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Committed D/s relationships and playing with others - 9/7/2008 5:41:22 PM

pinnipedster

Posts: 217
Joined: 4/17/2008
Status: offline

Just a question for those of you in what you consider to be committed D/s relationships: What are your rules for "playing" outside of the relationship? Does the Dominant always get to do whatever s/he wants, while the sub remains exclusive? Or are there limits to even how far the Dominant can go in this respect? Are some subs not only allowed but sometimes required to serve others, sexually or otherwise? And who made the rules? Did the Dominant partner just decree how it would be, and the sub had the choice of accepting that or moving on? Or was it something negotiated between you?

FYI, I don't think there's necessarily one right answer that is The Way It Ought To Be for all couples. If you have a situation that's comfortable for both (or all) partners, then great! I'm just interested in seeing how different people answer, if there's a "typical" situation, and if it differs for different types of couples (Male Dominant/female submissive, Female Dominant/male submissive, same-sex D/s couples, etc.)

Post #: 1

RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others - 9/7/2008 5:46:29 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

Before I was collared to him we negotiated. The result is that I have no qualms about him playing with others provided: 1) I know about it. (So, no going behind my back) and 2) I've checked the person out. (We've had to deal with others trying to disrupt our realtionship, and he trusts my judgment on who the Psycho Betties are.)

I have no desire to be loaned out to other Doms. So, he has given me the right to veto any requests. If I desire to play with someone, all I have to do is ask.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to pinnipedster)

Post #: 2

RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others - 9/7/2008 5:55:23 PM

BRNaughtyAngel

Posts: 1821
Status: offline

I am a collared slave in a loving, committed relationship with my Master. I am not allowed to have sex with any man other than Him, and that's fine with me as I am monogamous. He doesn't share.

As far as play goes, He doesn't want anyone other than Him hurting me. But He is somewhat flexible about allowing me to experience certain things that He isn't interested in doing. For instance, a good friend of ours who is a domme and top does some amazing scenes with her partners using needle play. I was interested in what needles felt like and she offered to let me experience it with His permission and with Him right there beside me. He said Yes, so that is something I am looking forward to experiencing.

Now as for Him, He doesn't play with others because He, like me, enjoys the intimacy that comes from playing with someone you love and know so well. We enjoy the play because it's with each other.

He has sex with whomever He desires.

(in reply to pinnipedster)

Post #: 3

RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others - 9/7/2008 5:59:30 PM

Tetron

Posts: 48
Joined: 6/16/2006
Status: offline

The best way to handle this is discuss with the submissive. Determire if they are including in the list of their submissions the right for you to play with others and to have them do so. If not talk it out with them determine where that line lies. Once you know it then as the dominant you may use that information how ever you want. It on the other hand is never right to simply assume as the dominant you may go and play no matter how submissive your sub is.

(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)

Post #: 4

RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others - 9/7/2008 6:11:54 PM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

With my husband, the key to it all has been patience and communication. Certainly, I'm the femdom, and I could "do what I want," but I am not unfeeling, and I value our relationship way more than I need my "variety fix," so we take it slow and talk about it and work through it.

It's all a matter of what we're both comfortable with, then a tiny step, a re-evaluation, and then one more step forward. I don't hide anything from him. He doesn't want the details of most of the things anyway. He's mostly concerned with my safety. His biggest fear outside that is that I will become emotionally involved and we'd have problems in our relationship; see, it's nearly impossible to argue, "Oh, I can have a few boytoys on the side, they are JUST boytoys after all," because that's what he was - and look where we ended up. Married. Despite me telling him probably a hundred times, "You're my boytoy, never going to be my boyfriend" and him being fine with that. Shit happens. People fall in love. You can't stop it. The act of engaging in intense erotic power exchange can create undeniable intimacy and uncontrollable chemistry - this is a risk that cannot be denied.

