expressed a vague interest in BDSM to him without much backup or specific desires, fantasies, or anything else. I need you to do a few things to make sure that this is really what you want...
1) Set your limits. This can be either talking them out with your Dom, or contemplating them on your own. In either situation you should write them down and keep them in a safe place. Usually these written notes, for people new to the lifestyle, will consist of a few different categories, not unlike the ones on this site, such as 'Like,' 'Curious,' 'Tolerate,' and 'Hard Limit.' Under these categories write down everything, and I do mean everything, that you can think of. Don't want to be forced to wear diapers? Put in under hard limit. Want to be spanked (and you know you like it)? Put it under like. Want him to use a paddle, but never had one used on you? Put it under Curious. In general anything that you have never experienced before, but that you want to try will be put in Curious. KEEP THIS LIST and update it! Show it to your Dom! Discuss with him, tell him WHY what's a limit is a limit, WHY you have something under Tolerate (for instance, if you have pet play under 'Tolerate' because you don't want to be percieved as a non-human entity, but it's not a hard limit, explain to him... it may just be an effective 'punishment' and even propell it to the 'like' column eventually) WHY you're curious about something. Clarify why you like what you like, and what you like about it! Communication and understanding is KEY to making this work.
2) Start seeing him as your Dom. You've told him, apparently repeatedly, that you wouldn't be able to submit to him. I have a feeling that this is because of all the history between you... you're so used to seeing him as an equal, as your husband, not as an authority figure. The easiest way to do this is for you to start 'pretending' that he is your dominant. Pick a title with him (Sir works well, especially for newer couples) which is the only thing that you'll call him during a 'session' or, even, when you're alone and let him pick a title for you (though you should have ultimate veto rights. I know some girls who aren't comfortable being called 'slut' by their dominant, so the dominant picks another word) which is the only thing he'll use whenever he's dominating you. The main difference is that you will be constantly submissive, while he will have a different 'word' to use in order to give you an order in the idea of dominance. You'll find that, not long after starting such 'pretending' he will be YOUR Dom, and you'll not only believe it, but you'll be possessive about it too!
3) Pick a safe word. You should have one safe word, and it should be yours. Your safe word is the utter proof that power is really in the submissive's hand, because it has the power to completely stop whatever is going on. The number one ideal in practical BDSM is consensuality... and having an established safe word, which NEVER changes, is the easiest way to show complete non-consensuality in a situation where begging, or saying 'no' might be appropriate to the activity at hand. Safe words should be obvious, short, and, if possible, jarring. Some of the best safewords that I've heard from friends are: I'm PREGNANT (especially for a gay couple or a couple avoiding children), popcorn, trumpet, and ciggarrette. If gags or some other speech or hearing impediment is likely, come up with either a physical action that is obvious, or a sound that can be made (test it with each gag you'll use first!) that will be an obvious signal to the Dom. Your safeword, above all else, is a representation of yourself, so pick it carefully and revere it.
4) Test yourself. Once you have done the other three it's time to test yourself. This is most effectively done in a non-sexual situation. My best suggestion for someone completely new to it is to have their Dom set up the room with everything required to test the 'Curious' and 'Tolerate' columns of your list that they can. These are what will be tested. You will have, effectively, four different signs in addition to your safe word in this situation... RED: Immediately throw this item into the 'Limit' category. YELLOW: still curious. Come back to it later. PURPLE: Throw it into the 'Tolerate' category. GREEN: Add this item to the 'Like' category. In this situation you will have something tested out on you. Once you have had enough of the situation, and if you want to continue testing other items, say the appropriate color. If you want to discontinue testing period call out your safe word.
With these steps I'm sure that you'll be able to find a fullfilling dominant in your chosen life-partner! You'll also learn a lot about yourself, and what you truly want... and remember, that list does not have to stay static. If something in the limit category starts to make you curious... change it, and let your Dom know!
