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RE: Wit's end - Cost of BDSM - 9/7/2008 12:45:20 PM   
Venatrix


Posts: 2238
Joined: 11/28/2007
Status: offline 		You need to move out to San Francisco.  They'll at least spring for Sutter Home's White Zinfandel out here.

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Wit's end - Cost of BDSM - 9/7/2008 12:49:36 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Whoa, white zinfandel!

I am right with you, Venatrix, I am not here to teach anyone manners.  If you were brought up in a barn, you don't belong in my household.  There are plenty of women who have the patience for that sort of thing.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



(in reply to Venatrix)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Wit's end - Cost of BDSM - 9/7/2008 8:28:39 PM   
hereyesruponyou


Posts: 770
Joined: 1/22/2007
Status: offline 		I think i get your point. If playspace is to be paid for then it needs to be negotiated up front. I have split the cost or had a male sub who chose to travel to my area pay. Once i paid myself because i made the choice to travel. But it was determined in advance. When i was not in a position to pay i have turned down someone who is also not able to secure a play area. I don;t play in my home, except with my partner and that is limited due to others in the house.

I think this also goes toward the "what can you offer me" discussion that often stops all conversation when i am speaking to someone who desires my attention. I am not asking for money, or anything else in particular. I want to know what will set you apart from the other 20 guys who messaged me this week. Answering "i will let you tie me up and do anything you want to me" is not going to get my attention. You are not doing me a favor "letting me" play with you.

_____________________________

Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be


(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Wit's end - Cost of BDSM - 9/8/2008 2:47:04 AM   
BiteGirl


Posts: 293
Joined: 4/27/2006
Status: offline 		I've found free-loading "dom's" too.
People are just cheap.

(in reply to Venatrix)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Wit's end - Cost of BDSM - 9/8/2008 9:58:37 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I think My situation is probably a bit different than yours, but I found the topic a bit interesting.  The actual dollars and cents of all this has been on My mind lately, so I thought I'd make a comment.

Certain costs I don't mind absorbing.  Those are the things for Me that benefit Me.  My own fetish wear and toy bag fall in this category.  My toys are kind of on the extensive side, but I buy them because I want them.  Simple things like floggers and such I'm going to use for several years, no matter who's on the other end.  The same with traveling to events that I want to go to.  I'm going whether I'm meeting someone there or not.

However, if it's coming down to costs I'm going to incur specifically related to someone else, sorry, but I'm not footing the bill.  I'm willing to do half, in whatever way that works out.  Yes, if you come to see Me, part of that agreement should be that I'm also willing to come to see you.  How often is going to largely depend on who can afford what when.  I don't expect anyone to do more than the other in this regard, unless it's due to their own choosing.  If I can afford to travel to see you six times a year, and you can afford eight, I expect you to match the minimum.  The additional two are entirely up to the other person's discretion.

Just like I have My own gear, I expect you to have yours.  Items such as restraints, plugs, and anything breaking the skin fall under this category.  Actually, I find this to be just good common sense for anybody from a health standpoint.  If you're playing with someone new, how much do you really know about how they keep these types of items cleaned and maintained?  Wouldn't you really feel safer with your own?  I know that I certainly would.

Finally, if it comes to renting dungeon space, which I have in the past, I expect that to be split.  Either each person does half each time, or we take turns.  I can tell you that I'm probably not going first.




_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to BiteGirl)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Wit's end - Cost of BDSM - 9/8/2008 6:51:42 PM   
Paulnz


Posts: 411
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MsCfromMelbourne

.........oh unless it is to go to the cricket and show you how the game should be played..... 


Or unless it's to teach Aussies how to play Rugby < coughs > World Cup Quarter Final < coughs >

(in reply to MsCfromMelbourne)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Wit's end - Cost of BDSM - 9/8/2008 8:22:31 PM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Venatrix

You need to move out to San Francisco.  They'll at least spring for Sutter Home's White Zinfandel out here.


Venatrix, I was in San Francisco in July for 10 days,
and I fell in love with the city.
I was treated to top shelf drinks by the cutest gay couple in the world.
You can get treated to top shelf drinks by total strangers, in San
Francisco.


< Message edited by MzMia -- 9/8/2008 8:23:47 PM >

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to Venatrix)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Wit's end - Cost of BDSM - 9/8/2008 8:31:16 PM   
Hippiekinkster


Posts: 5512
Joined: 11/20/2007
From: Liechtenstein
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Venatrix

You need to move out to San Francisco.  They'll at least spring for Sutter Home's White Zinfandel out here.
Wow. Really? That is just so Cosmopolitan. I'm gonna drain the waterbed tomorrow, find my old tie-dyed shirts, load up the Volvo, and head on out to Cole Street.

_____________________________

"We are convinced that freedom w/o Socialism is privilege and injustice, and that Socialism w/o freedom is slavery and brutality." Bakunin

“Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone; therefore we are saved by love.” Reinhold Ne

(in reply to Venatrix)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Wit's end - Cost of BDSM - 9/8/2008 8:37:57 PM   
Venatrix


Posts: 2238
Joined: 11/28/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia

quote:

ORIGINAL: Venatrix

You need to move out to San Francisco.  They'll at least spring for Sutter Home's White Zinfandel out here.


Venatrix, I was in San Francisco in July for 10 days,
and I fell in love with the city.
I was treated to top shelf drinks by the cutest gay couple in the world.
You can get treated to top shelf drinks by total strangers, in San
Francisco.



Ah, well, apparently that's my problem:  I need to stop looking for straight male subs and go for strange gay couples instead.