So, we're both comfortable and strong in our relationship and commitment to each other. Boys I have on the side - playing on the phone, email, internet, webcam, it's all good. It has not damaged anything. If anything, it's enhanced things - I am more ravenous, hornier, and I get my more ...odd urges out of my system, instead of laying it all on him. He has a little more breathing room.

With real life encounters, which is the newest territory for us, it's the same - slow, careful, with a lot of communication. He is most comfortable with me with other men if I have friends around, which is not hard, but it means that when I travel, I have to bring a travel companion, and the costs go up. We have worked toward a great compromise though with a very clear understanding, right down to the intimate "line items" (no sexual intercourse; hair pulling ok. No oral sex; whipping.flobbing, cbt ok; no cuddling and spooning; strap on ok) The common theme is a separation - no romance, clearly. Intimacy, yes. Sexual intercourse, no. The jury is still out on kissing, which we tend to revisit now and then. I can do without it, but it's very much part of my style of domination.

(Ironically, the debate really comes down to what kind of kiss; if I kiss a man out of *domination* it is ok. It's a different kind of kiss. If I kiss a man out of affection, lust, adoration, it's a romantic kiss. So in some cases a kiss is ok; in other cases, we both know it's leading down an inappropriate path; so, how will the guy in this situation know and respect the difference? Perhaps it's easier to leave the kissing out until we further analyze, we've decided).

So - I have no complaints. I think a strong primary relationship is absolutely the most important part. If you have damage or problems in your primary relationship, it's not the time to start experimenting with an open relationship. It's also a matter of timing. What I do, and am planning to do, now vs. years ago are vastly different. It would have been too hard early in our relationship and not appropriate.

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to pinnipedster)

Post #: 5

RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others - 9/7/2008 6:36:11 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

We are totally monogamous. No play, no sex, no one on one cyber, no cam, etc. Neither of us will share. We have discussed such things as needle play or singletails and he will not permit me even to go up at a demo and ask for one needle or one hit. If I feel that I really, really need to try something, then he will investigate it and if he decides it is safe, then he will learn about it and practice until he decides he can safely do it. And if that takes a year for him to learn, I just have to wait.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 6

RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others - 9/7/2008 6:37:07 PM

daddysprop247

Posts: 1712
Joined: 6/24/2005
From: DC Metro area
Status: offline

Daddy and i have a Master/slave relationship. as Master, he has the right to use/play with any woman he pleases, he does not need my permission or acknowledgement. He could even take on another slave if he wished, something that would be very difficult for me to handle emotionally, but fortunately he doesn't seem to have an interest in having more than one slave. also, more often the not, the rare times he does use another submissive, he makes sure that i know all about it.

as far as my interaction with others, that is entirely under his control. He has me sexually serve his male friends/associates, sort of as a gift to them...he has me sexually used by random strangers at times just to feed his perversions...and he also has me serve others for his profit. it is absolutely a requirement of being his slave that i serve and am sexually used by other men, it is extremely important to him. i knew this about him before we became Master and slave, and accepted it completely. 99% of the time i have no choice as far as what man i serve or how, though if being with a particular man is especially difficult or emotionally trying for me, he will usually not force me to serve that person again in the future. about 1% of the time i do have a choice and he wants me to state a preference as to who i would wish to serve.

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 7

RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others - 9/7/2008 6:42:08 PM

califsue

Posts: 593
Joined: 2/2/2008
Status: offline

Well..this is new terriority for me but Master likes to play with other couples. He may consider single female subs or single male Doms but no playing with others alone. We either play together or not at all. His rule. I did not have any input into whether or not this was something I wanted. He actually revisited the whole playing/sharing issue recently and has decided it is something he wants us to experience together.

