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RE: Lack of sub/slave friends - 11/27/2005 2:51:19 PM

greenie

Posts: 579
Joined: 7/24/2005
Status: offline

i am extremely close to one M/s couple and have met and acquainted myself with several from the 2 munches that i have been attending the last few months. i'm sure that eventually i may become closer to some of them in the following months.

_____________________________

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
-- Robert DE Niro

(in reply to swtnsparkling)

Post #: 21

RE: Lack of sub/slave friends - 11/27/2005 3:24:29 PM

harmony3709

Posts: 292
Joined: 11/15/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: candystripper

quote:

my Master is my only friend. because he restricts my contact/communication with the outside world.

daddysprop247

JMO..but i find this a red flag, not to mention detrimental to your general well-being.

candystripper

I agree with Candystripper completely about this line being a red flag. From all the different interests/fetishes, etc. I've heard of people being interested in or talking about at the local munch(es) I have attended, I can't imagine what would be considered so extreme that they would not fit in. I HAVE though heard of talk about safety issues and opinions given freely and openly about safety and I CAN imagine someone discussing an interest or fetish that could be considered unsafe by others and THAT would possibly make them feel as if they didn't fit in.

I have made submissive/slave friends in my community and some online as well. I first went to a munch for that specific reason, because I wanted to make other submissive friends, since I was meeting Doms for potential relationships, but also wanted friendship and now we are trying to get a local submissive group off the ground for additional friendship and socializing and a place to ask questions or vent or whatever.

My Master encourages my submissive friendships and our socializing with others in the lifestyle community and also values his property and understands that restricting my contact or communication with the outside world would be harmful to me. I just can't imagine how that kind of restriction on any kind of long-term basis would ever be anything but harmful.

Blessed be,
harmony

(in reply to candystripper)

Post #: 22

RE: Lack of sub/slave friends - 11/27/2005 4:08:59 PM

nonuts4thshoney

Posts: 550
Joined: 6/12/2005
From: Southern California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: daddysprop247

my Master is my only friend. because he restricts my contact/communication with the outside world, having a "vanilla" friend would be next to impossible as i do not go anywhere without him to meet such people. it's very important to him that any potential friend i have be accepting of our ways and lifestyle, and that is hard to find even within the D/s community since we are a bit on what some would call the "extreme" side of things. it would be nice to have a nice slave friend, close by, that i could see on occasion, have tea and cookies with and just girltalk or something, but the chances of that happening are just not that great. too many things would have to fall into place....meeting someone with ways/beliefs similar to ours, in the area, who i also clicked with on even a casual level. but who knows, maybe one day.

What i gather from daddyprop is that her Master RESTRICTS her contact with others NOT FORBID it. Her Master wants to make sure that the friends she makes are accepting of the lifestyle. He doesnt want any vanilla friends to get the wrong idea since they play on the edge. He wants her to have friends that don't frown on their lifestyle. i can undertand this.

Am i gathering a correct understanding daddysprop?

(in reply to daddysprop247)

Post #: 23

RE: Lack of sub/slave friends - 11/27/2005 4:20:30 PM

cherrygrl

Posts: 11
Joined: 10/9/2005
Status: offline

I have made just a couple of other sub friends on CM since I joined the site about a month ago- which is great-

but I would really love to have more local sub friends here in nyc that I could actually hang out with, go shopping, do girl stuff, whatever. . .

we'll see i guess :)

(in reply to nonuts4thshoney)

Post #: 24

RE: Lack of sub/slave friends - 11/27/2005 4:27:20 PM

orfunboi

Posts: 1223
Joined: 10/22/2005
Status: offline

i have a lot of submissive friends and dominant ones too...try going to munches and local events...that's where you will meet people.

(in reply to nonuts4thshoney)

Post #: 25

RE: Lack of sub/slave friends - 11/27/2005 4:33:48 PM

orfunboi

Posts: 1223
Joined: 10/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: daddysprop247

quote:

ORIGINAL: candystripper

quote:

my Master is my only friend. because he restricts my contact/communication with the outside world.

daddysprop247

JMO..but i find this a red flag, not to mention detrimental to your general well-being.

candystripper

and perhaps for you this would be so. but these are his ways, that i knew, understood and accepted before becoming his. also i am a slave not a free submissive, so he is not obligated to look out for my "general well-being".