(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Wit's end - Cost of BDSM - 9/16/2008 2:56:22 AM   
courageinfear


Posts: 5
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		I think that my experence with this is different than others here. I only play at the local club that is largely frequented by working class folks and student-loan players. Simply, there is no expectation that subs have their own toys unless the sub has orders from their Master/Mistress. Now, there are subs who own pieces of equipment that they are personally interested in; I own a dildo and harness. Also, I always thank my Domina after a scene, and I give gifts at the end of the year to Dominas that I am close to. (SM opens up the emotionally tender side of my personality so I can quickly "fall in like" with a Domina who is a good fit for me.)

Just my $.02

(in reply to Venatrix)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Wit's end - Cost of BDSM - 9/16/2008 4:35:55 AM   
MsStarlett


Posts: 1879
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hereyesruponyou

I think this also goes toward the "what can you offer me" discussion that often stops all conversation when i am speaking to someone who desires my attention. I am not asking for money, or anything else in particular. I want to know what will set you apart from the other 20 guys who messaged me this week. Answering "i will let you tie me up and do anything you want to me" is not going to get my attention. You are not doing me a favor "letting me" play with you.


AMEN!


_____________________________

It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

(in reply to hereyesruponyou)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Wit's end - Cost of BDSM - 9/16/2008 7:30:49 AM   
courageinfear


Posts: 5
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		"i will let you tie me up and do anything you want to me"

That is so vague and so untrue.

(in reply to MsStarlett)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Wit's end - Cost of BDSM - 9/16/2008 10:15:18 AM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tempted80

I have been around for a while and rarely post on CM, however I find myself increasingly frustrated with a standard topic.  The topic of covering costs and paying for equipment.  I'm so infuriated with people who think they can indulge in this lifestyle for nothing.  I have spent thousands of pounds on equipment and traveling to events, yet people seem to think that they can memo you with a view to a meet and a play and bring absolutely nothing to the collective pot.

Why do subs think that they get to play for free, without even offering to buy a coffee? Who do they think has paid for all the toys, clothing and play space, why should people get it for free?  What makes a sub think they can play without providing any of the equipment.

Why do they think they shouldn't even buy stockings, or pay for personal use equipment such as sounds and anal toys.  Really am aghast?

Ms T



Who forced you into this lifestyle ..didn't they KNOW you couldn't afford it????
 
The simple solution is, just refuse to play with those who don't have their own toys.

< Message edited by LotusSong -- 9/16/2008 10:17:11 AM >

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.


(in reply to tempted80)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Wit's end - Cost of BDSM - 9/16/2008 11:48:33 AM   
GreeneGoddess


Posts: 59
Joined: 8/7/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: courageinfear

"i will let you tie me up and do anything you want to me"

That is so vague and so untrue.


LOL Yes it is...someone should let the boys know it's too cliche!

(in reply to courageinfear)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Wit's end - Cost of BDSM - 9/16/2008 1:06:28 PM   
lateralist1


Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		Wow and here's me expecting a lifetime of devoted service in exchange for me being able to do what I want to do. When I want to do it. How I want to do it.
Perhaps I ought to lower my expectations. But then again why should I?
If a man is not prepared to lay everything he has and is at my feet then why should I want to have anything at all to do with him?

< Message edited by lateralist1 -- 9/16/2008 1:09:34 PM >

(in reply to GreeneGoddess)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Wit's end - Cost of BDSM - 9/16/2008 2:03:16 PM   
Wickad


Posts: 428
Joined: 3/12/2005
Status: offline 		(fast reply)

Greetings,

I can sympathize with the OP.  It is really crappy to meet a 'do-me' submissive when you are expecting to meet a real human being.

However, it has been my experience that if I am meeting someone for the first time, we go dutch.  I want it this way as I have no idea if I'll even like the person, let alone want to play with him.  If the relationship continues, then I pay.  I pay because I am the one in charge and should have the means to back up that assertion.  This stance also gives me the discretion to decide where we go, what we do, and when we do it.  If I can't afford to pay for a play space 4 times a month ... then we don't utilize the play space 4 times a month.  It's really very simple that way.

Now, what does the submissive bring to the table.  He brings his personality and how he makes me feel when I'm around him.  If this is lacking then chances are we won't be seeing that much of each other.  After play, he cleans the play space and my toys to my satisfaction.  As others have mentioned he is also responsible for 'personal' toys that we may use during play.

For me, what this all comes down to is respect and control.  I respect myself enough to be very picky about those I chose as play mates.  I respect the people I play with enough to accept their submission but to never view it as a gift I need be grateful for.  My expectations are rather high and I see no reason to compromise them for the sake of play.  Overall, I do what I want, how I want and when I want.  I am constrained by my finances and my physical ability, not by what a submissive might chose to pay for.  In my opinion, as long as you are the one who pays for it ... then you're always the one in charge.

Wickad

(in reply to lateralist1)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Wit's end - Cost of BDSM - 9/16/2008 10:27:46 PM   
courageinfear


Posts: 5
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		Wickad:

A more balanced approach is needed. I think that some kinky-folk see the difference between top and bottom as black and white. This can manifest as the top only "being the brains" and the bottom only "being the muscle." Study after study has show that full division of labor--where both parties have some plum roles and some scut roles--is a good way to develop a happy relationship.

(in reply to Wickad)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Wit's end - Cost of BDSM - 9/19/2008 8:06:19 PM   
Wickad


Posts: 428
Joined: 3/12/2005
Status: offline 		Greetings courageinfear,

What type of relationship where you talking about exactly?

Wickad

(in reply to courageinfear)
Profile   Post #: 58
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