(in reply to daddysprop247)

Post #: 8

RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others - 9/7/2008 6:42:47 PM

completenz

Posts: 315
Joined: 1/10/2007
Status: offline

We are the same as you guys. Neither of us wish to share what we have with anyone else, we really do treasure it that much. To be honest, we both feel it has taken us a lifetime to find this and it tops all that has gone before. Why would we want to share anyway? :-)
If others are happy to share thats cool with us, just dont expect us to become involved
C & c

_____________________________

'Life is not always measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away'

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 9

RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others - 9/7/2008 6:52:51 PM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline

this is like saying it ok to cheat i mean come on lets not twist our deepest thoughts to mushy mushy gum drops cheating is what it is other wise it is not a commited relationship

everyone is always trying to reinvent the wheel no wonder they are so lost just stick to the course of things and life will rock for you there are certian set of life rules fallow them And you will have a some what peaceful journey

(in reply to completenz)

Post #: 10

RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others - 9/7/2008 7:00:02 PM

MAMandSlave

Posts: 110
Joined: 8/15/2008
Status: offline

In our household, I determine who we will or will not play with. My girl may request to be with people, and I will either say yes or no. Occasionally she will be loaned to play with others, or to assist a friend when he is lonely. We have discussed her interactions with others in the porn industry and I treat this as work, and but set her limits as I choose them. This being said, I listen to her thoughts regarding all of these situations, and take them into account when making decisions.

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)

Post #: 11

RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others - 9/7/2008 7:20:40 PM

Shawn1066

Posts: 987
Joined: 10/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pinnipedster

Just a question for those of you in what you consider to be committed D/s relationships: What are your rules for "playing" outside of the relationship? Does the Dominant always get to do whatever s/he wants, while the sub remains exclusive? Or are there limits to even how far the Dominant can go in this respect? Are some subs not only allowed but sometimes required to serve others, sexually or otherwise? And who made the rules? Did the Dominant partner just decree how it would be, and the sub had the choice of accepting that or moving on? Or was it something negotiated between you?

FYI, I don't think there's necessarily one right answer that is The Way It Ought To Be for all couples. If you have a situation that's comfortable for both (or all) partners, then great! I'm just interested in seeing how different people answer, if there's a "typical" situation, and if it differs for different types of couples (Male Dominant/female submissive, Female Dominant/male submissive, same-sex D/s couples, etc.)

We don't play outside of our relationship.

DV's Fox

(in reply to pinnipedster)

Post #: 12

RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others - 9/7/2008 7:33:03 PM

hereyesruponyou

Posts: 770
Joined: 1/22/2007
Status: offline

We have decided so far to only play together. Be that with couples or singles. With couples the flow can be all over. When we play with a submissive male, i take the lead. Sometimes he just watches. He knows who i talk to and is only interested if i am discussing something new he and i haven;t done together...because he wants to learn about my interests. Otherwise until someone will be coming into our lives physically, he only asks now and again.

Playing together has always resulted in feeling closer to each other afterward. After all you are creating a new memory together...

_____________________________

Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be

(in reply to MAMandSlave)

Post #: 13

RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others - 9/7/2008 8:04:46 PM

Messala

Posts: 11
Joined: 12/12/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: completenz

We are the same as you guys. Neither of us wish to share what we have with anyone else, we really do treasure it that much. To be honest, we both feel it has taken us a lifetime to find this and it tops all that has gone before. Why would we want to share anyway? :-)
If others are happy to share thats cool with us, just dont expect us to become involved
C & c

x3

Sharing might very well be accepted in this lifestyle but I treasure my sub way too much (and vice-versa) for that to happen. We feed each other's needs behind closed doors and in public and wouldn't want to complicate that.

(in reply to completenz)

Post #: 14

RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others - 9/7/2008 10:14:40 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pinnipedster
What are your rules for "playing" outside of the relationship?

Call if you're going to be late to dinner. Actually that's not a rule so much as a polite understanding.