Not obligated to look out for your general well being....if he's not, then who is.

i have never heard of anything like this, and i agree with candystripper, keeping you away from any contact with others is a big red flag for me.

(in reply to daddysprop247)

Post #: 26

RE: Lack of sub/slave friends - 11/27/2005 5:15:07 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: nonuts4thshoney

Am i gathering a correct understanding daddysprop?

After all he lets her post on the collarme boards, she's been with him for a few years and she's still smiling. She isn't trying to defend him or his position or convince us of anything.

What exactly about all that screams that this is a bad situation?

(in reply to nonuts4thshoney)

Post #: 27

RE: Lack of sub/slave friends - 11/27/2005 6:09:39 PM

Sensualips

Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline

She expressed a desire to have submissive/slave friends and gave several reasons that was not easily accomplished, including her master's level of control. While I wouldn't assume that is a bad situation, I would think it is something that might be discussed at the appropriate time and in the appropriate way.

Back to the OT, I have many acquaintances but just a few close friends. My "best" friend is very vanilla and we have been close for years. However, there is some disconnect there as she does not know about all of my lifestlye interests or activities. I have chosen to keep much of that to myself, partly as a privacy issue and partly because I fear it would be uncomfortable and create an awkwardness between us. She would try very hard to be nonjudgmental, but she would definitely not "approve." Not that I need approval, but she would be "concerned" and those discussions are something I want to avoid. It is not shame on my part, but I do think I am just not comofortable enough in my identity to explain or defend it to her. I really don't feel our friendship has suffered for it, but I do sometimes feel poorly that I hide so much.

While I have made lots of acquaintances in the polysexual or bdsm communities, just a few are becoming what I would consider friends. Quality over quantity is my motto.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 28

RE: Lack of sub/slave friends - 11/27/2005 6:14:46 PM

BalletBob

Posts: 1645
Joined: 7/14/2005
Status: offline

Hi. Even though I haven't met anyone in person yet from Collarme, all I consider close. I am always looking for more friends, to chat with on Yahoo. especially Female Subs. Why them? I find it so interesting that females are into this stuff, and think it is so neat. All I ever heard of before were males, and there are way too many of them....LOL

Take care and write me if you would like, BalletBob

_____________________________

"I get my kicks above the Waistline, Sunshine"

(in reply to nonuts4thshoney)

Post #: 29

RE: Lack of sub/slave friends - 11/27/2005 6:28:06 PM

jamesthehumanrug

Posts: 668
Joined: 10/21/2005
Status: offline

dear no nuts 4 this honey
greetings,
subo,
i'd stay the heck away ,from bottoms.
listen, if i had a slave pal; i'd feel bad ,for them; theres, not ,so many tops, to go ,around, esp doms.
and ,id feel like i have ,to help them ,and, i'm, not, into giving my top out to everyone,shes secret ,not advertized,and i cant ruin my image hanging out with slaves...im no top
altho it's charity work,to me to be with a bottom
,if i was ,with a vanilla girlfriend; i suppose i'd be happy ,for ,that girl, to find a potential hubby, but there's no overlap!,
if my girlfriend liked doms,instead ,and, kept sepparate ,from me ,and ,we were the same age; i'd always wonder ,about her top ,and, i dont like being ,that desperate ,or rejecting, to a known top
obviously ,around in the same-circles, so, to speak.
i'd have ,to serve, if this girlfriend, brot her top ,around; even ,if
i was'nt looking ,for her top,or dom,out ,of respect
,so :
NO-
no slaves.
every exec top has a secretary ,or a sissy boy, or accountant ,clients ;tourists;OR DUMB MODELS THEY like to be in pics ,or on stage with ,AND, I LIKE ,TO BE HUMILATED, WITH, BY COMPARISON ,OR THE DOM HAS some BOTTOM GUY ,that's top ,to me,(what else can i be)
and still ,bottom ,to her,
but what possibly is my, interest walking, around ,with a slave?!
i'd say:MMMM; dinner was nice...,and,
no thankyou
,to submarine slavoes,
and ,you know g.d.well some, of THEM are absolutely nuts,too!....,nothing personal, but, nope; no bottoms are ,of any use ,at all,
to me.
no matter how beautiful
no thanks
ANYONE ,THAT KNOWS ME; KNOWS MY ATTITUDE
is:
oh gees:IT'S ,JUST MY LUCK ;I'D GET STUCK ,WITH A g.d.BOTTOM! ....UGGGH!!
my worst-nitemare ,or what :i'm ,sister theresa ,for the nite?!

