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StrangerThan -> RE: A question about collarme.com (9/11/2008 4:37:13 AM)
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I've never looked for anyone off this site. I came here for the message boards. I like discussion, like hearing other's comments on different subjects, like the atmosphere to a degree. I have several friends however, who have met people from CM, one of whom is going through an absolutely horrifying experience right now. Another just got through a horrifying experience. There are good and bad people everywhere. I'm not singling out this site, just speaking to the experience of people close to me. While there is a good body of sane folk here writing, acknowledging both their kink and often their issues in healthy ways, there seems to be some real freaks on the flip side. Granted, freak isn't a bad thing sometimes. But it is when the desire to control crosses the line of being safe, sane and consensual. Perhaps I should bold the last word that defines the SSC acronym because the one who called me in a panic this week is dealing with that type of issue right now. Not two weeks ago, another of that triad of friends called me and chatted about totally inane things for a while and afterwards sent me a text that said, I was beaten, raped and roughed up. She then refused to answer the phone for a week. The final one in that threesome ended up with a stalker. I talked her through gathering the evidence and having him arrested.
I'm not making this shit up. Over time, I've had several people ask me, how do you know? How can you be sure? It's a question that has no definitive answer other than to take the time to figure out if they appeal to more than just your kinky side. I read your thread, Ialdabaoth, on ethically terrifying things where you talked about consensual vs non-consensual and thought about it but didn't respond. I will say this here though, D/s, BDSM, use any acronym you want, isn't about making someone submit, but finding the side of them that needs to, exploring it, pushing limits, sometimes establishing new ones, but understanding at the bottom line, you're dealing with a person, not an object regardless of how they internally need to be seen. Yes, it can be hot to create scenes where consent isn't part of the scene itself. It can meet the need in your partner and you to conduct a relationship where consent is given as part of the negotiation up front and never revisited but in reality, it's demoralizing, destructive and criminal if consent isn't the basis. In other words, it's not hot.
I've been on collarme a couple of times, but both times came only to the message boards. Something about a lot of the profiles I've seen scream and beg you to be sane. While I understand that for what it is, it also creates an atmosphere of having to work through a lot of baggage and you know, sometimes, it just isn't worth the effort. It is if you care enough about someone, but just a play partner? I don't need to simply play that bad.
I don't mean this post to sound like everyone those three have met off here has been certifiable, because they weren't. One of the three was looking for a play partner. The other two were looking for longer term things and all of them went through several meetings. So I'm not discouraging anyone. Just saying something I often say, which is to spend the time to learn yourself while you're looking because if you don't know what you need at a base level, you'll never really understand how someone you should never have met, can pull those strings so effectively.
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