Dom: I understand that it's frustrating to operate on very little information and input but it's your place to understand and comfort your future Sub to make her comfortable with the idea of entering her fantasy and making it reality. Remain careful, tentative... but above all attentive to her. You've been married/involved for a good long time, and you probably know her better than most other people. If you think something's wrong or that she's holding something back, immediately end whatever you're doing... and open the lines of communication. Constantly assure her that you're there to listen... but more than that, be WILLING to listen to her. Don't lose your head, listen and don't judge, let her get everything out... and don't try to 'fix' anything unless she asks for it. Just like for your sub, I've got some steps I want you to take as well!
1) Respect her limits and set your own. This is IMPORTANT. While there is a difference between 'pushing' limits and going too far in any BDSM situation, especially when you're starting out even 'pushing' may seem too far! If she comes up with a limit, RESPECT it and do not even touch on it. Occassionally subs will put something on a limit because they're truly frightened of it, or cannot deal with it... and you need to be willing to accept that. The worst possible scenario is that you do not respect it, and your Sub does not mention a hard limit because she's afraid that you'll use it (either in reference or threat). Help her create her limits, and don't push... support! Tell her it's ok, let her make her own decisions... if she's not sure, ask her questions about it to try and help her! Most of all this is a passive step, but the active part is that YOU must initiate contact, YOU must ask her her limits... you need to show that you love her enough to want to know them. As a last note, don't forget to set your own limits! Don't be afraid to talk to her about this, why something is a limit and why you won't do it.
2)Start seeing her as your Sub and a person at the same time. While this doesn't sound like it's been much of a problem for you so far, there's some other things that you need to keep in mind. No matter what, above all else, she is your wife, and is your partner, the one that you chose to spend your life with! Remember this during every second of every day, even if it is just in the back of your head. Help her come up with a title for yourself, and give her guidelines on when she uses it. Come up with a title for her, and use it whenever you're dominating her (at least at the beginning it's a good idea not to use it all the time, but just when you're acting as her dominant). It'll help you because she'll almost always address you as an authority figure, though you'll not exercise that authority all the time.
3) Come up with a clear beginning and end. This is more of a personal opinion, but until you start a 24/7 BDSM dynamic (unless you're not planning on that) it is a really good idea to give any 'sessions' that you have a clear cut beginning and ending ACTION. Talk is cheap, I'm talking actually doing something. One of the best starts to a scenario is collaring the Sub. This signifies that the Sub is your submissive from then until the end of the session, among many other dynamics if you choose to involve them. UNcollaring the sub, however, might not necessarily be a good 'end' to a scene. My best suggestion would be something tender, something loving that, even if you were completely loving in the 'session' cannot be misconstrued. My favorite choice is a kiss on each of the Sub's eyelids. I think it's short, sweet, and a romantic gesture that's not usually done. The most important aspect of this step, of course, is to understand that your Sub's safeword is sacrosanct at all times. It means, beyond all doubt, no, stop, and any other number of words. The moment you hear the word uttered the session is shattered and you will do everything in your power to help her feel comfortable.
4) Test your Sub. When you feel comfortable that you've achieved all of the above steps... it's time to test your Sub to solidify what is acceptable and what is a limit. This is best done in a completely non-sexual situation for a clearer head, and you'll be doing some writing! Don't forget number 3 above! You're going to take your Sub's list and take everything in the 'curious' or 'tolerate' categories that you can and set them up to test on her. Basically your Sub will have a few different signals. RED: Immediately throw this item into the 'Limit' category. YELLOW: still curious. Come back to it later. PURPLE: Throw it into the 'Tolerate' category until she brings it up again for testing. GREEN: Add this item to the 'Like' category. An uttered safeword means a COMPLETE STOP to the testing entirely. Continue each activity till your Sub gives a signal and immediately stop and put it in the proper new category on a piece of paper. Don't forget to assure her as you go and be loving.
With all of those in place, I'm sure that you'll do great, and enjoy it too!
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