< Message edited by jamesthehumanrug -- 11/27/2005 6:51:45 PM >

_____________________________

I REMAIN RESPECTFULLY SUBMITTED
,LOVEles,
jamesthehumanrug

(in reply to nonuts4thshoney)

Post #: 30

RE: Lack of sub/slave friends - 11/27/2005 6:35:52 PM

Noah

Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: nonuts4thshoney

Just recently i found out that a friend of mine has met someone that is most likely into a lttle more than just vanilla with sprinkles. Not only am i very excited for Her that She may have someone to play with, but it excites me too because there isn't anyone [that i know of] that is local enough for me to start a friendship with. Since getting into WIITWD i have found that sub friends seem to be hard to come by. So my question to many of you subs and slaves is: Do you have several sub and/or slave friends that you visit with and have a good friendships with? , Just one good sub/slave friend? or have you had a hard time finding a close friend like me?

Okay. Off topic in that I'd make a pretty crappy submissive, but ...

Maybe one way to address the lack of like-minded friends would have to do with the following.

You can come to recognize submissive and dominant "types" pretty well after a while. Some people have these propensities but manifest them in quite different ways than the ways described here. If you meet, say, a woman socially who you think might have something of the submissive in her you can take special note. No big deal, necessarily, but you can just identify with her a little special bit, and try in the usual gentle ways to explore friendship without any raising of kinky notions. Are you a service oriented submissive and is the new waitress at the diner obviously "internally" service oriented (the way she works and responds to instructions and requests; comments made in passing if you chat a little, these might be clues,) and does she seem otherwise interesting and fun?

It might be that she has a background which would preclude her ever delving into kink. That is fine because you and she are both multi-dimensional people who can bond as friends based on what you share (service orientation, gardening, motherhood, whatever) rather than concentrating on being alienated by the differences between you.

Maybe someday you will come out to her and find she is into it too. Maybe you will someday come out and find her receptive to your thoughts but not personally interested in that kind of engagement. In these and lots of other sorts of cases (ones where she doesn't scream and run, at least) you still have a friend with whom you can relate about part--an important part--of your kinky identity. It is not unreasonable to think that even if she is very vanilla sexually she might be quite advanced in self-acceptance and in expressing her service orientation in non-sexual, non-kinky ways, ways which she might share with you and which might enlarge your own view of things both in and outside of your kink life.

Maybe too, though, just as some women "wonder" about themselves in terms of their submissive traits this woman wonders about her service orientation, the degree of it and if she should feel good or bad or weird about it. Whether or not the two of you ever mention kink or sex, this subject (the service thing) could come up on its own and you might be able to offer her a welcome affirmation.

It doesn't have to be the service part, it could be some other part, or parts, of your kink. My suggestion boils down to being open to developing friendships which feed various aspects of your kinky identity both directly and broady--as with a real across-the-board kindred spirit--and also in partial but meaningful and significant ways.

Now how about that postal service worker who seems to keep slamming her hand in your mailbox? Maybe you should say Hi.