We are open- we can do whatever, with whoever, whenever, however, as often as ever we like. Keeps it simple.

quote:

Does the Dominant always get to do whatever s/he wants, while the sub remains exclusive? Or are there limits to even how far the Dominant can go in this respect? Are some subs not only allowed but sometimes required to serve others, sexually or otherwise? And who made the rules? Did the Dominant partner just decree how it would be, and the sub had the choice of accepting that or moving on? Or was it something negotiated between you?

Whatever works for you. Generally everyone decides what they need to be fulfilled and then creates their structure around that- whether it's the master laying down the laws and the slave simply accepting, or a mutual coming together of "Yeah this works for me, how about you? Yeah this works for me"

The most common one you will find in the hetero scene is male dom seeking multiple female subs to be his partners, possibly partners to eachother but that's it. Most people allow for some PLAY outside of relationship, but only in non sexual or ways that they don't perceive to be too intimate.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to pinnipedster)

Post #: 15

RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others - 9/8/2008 12:37:41 AM

Sunnyfey

Posts: 1436
Joined: 9/21/2007
From: OK
Status: offline

I play with others, but am only sexual with Master. He dosent care to play with others. I play with my Leather Sir (a sort of mentor and best friend) and his wife on occasion. I play with ym own sub ofcorse, and others as i see fit (Master dose have say on this however and if he thinks a girl or boy is a drama freak or what not he will give his opinion and i generally listen to him on that aspect)

_____________________________

Resident Hell Cat

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 16

RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others - 9/8/2008 6:25:23 AM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline

quote:

What are your rules for "playing" outside of the relationship?

We don't have rules per se. I have requested that Sir tell me if he is going to play with / have sex with someone else. He however says he does not want to.
For me i like heavy play occasionally and Sir does not feel he will be able to go heavy enough for me at those times. We have discussed me being able to play with a friend when the need arises non-sexually. So far i haven't wanted / needed anything more than Sir gives me.

I personally would prefer that neither of us felt the need to play / have sex with someone else. However we haven't as you can see from the above closed the door on it entirely.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to Sunnyfey)

Post #: 17

RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others - 9/8/2008 6:30:09 AM

Aynne88

Posts: 3873
Joined: 8/29/2008
Status: offline

No playing, no sharing, no others in our relationsip. Dealbreaker on both sides.

_____________________________

As long as people will shed the blood of innocent creatures there can be no peace, no liberty, no harmony between people. Slaughter and justice cannot dwell together.
—Isaac Bashevis Singer, writer and Nobel laureate (1902–1991)

(in reply to pinnipedster)

Post #: 18

RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others - 9/8/2008 6:36:43 AM

Rayne58

Posts: 746
Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
Status: offline

I'm bi, and actively encouraged to explore this both in our relationship and outside it. I have a regular female play partner (vanilla) who I see once or twice a month. Sir and I have also played with other women together a few times. He doesn't have penetrative sex with her, and she doesn't give Him oral. I'm still working up to being comfortable with this, and in time I'm sure I'll be ok with it, but for right now this is it.

NO other men for me, and Sir isn't into sharing me in that way.

_____________________________

Collared sub and married to Nevershyau

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 19

RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others - 9/8/2008 7:05:01 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pinnipedster

Just a question for those of you in what you consider to be committed D/s relationships: What are your rules for "playing" outside of the relationship? Does the Dominant always get to do whatever s/he wants, while the sub remains exclusive? Or are there limits to even how far the Dominant can go in this respect? Are some subs not only allowed but sometimes required to serve others, sexually or otherwise? And who made the rules? Did the Dominant partner just decree how it would be, and the sub had the choice of accepting that or moving on? Or was it something negotiated between you?

FYI, I don't think there's necessarily one right answer that is The Way It Ought To Be for all couples. If you have a situation that's comfortable for both (or all) partners, then great! I'm just interested in seeing how different people answer, if there's a "typical" situation, and if it differs for different types of couples (Male Dominant/female submissive, Female Dominant/male submissive, same-sex D/s couples, etc.)

My Master makes the rules.

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to pinnipedster)

Post #: 20

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