(in reply to nonuts4thshoney)

Post #: 31

RE: Lack of sub/slave friends - 11/27/2005 9:37:16 PM

veronicaofML

Posts: 1317
Joined: 11/19/2005
From: from iowa..now in wisconsin
Status: offline

if.........IF you ask ME? i9 have no one really to talk to........close by. i know no one in this entire state.
nor am i allowed to leave the premises.....
nor do i have anyone i can call..re: lifestyle things.

i have 'a' friend that is a gal on here i talk to once in awhile in IM.......and 'a' domme friend that is my mentor i talk to once in awhile in IM.........but no one --close by.

i understand MOST folks have-to-have some connection.....
i kinda understand it...a little. i think maybe more for girls than us guys though.

take care
happy holidays to ya

_____________________________

drugs sex and rock n roll,...drugs are good and so is the rock n roll, sex is over rated"
=============
"go straight to hell, do not pass go and do not collect $200"

(in reply to nonuts4thshoney)

Post #: 32

RE: Lack of sub/slave friends - 11/30/2005 11:37:24 AM

daddysprop247

Posts: 1712
Joined: 6/24/2005
From: DC Metro area
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: nonuts4thshoney

What i gather from daddyprop is that her Master RESTRICTS her contact with others NOT FORBID it. Her Master wants to make sure that the friends she makes are accepting of the lifestyle. He doesnt want any vanilla friends to get the wrong idea since they play on the edge. He wants her to have friends that don't frown on their lifestyle. i can undertand this.

Am i gathering a correct understanding daddysprop?

just about honey. you are right in that He doesn't forbid me to have real-life contact with others in general, He is just very selective and careful as to who i will have such contact with. they must be accepting of our ways, and by that i don't mean any sort of "play", since there is not any play or scening in our lifestyle. we live an old-fashioned sort of D/s. and by that i don't mean "old guard" BDSM, as that is something worlds apart, but simply that we are gender traditionalists, and view D/s as simply living according to the natural order of things. not something that we choose but something that simply is, who we are through and through, who we have always been. we take this lifestyle very seriously, and only associate with others who do the same. we don't attend munches and things of that nature because there's a mixed crowd made up of perhaps 90% or more BDSM-oriented folks, with very few like us who are not so heavy into BDSM activities but are more D/s personality focused. even when we have met some people one-on-one privately for dinner or whatnot, almost all are surprised that we are real people, real Master and slave, always, and not two people playing a role when it tickles them. they're shocked that we're like this all the time, and it frightens them away.

aside from this, my Master is a proud pervert, and subjects me to some things sexually that many are not so comfortable with. all of that combined makes it difficult to find good lifestyle friends. and actually, neither my Master or myself would be opposed to my having a submissive friend who was not in the lifestyle, say someone who also had traditional beliefs and ways outside fo D/s...there would just be no opportunity for me to meet such a person since i am not out and about in the world without my Master. there have actually been 1 or 2 submissives i've communicated with online who would have made wonderful real-life friends, they just happened to be thousands of miles away. such is life.

as to those talking about "red flags"...maybe i should reiterate: i am a slave. lol

(in reply to nonuts4thshoney)

Post #: 33

RE: Lack of sub/slave friends - 11/30/2005 12:19:46 PM

loverly

Posts: 236
Joined: 1/23/2004
Status: offline

i so understand about wishing for friends that are interested in the D/s aspect more so than the BDSM kinky part the is nice but an extra to being in the lifestyle.. not the main draw for Master and myself .... we do play occassionally however and even have a dungeon.. but.. we live a Master / slave lifestyle.. there is no question to us or to anyone who knows us what and who we are. including the ppl up at the local grocer and the post office.. We live in a very small town in MI and i have been here for two yrs plus and havent really made any "friends" just aquaintences and its sad to say but.. i miss a close personal and honest warm relationship with a female.. i have always, until i came here, had at least One best friend ..... Master is saddened over the lack of interest in anyone wanting friends.... even on collarme..so many say they are only here for friends but yet there are so few that truely are... i understand and its ok .. just wish it were different! if we had more room Master would gather lots of ppl together for me to have tons of friends and we would all live happily ever after! lol since that is not going to happen ... i remain.. happily with my best friend and soul mate... Master :-)
We do however enjoy a healthy round of munches and events when ever possiable .. Master crafts things out of steel and we are so social we find it fun! and .. its interesting how others think and act... and it doesnt influance us in any way at all... just is interesting! and of course .. there are some really nice ppl we call friends but they live dowstate and well.... its just not possiable to see them enough! i am not sure about the redflag deal.. i thought first the same thing.. but after reading on and getting more of the story i think He is just watching out for Him and his girl... there are alot of ppl out there that are scarey too and not just into other things.. so maybe He has the right idea.... i know in my home town.. alot of the nilla women would never understand about bowing down to the needs and desires of their Man.... but i never hide any of who i was.... and i was even accepted there.... as i have been mostly by my family as well....

i WISH all was the same and as happy for EVERYONE!

(in reply to daddysprop247)

Post #: 34

RE: Lack of sub/slave friends - 11/30/2005 12:26:25 PM

Phoenxx

Posts: 253
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Swift Current
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: candystripper

one even organized a 3way

See and that is the last thing any male read.... now your going to get lots of emails.....

(in reply to candystripper)

Post #: 35

RE: Lack of sub/slave friends - 11/30/2005 12:31:53 PM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Back to the OT, I have many acquaintances but just a few close friends. My "best" friend is very vanilla and we have been close for years. However, there is some disconnect there as she does not know about all of my lifestlye interests or activities. I have chosen to keep much of that to myself, partly as a privacy issue and partly because I fear it would be uncomfortable and create an awkwardness between us. She would try very hard to be nonjudgmental, but she would definitely not "approve." Not that I need approval, but she would be "concerned" and those discussions are something I want to avoid. It is not shame on my part, but I do think I am just not comofortable enough in my identity to explain or defend it to her. I really don't feel our friendship has suffered for it, but I do sometimes feel poorly that I hide so much.

Sensualips

i never hesitated to tell my best friend and my other vanilla girlfriends. They expressed safety concerns, naturally, but they are fascinated by what i'm doing and i love talking to them about it. i feel as if now i'm the sexually adventerous one in our little circle, whereas for all the years they've known me i've been a hanger-back, LOL.

There is nothing like a good dish session with your girlfriend.

candystripper

< Message edited by candystripper -- 11/30/2005 12:33:39 PM >

(in reply to Sensualips)

Post #: 36

RE: Lack of sub/slave friends - 11/30/2005 12:39:01 PM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: candystripper

one even organized a 3way...

quote:

See and that is the last thing any male read.... now your going to get lots of emails.

Phoenxx

ROFLMAO..i meant a YIM 3way. i'll be sure to report if i get an avalance of email from men who thought i meant another kind of 3way.

candystripper

(in reply to Phoenxx)

Post #: 37

RE: Lack of sub/slave friends - 11/30/2005 12:44:43 PM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

as to those talking about "red flags"...maybe i should reiterate: i am a slave. lol

daddysprop247

Well, now i'm pretty confused as to what exactly your situation is. i am a bit mystified that a friend would have to be told the most intimate details of your life before your Master would approve of her as your friend. My girlfriends and i dish -- don't get me wrong -- but there's a boundary. We don't talk about real Men and Their bedroom performance.

In any event, you're an adult, so you can make decisions for yourself.

Peace out --

candystripper

< Message edited by candystripper -- 11/30/2005 12:45:48 PM >

(in reply to daddysprop247)

Post #: 38

RE: Lack of sub/slave friends - 11/30/2005 12:51:18 PM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Master is saddened over the lack of interest in anyone wanting friends.... even on collarme..so many say they are only here for friends but yet there are so few that truely are.

loverly

Well, i don't know if i qualify. i am here to search for my One, as well as to make friends. But you are welcome to contact me on the other side if you wish, and maybe we can be penpals.

candystripper

(in reply to loverly)

Post #: 39

RE: Lack of sub/slave friends - 11/30/2005 1:09:58 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Do you have several sub and/or slave friends that you visit with and have a good friendships with? , Just one good sub/slave friend? or have you had a hard time finding a close friend like me?

First of all I happen to run a BDSM group in your city. Paddlers. We meet at Laws the second Saturday of each month. We also host a BDSM discussion group each and every month at our home. There are a great many submissives men and females alike who attend.

However, to answer your question. I have never had a hard time finding people within the scene to communicate with. Now, meshing with them becomes a bit of a problem. You don't always see eye to eye with someone. All it takes is one lie given to me from someone and I will dispose of them forever.

(in reply to nonuts4thshoney)

Post #: 40

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